Original subtitles

Sorry that took so long.

Sorry I'm late. Yeah, Joe, I don't know if you've noticed this about coffee, but

people seem to like it in the morning.

But I got a good excuse.

I don't want to hear it. I'm riding to work this morning when this car I'm

following, it swerves to miss a cat, slams right into a telephone pole, and

catches fire.

I get off my bike, and I'm just able to pull the woman to safety before the

flames hit the gas tank. And she was so freaked out, there was no leaving until

the paramedics arrived.

Right, Joe. Look, it's bad enough you're late. Don't make it worse by lying

about some phony tragedy.

Oh, the paramedics, they just let me go.

I just had to thank you again. You saved my life.

It was nothing. Remember, commuter mugs kill.

Oh, I'm so ashamed. I feel like such scum.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about the whole... Excuse me while I go beat

Do you think she bought it? Oh, yeah.

No, ma 'am, please, no.

No reward necessary.

Thank you.

Drive safely.

She wanted to reward me.

For all my good works, you know, saving her life and everything. Ellen?

Ellen?

Adam.

Ellen, how do I look? In a minute. First, there's something important I

ask you. What's that?

How do I look?

You look great.

Now back to me. What do you think of the jacket?

It's nice.

Is it new?

I bought it just for tonight.

If I'm going to a movie premiere, I'm going to look good.

How good?

$400 good.

Oh, Adam, you can't afford that much good. I got it all figured out.

No sane man with my income would spend this much for a jacket. So the starlets

there will see the jacket, assume I'm rich, and talk to me.

Well, if there's a man dumb enough to come up with that plan, I'm sure there's

woman out there dumb enough to fall for it.

Well, hello.

So you excited tonight? I mean, Tom Hanks, movie premiere?

After a while, all the star -studded extravaganzas just kind of run together.

Oh, hardly worth the trip over from the planet of the horribly jaded.

How do you get to go to all these things anyway? I mean, you're just a

producer's assistant.

And I know how insignificant that must seem from the heady world of baby

photography.

I can only break into baby photography.

Man, those guys have it sweet.

Well, her boss couldn't make it, and so he gave us his tickets.

Right? We should go.

Paige? What? What's the matter? Nothing. Why? You change the subject and you do

that when there's something you want to avoid talking about.

That's silly.

Oh, look at that sunset. Paige?

Okay.

There's just a tiny little problem with the premiere tonight.

Which is?

We don't actually have tickets.

What? Well, Ted said that I could have his, and then he gave them to his sister

who just got out of the hospital.

The bitch!

Well, we can still go to the party afterwards. We just have to sneak in.

No way.

Listen, I've done it millions of times.

We just have to miss the movie, but we can see it when it comes out on Friday.

With the public?

No, these sorts of things make me very nervous. Now, I am not a sneaker into.

I'm always terrified that I'm going to get caught. Now, you guys go if you

but... I'm staying home.

And don't try to talk me into it either, because I am not going.

Okay. See ya.

Okay!

We're gonna get caught.

They can sense our unfabulousness.

This is taking forever.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Me too. Paige, get back here. Oh, relax.

You're not going to get up there before we're back.

UTA, party of 15.

Paige! Paige!

Paige!

Name?

Name?

Um, um... Fraud.

I don't have a fraud.

We have a Furwald. That's it, Furwald.

Yes, but it's pronounced fraud.

Um, the E, the W, and the L are silent.

And, um, and the A is pronounced, aw.

Fraud, see?

Perhaps you've heard of his father was in the insurance business.

So, they're frauds, too.

Look at all this free stuff. There's a T -shirt and perfume and a CD.

See, now, aren't you glad you came? You bet.

There's a shrimp treat. I'm going to do some pruning.

Hey, Adam.

How's that jacket working for you? It's great. Every woman in the place is

making eye contact with me.

You're just the man I'm looking for.

I just might be. I'll take two vodka tonics.

I'm not a waiter.

I'm Adam.

Oh.

It's not fair.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Adam, I can't speak for Paige, but I'll have a white wine.

Oh, my God, look.

Tom Hanks?

Barry Forrest. He's a really big development guy at Paramount. Oh, and me

without my autograph book.

I'm going to go pitch him some movie ideas.

You have movie ideas?

I'm a quick thinker.

Hi. Hi. I'm Bill. Hi, I'm Ellen.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. The woman at the door told me you were Daisy Fairwalt.

That's right, yes, I am. I'm Daisy, but Daisy is so formal.

I prefer to go by my nickname, Ellen.

So, how'd you like the movie?

The movie?

The one that we just saw? Well, what can you say?

It's Tom Hanks. You just want to hug him.

But he played a mass murderer.

Hug him and say, stop killing all those people.

Okay, how about this idea?

There's this waiter.

Played by Keanu Reeves. Hey.

Boy, you've always been one of our biggest contributors.

But that check you sent us last year, wow.

Well. You know, once you start drawing zeros, it's kind of hard to stop.

