Original subtitles

Hey!

Hey!

Would your sister like more coffee, Ellen?

This is not my sister.

You're kidding. I didn't know you had a daughter.

Joe, this is my mother. No way.

Shouldn't you be in school, young lady?

Are you seeing anyone these days?

No one special.

Whatever happened to that Chris fellow?

That was three years ago.

I liked him. I know you did. We broke up.

Oh. He moved to Chicago. Married someone named Sandy.

Are they getting along?

I think it's time to give up on Chris, Mom.

I just worry about you. Well, you don't have to. Well, Ellen, you're not

immortal. You're going to lose your looks just like everyone else.

Already there are signs.

Signs? What signs?

Your hips are widening.

They are not. Oh, you're coming to that age. I remember when it started with me.

I exercise every day. Oh, well, so did I. And I ate like a bird, but they kept

right on widening.

Slow but sure.

Like glaciers. Mom!

I just want you to be happy.

You know, it's possible to be happy without a man.

Must you joke about everything?

Oh! Oh! Guess who I ran into yesterday?

Wanda Henderson.

Wanda Henderson? From New Orleans?

Uh -huh. What's she doing in L .A.? Well, she and her husband moved into our

complex. And their son Doug came by. You remember him? Oh, yeah.

Now, why do you say it like that? He was a very nice boy.

Weird Doug?

Mom, you know how in school there's always that one kid who eats bugs and

to himself and all the other kids try to avoid? Yes. Okay, well, that kid

thought Doug was a freak.

I gave him your number.

You what?

You had no right. Why would you do this to me again?

Whenever you fix me up in these blind days, they never work out. Well, you had

very nice time with that Mitch Verdugo.

He stole from me.

You had no proof.

Hey, Santa brought trash this year.

It's not trash. It's recycling.

Smells like trash.

My recycling program is not exactly going as planned. The neighbors seem to

think it means dumping their empties on our doorstep.

Wow. Somebody sure can't put away the scotch. Yeah.

That's Jeff and 3B.

How can somebody drink that much and still hold down a job?

That's no big deal. These days, those big planes pretty much fly themselves.

Oh, my God.

Cosmopolitan Magazine wants to print one of my pictures.

You're kidding. That's great, Adam. I entered a contest they held for photos

depicting the women of L .A. Let's see.

Our editors consider you one of the finest up -and -coming female

Uh -oh. You entered a contest for women photographers?

Well, I thought it was for pictures of women, not by women.

It's an honest mistake.

Come on. You didn't even print your full name, A. Green.

Very clever.

It's how I'm known professionally.

By who?

A imaginary friend?

No, it's fine. Make fun.

You know, my first shot at national exposure dashed. That is amusing.

I'm sorry, Adam. You're just going to have to withdraw.

Maybe not.

After all, all they know is my first initial.

I could say my name is Annabelle.

No, you couldn't. Why not? I took a good picture.

Why should I, once again, be discriminated against just because I'm a

Because then you would be a lying, self -serving lowlife. I will not let you do

it. It's a picture of you.

I'm going to be in Cosmo?

Maybe not.

After all, I don't want to be a lying, self -serving lowlife.

Did I call you that? No, I meant scamp.

Don't get that. That could be Doug. My mother said he may call today. So I'm

allowed to answer my phone again, ever?

Just let the machine pick it up.

Great.

They hung up. You know, this could be one of the most important calls of my

life. This could have been a job. It could have been the president. It could

have been a woman.

Well, okay, but it could have been the president.

Hey. Hey, Paige.

I see Jeff's still putting away the scotch, huh?

How does he keep a job?

It's no big deal. These days, those big planes practically fly themselves.

That's my joke.

Oh, Ellen, I'm going to the opening of a new club tonight, and I want to borrow

your bomber jacket.

No, you would lose it.

Well, that is not true.

Why don't you wear that new suede jacket you just bought?

It's temporarily missing.

So did Doug call? No.

He's probably still trying to figure out where he's going to stash my body.

Just because he was a weird kid doesn't mean he's weird now.

Oh, yeah, Paige. I mean, a childhood of wedgies, arson, and bug eating almost

always leads to a normal adulthood.

Yeah, I don't know why parents think they're such good matchmakers anyway.

They were so good at it.

How come they spent their entire lives trapped in a loveless marriage,

at each other night after night, and then trying to blot out the pain with

alcohol?

Something you want to share with us, Paige?

No.

If you don't answer that, I will.

Maybe it's just an obscene caller.

My luck is nowhere near that good.

Hello? Hi, Doug.

Yeah, it's me. I had a frog in my throat.

That's just an expression.

So this is where he's taking you, huh?

Swanky. Yeah.

And me without my pearls.

So, you know the drill.

Right, just come back and bail you out. Just tell me when.

Well, it's 7 o 'clock now, and I should spend some time with a guy, so let's say

7 .05?

7 .30.

Okay? Right.

Break a leg.

Thanks.

