Original subtitles

Hey, sit on this, will you?

You know, I think this would be a good time to point out that I'm really glad

you and Paige didn't ask me to go on your ski trip with you.

I got a lot going on this weekend.

Oh, great.

Why can't I go? I really want to go.

It's Paige, isn't it? She hates me.

Adam, Paige and I just want a weekend away together.

This is a perfect chance for you to spend time with some of your guy

I don't have any guy friends.

Well, then make some.

It's not that easy making new guy friends at my age.

I wouldn't even know how to attract a man anymore.

Sunday's the Super Bowl. Invite some guy over here to watch it with you.

It's three days away.

All the really good men already have plans for the Super Bowl.

What about Joe?

Joe? Yeah, he and Stephanie broke up. He's available.

Huh.

You know, I've never really thought about Joe that way.

Has he ever said anything about me?

Um, once he said he liked your shirt. Which one?

That brown furry one.

It's velour.

You know, maybe I'll go by the bookstore and see him.

Good for you.

And I'll wear the brown shirt.

You know, I've gotten quite a number of comments on it. Frankly, I've never

liked the way it hangs on me, but...

Apparently, others feel differently.

Paige.

I'm so excited about this ski trip. Yeah, me too.

We're not going. What? We are going someplace so much better. And you won't

this. And you won't need that.

And you don't look good in that anyway.

Why are you doing this? Where are we going? I'm helping you pack. We're going

the Golden Valley Center for Health and Relaxation.

Going to an old age home?

It's a spa, the most exclusive spa in California. You need to book a year in

advance. My boss had reservations, and he's not going, so we get him.

Where's your boss going?

Skiing.

Come on, it'll be great. I mean, you said yourself that you wanted to start

exercising more and eating right.

That's just something I say when I'm on hold for Domino's.

Come on, all the big stars go there.

Michelle Pfeiffer and Bridget Fonda, love it, will come out looking like

Hey, they went in looking like them.

Come on, we'll get massages and skin treatment.

They'll pamper us.

They will cater to our every whim.

Well, I do like my whims catered.

My last whim was a buffet style, which wasn't bad, but I prefer a sit -down

whim. It's just somehow classier.

This is one of those situations where I fight and fight and you still get your

way? Of course.

All right.

But you were driving. No, you have to drive. Okay.

I'm Sylvia, the spa director.

Hi, I'm Paige.

Hello. Hi, Ellen.

Hi. Pampers.

Oh, well, we'll get to that. Have you had a chance to look around? Yeah, yeah.

can't get over how pretty it is here.

Well, we're situated on 82 acres of Golden Valley woodland. I think you're

to find it very peaceful.

Oh, there's a family of deer.

Oh, I wish I had a gun.

I'm kidding.

at our spa is that we are your willpower.

We have no room service or food delivery of any kind, and as a matter of fact,

we'll hold your car keys in my office to avoid temptation.

It's our job to make sure that you listen to that little voice inside your

that says, get up early, work out, eat right.

There's my problem. See, my voice inside of my head says, sleep in, order pizza,

you can wear baggy clothes.

She's kidding.

She's a kidder. So, what's on the schedule for today?

Oh, today we have aerobics, weight training, karate, and kickboxing.

Oh, good. Later on, we can declare war on a neighboring spa.

You might find it kind of challenging at first, of course, depending on your

fitness level. How often do you work out? Oh, I work out a lot. I work out

religiously. I lift weights and say, God, that's heavy!

Okay, so...

Sylvia, if you need anything.

And you wanted to go skiing. Well, I gotta admit, it seems pretty great.

After all the workouts, I signed us up for a mud bath, a seaweed wrap, and

massages. Oh, a massage. That sounds good.

Yeah. I'm gonna get a shiatsu. Oh, Paige, we can't have puppies here.

Hey, Joe. Hey, Adam.

Nice shirt.

This whole thing?

It's great.

Makes you look like Greg Brady.

Compliment noted and accepted.

So what can I do for you? Nothing. I just, you know, came by to see you,

actually. You know, shoot the breeze.

Shoot away.

So, listen, Joe, I was wondering if you might be interested, in case you have

other plans or anything, in, you know, coming over and hanging out with me

tonight? Sounds like fun. What time?

Round eight?

Sure. I'm staying over at Ellen's, you know, keeping an eye on her cable for

while she's away.

I'll see you then. Okay.

Great.

Okay.