Well, I'm so glad you finally made it to one of our benefits.

Benefits? Doesn't it inspire you to realize that every one of these people

$500 to help feed the world's hungry?

Everyone? Of course.

Who's going to try to crash a charity function?

Boy, that would be sleazy.

Can you excuse me a sec, Bill?

Yes, I guess you could say I'm in the industry. Here, take these to the

dishwasher.

Adam, we're leaving.

But I don't get off until ten.

He likes my idea.

We have a meeting. That's great, Pages. It turns out this is a benefit for

charity. May I have your attention, please? Oh, great. The television.

It's going to show us a video of children whose mouths we're snatching

from. It's time to give away tonight's door prize. This deluxe... big screen

Now, if your gift bag has a star on the bottom, you're the winner.

Oh, my God, I won.

Miss Fairwell, no one can take that television with a clearer conscience

you. We have a winner.

This is amazing.

You can see the smudges on Connie Chung's lipstick.

You can see the bits of food between her teeth.

Doesn't that woman floss?

I never knew a human being could feel this much pleasure.

You're not still watching that thing, are you? Oh, yeah.

I used to think TV was bad.

Turns out, it just wasn't big enough.

The television mocks me. It's a monument to my selfishness and apathy.

What is that, lettuce?

Turn it off.

I can't.

You are not still upset about the other night, are you? I mean, things worked

out in the end. I got a meeting with the Paramount guy. You won a TV. And I made

$100 in tips.

It was a charity benefit. None of us was supposed to get anything.

I can't be in the same room with that thing. I'm giving it back.

Are you insane? I'll kill you first.

I mean, you know, if you hadn't won it, then some rich movie industry type would

have. That's not the point. Don't worry.

I'll never let the mean lady hurt you.

This whole experience has made me take a long, hard look at myself.

I do almost nothing for charity.

I mean, sure, I buy Girl Scout cookies. I use Paul Newman salad dressing.

Sometimes I put more change into parking meters than I need to.

How is that charity? I'm reaching, all right?

I've always thought of myself as a giving person, but what do I really

Nothing. I'm a horrible person. Ellen, take it easy. Sure, take. That's what

good at.

I'll take it so easy there won't be any easy left for anyone else.

If it's bothering you that much, why don't you just donate some time to

Yeah, I've thought about it.

There's always been some excuse.

I don't have time.

One person can't make a difference.

I'd miss Melrose Place.

Melrose Place?

Big!

Well, all that's ending now. I'm going to give something back. I'm going to

my fellow human beings. I can't believe it took me 32 years to start caring, but

now that I'm fired up, nothing can stop me. Hey, War Games is on. Really?

Hey, hey.

What made you decide to volunteer?

Oh, well, um, you know, everywhere you look.

People are polluting, killing each other, sneaking into benefits.

I decided to do some good in this world. So how can I help? Show me you're

hungry, I'll feed them. You're dirty, I'll bathe them. You're indigent, I'll

make them digent.

Actually, this office doesn't deal directly with the needy. We're more of a

resource center for the organization. You know, typing, filing, packing boxes.

Oh. Well, that's...

That's fine. I don't need to see the people I'm helping. I'm not in it for

glory.

Because of my filing, a hungry man will eat tonight.

Somehow.

Have you been outside?

I just love hail.

Peter, this is Ellen. She's a new volunteer.

Welcome, Ellen.

Hi. It always warms my heart to meet someone else who cares.

Oh, well, Peter, if you knew how much I cared, your heart would...

It gets so warm it'd cook right inside your chest.

Why don't you show Ellen how we make relief packages?

I'd love to, Gwyneth. This way.

What we do here is prepare boxes of food and medical supplies for disaster

victims in Central America.

Oh, what a neat idea.

I know how to make paper flowers. That'll brighten anybody's day.

We found that the sick and starving tend to prefer food.

You're the expert, Pete. What do we do?

You take a box from over here.

Put one item from each of these piles into it.

Then deal it with this tape.

And that's a completed package on this deck.

Unfortunately, it is a little monotonous. Yeah, monotonously

perhaps. Let me at him.

You can't keep staying up all night watching television. You're going to

yourself. It'll be worth it.

Boy, this charity work is so fulfilling.

I just had the most fulfilling night of my life.

Not as fulfilling as mine.

Adam, you've got to get on with your life. Get up. Do something. I'm going to

bed. Ellen?

Yes, Adam?

It's Mark and Mindy Monday.

Hey, stranger.

Hey, Paige. Sorry I had to cancel last night. They needed me again at the

charity. That's okay.

Great news.

Met with the Paramount guy, and he loved the Keanu Reeves waiter idea I came up

with. That's fantastic. What's the idea?

Keanu Reeves is a waiter.

I haven't really worked out the rest yet, but he wants a ten -page treatment

Friday. Yeah, well, it sounds like it'll write itself.

Actually, I was kind of hoping maybe that you would help me write it tonight.

