Original subtitles

I think I'm getting it.

I'm getting it.

Oh, I lost it.

Oh, it's coming?

I got it?

I got it?

It's an elephant!

with mighty tusks.

Those books again. I hate those things.

You're just mad because you can't do it.

I just don't see the point. I mean, if I want to look at a picture of a bunny,

I'll look at a picture of a bunny. I don't need to go cross -eyed and get a

headache doing it.

I love the bunny.

He's nibbling a carrot.

So Adam and I are going to the movies. You want to go?

No. I'm pretty tired. I'm going to stay in.

Okay. See ya.

All right.

Tonight's the night.

Come on, Mr. Bunny.

It's wabbit season.

I just found it really erotic.

Really, really erotic.

Very erotic.

George Orwell's animal farm?

Erotic.

Bob, can I ask you kind of a personal question?

Shoot. Where do you do most of your reading for this group?

At home, late at night, alone in bed.

I see.

Well, that's all the time. Thanks again for another great group. Thanks.

Oh, thanks, Ellen. Thank you very much. My pleasure.

Bye -bye. Good night. Bye -bye.

Oh, great group, Ellen. Thank you, Mr. Phillips.

Good night. Bye.

Night. That was fun.

Oh, great. Hey, remember next week is The Great Gatsby.

Oh, yes!

Oh, boy, you see?

That's what's great about owning a bookstore. I get to have my own reading

and bring book lovers together.

It's so rewarding.

I feel like we've really bonded as a group.

Hmm, yeah.

What's that?

What? That.

This? Yeah.

Nothing.

Why are you hiding it?

I'm not hiding, Ellen.

If I were hiding this, I would do a much better job than this.

Trust me, I can hide.

Then let me see it. No. Why not? It's personal.

You found it on the ground.

Finders keepers.

I find Ellen insufferable, don't you?

Losers weepers.

Ellen, it's just a meaningless note.

I mean, actually, it's not even a note. It's a piece of a note. See, it's torn.

You don't know where he was going with this.

Yes, Paige, I'm sure this is just the opening sentence of a long, glowing

on my finer qualities.

You know, beauty, brains, insufferability.

I bet it doesn't even say insufferable. You probably just can't read the

handwriting.

Wow, that is some fine penmanship.

I just don't get it. Why doesn't this person like me?

Who cares?

This is just like camp. You were always insisting that everyone like you, even

Sylvia Byrne.

Oh, she was a tough nut to crack.

Ellen, everyone hated Sylvia, even the counselors.

No, only the ones she tried to poison.

Ellen, I think you're placing entirely too much emphasis on being liked. You

know, if I had a dollar for every time I found a note that said someone didn't

like me, or if I overheard it in gym class, or if the band spelled it out in

half,

Look, yeah, I admit that sometimes I worry too much about people liking me,

this is different. This is my reading group.

I mean, these people have been a big part of my life for almost three weeks

Hello?

Oh, I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number.

Oh, that's okay. I'm always happy to make time for a stranger.

Mellifluous, huh?

Well... I can't take all the credit. My parents are both quite mellifluous, and

if I say so myself... Could you hold on for just one second?

I'm going to take this in the other room.

Adam, it's a wrong number.

Hey, it's a woman, and she's not hanging up. Let's not quibble.

So I've got to find out who wrote this note.

Why don't you just ask pointed questions until you figure it out?

Like? Like?

Show of hands, who doesn't like me?

Or you could assign an essay and get samples of everyone's handwriting.

I can't give these people homework. This is not a class. This is a fun reading

group.

Fun reading group.

I don't get reading.

You don't get how to do it?

No, no.

I'm just... I'm not a book person. I am a movie person.

Paige, practically every movie you see is based on a book.

Exactly. It's as if it's evolved into its highest form.

Well, on that note, how about joining the group?

No. Oh, come on. Just for a while. Just until you find out who it is that

doesn't like me. I need someone on the inside. I need a mole.

You want me to spy on your class? No, not spy. I just want you to come to the

group and get to know everybody, earn their trust, get them to confide in you,

and then betray them to me.

All right, I'll spy.

But I am not going to read. I don't care.

I, ladies and ladies, have a date.

You got a date out of that? Believe me, I don't know how it happened. I'm just

very good on the phone.

I'm funnier, smarter, taller.

Adam, do you even know who this person is?

Yeah, she said her name's Marion, and she sounded very sweet.

Yes, but you know nothing about her. You don't even know what she looks like.

She described herself as attractive.

Really? And how did you describe yourself?

Attractive.

Oh, God.

