Original subtitles

Yeah,

Mom, I'm really getting into this cooking thing.

Yeah, I had a long day at work. I didn't have a quiet evening at home.

Now I'm by myself.

Why are you crying?

Mom, Mom, a clove of garlic, that seems like a lot to put that whole... It comes

apart. Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Also, a pinch of salt.

What is the... Oh, it's an actual pinch.

How do you get your fingers in there?

I gotta go.

All right. Bye.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm cooking.

So, you sure you don't mind covering for me?

No. I should be back in about an hour.

Definitely, yes.

And you know the register codes? Answer hazy. Try again later.

Joe, what was with you today? I went to the doctor this morning.

Upset stomach.

He ran a few tests, and it's not good.

Oh, my God, Joe. I'm sorry. What did he say?

I have an ulcer.

Oh, that's too bad.

That's not the bad part.

I can't have coffee anymore.

See that guy there?

It used to be me.

Lucky bastard.

Hey, you. Ready for lunch? I'm famished. Yeah, me too.

Hey, did I mention that somebody might be joining us today? I'm not eating

with your mother.

It's worse.

Audrey, see ya. Oh, come on. She is the most horrible, negative, annoying person

on the planet.

True, but she's my friend, and I don't want to hurt her, so I have these guilt

lunches every few months.

Don't get guilt.

I think it's stupid.

Well, it may be stupid, but it gives my life meaning.

And the good news is...

And the good news is that she's bringing her friend Jessica along. Remember I

told you about her? She's the travel writer for Rolling Stone. She's been

everywhere. She's done everything. And whenever she's in town, she throws the

coolest parties.

She's that terrific, huh? I've never met her, but today's the day.

I want you to come.

Hi, Ellen.

Hi, Audrey.

Hi.

Ellen, Paige, this is my friend Jessica. Hi. Hi. Hi.

The coffee bar doesn't seem to be doing much business.

Well, it ebbs and flows, you know.

What a great bookstore.

Thanks, Jessica. Let me show you around. Okay.

Paige, what happened to your hair?

Ellen!

I envy you. To be surrounded by the aroma of roasting coffee day in, day

I can't have coffee anymore.

I had to give up coffee once. I thought the caffeine headaches would kill me.

When did you quit?

197 minutes ago.

The first few days are like a honeymoon, but the next four months are brutal.

Brutal!

You know what? I always thought that maybe I'd go in for travel writing

You know, if I ever went anywhere and was a good writer.

So what's like your single greatest travel experience?

Well, I guess the coolest thing ever would have to be the sunrise balloon

in Kenya.

Wow. I once took a sunrise super shuttle to the airport.

Headed up to Fresno for the weekend.

Whoa. You'd think it would stop.

The pounding and pounding and pounding.

People say it's like a jackhammer.

Ha! After two months of this, you would pray for a jackhammer.

Please go away.

Hey, Audrey, we should get going.

Alan, have you put on a little weight?

You know,

this living apart arrangement seems to really be working out well.

Sure, I had to let them in to deliver this.

Darn it, I ordered a medium V -neck sweater.

When they settled my uncle Phil's estate, we each got to pick one item.

Chose the biggest thing there.

And you brought it in to show me.

Hey. Hey.

It's mine.

How do you like it?

Adam, I thought that we'd been through this. On game shows, we always take the

cash.

Hey, wasn't lunch today terrific?

I thought you were having lunch with Audrey. Yeah, she brought this friend,

Jessica. She's a travel writer for Rolling Stone.

She's actually been to the top of the Matterhorn.

At Disneyland?

Who hasn't?

You should call her and see if she wants to go to the movie with us tonight. I'd

love to, but I can't. She's Audrey's friend. I won't go behind her back. It'd

like cheating on her.

Audrey gets hurt very easily, and I can't live with the guilt.

So I'll call her.

No, you have even less right than I do. You're two friends removed.

No.

If we want to become friends with Jessica, we just have to let it happen

naturally. Okay, then. Let's pick a movie that Jessica would be at.

All right, I'll get the paper.

Oh, furniture huge.

Gravitational force too strong.

Must break free.

Must warn others.

Hello? Hi, Ellen, it's Audrey.

Audrey, hi.

Do you want to come over to my place for dinner on Tuesday?

Oh, let me check my book.

Oh, darn, I'm pretty busy. This would be what, just you and me?

And Jessica.

Let me check again.

Oh, wait. You said Tuesday?

Tuesday's fine.

Here I was, and this is actually kind of funny, thinking you said today, only in

kind of a goofy voice and adding a zoos sound, which I was thinking was a speech

impediment, so that's why I wasn't about to make fun of that. That would be

wrong. So no, Tuesday's good.

I'll put it in my book.

All right, so I'll see you there, Audrey.

The party's inside. Actually, I've got to run.

Out to the party, get something, then right back inside?

No, my editor just paged me. I have to fill in for a friend on an assignment.

I'm on my way to San Francisco.

Then right back here?