Oh, sorry. I'm collaborating with the needy on a little screenplay called Save

the World.

Ellen, you have been volunteering every night for the past two weeks. Don't you

think you're overdoing it a little?

Yeah, yeah. You know, when it comes to feeding the hungry, you really want to

pace yourself.

I didn't mean that you should. You know what? You wouldn't make statements like

that if you came down there with me and experienced the joy firsthand.

Sounds fun.

But can you just take one night off and help me, please?

Paige, there are 250 ,000 homeless people on our streets who would love to

the night off.

Not if they had to spend it with you.

Call me when you lighten up, all right?

See you, Paige.

Joe, what's everybody's problem?

Well, life is essentially meaningless, yet death terrifies us.

Joe, do you do charity work?

No, no time.

Yeah, never time. Believe me, I'd love to be doing the kind of stuff you're

doing, but trouble is I'm so busy here during the week and too selfish to give

up my Sunday afternoons I spend entertaining the kids at the children's

hospital.

Children's hospital?

That counts as charity work.

It does?

I just thought it was fun.

Say, Saturday nights I go out drinking. Does that count, too?

again, are we? Oh, yeah. I just love coming here and helping people. The less

fortunate, hell, the more fortunate. Bring Bill Gates in here. I'll help him.

Well, tonight I want to try you out in the phone solicitation department.

What you do is you call people from this list, read to them from the script, and

try to get them to send us money.

A hundred dollars!

A hundred dollars!

Oh, hi, Ellen.

I just got a hundred dollar donation.

I heard.

Well, that sounds easy.

You'd be surprised.

People don't like to part with their money.

Oh, well, they haven't heard from Ellen Morgan yet. There'll be money pouring

from this phone. Have I mentioned how much I love being here?

Once or twice.

Hi, I'm calling from Helping Hand, and not...

I had a non -profit organization devoted to feeding... Hello? You still there?

You are? Good.

Okay, devoted to feeding the world's hungry.

Ellen. Anyway, we're hoping that you could support us.

I'm sitting at a desk kind of a thing.

I'm wearing like a t -shirt and a vest.

Oh my goodness, disgusting!

$200! $200!

Nobody likes a show -off, Peter.

Don't be discouraged, Ellen. This job is nearly impossible.

Oh, sir, that is too generous.

Hi, I'm calling from Helping Hand.

What... Hi, it's me again. Don't hang up.

I don't care if your dinner's getting cold. You know how many people are going

to bed tonight without dinner?

A whole bunch.

Ellen, it's best to stick to the script. Shut up, Peter. Yeah, well, some of us

do care. Some of us care so much that we give up our whole lives just to help

other people. And you know what really ticks us off?

Selfish morons like you.

What can I put you down for?

Five cents?

A penny?

Or is that too much of your hard -earned cash to spend on something other than

yourself? Helen!

Yeah, well, I wish you were starving. And then you know what it feels like,

selfish, apathetic little ostrich.

I was just reeling him in.

Helen, can I talk to you for a second?

I hope this isn't about that phone call.

That was a joke that he was just laughing and laughing.

It's not just that.

Ellen, I really appreciate that you care enough to come in here. But we're going

to have to let you go.

You're firing me?

But I'm a volunteer.

I know.

But we need the space you take up.

Well, can't you give me a second chance? I mean, I really love coming here.

You don't seem to. Well, I mean, I don't mean love like... Love, I love you,

let's get married. I mean love, hate.

I mean, you've heard of a love -hate relationship. That's what this is. I say

love when, in fact, I mean hate. I mean love in the insincere, dishonest, don't

-really -mean -it sense.

Maybe it's an American thing.

God, I hate it here. Does that make me a horrible person?

Yes, dear, it does.

person who just doesn't enjoy this type of charity work.

Well, I mean, this is drudgery. What kind of person in their right mind would

enjoy this?

Eight dollars!

Eight dollars!

So they didn't go for my Keanu Reeves waiter movie.

Oh, too complex, huh?

No, actually, they loved it. There were just too many other competing projects.

There was a Val Kilmer waiter movie.

There was a Charlie Sheen waiter movie.

Tom Cruise has two going.

Actually, in one, he's a sommelier, but it's the same basic story.

Well, you gotta feel awful. Ten seconds of hard work are right down the drain.

I gotta go. I gotta get to my charity work.

I thought you were giving that up.

Yeah, well, I found something new that I just might enjoy a little bit more.

Joe?

Have you ever done this before?

Actually, no.

But if anything goes wrong, we're already in a hospital.

Joe.

Goodbye, big fella.

I'll miss you.

I thought I'd prepared myself.

What a fool I was.

Come on, Adam.

You know the women's shelter needs it more than we do, and besides, we still

have our wonderful old TV.

Who are those tiny ant people?

So, can we go to dinner now?

Yeah, sure. Hey, Adam, you want to come eat with us?

Actually, I can't. I have to work.

Oh. You have a photo shoot?

Not exactly.