Well, I guess we can get started now that everybody's... Where's Ted?

That's strange, isn't it? I mean, he's come to every one before, and suddenly

he's not here.

I think if he was having such an awful time that he would...

at least be able to admit it to me instead of acting like it's some type of

medieval torture.

Oh, here he is. Oh, hey, Ted's here. Hi.

Sorry I'm late. Oh, come on. What, you know, late, early, you come whenever you

want.

Well, before we get started, today I'd like to introduce to you a new member.

And Miss, oh, I'm sorry, I forgot your name terribly.

I just met her just briefly, just five minutes ago.

And I don't remember it, because she just said it quickly, and I didn't...

sorry, what is your name?

Paige. Paige Clark.

Well, welcome, Paige. It's nice to have you here.

Well, it's nice to be here.

Helen. Oh, she doesn't know me. Ellen is my name.

Well, is there anything that you'd like to share with the group, seeing that

this is your first time here and no one has ever met you before, ever?

Oh, well, what can I say?

I'm a book person.

I just hope that I can get really, really close to each and every one of

form some lasting friendships.

And feel free to confide in me about anything or anyone.

So, I came to a party here once, but it was just so crowded and noisy that I

didn't stay long.

Left early.

Same thing as not staying long, so there's no real need to repeat that.

We're afraid, isn't it?

Listen, did you have a top -tense kind of a day?

No, no.

No, I relaxed.

I had a relaxing kind of day.

Yeah.

Got a lot going on today.

It's just that you're so different on the phone.

Different?

Really?

Oh. It's, um... It's interesting.

But, um...

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about at all.

Thanks.

Bye -bye. Oh, thanks, Ellen.

Oh, thank you. I like you.

Really, the cookies, the gift bags, shoulder massages. Oh, well.

Just trying to make this experience as positive as possible. I just want

everyone to like it. Like it, like it, like it.

Bye.

Hey, remember next week?

S'mores.

Oh, well, how do you like me now, huh?

Boy, this sounded like it was going to be boring.

But I had no idea. Oh, come on, Paige.

Come on, tonight was a great night. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if several

of those people follow me home. I may have been insufferable before, but

everybody's got to like me now.

I don't think so.

What, you have a lead?

It's Phil.

That's your hunch. You think it's Phil?

No, it is Phil. He told me.

He told you? Yeah.

He just came right out and told you? Just came right up and told me

unsolicited. He said he didn't like you. He went on and on. This guy really

doesn't like you.

Phil?

Phil.

What did I ever do to him? I mean, of all people, which one is Phil?

I don't understand what the problem is.

Paige said everyone else in the group loves you.

Didn't Mr. Phillips put you into his will?

Oh, yeah. Well, he's just doing that to spite his children.

Besides, that's not the point. I mean, these people are easy.

But Phil... Phil obviously sees inside my soul.

He knows.

He sees.

He sees the evil, Ellen, that no one ever sees.

Gotta make things right.

Gotta get back on track with Phil.

Gotta buy a mattress.

What? That's what he does. He sells mattresses. Maybe I'll drop by this

Oh, weekend.

Oh, loathsome conclusion to a week most foul.

Oh, wretched 48 hours of solitude.

Thinking about Marion, huh? Yep.

So cold.

Eh, she'd dump me.

She didn't dump you. You had one date.

Yeah, she dumped me. It was the worst dump of all, the implied dump.

I'll see you around, she said.

What is this, Mayberry?

We live in a city of 12 million people, and she's going to see me around.

So quit moping and call her. Yeah, that's a use. It was a disaster.

Yeah, put me face to face with even the most modestly attractive woman, and I'm

unable to form even the most rudimentary of sentences.

I'd become a stuttering, tongue -tied buffoon bereft of even a modicum of

-faire.

Well, thank you, Adam.

Can I help you?

Um, actually, uh, could Phil help me?

Phil, customer!

Ellen, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm looking for a bed, of course. I was just walking in the neighborhood,

and then pow!

Well, what a great idea to put a mattress in the window. That just sucked

right in.

So, what kind of mattress are you looking for?

Well, why don't you tell me what you got?

Well, our best mattress is the Serestalant.

Oh, boy. I love his work. He's a terrific rapper, you know.

Baby got in bed.

That's it.

This is nice.

It's soft but not mushy and bouncy but not springy.

Just the right amount of lumps.

Those aren't lumps.

Those are individually wrapped coils.

It's a revolutionary new technology that's taken the mattress world by

Wow.

Well, now it's taken me by storm.

Whoa.

The best thing about it is another person in the bed will not disturb the

individual coil equilibrium.

