Original subtitles

How's it going?

I think I've located your problem.

You know what they call this?

No, I don't.

A ball cock.

Really?

How'd they come up with that name?

I mean, what were the names they rejected before they settled on ball

God, Adam, there are two men in my apartment.

You're kidding. I'm being robbed.

Let's check out the living room.

Oh, my God, you're right. You are being robbed.

You've got to do something.

Me? You're the man. Oh, all of a sudden, I'm the man.

Technosonic.

Never heard of it.

What a loser.

Do you hear that?

The robbers called me a loser.

Well, he's the loser.

Let's check out the bedroom.

All right, they're going to the bedroom. It's our chance to make a break for it.

Ellen?

Ellen

was

being robbed.

Are you an idiot?

That's what I was saying. Go find them. Call the police and tell them there were

robbers in my bedroom.

Well, all I saw was...

No, find a phone.

Call the police.

Tell them that I was in my bedroom.

There's nothing but crap in there, too.

Let's go.

No. We're not leaving until we get something good.

Give me your watch.

Cartier! Hey,

now they know we're in here, either they're going to leave or...

Or they're coming in after us. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh,

God. Any suggestions?

Bye!

Do you use this?

I'd like to report a burglary.

All right.

Tell me what was stolen.

Some clothes, a watch, an answer machine, some CDs.

One of the CDs, though, the actual case was R .E .M., but the inside was Sting.

I made a mistake one day. You know, when you're not paying attention, you just

put Sting. And it wasn't the first album. It was the one where they have

video where the girl, and she's in the car, she's on top of it, and you wonder

why.

I'll make a list. That would be great.

Is there some standard thing that you say to people like me to reassure them

after they've been broken into to make them feel safer?

Since I'm, you know, scared and you're the big crime expert and I'm just the

victim, say something to make them feel better.

Oh.

Okay. All right. I know what you're doing.

That's good. It's a quiet, not -talking -to kind of reassurance so that I work

through my problems on my own and feel stronger on my own. That is good. I feel

safer already. I have no reason to be scared.

You have every reason to be scared.

You're a lot more reassuring when you don't talk.

You just need to be prepared, that's all.

Here.

Here's my card.

Let's get a group together some evening. I'll come talk to you about self

-defense and home security.

I'll do that. Oh, just a note, though. I like real refreshments, not that fat,

free crap.

It says so right on your card here. Note that, free credit.

I smell your pheromones.

My what?

Pheromones. The sex attractants that every human being naturally secretes

they sweat.

Oops, cancel that. It's a potato salad.

Hi, Detective Ryan. Hi. Please, call me Gil. Okay.

So I've been meaning to call you because I put on that list that Bette Midler's

CD was stolen, but I remembered that I loaned it to Adam, so you don't have to

follow that lead.

I'll call it in. Okay.

I'd like you to meet Paige and Adam and Audrey and Joe, Detective Gil Ryan.

Nice to meet you all.

Unsecured entry.

Unsecured entry.

Unsecured entry.

Unsecured entry.

Why don't you just hang a sign in your window that says, Rob me.

Oh, I had one, but someone stole it.

Know why you jumped?

Because we weren't expecting it. That's good, Joe.

Look, if I can get you to expect the unexpected every moment of your life,

have done my job.

All right.

Everybody just sit back, relax.

Let's get started.

Hey,

you see that?

You're relaxed again.

Just because I told you to. Are you going to keep doing that because I'm

a headache?

Well... Uh, Paige, is it?

Next time a criminal has a gun to your head, why don't you just tell him you

have a headache and maybe he'll let you go?

Good going, Paige.

He's taken off. That's great.

Did you get that? That is amazing.

Okay, this is lesson one.

You then look for the people, you then ask who it was, and you're now at the

mercy of the criminal elements.

Joe, that was amazing.

Where did you learn how to do that?

Canada. I was in training to be a Mountie, but they threw me out for

reasons.

Heart murmur.

Now, who knows the most vulnerable parts of an attacker's body?

Three choices.

Crotch, neck, eyes.

Say it with me.

Crotch, neck, eyes.

Crotch, neck, eyes.

Crotch, neck, eyes. All right, you can remember it this way.

C -N -E, can't know everything.

C -N -E, can't know everything.