Bye.

You know, the last five miles of that hike, I wasn't feeling too pampered.

You had a great attitude, you know. The rest of us voted you best hiker.

Really?

Well, I have been walking since I was three.

Well, now you're going to love your massage.

Yeah. And you're going to love your salt flow rub.

Whatever that is.

All right, see ya. All right.

You must be Ellen Morgan.

And you are a very large man in my room.

I'm Brent, your masseur.

Well, bonjour, monsieur.

I'm all set up. Why don't you go into the bathroom, take off all your clothes,

and put on a towel?

All right.

I'll just go into the bathroom and take off all my clothes and put on a towel.

Then I'll be nude.

I love being nude.

I'd be naked all the time if it were up to me. It's only today's restrictive

society that keeps me wearing clothes.

Be right back.

Now listen, if you feel like falling asleep, that's fine.

You just relax and let me do all the work.

I sure will.

Now loosen up your hip here.

You want to hear some music?

Okay.

Somewhere, there's a space where we can be.

A place where we can be together.

That's it. Let it go.

Just let it go.

Why don't you let it go? Why don't you let it go?

Oh, yeah, that's good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that feels good.

I'm glad you're enjoying this.

Is that relaxing?

Oh, this is very relaxing. I find it very, very relaxing.

Uh -oh, it looks like the left lane in the 405 is blocked.

I'd take an alternate route if you're heading downtown anywhere.

I don't get it.

I was doing like a traffic report thing, like a helicopter.

Oh.

All right, this might hurt just a bit.

What is it again that I'm supposed to enjoy about this?

Will you relax? We only have 45 more minutes.

45 minutes? I'm getting out.

Paige. Paige, it's sucking me in.

Stop struggling.

There's a girl. She can help us. Oh, yeah, that's the hose girl.

Really?

I can call her that? She won't be offended?

Oh, Paige, good job.

Yoo -hoo!

Hose girl!

Great. She's going the other way. I've offended her. I should have called her

host person.

You're not enjoying this, but close your eyes and pretend like you're someplace

else.

Okay.

I'm on the top of a big, white, snowy mountain. I'm gracefully skiing down it.

Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh.

Oh, it's so much better than this.

Oh, I'm losing my balance. I'm falling. Oh, I've broken my leg. Still better.

I'm in the hospital.

Oh. Oh, no. I die on the operating table.

Still better.

What's that, St. Peter? You say I'm going to hell?

Still better.

I'm in hell, and... Oh, no. Oh, the devil's putting me in a big hot tub of

stinky mud!

Ah!

Ellen, if you're not enjoying yourself, just say so.

wrong with you now?

That mud is the gift that just keeps on giving.

I don't think hose girl was very thorough.

I am starving.

Me too.

Hi. How are we doing here? Sure. I'm Ellen. This is Paige.

Lauren. Tonya. Hi.

You look familiar. Are you a model? Yes, we both are.

We always come here before we do swimsuit layout.

You know, the camera adds 15 pounds.

I find Oreos do the same thing.

If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they just invent a camera that

takes off 15 pounds?

Heck, why not 20?

Then people like you could be models.

Well, veggies, let's dig in.

I suppose that's enough for me.

Me too.

Yep.

Let's bring on the main course.

Oh, this is the main course.

What? No more food?

But we're starving.

Oh, there's some sort of mistake. We're on the pampering plan. Along with a lot

of food.

No, you've got to give me another plate.

Please, sir. I want some more.

You're going to get us kicked out of here.

Wouldn't that be tragic?

That'd be horrible, sitting in a ski lodge right now with my feet up by the

fire, drinking hot cocoa and eating s'mores.

That sure stuck.

Nothing like a good hoagie. Glad I got a six -footer.

And now, a night of manly entertainment, The Fights.

Uh -oh.

Cable went out.

Maybe he'll come right back.

I don't understand.

This has never happened to me before.

Maybe we should just turn it off.

Okay.

You want to, you know, just talk?

Sure.

You seem uncomfortable.

You all right? I don't know.

It's just been a really long time since I've been with a man.

Wow, it's getting late.

You know, maybe I should go call it a night. Okay.

Hey, you know, next Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday. Maybe we could, you know, get

together and watch it together.

Sounds like a good idea.

We'll talk.

All right, great. Well, I'll see you Sunday.

I'll call. Okay.

Sunday. I'll call.

Did you say something, Ellen?

