Original subtitles

Of course he's guilty. But are they going to find him guilty? I met the

-in -law of the ex -boyfriend of the court stenographer, and she says, no

Yeah. Well, my dry cleaner and I give him a lot of business, so he's not about

to lie to me.

His cousin works in the prison laundry, and he met the ex -wife of one of his

golfing buddies who said that he said that he did it.

What did he say exactly?

I don't know.

Yep, I did it. I killed him.

What can I say?

Something like that.

I have our whole day planned. We're going for a hike in Topanga Canyon, and

we're going to have lunch at the beach. I can't. I'm going apartment hunting

with Audrey.

Audrey? Blow her off.

Can't. Don't like her enough.

You just blew me off.

That's because I like you. I don't feel guilty when I blow you off. Believe me,

if we weren't so close, I'd spend a lot more time with you.

I can't believe it.

Some psycho stole my newspaper again.

What kind of depraved mind sees a poor defenseless little newspaper sitting on

welcome mat and decides to snatch it up?

Animal.

Adam, the mat does say welcome.

No, Ellen, it does not. It's Garfield, and it says wipe your paws.

Why don't you just buy another paper?

Oh, just buy another paper. Just sweep the problem under the rug. You know,

you're what's wrong with America.

I'm going to do something about this.

Hi, Ellen. Ready to go?

Yeah.

Paige.

Hi, Audrey.

Don't tell me. It's on the tip of my tongue.

Adam. Oh.

Ellen, thanks again for coming with me. I can always count on you to be free on

a weekend.

So, why are you moving?

My apartment complex has become filled with half of young Hollywood.

Party, party, party.

Well, guess what, Keanu? At night, I like to sleep.

I would love to find a place in this neighborhood.

Oh, Ellen, wouldn't it be great? I would be here all the time.

I'd be like a fixture in this place.

I'd be like that lamp.

Race you to the car.

The key to finding a good apartment is to just keep driving.

Up and down, block by block, over and over, day after day after day.

Hey, here's one. How do you feel about San Diego?

Alan, don't make me laugh. I have to pee.

I don't understand why you don't want to look in your neighborhood. It seems

kind of sweet.

Sure, if you don't mind living in the middle of Gang Central.

Look at that guy over there selling crack.

Those look like oranges.

Dear sweet Audrey, so young, so naive.

The place is crawling with gang members.

Look, there are five of them crossing in front of us right now.

They act like they own the place.

Oh, and that's a family.

You wouldn't laugh today on this block.

Look, they're in their colors. They're navy and khaki.

They look like... Oh, yep, they are. They're, uh...

They're gaps, all right.

Look at this. Does this look like it's been gnawed at?

Oh, those are rat teeth, definitely.

What's the matter?

Oh, this is terrible. I can't be around rats.

Rats terrify me. But they're so cute. What scares you about them?

Your little black eyes? No.

Your long pink tails? No.

Your cute little whiskers?

Hey.

So, did you manage to find Audrey an apartment far, far away? We found many

apartments. She didn't take any of them.

It was the longest Saturday of my life.

Did you know that one Audrey Saturday is equal to seven human Saturdays?

I can't believe I'm going out again this weekend. You're going again? I have to.

She's got her eye on an apartment in my neighborhood.

I must protect my community.

You've got to find a place and just sell her on it. She's so picky. She passed

up one fabulous sublet because the phone jacks were beige.

Well, beige.

She's not a savage.

You are not going to believe who I met this morning.

Come on, yes.

Gary Coleman?

Alternate juror. Number 16.

I bet he got teased a lot in grade school for that kind of name.

You focus.

We're talking.

The case.

I'm having dinner with him tomorrow night. Really?

What's he like?

Very intense, very into jury duty, and very paranoid about being exposed to any

kind of information about the case.

So what'd you talk about? Did he give you any dirt?

No, he gave me nothing. He's honorable and decent and good.

I can break him.

Here we are.

Oh, Audrey.

I think... I know I've said this a lot today, but... Wow.

Tell you what. Why don't you take a couple of minutes, decide what you want

do. I go take a leak. How's that sound?

Like poetry.

Thanks.

I don't know, Ellen. I think I'd rather go back and look in your neighborhood.

Oh, I can't stand this.

What do you mean?

I mean, I can't.

I can't stand here and watch you make the biggest mistake of your life.

I mean, up until now, I've held my tongue because I figured, you know,

knows what she's doing, but I can be silent no longer. Girlfriend, this

apartment is you.

You really think so?

Look at the phone jack.

White as white can be.

That's kind of nice.

Look at the ceiling.

Are you crazy?

He just takes a pulpit of the 405 to the 10 to the 110 to the 101 and you shoot

down Highland and it's Howdy Neighbor.