I'm sorry. We'll definitely do this another time.

because I thought you'd forget the apartment number.

Weren't you a little blotto last time you were here?

No. Hey, listen, Jessica just told me what happened, so if you want to do this

another night... Oh, don't be crazy.

Anyway, you should be relieved about Jessica. She'd have driven us nuts

about her stupid party.

She's having a stupid party?

Please, she's been planning it for weeks.

Two chefs from the Culinary Institute, six courses, three wines, blah, blah,

blah.

Why the big fuss?

Food is food, am I right?

Yeah, that's what I always say about food.

It's food.

Oh, and then celebrity guests start to arrive.

That's just how I want to spend my Saturday night.

Listening to Quentin Tarantino drone on.

Me, me, me, Khan.

Me, me, me, John Travolta. Me, me, me, most talented filmmaker of the decade.

Excuse me, do I look like I'm interested?

Better come in, the noodle casserole's starting to burn.

It was horrible. Four hours of noodle casserole and Yahtzee.

I never even got to talk to Jessica.

So how's the coffee this morning?

It's okay. Oh, and you wouldn't believe the party that Jessica's throwing

Saturday night.

Incredible food, live music, Quentin Tarantuti.

I've lived in Los Angeles 12 years. I've never been to a party like that.

If I were to kiss you now, would... I taste coffee.

Probably. And the thing is, you know, I can't just call up and invite myself

because I still haven't spent enough time with her. There are firmly

rules. You start to violate these rules, society breaks down. You have anarchy,

chaos, tribal warfare.

You're not even listening to me.

I'm sorry, Ellen. I can't focus. I haven't had a sip of coffee in four

Last night, I was hallucinating. My espresso mugs broke into a rendition of

Our Guest.

party. Sweet, sweet coffee breath.

What's wrong with me?

I'm a grown woman. There's only one way to go about this.

Hello? Audrey, hi.

Ellen? Yes, of course it's me. Crazy?

Three times in one week. Boy, it's feast or famine with you.

Well, die on a bib and ring that chow bell.

Because, I mean, I just had so much fun with you last night, I thought maybe we

could get together this weekend.

I guess that would be okay.

When are you free?

Well, weekend's wide open. I'm giving you first crack.

How about Sunday?

Oh, Sunday's no good.

I thought you said you were free all weekend.

Well, yes, but I tend to think of the weekend as Friday and Saturday. Sunday

our family was the Sabbath, a time for quiet reflection. My daddy was a very

religious man. I'm sure you can respect that.

Well, what about Friday?

Oh, now, see, Friday I think of as part of my work week. I think it was my mama

who instilled in us a strong Puritan work ethic.

What about Saturday?

Hmm, Saturday I have plans.

Well, I could, you know, tag along.

Doesn't matter to me what you have to do so long as I get to see you. I mean,

I've just had so much fun with you that I thought that we should, you know, get

together because I just really have to see you Saturday night from 7 .30 on.

Actually, it's just this party at Jessica's. Would you mind dropping by?

Jessica.

Oh, your friend. Right, yeah. Well, you know, hey, if you feel like you need to

put in an appearance, what am I saying? If it means I get to spend time with

you, let's do it!

Hey, Adam.

I just talked to my cousin, Kip. You know what he got for my uncle's estate?

The Lincoln Green letters.

Get out of here.

You're kidding.

What are they?

My great -great -great -uncle corresponded with Abraham Lincoln right

the assassination.

The family thought the letters had been lost over the years, and now Kip finds

them in my uncle's hope chest.

Yeah, but does he have seven little drawers for his underwear and cufflinks?

I think not.

Okay, I did a book report on Lincoln in junior high. Those letters should be

mine. I'm calling him back.

You don't live here anymore!

Amazing. I envy how you never seem to care how you look.

Well, look, smell, I'm just that kind of girl.

Besides, people will wear anything to a party.

Oh, that.

I called Jessica and told her I couldn't make it.

Well, why would you do that?

Well, you seem so anxious to get together with me.

I wasn't about to drag you off to one of Jessica's parties with all the food and

the music and the beautiful people.

I made a dinner reservation.

Adieu.

Très bien.

I hope you like cowpokes. It's only two blocks away. We can walk.

Tonight's their $5 .95 unlimited steak and salad bar. You can eat yourself

I'm already there.

When did you start this vegetarian kit?

Thirteen years ago.

You won't try a bite of flank steak? No one has to know.

No, that's a tail cast.

It's not gristly, look.

Just pure muscle.

I know you vegetarians get worked up about the gristle.

It's actually the whole idea of the meat that gets to it.

Oh, would you have been miserable at Jessica's party?

One tray of exotic food after another.

And pretension?

We know you studied cooking in Paris. You can stop showing off now.

It doesn't sound, you know, terrible.

You won't believe the invitation.

Raised script, perfume tissue paper, a watercolor map to her house. It just

doesn't stop.

You and I are different. We have simple tastes.

Mmm. What do you call this lettuce?

Iceberg.