I was, uh, the traffic was just, you know.

That's all right.

Nice place.

Look.

What are these?

Pictures of me.

They certainly are.

Ellen?

Doug? Hi.

Hi.

Who's your friend?

Oh, he's not my friend.

I'm just with him. I mean, I'm not with him. I just met him. I thought it was

you. You thought this was me?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Big mistake.

Clearly not you. So, hey, actually, I think I'm going to go wash up.

I think that my worst blind date ever would have to be the Ruski guy.

I have no idea what that means.

Ellen, would you like another glass of wine or Ruski?

I believe I will have the steak -a -rooski.

Maybe after dinner we could take a stroll -a -rooski.

I wanted to push him in front of a bus -a -rooski.

Boy, you are so different than that fifth grader I remember.

People change.

They sure do.

Never thought I'd hear myself say this, but score one for Mom.

I just remembered the worst blind date of all. Yeah.

I went out with this woman who actually arranged to have her friend call the

restaurant in the middle of dinner.

And say her house was on fire.

Isn't that rude?

Rude? Yeah.

Rude or rusky?

I can't top that.

In fact, let's leave.

Ellen, thank God I found you.

Oh, God.

Sorry to interrupt. How are you?

You've got to come with me.

Yeah, well, whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait. No, it can't. This is an

emergency. Adam fell off the roof.

Come on, Ellen, we've got to get to the hospital. If you need to go... No, no,

wait a minute.

Now, Paige, are you sure that Adam fell off the roof?

Because maybe he didn't.

And if he didn't fall off the roof, then maybe I wouldn't have to go to the

hospital with you, and then I could just stay here and enjoy my date with Doug.

You're right.

didn't fall off the roof.

He fell off the couch onto some pillows.

He's fine. Okay.

I just thought you should know. Okay.

Bye -bye. Okay, bye.

That's Paige. She is so funny.

Wait till you hear. She, um...

this inside joke, and she's always trying to get me to go to the hospital.

And I try to get her to go to the airport.

And she's winning right now. She's up three to one.

But this weekend, I am going to get her, because I've got a plan, and it's good.

Remember when I said I was over losing things?

I was wrong.

You lost my jacket.

Yes. Oh, Paige.

But it gets worse.

See, your jacket was in the trunk of my boss's BMW, which I took to be detailed,

and then when I went back to the place for it, it had been stolen. I lost a

Ellen. I lost a $50 ,000 car.

That may be a personal best.

Did you tell your boss about it? Yeah, you know, that was the amazing part

it. He didn't care. He seemed downright pleased with me.

Hmm. You know, if you could find a way to somehow misplace his house, you could

possibly be looking at a promotion.

Hey, what happened last night? You didn't want the bailout.

Couldn't you see? I mean, he wasn't weird. He was nice, and he was funny,

was sweet, and I had a great time.

So he didn't need a single bug all night, huh? No, he's been off bugs for

years now.

You gonna see him again?

I certainly am.

I mean, this is the first time in my life I have been looking forward to a

follow -up call from a blind date.

Incredible. Yeah.

It's only been four days.

He still might call.

No, Paige, it's time to face the facts. When something is this obvious, you just

have to accept it.

Clearly, Doug has been kidnapped and cannot get to a phone.

Alan, maybe Doug's just out of town.

No, no. I swung by his place last night. He looked pretty in town through the

binoculars.

Shame on you.

Look, I'm not taking this well, all right? Every blind date calls except for

one that you want to call.

Alan, I've been thinking it over. I really need you to do this. Forget it.

What's the big deal? When Cosmo calls, all you have to do is pose as me.

Annabelle? Whatever.

Please? No. It's dishonest, and I won't be a party to it.

Okay, I understand.

You're a woman of principles, and I respect that.

What about you, Paige?

Okay. Great!

Okay, they're going to call any minute, so let's practice. Now, why is my work

so rooted in my womanhood?

Because you're a woman? No.

No, it's because I meditate on my feelings and moods until, in a rush of

inspiration, an image comes to me from my womb. Then, through photography, I

give birth to it, clutch it to my bosom, and suckle it.

Say that.

Without laughing?

So, what's the deal? Did you talk to Mrs. Anderson?

Yes, I certainly did.

Well, what's wrong? I mean, why didn't Doug call me back? I thought we had a

nice time.

Well, that's not what I heard.

Doug told his mother that you seemed, uh, weird.

Weird? Yeah, yeah, that he found you sitting with some vagrant buying

pornographic pictures.

What? I wasn't buying pornographic pictures. I was just looking at them.

And then apparently some crazy friend of yours came in and started blabbering

about falling off the roof.

Oh, man, this is ridiculous. I have to straighten this whole thing out with

Doug. Oh, I hope so.

Because I think you should know that Wanda Henderson spoke to some of the

at the complex and now they're all calling you Weird Ellen.

Do we have to eat here again?

We do if I ever want to see Doug again. He comes here a lot.