What am I saying? It's going to be me who's going to be here all the time.

You mean it?

Oh, well, it's so convenient to my motor oil recycling center.

Well, I do kind of like the foyer.

Audrey, chill.

I mean, we know you love the place, but you've got to be cool around the

manager.

So, uh, what are you thinking?

Negotiations can be very delicate. Let me handle this.

How much for this place?

$500 a month.

We'll give you $450.

No. $470. No. $490. No. $91. No. $92. No. $93. No. $94. No. $95. All right.

right. $495.

We've got a deal.

Ellen, you are remarkable.

That's right.

Finished third in the Ironman.

It's probably the greatest accomplishment of my life.

I'll be damned.

So, what happened in the judge's chambers? Did you see the knife? You saw

knife, right?

Paige.

I can't really discuss that with you.

Come on.

No one has to know.

I'm sorry, I can't. He's entitled to a fair and speedy trial, and I will not

jeopardize that right with idle gossip.

Even if the gossiper is as attractive as you.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

So, triathlons.

That sounds tiring.

I don't know why you just don't use the old -fashioned traps.

Set them out, whack, end of story, get the job done a lot quicker, if you ask

me. I can't believe you just said that.

I think after three weeks you know a person.

Monster!

This is so much more humane.

What are we using for bait here?

Talagio. It's a sharp, runny Italian cheese.

I still think we should use peanut butter. That's what they use to get the

to crawl on Ernest Borgnine.

Hey.

Joe. Adam.

Well, the jig is up for the paper thief.

Check it out.

Dental floss.

Oh, I get it. So you're going to catch him, pin him down, and with a very

up -and -down motion, remove his plaque.

having to understand. See, a single invisible strand of floss is attached to

newspaper. From there, it runs through a complex series of pulleys and eyelets

into the broom closet, and there, it's connected to the cable release on my

camera. He grabs my newspaper.

Flash! I've got my man.

It's not on an episode of MacGyver.

Nah, probably just a slight tremor miles away from here.

Yeah, you're right. Except in that teeny, there's probably no damage at

Unless you're living in the most poorly constructed building, like right on the

epicenter.

By the book.

Hi Ellen, it's Audrey.

I think I may need a place to stay.

Audrey! What?

I kind of like my Sunday mornings to be quiet, you know, until, like, 60 Minutes

comes on.

I'm sorry.

I guess I've been a little selfish since narrowly escaping death when the

apartment you talked me into taking collapsed around me.

Well, maybe it's time to, uh, you know, to get back out there, because there are

a lot of great listings still.

Here's a huge one -bedroom in Beachwood Canyon. Great view.

What do I need with a view? Am I going to be sitting and staring out the window

all day?

Excuse me, I have a job.

Okay, that's fair enough. Here's one in Santa Monica Canyon.

Too far.

There's an oceanfront castle on 70 acres for free.

If I'm getting on your nerves living with you, just say the word and I'll be

gone. No, I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sorry.

It's been great having you here for seven days.

For a whole week.

Oh, my God.

You're right. It's been a whole week.

I'm so insensitive.

I completely forgot this is our one -week anniversary of living together.

And what better way to celebrate than a good old -fashioned apartment hunt?

Oh, that can wait. Let's hit the supermarket for some powdered donuts and

spumanti.

Ah, well, once again, I find myself in the position of racing you to your car.

Oh, silly.

I really think I need buns with steel.

I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.

Well, the paper thief has struck again.

It's in my butt.

Better? Yeah, a little better.

Ellen, this time he not only took my newspaper, he also took my camera and my

dental floss.

He's obviously some type of criminal genius.

I'm not giving up.

In the meantime, can I have your comics?

Sure.

Yesterday, Kathy made this bunch of brownies.

Today, I think she's going to eat them.

She doesn't. You're going to die.

Oh, thanks.

Boy, he's around a lot.

Well, he lives across the hall.

I get it. You've got a friend. They're kind of clingy, but you don't know how

shake them.

Here's what you say.

We're friends.

I like you. I like being with you.

But there's a wall.

I like you, but there's a wall.

Audrey, we're friends.

I like you. I like being with you, but there's a wall.

I like you, but there's a wall.

Good!

Paige, hi!

Oh, it's so great to see you. Come sit down. Hi, Audrey. Paige.

How's everything going with alternate juror number 16? Did he mention anything

about the bloody glove?

No, but I know every stinking detail about stupid triathlons in crappy

Oh, but number 16 did tell me something that might interest the two of you guys.

It seems that a friend of his wants to rent out a guest house overlooking the

beach. Oh, Audrey, did you hear that?

Of course I did. She's practically yelling.

I can never rent a guest house. How depressing.

I feel like I was living under feudalism.

Well, still, I mean, we should look.