Hold on, Dr. Sleepenstein.

I don't think any mattress can do that. I demand a demonstration.

Come on.

Hop on.

Did someone just drop a feather in the bed?

Phil, I feel nothing.

So this is how you'd sleep on it?

Well, no.

It's better on your side. It's easier on the spine.

I did not know that.

Oh, it's great to sleep with a pro.

Come on, Phil.

Spoon me.

This is nice laying here like this, isn't it?

Just the two of us. Gives us a chance to be so open with each other.

For instance, uh... I know about the note.

What note is that?

Come on, Phil. Cut the pillow talk.

I know you don't like me. Why don't you like me?

I'd rather not say.

You can't ignore the problem. It won't go away in the morning.

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, something's come between us.

It's another reading group, isn't it?

No, no.

This is the best reading group. I've never been happier with a reading group

my life.

Well, what is it, then? You know what it is.

Think back.

You made fun of me.

When we were reading Middlemarch, you made that crack about Cossabon's

how it symbolized his barren, pointless life. You went on and on about it. You

even brought it up again the next week. You were so proud of yourself.

You were insufferable.

Why would a comment about somebody's baldness...

Oh, I'm so

sorry. I'm so... I didn't know.

Please. No, really.

No, I'm so bad about those things. Burt Reynolds, huge surprise.

William Shatner, had no idea.

Mary Hart, who knew?

So you really didn't know, huh?

No. And I'm so sorry if I offended you. Oh, no, no, no. It's me who should be

sorry. I guess I was a little oversensitive.

And you're not insufferable.

In fact, you're... You're quite sufferable.

You're not going to kiss me, are you, Phil?

Oh,

Marion, that is so nice to hear.

I feel the same way about you.

Of course I'll hold for you.

Holding for you is almost as good as holding you.

So I guess things are back on track with you and Marion. Oh, yeah. I took your

advice, stopped worrying, and called her.

Things are really starting to heat up.

Really? Yeah, this is our third phone date this week.

Phone date?

Yeah, you know, in person I go to pieces, but on the phone I'm Cary Grant.

Last time we talked, I got to second base.

And tonight I think we go all the way.

Paige, what are you doing here?

Well, I read this week's book.

I kind of liked it and sort of wanted to talk about it.

Well, that's great.

Yeah, you know, it was really strange because I started reading it and then

suddenly I was transported to another place. Like I could see the movie in my

head.

Well, welcome to our little world, Paige.

So what did everybody think of Goodbye Columbus?

Oh, wonderful.

Loved it.

I thought that it was incredibly sweet and funny, and Neil reminded me so much

of Adam. Oh, yes, completely. But not Adam now. Adam in college.

Right, exactly.

Hey, I thought you two didn't know each other.

Oh, yeah, I guess.

Well, you know, I guess now that we like each other so much, we shouldn't have

any secrets.

Actually, Paige is one of my oldest friends, and I just asked her to join

group as a favor to me.

It's an odd favor.

Well, yeah, I just kind of wanted to find out what you guys thought of the

group, the books, me.

Like a spy.

You brought her in here to spy on us? No. What kind of a leading group is

Did you tell her what I said about her hair?

No, of course not.

What's wrong with my hair?

Goodbye, Ellen, if that's your real name. Oh, no, please, sit down, sit

No, this is nothing. I was just trying to find out why Phil didn't like me.

Probably because you're so sneaky and two -faced. No, no.

That's not it. I just didn't know he was wearing a toupee.

That's a tube?

I have no idea.

It's a rug?

Well, thanks a lot, Ellen.

Now everybody knows.

Are you happy now?

No, Phil, wait. Oh, Phil.

Phil, Phil. I'm out of here. Wait, Bob.

Wait.

You don't... And I thought you were so sweet. But, Sharon, I...

You're out of my will.

Ted.

Okay, probably best we knock off early tonight. That's a good idea.

Can you believe that?

It's unbelievable. I mean, that is incredible.

Sharon doesn't like my hair.

Where does she work?

Oh, it was incredible.

I was staring at it for hours and hours, and then, suddenly, Lady Liberty just

jumped out at me.

Well, good for you, Sharon. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.

I wept.

I was disappointed.

I wanted her robes to be more erotic.

What was your favorite part, Ellen?

Oh, well, you know, the whole picture was with the sun.

And the clouds.

I like that.

Clouds? What sun?

There's no sun in the clouds, Ellen.

Oh, is there something you'd like to share with us?

Nope. Nope.

Come on, Ellen.

We're all friends here.

My name is Ellen.

And I can't magic eye.