Original subtitles

Hi.

Hi. God, I've had the worst day.

My alarm didn't go off. Now I'm late for the most important job interview of my

life. Ah.

Is there a run in my stocking? No.

Oh, you have a thread on your dress right there. Oh, um, could you get it

me? Sure. Okay.

Thanks. Oh.

Did you get it okay? Yeah, I got it. I got it. Okay.

Good luck on the interview.

Thanks.

So, I figured, you know, I have next to no money in the bank, zero credit, $3

,000 left on a college loan. I know. What I should really do is buy a

Well, you always said that you were going to be your own boss someday.

And now I am.

I'm also my own employee.

You should see me suck up to myself.

It's hard, but I do.

How about another round of beers?

Sounds great. Yep.

Ew, someone is kissing Adam.

Seriously, you guys seem really great together.

Thank you.

Isn't there someone else you should be thanking?

Yes, Ellen.

Thanks.

Thanks again. For the millionth time, thank you for setting us up. Oh, please.

Come on.

I mean, your happiness is all the thanks that I need.

Hey, cutie.

Can I get you anything?

Oh, thanks. My girlfriend just went up to the bar.

Girlfriend? How come the good ones are always taken?

I believe that waitress was flirting with you.

Really?

No, she was. Seriously.

Actually, it's weird because I've noticed that lately you're...

Almost attractive.

Really?

Almost attractive?

Wow.

Well, Adam, the reason that you're more attractive lately is because you're

happier and more confident. The reason that you're happier and more confident

because you're dating Joanna. And the reason you're dating Joanna... Thank

Ellen. Stop!

Sorry to take so long. Thank you.

Did you miss me?

Terribly.

All right, rack them up, Paige. Seven more wins and we're even.

Ow!

What's wrong? Oh, nothing.

Oh, just a little, uh... Uh -oh.

That's a little huge, huge chip off my tooth.

Ellen, you've got to see a dentist.

Oh, I don't have a dentist.

Well, I'm going to set you up with mine because he's great.

Oh. And the added bonus is he's cute.

Cute? Who cares about cute?

I just want somebody to fix my tooth.

How cute.

Hi, Dave.

Just Dave, not Dr. Ellis.

No, no.

It fell off. I saw it earlier.

No, I never went in for doctor.

Too formal for me.

Well, I hope the actual study of dentistry wasn't too formal for you.

No, not to worry. I got my degree.

No, I'm not worried.

I mean, Paige told me what a great dentist you are and how very undentist

you are.

I'll take that as a compliment?

Whatever.

All right, let's have a look at that tooth, shall we?

That's a very nice smile.

Thank you.

But I'd like to see that chipped tooth, so let's open wide.

Oh, come on, really, really wide.

Helen,

do you floss?

Yes, I do, yes, religiously.

Christmas, Easter, Rosh Hashanah.

Well, you've got a little decay in there. Now, I'd like to do some x -rays,

then I'm going to have to clean it out and put on a crown.

Well... It'll probably take a couple of visits.

Oh, two visits. Aren't we rushing things a little? I mean, shouldn't we just

have that first visit and see how that goes and take it from there?

So, was that a cute dentist or was that a cute dentist?

Yeah, he is now my cutest health care provider.

So, are you going to ask him out?

No. Are you crazy? He had his hands in my mouth.

Well, at least you broke the ice. I mean, now it's easy. You can make a late

afternoon appointment and then afterwards maybe suggest going for a

right. Yeah, sure. I mean, my mouth will be numb.

Wine will be dribbling down my chin.

Yeah, that's a good look for me.

Listen, I have to go, but I am telling you, life is way too short.

Carpe dentist.

Seize the dentist.

Hey. Hi. Hi, how was the beach?

Okay. Oh, it was so great.

Listen, can I get some change for the meter?

Sorry, you'll have to buy something.

Really? Yeah. Okay, I'll take a couple of biscottis.

Okay, that'll be a dollar even.

Here, he does that all the time. Thanks.

I'll be right back.

Oh, Adam, tell her about Santa Barbara. Okay.

You going to Santa Barbara?

I'm not going anywhere.

Ellen, I'm going crazy. I can't take it another minute.

What? I'm completely stifled. If it's not, let's play pool. Let's go to the

beach. Let's go to Santa Barbara for the weekend.

Well, clearly the woman is a sadist.

I want to be free to pursue other options.

What options?

Before, Joanna, you spent your weekends sorting laundry.

Not anymore.

Like... This woman at my photo lab, in five years, she's never given me the

of day.

Until today.

What'd she say?

Well, she gave me the time.

But it was the way she said it, kind of like, I have the time for you, too bad

you don't have the time for me because you're stuck in a relationship.

Were you sure she wasn't saying, I have the time, but not enough time to call

the men with the big butterfly nets to haul you away?

Why are you doing this? You wouldn't understand.

It's a guy thing.

Adam's right.