And then when you get back, maybe we can go to lunch.

Oh, that sounds really great.

There's a wall.

At the foot of the rose garden, you can see an ornate wooden swing.

The owner brought that back from Bali.

And from there, you can just... Sit and enjoy the Pacific.

That sounds exciting for the first five minutes.

I have a view outside of my apartment of Bob's Big Boy.

It's kind of frightening, actually, that big, gigantic, baby -headed big boy

staring at you when you're brushing your teeth at night.

There's also a two -car garage, a washer -dryer, and a microwave oven. Not to

mention peacocks, rabbits, and a family of deer.

No wonder old McDonald can't find a tenant.

I'll give you some time to look around. If you have any questions... I'll be out

by the spa.

Spa?

Audrey, did you hear that?

Of course. Why is everybody yelling?

So what do you think?

Where to begin? The damp air, the endless commute to civilization, the

peacock, and rabbits everywhere?

I don't get it. This place is perfect.

Please. I'd rather stay at your apartment.

Okay. You take my apartment.

Debbie?

I'll take it.

That's the last of them.

The movers are bringing in the bigger stuff tomorrow.

Wow, this is so weird. This is happening so fast.

I'm really going to miss having you next door.

I can't believe that you are going to be living across the hall from Audrey.

Tell me about it. She's got to be the most annoying person I've ever met.

I wonder if she'd sleep with me.

I am going to love living here.

Look at that sunset.

Yeah, it is beautiful, isn't it?

Sure is.

This always west, right?

No, this is west. That's south.

So then this direction would be north?

Uh -huh.

Wow, I guess out by the beach you get a 360 degree...

I'll get your photo albums. I'll get the door.

Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Have some dignity, for God's sake.

I loosened it.

Good on you.

Don't worry about stretching it out. I'm sure it'll shrink back to its original

size in the dryer.

Thanks again for letting me stay here last night. Oh, I insist.

You've been through a terrible ordeal.

Sunny D?

No, thanks.

This is really kind of ironic.

Just yesterday, this was my apartment, and you were the guest, very close to

finding your own place, and now...

Today, just one day later, it's the other way around.

It's kind of funny, because I never even got a chance to completely move into my

guest house before it burned down.

So technically, I never moved out. And in a very real, potentially small claims

court kind of a way, this is still my apartment.

Ellen, if this is your way of hinting around that you want to move back in,

all for it.

Really? Of course.

I mean, let's face it. Between my earthquake and your fire, I think Mother

Nature is sending us a message.

She's saying, take down that wall.

You two should live together.

No, that's not what I meant. Ellen, sometimes when God closes a door, he

window.

I know. I just feel like I want to jump out of it.

But it would be so great. I've got two bedrooms here, and now that I've fixed

the place up... Yeah.

It's amazing what a couple hundred ceramic kitties will do.

Audrey, Ellen, it's Paige. Can we come in for a sec? Sure.

Price of clothes.

Thanks.

Oh, uh, this is my new friend, alternate juror number 16.

Paige, please.

Just call me number 16.

Don't move, unless you want to feel the sting of my pepper spray.

Okay, now put the paper down nice and easy.

Very good. Now kick it over to the lady in the ill -fitting bathroom.

Go on.

Very nice. Ellen, now pick up the paper and read me what it says on the label.

Adam Green, psychopath.

Thank you.

Selman from Apartment 9. I should have known.

Shut up!

Hands over your head!

I want you out of here by sundown now. Get out of my sight!

It's on Selman's apartment.

Oh, my God!

The blood on the knife matches the blood on the glove, but they're saying it was

improperly impounded. No!

Nice again for letting

me have my apartment back.

Well, if we're not going to be roommates, what do I need with a two

Besides, Selman's apartment has air conditioning and a breakfast nook. It's

practically a miracle.

Yeah. You know, sometimes when God opens a door, he kicks a petty thief out of

his apartment, opens another door, walks you down the hall, shows you the

thief's apartment, and gives you air conditioning.

I'm not sure God always does that.

Ellen, don't be sad.

So we're not roommates.

We're still neighbors.

I'll be here just as often.

Well, that does soften the blow.

So, breakfast tomorrow at 7. See you then, neighbor.

Okay. Bye.

Why?

Why?

Oops,

I forgot Inky.

Oh, Ellen, it's just till tomorrow morning.

So you take Sunset to the Palisades and Will Rogers Park will be on your right.

And let them out in that big green field by the pine trees.

Okay. Oh, look at them.

Thirteen of the little, well, not so little buggers.

They're so precious.

I didn't think you wanted to kill them.

Ixnay on the ilkay, the atsray may be isning lay.

Careful. Yeah.

Drive carefully. Yeah.

You made sure all the lid latches were closed, right?

Lid latches?