No, nothing. That was just my stomach growling.

Oh, it's saying, thank you, Ellen, for not filling me up with junk.

Here it sounded more like, knock Sylvia over the head, get your car keys back,

and get the hell out of here.

All right, just close your eyes now.

This will reduce puffiness.

And eliminate those unsightly bags.

Alrighty, you just relax.

Okay? There you go. Okay.

I'm so hungry.

You stop complaining.

You shut it. I'm not going to shut it. You shut it. You opened it.

I'm not going to shut it.

I'm hot.

That is so mature.

Oh, well, Tic Tac, I call it.

You call it? In what universe can you call my Tic Tac? I call it. You swiped

cucumber. I can't call it. It's mine.

Mine, mine, mine. Fine. Okay, this is it.

We'll do the fair thing. I'll cut it in half with this file.

Hey, you stupid blue -faced.

had to have the door open, didn't you? We always have to do things your way.

Hey, Ellen, I got an idea. Let's go to some wretched, horrible health spa for

the weekend.

Okay, Paige.

Fine. From now on, we'll do whatever you want to do. You're darn right we will.

All right, so what do you want to do?

I want to go get food.

Great, me too. What's the plan?

Okay, here's what we do. We sneak out of here, we find the nearest convenience

store, and we come back with a ton of nachos.

Yeah. Okay, who wants nachos? We do. When do we want them? Now. Who's in

You.

Well, what do you know? The phones are working.

I thought there might be something wrong with the line.

Look, I was going to call. Oh, yeah? And I was going to flap my wings and fly to

the moon. I wonder which would have happened first.

Please sit down.

What with Ellen gone, it's been really busy here, and I meant to call.

Really?

Yeah.

Geez, I'm so sorry, Joe.

It's all right. I understand.

No hard feelings?

Come on. Who are you talking to?

Hey, Joe. I'll see you Sunday.

Sunday?

Isn't Super Bowl Sunday?

I can explain. Don't bother.

It's a thing.

I really thought we had something.

Nice shirt.

It's not going to work this time, Joe.

Adam?

Adam?

I'm free for the Pro Bowl.

Tell you what, Joe.

I'll call you.

Men.

This way.

Oh, damn, the models.

That's all right.

We can take them.

Just go right for their faces.

I got the skinny one.

Where are you guys going?

Nowhere. Why are you dressed like this?

We're just going down to the docks to lift some heavy things.

Keeps the heart rate going. You're sneaking out to get food, aren't you?

Please, take us with you.

Please, we're starving.

No, sorry, this is a two -person job.

We can help you carry more food. No, with those bony arms, you've got to be

kidding me.

No, we'll bring the food back. We've got eater's arms.

Don't go that way. Sylvia's having a sit -up party in the lobby.

A sit -up party?

Thanks. And then... Go on, just wait.

The convenience store should be right past these trees.

Now what, oh glorious leader?

Funny, there's that tone again. The one I said I didn't appreciate.

No problem.

You just give me a boost over and then I'll help you.

Go.

Piece of cake.

Thanks for your concern, Paige. I'm fine.

Problem, I'll just unzip it and slip out of it.

Well, that zipper dicks sometimes.

So it does.

No problem, good leaders keep a cool head.

You're a model.

See if you can slip through there and help me.

I resign, you're the leader again.

I can't believe I let you talk me into doing this.

Can't believe you made me come here. Oh, you always have to listen to what I

say.

What are we doing?

I don't know.

Why are we fighting?

It does seem kind of silly, doesn't it?

Uncomfortable? You. You have it sweet. Your feet are on the ground.

Oh, boy.

Up there swinging in a comfy hammock. Oh, comfy hammock. I am so much more

uncomfortable than you.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Well, you're going to be.

Oh, yeah. Well, I... Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I see a couple of trucker types coming out of the convenience store.

What'd they get?

Ooh, little chocolate donuts.

Any fruit pies?

Yeah. Yeah, two. It looks like blueberry and... cherry. It's dripping.

Oh, what I'd give to lick that trucker's chin.

You know, you gotta admit, this is pretty funny.

Yeah.

I mean, I was really mad that you bullied me into coming here, and I

hated every minute of it, but now that I'm stuck hanging on a fence, I'm having

a lot of fun.

And it's going to make a great story.

And we're here together.

Well, the most important thing is no harm done.

Hey, you're starting to smell a little musky.

Oh there goes my stomach again.