It is, in fact, the most primal of guy things.

Our survival instinct dictates that we find as many mates as possible to ensure

the propagation of our genes. That's exactly it. I want to propagate my

Of course you do. We still possess the primitive instincts of our hunter

-gatherer ancestors.

It is virtually impossible to remain monogamous. So...

You think I should break up with Joanna?

Joanna? The one that was just here? Uh -huh. What are you, an idiot?

She's gorgeous.

Marry her.

Marry her now.

Well, you heard him. But I want to hunt and gather, you know?

Play the field.

You said yourself I'm more attractive lately.

Yeah, I said that's because of Joanna. Before her, you never got dates.

I admit, I've had a couple of dry spells.

Decades. They're called decades.

Adam, Joanna's a good friend of mine, and she's great for you. No, I want out.

The only way to deal with this problem is to face it head on.

Oh, God, here she comes. I'm going to have to figure out what to say.

Hey. Hey. Hey, where's Adam? Adam, uh, is, uh, the, um, bathroom.

This time.

Next time, who knows?

You know how flighty he is. Here one moment, gone the next.

Not exactly the most dependable.

Character, not exactly a sure thing.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, you remember when I set you up how I warned you about him.

Warned me? You said he was fun.

Oh, you... Okay, now wait. When I said... You didn't think that I meant

happy -go -lucky enjoys... Ah!

No! No!

I meant the acronym. F -U -N.

Flaky.

Unreliable.

No gooder.

What are you talking about?

Look, I just want to say that I just think you're a wonderful person.

I really mean it. I think you're great. And any sane guy would be thrilled to be

with you, and sane being the key word.

I'll let you two talk.

Joe, look what he's doing.

He is not breaking up with her.

In this world, he does not break up with her.

He would have to be the dumbest man alive.

Wow!

Your teeth look great. What are you wearing? Where is she going? I'm wearing

this. Hey, we're going to the dentist. I am going to the dentist.

Okay, lean back.

Open. Now, I like it.

So, you have a date with your dentist? No, I have an appointment with my

dentist. The last appointment of the day, which could easily lead to a date.

going to drop her off, and she'll need a ride home, and presumably Dr.

Dave has a car.

And you think this will work?

Of course not. But the point is, I am single.

I am not in a steady relationship, so I'm willing to try idiotic schemes like

this. If I were in a relationship, I wouldn't need to because I would be

And happy. And not stupid.

Stupid is your opinion. No, stupid is everyone's opinion. Listen, Adam, I have

got three words for you. Fear of intimacy.

Oh, please, I've got three words for you.

I don't know what they are right now, but you're wrong, Paige.

Wait, that's three. You're wrong, Paige.

I can be as intimate as the next guy, and I've got the feeling something great

is coming my way.

Yeah, I believe it's called Jeopardy. Enjoy.

Oh, um, I don't think this will be necessary, unless you're planning on

lobster.

Oh, it's just to protect your clothes. We think you'll be more comfortable in

it. Oh, really, I'd prefer not to wear it, though. Oh, I'd hate to spill on

a nice outfit.

Are you going out someplace special after the visit?

Oh, no. No, I'm not.

No, I just put this on because it's the only clean thing I had in my closet.

No, after the appointment, I've got no plans, nothing at all. I'm wide open.

Okay, Sarah's going to give you a little nitrous oxide.

We'd like you to take about ten deep breaths through your nose.

Oh, this stuff doesn't work on me. I tried it once at a Grateful Dead

It's okay. I was with my dentist.

Just keep breathing.

So are you from Los Angeles originally, Ellen?

No, no.

No, Louisiana.

Oh, sure. The French Quarter, jazz, Mardi Gras.

Things you see in New Orleans.

Well, born and raised.

Things you do with a child. Things you do with your mother. Things you do with

chicken.

Well, what do you know, Ellen? We're both from the old bayou.

Ah, the old bayou.

The old bayou.

Can I buy you a drink, Doc, today?

I think the night just may be starting to work.

Are you feeling relaxed, Ellen?

Why, I feel downright tingly.

And my daddy won't be home for hours.

Does little Tooth Fairy have to stay in here with us?

Okay, we're going to give you a little Novocaine. Numb up your mouth a little.

Why don't you numb it up with a long, hard kiss like a gentleman?

Are you guys playing eight ball?

Don't sink that white one.

So are you guys all models?

Let's take that table over there.

I'll tell your waitress that you moved.

Hey, you.

What's up?

Hey, not a lot. I'm flying solo tonight.

Broke up with my girlfriend.

Sorry, she seems so nice.

Pretty, too.

So what can I get you?

How about your phone number?

Oh, that's original. Never heard that one before.

Would you excuse me? I'm just going to share that little pearl with the other

waitresses.

Santa Barbara.

That sounds great, honey.

when I said seize the dentist?

Both hands.

I am so embarrassed.

