Original subtitles

This is so embarrassing.

We know nothing.

All right, players, as I said, the final Jeopardy category is art history.

Hey, this one's mine. I took art history in college. And here is the final

Jeopardy answer.

This 20th century Russian painter is often referred to as the creator of the

first pure abstraction.

Okay. Good luck.

I know this.

Who is somebody? Who is somebody? Somebody is key. Somebody... Who is

Vasily Kandinsky? Who is Vasily Kandinsky?

You know, that Jerome just made more money in half an hour than I'm going to

make all year.

And why?

Because he's smart.

We're stupid.

No, we're not. We knew all the TV questions.

Even the PBS one.

Yeah, Adam, I'm sure the judges would have accepted who is some old English

Okay, well, maybe we can't answer questions, but we know stuff that is

important. Like, I can get from my house to anywhere in the city without making

a left turn. Huh?

Well, I always pick the fast line at the grocery store. Tell me that's not

valuable. I used to know this stuff.

Isn't anyone embarrassed by this? What for? It's not as if you're going to run

into this Kandinsky guy on the street.

Well, of course not. He's dead.

I think.

I'm going to find out.

How?

I'm going to read. I'm going to learn. I'm going to take a refresher course in

everything.

It's so inspiring, Ellen.

I'm going to take a nap.

What about Wheel of Fortune?

They make it too hard these days.

Thank you, Joe.

My pleasure, Stephanie, dear.

Ah, the bloom of new love.

Oops!

I actually envy you. But you can't catch me.

I'm to hit you.

Oh, that's sweet.

Could you guys not do that in here?

Sorry, Helen.

It's just that we're extra happy today.

This morning, Stephanie moved in with me. I officially have a ball and chain.

Well, congratulations.

We did it in honor of our two -week anniversary.

Don't you guys think you're rushing things a little?

Because I sure don't. No.

Hi. Hey, you ready to go? Yeah, but, you know, I changed my mind. I don't want

to go to a movie.

What do you mean? It's Van Damme. We love Van Damme. Yeah, I know we do, but

want to go to a museum instead.

A museum?

In L .A.?

Is there one?

Yes, and they're showing this exhibit on Kandinsky. I'm reading this book about

him. Oh, the Jeopardy guy.

Yeah, and look at this painting. This is called Blue Mountain. It's from his

Munich period.

In this one, Van Damme goes back in time.

Look, I'm going to the exhibit, and if you two care anything about learning

intelligence or knowledge, you'll come with me.

But I want milk duds.

I'll buy you some Milk Duds. But I want the big feeder size.

Stop at a video store now. Shut up, you big baby.

You're the baby.

I don't get art.

You've got to give it time.

No, my mom said that if it doesn't go with the drapes, it's not worth having.

Yeah, actually, your mom's right. This $3 million Kandinsky would clash with

ceramic clown collection.

They're hobos, Ellen.

I always hated being dragged to museums. They're so stuffy. I always had this

uncontrollable urge to do cartwheels.

That is so immature, Paige.

Look, tic -tac -toe, I'll be X's, you be O's.

You just missed them. They went that way. It was two men, one tall, thin man

with a limp, and then a short man with a patch. Not an eye patch, but like a

shoulder patch, like he was trying to quit smoking or something edgy, and he

just touched it. Go get them. They were that way.

Oh, look, Marky Mark.

Oh,

this is the picture that I saw in the book.

This is so cool to see it in person. You know, before this, Kandinsky was very

representational. Like if he was painting a horse, it looked like a

Oh, I get it. So if he was painting dogs playing poker, they really were playing

poker.

I'm going to go look at the sculptures.

Did you know Kandinsky was a lawyer?

Me? Well, actually, he studied law, but he never practiced.

I stand charmingly corrected.

Don't the colors seem almost dreamlike? They speak directly to the senses.

Kandinsky had very specific associations for color.

Yellow was assertive, blue was restful, and green was smug, like the middle

class.

Well said.

Well, I just calls them as I sees them.

So, you like nude men.

Yeah, it's kind of a coincidence, because underneath these clothes, I'm

completely naked.

Done.

Well, that didn't work too well, did it?

Worked perfectly.

Wanted to sit.

Did you know that Kandinsky's earliest memories were of color? Really? Yeah.

My earliest memories is crawling through the dog door and sitting on the

driveway.

Ellen Morgan. Roger Thompson.