Pardon me, just a second. For future reference, it's not a big deal at all.

the word no in can't know everything, I believe that starts with K.

That's a good point, Ellen.

Next time you've got some cold steel pressed up against your ribs, let's see

you can spell your way out of it.

All right, Ellen, get up here.

Okay. Oh, that whole spelling thing. Who cares?

I want you to pretend that I'm one of the burglars that broke into your place.

And I'm approaching you in a menacing way.

Defend yourself.

Come on.

Come on, man. You want a piece of this? I mean, no.

to treat a woman like that.

You're so much... Oh, wow!

Look, have it all clear.

It's not gonna work.

Ellen, just try and get me down on the ground.

Use your hip for leverage.

All right, Adam, come on up here and attack Audrey.

Oh, okay.

All right, Adam, just sneak up on Audrey from behind. Audrey, you try and

resist.

Listen, I just want to leave you with these thoughts.

You're not safe anywhere.

Don't trust anyone, and maybe, just maybe, you'll live to see another day.

All right, you've been a great group. Good night.

Bye.

You seem nice, but the person's kind of scary.

bars actually improve my view.

I bet that's part of the appeal of prison.

Watch this.

Who wants a bone?

That's a good boy.

Down boy.

Oh, he's a big dog. He's a big dog. He's a big dog. Yes, he is.

I'm sure that you don't want me to stay here again with you tonight. No, I'm

fine. Hey, you haven't met Dirk.

Dirk? Yep.

He'll be staying with me.

This way, if a burglar comes up, you know, to the windows outside, he looks

and he probably says, I'm not going in there because that woman lives with a

dummy.

He's not a dummy. He's just a... Just quiet. He kind of keeps to himself.

Don't need phone names.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a nice, secure evening planned and... Are

sure? Yes, I'm sure.

Okay, well, uh...

If you need me, you call me, okay? Okay. Oh, well, thanks for coming over. All

right. Be careful.

Oh,

boy.

So, what do you want to do now?

No. No.

No.

You're probably wondering who this is.

Ellen, your personal life is your business.

Had a rough night.

This burglary thing has me all shaken up. And who can blame you? But I have

brought you something that is going to help you sleep tonight.

Ta -da!

You bought me a gun?

No, silly. I'm loaning you one of mine just until you feel safer.

No, I don't want a gun. I am not a gun person. I'm a people person.

Ellen, guns don't kill people. You kill people.

Come on, hold it. It's not loaded.

No, I don't want to. I really don't. It makes me nervous.

Nervous? This .38 caliber cutie pie?

I mean, I can see being nervous around an Ingram M11 semi -automatic or the

Browning BDM 9mm, but this is just a little baby.

Yeah, but... Wouldn't that little baby put a hole in your itsy -bitsy head?

It wouldn't if you knew how to use it. I want you to come to my gun club.

Bring Adam and Paige.

You belong to a gun club?

Sure. I love guns. I'm a gun nut.

My dad's a gun nut, too, but don't call him that or he'll shoot you.

Okay, let's practice one more time.

Now, keep your arms straight.

And raise the gun until you've got the target in your sight.

Good. Boy, these things are even heavier than they look.

I picked the biggest gun they had.

Well, you know what they say, the bigger the gun. I know, I know. And I'm very

comfortable with the size of my penis. Thank you.

Oh, I was going to say the bigger the recoil, but thanks for sharing.

Which gun should I use? The blue steel one goes with my shoes, but it's that

industrial kind of look. And the pearl handle one goes with my blouse, but it

kind of makes me look fat.

Can you see him holding up?

Yeah, that one. Okay.

A lot of creepy looking people here.

Ellen, you're talking really loud.

You saw Gavin McCloud? Where?

Ellen,

it's your turn. Let's practice.

Now, keep your arms straight and get the target in your sights.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Johnny Ringo.

Thought I told you to get out of town, pretty boy.

It's kind of cool, actually.

Good shot.

Oh, my God, I killed him.

I blew off his little paper head.

It was coming to steal my stereo, and now I've left his little paper wife and

children without a paper father.

That was so fun.

We should do this every week.

Hey, congratulations, Ellen. You are ready to pack heat.

Well, I don't know if I want to pack heat. I don't like heat.