And the worst part is I still have to go back for the crown.

I take it you never ended up actually asking him out then?

Well, I asked him to marry me. I suppose that counts.

Oh, well, look who's here.

The man of many options.

Aren't you going to introduce us to your date?

Hi. Hello. I'm Ellen.

And you must be... nobody.

But that's right. I've seen you with Adam many times before. You're perfect

him.

All right. I'm alone.

I'm so alone.

Struck out, huh?

I quit trying three hours ago.

I've just been driving around thinking about Joanna.

Oh, Joanna.

My one shot at happiness and I...

Brew it away.

Oh, but you have your freedom.

Freedom?

It's for losers.

I want the iron shackles of a relationship.

What happened to Mr. Hunter Gatherer? Oh, please, that was crap.

Look at me. Do I look like a hunter?

You do wear that awful orange poncho sometimes.

Oh, God, I want her back.

How can I get her back?

You can't. You treated her like dirt.

But I've grown.

I've changed.

Please, Ellen, can't you talk to her for me? She'll listen to you. Forget it.

Look at me.

Tonight I've been slapped in the face, had a drink thrown on me.

I've been laughed at half a dozen times. What does that say to you?

It's the weekend.

I'm sorry.

It's just that how do I know it's Joanna you want? Maybe you just don't want to

be alone.

No, that's not it. See, I understand now what I did wrong.

It was the grass is always greener.

When you're in a relationship, you want to be out, and when you're out, you want

to be in.

Okay, so I'll get you back in the relationship. You're just going to want

single again.

Uh -uh, not this time, because I will never forget how awful and pathetic I

right now.

And if I ever do forget, you'll be there to tell me what a jerk I am.

Can that be my job?

Helen, you've got to trust me on this, please.

I really miss her.

You better really mean it.

Hi, Dave. About last time, I want to explain. Ellen, please. I'm a dentist.

These sorts of things happen all the time.

Well, lucky you.

But I still want to explain. I mean, I admit I do find you attractive.

Yeah, Ellen, let's not go down that road again.

But I swear, it was the nitrous oxide talking. Well, if it makes you feel

to think that, fine.

Look, I just don't feel comfortable being your dentist anymore.

Well, who's going to fix my tooth?

Well, if it's all the same to you, my colleague, Dr. Garber, will take over.

is very capable.

I guess that's best.

I think so.

Yeah.

Hello, Ellen. I'm Dr.

Garber.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Yodel -ay -ee -hoo, made you wear those stupid hats.

We've just been to a beer tasting at this new brewery downtown. Well, it

my heart to see the happy couple back together again.

Too bad you had to work. They served this amazing bratwurst and sauerkraut.

there was a Bavarian folk band.

Ah, stop it. You're just making me jealous.

Only thing they didn't have?

Enough women's bathrooms.

You'll have to excuse me.

Sure.

My God, you've got to help me. I'm suffocating.

What? It's happening again. I think I want out.

Oh, no.

No, you don't. No, you're ecstatic. You're with Joanna, remember? You're

yourself with joy.

Well, I wish I was. I just don't know what I'm going to... Oh, my God, she

smiled at me.

Hunt, gather.

No, this is where I'm supposed to remind you how lonely and pathetic you were

the other night. I'm going to go to your office.

I've got to think about what I'm going to do.

Adam!

What happened, Adam?

Adam? Adam is a...

I am so

sorry to have to tell you this.

But I have to tell you this.

And it makes me so sorry.

But it has to be told, and I have to be the one to tell it.

And it makes me so sorry.

Just say it.

Adam is, uh, is gonna be fun again.

He's breaking up with me? I'm sorry. He's my best friend. Even I don't

understand what he's doing.

I do not believe this.

You told me he'd grown. You told me he'd changed.

He changed back.

So, you talked me into going back to him just so he could dump me again? No. I

don't know what kind of game you and Adam are playing, but I've had enough of

both of you.

Got your beer sign.

Ellen, I've just had the most profound revelation.

I was about to throw away my one chance at happiness in life.

Again!

What an ass I almost was.

But, uh... Please, Ellen, don't defend me.

You know me too well.

I was looking at myself in the mirror, and your words started ringing in my

ears. Lonely, pathetic, jerk.

Ellen... Thank you.

Joanna is the most wonderful, kind, beautiful woman I know. And who am I?

luckiest guy on earth. That's who.

Maybe not the luckiest.

Where is she?

Where is that woman I love?

Right here.

Thomas Wolfe or F. Dotson's Jerry?

Thomas Wolfe.

Or Conwood Angel?

Fitzgerald.

Gatsby.

Okay, okay.

Dostoevsky or Melville?

Dostoevsky.

Melville was a snooze.

Call me Ishmael. Call me bored.

Okay, I got one.

Favorite Bronte sister?

Emily. Definitely Emily.

Charlotte was a bimbo.

God, I hate those commercials.

What commercials?