Are you an artist?

Unfortunately, no. I teach at UCLA.

I'm a professor of Pan -Arab politics.

Wow. I mean, politics alone, that's exciting, but then add Pan -Ab to it.

Don't get me started. I know about that.

And you?

I own a book. Oh, how wonderful to be surrounded by books all day long. I envy

you. We, uh, sell coffee, too.

You know, if you appreciate the improvisational freedom of Kandinsky, I

to say you were a fellow jazz lover as well.

Did you go through my wallet?

You venture correctly. Yes, I love jazz.

Well, I'm going to see Herbie Hancock tomorrow night. Perhaps you could join

Share your opinions on funk versus fusion.

I'd love to, yes, because, you know, funk is one thing, but then fusion...

another.

Wonderful. Here's my card.

Call me tomorrow.

I will.

Goodbye, Ellen.

Bye -bye.

Ellen, come here. You've got to see this. Come here. The work, the shapes,

angles. And as a photographer, I'm always fascinated by areas of light and

shadow in a painting.

Hey.

What?

Joe. Joe.

Ellen.

Ellen.

Ellen, hi. What are you doing here?

Stephanie and I had a huge fight.

I moved out.

It's over between us.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What happened?

First 45 minutes were paradise.

Suddenly, the magic was gone.

The sex got to be routine.

It was wham, bam, thank you, Joe.

I even had to think of other women just to get excited.

Thank you, by the way.

Well, uh, you can't live here.

Well, Stephanie gave up her place. I can't just throw her out on the street.

It's either here or your place.

Here's good.

Thanks.

Wow, here I am going on about me. What's happening with you, Ellen Morgan?

Oh, well, I'm picking up some books on jazz. I met this professor at a museum,

and he's taking me to see Henny Herbcock.

So I need to learn everything there is to know about jazz by 8 o 'clock

night.

Well, good luck.

Lammy?

Lammy.

All

right,

I know jazz.

Quiz me.

Okay. He wrote Straight No Chaser. Who is Thelonious Monk, High Priest of Bup?

Dick it.

Okay. He was a fabulous trumpeter.

His given name was John Burke.

Who was Diddy Gillespie?

Ellen, are you aware of the fact that you're cramming for a date?

I just don't want to look stupid. I was learning anyway, and now I've chosen

jazz as my next subject.

Keep them coming, Paige.

He recorded Take Five.

I don't know that.

Do you think that'll be on the date?

Hide the books. Hide the books.

Hi. Hello, Adam. Roger, come in. Thank you. These are my friends, Paige and

Adam. Paige.

Hello, Adam. They don't live here.

I have an amazing surprise.

There's been a change of plans.

We're going to the marriage of Figaro.

Oh, I'm not dressed for a wedding.

Are you enjoying it, John?

Yes. Yeah, that cat sure can swing.

The tenor? Yeah.

Reminds me of Charlie Parker.

Inventor of bebop.

Lover of nutmeg.

1920 to 1955.

Bird.

Sorry about that. Can you toss those back up here?

Wow. Good arm, Duchess.

That was something. We'll have to do that again sometime real soon. Ellen,

is just the intermission.

I know. I know. I'm saying that we'll have to do that again. And when I see

second half, we'll probably have to do that again soon, too. Because this is...

I love it. This is like being in a Mariah Carey concert.

You seem uncomfortable.

Are you not having a good time?

Are you kidding? Having a good time? It's opera.

Then it must be me.

Actually, it's opera.

I thought we were going to see a jazz concert, so I studied up on that.

I don't know what you mean.

I'm not as educated as I seem. I could talk about Kandinsky because I just read

a book about him.

I'm sorry. I just didn't want you to think I was stupid.

Well, why would I think that?

Because I am.

I don't know nothing about nothing.

But you clearly have a thirst for knowledge. I share that with you.

Yeah, but this is your world. I don't fit in here.

I'm sorry. I only brought you here because I thought you'd enjoy it.

Let's go out again tomorrow night and do something you love to do. I want you to

show me your world.

Well, tomorrow night is Melrose Place night.

This Melrose Place.

Take me there.

We're going to need a new sponge and more liquid soap. A lot more.

Just bought a five -gallon drum.

Hi, Ellen. I'm sorry I'm late.

Joe, go talk to her.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

Oh, good.

Now we can all get back to work around here.