Heat makes me sweat. I don't feel comfortable having a gun. I don't even

comfortable knowing that there's a gun in the building.

Well, suit yourself.

But the day they get my gun is the day they pry it out of my cold, dead hand.

Bye, guys.

Oh, you've got to love her.

Yeah, you do. Or she'll shoot you.

That was an awful experience.

I give up.

Obviously, I can't defend myself. I'm just going to have to face the fact I'm

going to live in fear.

That or I can move to some little cabin on a remote lake somewhere and develop

my own language like Nell.

Do you mind? I haven't seen it yet.

Now, I know that this robbery has been a bad experience for you, but that is the

price that you pay living in a big city. And I hope that you don't take this the

wrong way, but I think you're kind of being a baby about it.

Really? You know, just because I want to feel safe, it does not make me a baby.

Thanks, Daddy. No problem, Ellie.

You can stay here as long as you want. I like having my little girl around.

Well, it's just for a little while until I'm not scared to be in my apartment

anymore. Paige says I'm a baby for being scared.

Paige is the baby.

Thank you.

You know, this'll be fun.

You and me hanging out together while your mother's out of town.

You don't think I'm being silly, do you, for being scared? No, of course not.

You've always been scared.

When you're a little baby, you don't want strangers to hold you.

Well, that hasn't changed.

You wanted to come home from camp because you said the counselors were

communists. They passed out literature. I showed it to you. And you remember the

slide I built for you in the backyard?

You wouldn't go near it because you said it went straight down to hell.

All right, I was off the mark on that one. But eventually you did go down that

slide, you remember?

Uh -huh, you pushed me.

Yeah, but you didn't go to hell. No, I didn't. I went to the hospital with a

sprained ankle.

Well, let's not dwell on it, dear.

Good night.

Dad?

Will you read to me?

Well, sure.

What would you like to hear?

Anything. Well, I'm halfway through The Client by John Grisham. Sure.

Barry the Blade strutted down the aisle with two thugs in tow.

He's the bad guy.

He sounds like the bad guy, Daddy.

So, how did they catch him? Detective Ryan called, said to come on down. I

know. There he is. Hi there.

Just got you to step around to the desk. We'd like you to ID your property.

My stuff.

Downing Crow's mine.

Cranberry's mine.

Yanni? Definitely not mine.

Okay, it's mine, but it was a gift.

Hey, who's the criminal here?

Those are my burglars.

Boy, would I love five minutes alone in a room with those two.

Hey, you know we could arrange that.

Uh, well, I'm too angry right now.

I might say something I'd regret.

Anyway, thanks, Detective. I feel a lot safer knowing that they're going to be

put away.

Well, you're welcome, Ellen. They're going to serve every one of their 90

90 days?

After what they did?

Hey, tell it to the judge.

There ain't nothing we can do about it.

Hey, aren't you the lady with the crappy stereo?

Just ignore them, Ellen.

No. No, I can't live like this. I'm not going to be scared anymore.

You know what? For your information, it's not a crappy stereo. It's a

Technosonic, which one of the leading consumer magazines rated best buy. So,

who's laughing now?

This whole thing's a big joke to you guys, huh?

Okay. It's fine. Just keep laughing. Go on. Keep laughing. I wonder if you'll

still be laughing when you realize you can't vote when you're in jail.

Not even absentee ballot.

I don't know if you realize this, but in this country, we have something called

the Declaration of Independence.

And if I remember correctly, that little piece of paper guarantees each and

every one of us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

I'm out there every day pursuing happiness. And damn it, no lousy two

thieves are going to take that away from me, not as long as I have a breath. And

if you don't like it, why don't you head on down Cuba way and sample a big old

piping hot bowl of what they call freedom.

guess is you'd put it back in the fridge with a piece of cellophane over it and

not touch it again.

There, I've said my piece.

You live with it.

I'm Ellen Morgan.

Victim no more.

Like to report a stolen car?

Well, Ellen, it's good to know you're feeling safer.

Yep.

Thank God you got rid of that stupid barking dog.

No one would ever believe that that is real.

That's true.

Plus, I got tired of walking him.

In fact, the most important thing is everything's back to normal.

probably wouldn't be the right word.

What?

No.

Dirk says you're a slut.

That's not what he said last night.