Delicious.

Well, time for round two.

Excuse me.

455 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858

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-4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858

-4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858

-4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858

-4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858 -4858

-4858

-4858 -4858 I'm just going to go,

okay? All right, but call me 555 -5854.

Can you believe Kip's going to trade me the letters for this thing?

Adam, it's your armoire. You could help a little.

I have a bad back.

4858 -4858 -4858 -4858.

It's as if she's trying to tell us something.

4 -8 -5 -8, 4 -8 -5 -8, 4 -8 -5 -8. If only we could crack her mysterious cone.

It's ringing.

4 -8 -5 -8, 4 -8 -5 -8. What am I doing?

Jessica, hi.

It's Ellen, Audrey's friend.

What? You're having a party?

Really? Me? Nothing? I'm just sitting around, relaxing.

Paige? Sure, I'll invite her. Are you sure we're not imposing?

Okay. All right. Let me just write down your address.

Okay, what is it?

5458 Keough Drive.

Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye.

5458, 5458, 5458, 5458, 5458, 5458.

There's no question that Renoir's rules of the game revolutionized the French

cinema and paved the way for Godard, Truffaut, Brunet, and, in fact, the

new wave.

Did you see Home Alone? I thought that was so funny.

That was Carly Culkin. He's a little whippersnapper.

I know. It's great. I actually had a five -minute conversation with Nicholas

Cage.

Hey, you guys.

Have you tried these?

They're really good, don't you think?

Flavor.

Don't tell me.

Cilantro, right?

Excellent. You have good taste buds. It's fairly subtle.

I was going to say cilantro.

I was like, cilantro!

I almost said it. I yelled it out.

Because my taste buds, too, were right on it just as well. And I just didn't

have my hand on the buzzer, I guess.

It's a bean and herb puree called bouleville deca. I learned how to make

I lived in Cairo.

Hey, Quentin.

Quentin, Karen Tootie.

It's really great of you to invite us at such short notice. I am thrilled you

both dropped by.

We should have lunch sometime.

We could get together. How about Tuesday? We could meet at the bookstore.

I'm in. Sounds great.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I suppose I should mingle. Okay. All right, see you.

Oh, she's... Yeah, she's great.

See, and the thing is, now we've become friends with her independent of Audrey,

and the best part is I am guilt -free.

You still don't get guilt.

Feeling better, Ellen?

Now I get it.

So, Audrey, excited about heading up to the mountains this weekend?

Yeah, me too. Another 48 hours for me to say I'm sorry.

Have I told you I'm sorry?

Because I am.

Sorry.

Sure, bring Scrabble along.

I've already got my first word.

Sorry.

Okay, I'll pick you up in about ten minutes.

Okay. Bye -bye.

Join me in a cappuccino, boss?

No, thanks. I thought you were off coffee.

Hmm? Oh.

They were wrong about the ulcer. Turns out I have a pancreatic cyst.

My God, Joe, is it serious?

Do I look like a doctor?

All I know is it's completely unaffected by coffee consumption.

Cheers.

Well, I got the famed Lincoln Green letters.

They're worthless.

They're all letters from my great -great -great -uncle. There's not a single

response from Lincoln.

Dear Mr.

President, dreadful news from Bull Run.

Trust you found time to address the matter of my neighbor's wandering pig.

263 letters about some feud with his neighbor.

Dear Abe, four score and seven letters ago, I first alerted you to the problem

of my neighbor's incontinent pig. It's going to get worse.

Dear bearded freak, I know where you live.

Adam, I'm really sorry to hear about that, but I've got to get going. I'm

heading to the mountains for the weekend.

I'll see you on Monday. Bye -bye.

You know, I can't believe Kip, my own flesh and blood, conning me like this.

I've got to unload these.

I've got to find somebody stupider than me.

Grandma.

Hey, you guys.

Where's Ellen?

You just missed her.

It's too bad. This great thing came up for the weekend and I wanted to bring

Ellen along.

I think she had plans anyway, yeah.

I thought when you said we're going to the mountains that you would rent a

cabin.

Oh, I hate cabins.

Fireplaces, that smell of burning wood.

A tent is much cozier.

True.

It's a little bit cold.

Would you rub my feet again?

Oh, Audrey, I don't know. They've been hurting ever since I ran home crying

Jessica's party.

So what's Paige up to this weekend? How come she didn't come?

I don't know. I guess she's busy.

Thank you so much for inviting me at the last minute. Oh, my pleasure.

How's the pate? Not too dry?

Lovely.

Oh, three o 'clock.

A lioness stalking a herd of gazelles, see, by the wildebeest migration.

Breathtaking. More champagne?

Of course.

So what's Paige up to this weekend? How come she didn't come?

So what's Paige up to this weekend? How come she didn't come?

I don't know.

Can you see her?

All right, all right, all right.

So

what's Paige

up to this weekend? How come she didn't come?

I don't know. I guess she's busy.

Don't look at me.

I'll look at her and she's just in there.