Stephanie, come home with me tonight. Be with me. Lay across my big brass bed.

No, no, no, no.

Let's start over with a place we can call ours.

Or you could spend some time getting to know each other better.

Ellen's right. Let's take the day off.

Joe, you're in your bathrobe. I know, and I'm as naked as a jaybird

But I'm young and crazy in love, and I don't care.

It is a little windy out. I think I'll change.

Can I get you another box of juice?

No.

Well,

Roger, you said you wanted to see my world. What did you think of Melrose

Well, I... I don't know what to say.

Well, we watch meaningful shows, too. I mean, what's a show we watch, Adam? The

Commish.

There you go.

This Amanda character.

Heather Locklear.

Perhaps I'm stating the obvious here, but isn't Amanda reminiscent of Lady

Macbeth?

Heartlessly manipulating these young innocents, always to further her own

yet possessing an underlying vulnerability within which lie the seeds

downfall.

See, he does get it.

Who is this gentle bard whose finger is on the pulse of all that which makes us

human? Aaron Spelling?

Roger?

Would you like to try the clicker?

He likes you.

You know, having seen both the Honeymooners and the Flintstones, I'm

some amazing similarities.

Not just between Ralph and Fred.

Between Norton and Barney as well? Yeah, well, sure, of course. You know, and

basically it goes without saying that Wilma is basically Alice with a bone in

her head. Exactly.

How about that Betty?

Wouldn't get her out of my cave.

Hey, hey, you know, I think you guys are on to something here, but I have to go

to work in four hours. Paige!

Oh, oh, oh, a Korean game show is just about to start.

Loosely translated, it's called Who's Got My Pants? This should be good.

Oh, God, not more reading.

Haven't you learned enough?

Paige, you can never learn enough.

History of opera.

Still trying to impress that Roger?

No, I'm doing this for me.

And would it impress Roger, I'd buy a bigger TV.

Last night, we stayed up until 2 .30 in the morning watching Nick at night. He's

fascinated by Gilligan's Island.

Who is it?

He kept saying, if there's so much great stuff on the other side of the island,

why don't they just live there?

Duh, the lagoon.

I can't stand this anymore. I mean, we haven't actually left the house for a

week. He just sits and stares at the television with a stupid look on his

Might as well be dating Adam.

Hi. Hi, Roger.

Hi.

Paige, what a surprise to find you here.

Adam, ready for a terrific evening?

Well, you know what? I know you've been looking forward to TGIF all week long. I

mean, we all have, but I thought maybe tonight we could go out.

My thoughts exactly. We are going out tonight.

Really? Where?

It's a surprise.

Let's just say it's a long -running show and tickets are very hard to come by.

Oh!

That's exactly what I had in mind.

Rainmaker, in team.

Okay, okay, I guess you remember.

Don't get me wrong, this is a terrific show, but I just thought maybe we'd be

doing something else. Isn't this exciting?

Michel is so adorable.

And look at Danny, he's so funny, and a great father, too. He's what every guy

wants to be.

It's Bob Saget. You know, he has another show, too. Do you take me for a fool?

Of course I know that.

Hey, Bob!

Mary Kate!

You guys deserve the Emmy!

Thank you very much, sir.

Where are you from?

England! Oh, really? It's nice to see our fans from across the sea.

Call security. Have them taken out, please.

Roger, could you sit down? People are looking.

You know, Adam, ever since the day I was born, I've been pushed to learn, learn,

learn. I'm sick of it.

I just want to sit back and be entertained. Thank you for introducing

television. Oh, that's nice, but I already know about TV.

I was hoping to learn about other things, basically everything else. I

know about everything else.

That's kind of why I found you so exciting.

So, sweetheart, the important thing to remember is names can only hurt you if

you let them hurt you.

Always remember that. Don't you think that Danny is an idealized portrait of a

father figure representing to us all what we wish our fathers could be?

I mean, in that sense, doesn't he then become a father to us all? Who cares?

He's funny.

Can we go?

This is beautiful.

Madame Butterfly is saying goodbye to her son.

She's saying if you cannot live with honor, it is better to die with honor.

You know, we're missing the commish.

You ever hear from that Roger guy anymore?

No. He stopped calling ever since he got that direct satellite dish.

150 channels.

I don't get opera.

Why do they have to sing everything?

Why can't they just say it?

Yeah. Say it, don't spray it.