Why, does he have a cholesterol deficiency?

Says the place has character.

Listen, if Doug does come here, what are you going to say? He thinks you're

weird. That's exactly the point. I have been wrongly accused of weirdness. I've

got to clear my name.

I'm like the weird fugitive.

Oh, speaking of weird, turns out my boss arranged to have his car stolen because

he couldn't get out of his lease.

You're kidding. He used you to commit fraud?

I could be implicated in this whole thing. I need your advice.

All right.

When you get to prison, don't just join the first gang.

You want to be choosy. Oh, God, here he is. Doug? Yes, go. Shoes. Scat, we'll

talk at home. All right, go.

Doug!

What a complete and total coincidence.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, so I stopped in for a quick greasy bite. You

want to sit down?

Actually, I'm with some friends.

Okay, well, it was good seeing you. Yeah, you too.

Wait, Doug, can I ask you a question? It's kind of a weird question, but the

other night, did you think I was weird?

No. Oh, come on. You can be honest with me. I mean, we're grown -ups.

Your mom told my mom that you said that I was weird.

Well, there was that thing with the guy with the pictures, and then your friend

who fell off the roof or the couch or...

Whatever. You have to admit, it did start to get a little strange.

Oh, yeah. I had my friend Paige come here to bail me out. But, I mean, a

woman goes on a blind date at a downtown diner. She's got to take precautions.

If I would have known how nice you were, I wouldn't have bothered.

But, I mean, I ask you, does that sound weird?

I guess not.

And then to further convince you how very, very not weird I am, how about

another date?

Yeah, I'd like that. Okay. How's dinner tomorrow?

That's great.

Is that what you're wearing on your date? Yeah. Yeah, Doug's taking me to

new landfill that opened up downtown.

He won't be here for an hour. You want a beer?

No, thanks.

Great news.

The police found my boss's BMW, and I am driving it to the insurance adjuster

right now.

Oh, yeah.

No, the great news is that your jacket was still in it when they found it. Oh,

that is great. Where is it?

Now? Yeah.

Well, officially, I think it's still considered evidence.

Evidence?

Yeah, you know, they found something in one of the pockets with your name on it,

and the police want to talk to you.

So I'm a suspect?

No, no, no, no.

Yes.

Paige? Ellen, it's nothing. Come on, all you have to do is you have to tell the

truth because you lent me the jacket, and there's nothing linking you to the

at all.

All right, as long as I only have to tell the truth.

All right. Is Adam still here? I was supposed to meet him an hour ago. Poses

this Annabelle creature again, this time in person. I haven't seen him.

But I have to jump in the shower because Doug's taking me tonight to patina.

Ooh, fancy.

Well, I recommend the Chateauneuf -du -Pape. Oh.

Gesundheit.

Paige, your keys.

Paige. Hey, Doug.

Ellen. You're early. I'm sorry. I should have called. But I got tickets to the

Laker game. If we hurry, we can just make it.

Sure. I love football. Come on in. I'm not drunk.

Sorry.

Those are my bottles.

Not my bottles. They're... I don't drink.

Much.

These are... People give them to me.

Not as a gift or anything. Here.

Thanks. You know.

It's recycling. I'm nutty for recycling. Not nutty. Normal for recycling.

Adam? Don't start with me, Ellen. I'm in a mood.

Do I look like a woman to you?

Sure. I think so, too. But not Cosmopolitan Magazine.

No, they think I'm some kind of sexist freak.

Doug, this is my roommate Adam. Adam, Doug.

How's it going?

Good.

You know, maybe tonight's a bad night. Why don't you and your pal there take

these kids? No, no, no, no. I know how strange all this must look, but it

can all be explained, and it's really an amusing story.

Please open up.

Wait till you hear this one. Excuse me.

Hello, officers. Can I help you with something? Are you Ellen Morgan? Yes, I

We'd like to question you in connection to a stolen BMW.

A stolen BMW? Well, I'm sure I know nothing about that. Just the same. Can

come in?

Whatever. Look, Doug, this may take a few minutes.

Ma 'am, what do you know about these BMW keys?

I'm afraid we're going to have to bring you in for questioning.

Excuse me, Alan.

Where do you keep your cold cream?

I'm out of here.

Wait, wait.

They'll just grill me for a few hours and we can still make the second half. I

am never letting my mom set me up again.

Wait, Doug, this can all be explained. Please come back.

I'm not weird.

I'm not weird.

Tell your mom I'm not weird.

Call me.

So then, when I got finished at the police station, I had to go back to the

coffee shop and explain everything again.

It'd be kind of a bumpy road getting here, but now that we're together, it's

been worth it.

That's the thing about Doug. He's just so generous and forgiving. It seems like

no matter what I do, he understands.

But you know what? Doug's a talented architect, too. Come on, Ellen. Your mom

doesn't want to hear about that. Yes, she does. She wants to hear everything.

All right. Let me run to the bathroom. We'll finish this over lunch. My treat.