Original subtitles

Boom. It's all set up.

Want me to show you how to use this thing?

Uh -uh. Looks pretty self -explanatory. Feet here, arms there, and I'm off.

Enjoy. Thanks.

quite a workout.

Hold it.

It appears you gentlemen are shoplifting and not very well, I might add.

Good morning, Ellen.

Susan, hi.

Oh, good. You already started. Okay. I need this whole area cleared out. The

tables and chairs will be delivered in an hour.

That's right. The whole area. One hour. Let's get cracking.

So, are we making some changes around here?

Yes. I've decided to take part of the bookstore and turn it into a coffee

I've hired someone who'll be in charge.

Oh. Well, guess you'll be getting rid of me then, huh?

You're not getting rid of me, are you?

Why would I do that?

I don't know. I mean, it's just that you made all these changes around here and

you didn't tell me.

Not that you have to tell me. You are the boss and I am the bossy.

It's going to be very exciting.

I've stolen away Joe Farrell from the Café London.

He's one of the city's best young brewmasters.

Room master.

I like that. Can I be the book master?

Ellen, you will be Joe's immediate superior.

I hope you're comfortable with that.

Are you kidding me?

Comfortable? I'm cozy.

Snuggled right up to that idea.

I will have a staff.

I will have people.

And I will be good to them.

Yes, well, whatever.

I'm bookmaster.

I'm so excited. I get to have my first employee.

I think it's going to be great.

What do I do?

I'll tell you what I try to do with my people.

What people? Well, person.

I thought he quit.

Well, actually, it was promoted. He's now my boss.

But with me, he's tough but fair.

Good, good.

Okay, if you're going to criticize someone, start out with a compliment.

Hey, that's a nice shirt you're wearing, but that's stupid advice.

Well done. Thanks.

What else?

Demand punctuality, hairnets around food, and don't take any guff.

Don't take any guff.

I'm not sure I know what guff is, but I won't take any.

No guff.

Not even a gufflet.

Hi, guys. Hi. Hello,

Steve. How are you doing?

We were just on our way out to dinner, and we thought we'd stop by.

It's our three -week anniversary.

We're at the time gone.

What is the traditional gift for three weeks of dating? Actually, I think it's

favor. You guys doing anything tomorrow night?

Oh, in fact, we are celebrating the 98th week anniversary of our being

roommates.

What are you getting me?

Well, you see, there's this really big fight tomorrow night. Of course.

Holyfield Bow 3.

Well, I don't have cable in where Steve lives. They don't have pay -per -view.

Oh, sure. Watch it here. That'd be great. Oh, very cool. I'm looking

this fight. Me too.

You? You're looking forward to boxing?

You have to leave the room when Siskel disagrees with Ebert.

Steve and I have watched some fights together, and I kind of like it.

You see, boxing is very primal, very animal, and many women find it erotic.

Oh, yeah, very erotic.

Especially when their eyes swell shut and blood is dribbling down their faces.

When they spit into the bucket.

Sometimes they even vomit.

Oh, catch me.

Got ya.

Man, Ellen, you really crack me up. I would love to sit next to you at a

match. Are you crazy? I wouldn't say these things at a boxing match. A fight

might break out.

I'm up for it. Ellen.

Spitting, vomiting, try and keep me away.

Oh, great.

Thank you so much.

This is terrific.

Okay, we'll see you guys tomorrow night. Bye -bye. Happy anniversary.

Bye -bye.

Please tell me you saw it this time.

What? He kissed me. He couldn't keep his hands off me.

I've been in bed with men who haven't touched me that much.

He's just the kind of guy he is.

Doesn't mean anything.

I mean, he's patted my behind a couple of times.

He's patted your rear end? Well, not like, oh my, that's soft and delightful.

Like, attaboy, nice tackle.

I'm telling you, he's clearly hitting on me. I've got to tell her.

Stay out of it.

What kind of best friend am I if I don't stick my nose in her personal life?

I've got to tell her. I just wish I had proof.

Well, if you need proof, get proof.

You know, get him alone.

See if he makes a move.

Maybe you lure him in a little bit.

Lure him in? Like what?

Um, Steve, I seem to have spilled some Chardonnay on my blouse. Could you help

me get it off?

Hi. How are you doing?

Not that you have to punch a clock around here. I'm not that kind of a

Even though I am the boss.

Yeah, Susan told me you're in charge, and that's good.

Because I'm going to need some things.

Some number four industrial -sized bleach -free filters.

Give me a growth.

I'm going to need some Demitasse cups.

Not this lead -tainted South American crap.

We'll have to have a lot more tables and chairs.

As soon as word gets out that I'm here, this place is going to be jumping.

Do we need all these books?

Well, the customers kind of like them.

Here's the good news.

I will start your morning off with a special cup of my brew, free of charge.

Now, this is the good stuff. Only one cup a day.

Don't let it get around.

Ooh, I don't like coffee.

What was that?

I don't drink coffee. It just tastes bitter.

Bitter. Well, not bitter angry.

But, you know, bitter yuck.

I know what you're going to say. Try putting sugar in it. How many times have

heard that in my life? I've tried that, and to me it still tastes like a big old

hot cup of moldy feet.

I see.

I like tea. Do you make tea?

Let's find out.

I can't believe we have to pay $49 .95 for this fight and wait in line for the

Discrambler box.

Hey, for this kind of money, they ought to come and fight in our living room,

right? You are right as rain, my friend.

You a fight fan?

Oh, yeah.

I love a good fight.

So primal, so animal.

Many women find it erotic.

So, uh, so who you like in this fight?

I like them both. They both seem like fine gentlemen.

Did you have money on the last fight?

Yeah.

A lot of money. I bet the house, in fact, and I won.

You bet the house on Holyfield?

Mm -hmm. How much did you win?

Well, I bet the house, though I won a house.

So now I have two. Two houses. I go back and forth every day. It's kind of a

pain, actually. That's why I'm betting them both on this fight. That way, if I

win, I'll have four houses. I can trade them in for a hotel.

Three, two, one.

Descramble. And we have picture.

Although it's a little distorted.

No, that's Don King. He always looks like that.

Here we go. This is the main event.

Hey, give me a nod when it becomes erotic, huh?

You are going to love this. Trust me.

Evander Holyfield looks ready.

Evander Holyfield. What kind of name is that?

No wonder he became a boxer. I bet he got teased a lot as a kid.

Evander the salamander.

Evander, go and take a gander.

Evander, stupid head.

even last 15 seconds. We didn't even have time to get properly aroused.

$49 .95. I want more entertainment.

Clear the ring. Get some dancers. Have that handsome Don Ting sing a song.

I am a lineman for the county.

Anybody hungry?

I could eat.

Chinese takeout?

Let's go.

You guys want to come?

Even if they shaved a poodle on stage. Do you know what I'm saying?

You know what? I think I'm actually going to stay behind and catch the post

-fight interviews.

You know, Ellen, maybe you'd like to stay behind and keep me company.

Um, sure.

Sure.

Okay, so, um, Holly and I'll just get the food, and you and Steve will just

hang out here.

Okay.

Cool.

Bye. Bye.

So we have a new heavyweight champion.

Let's hope his reign is just.

You know, I just wish the fight had lasted longer.

You really look like you were having a fun time.

Oh, well, I'm a fun fan.

I love fun.

You know why?

Why?

Because it's fun.

You know, I've been wanting to get to know you better for some time now.

What exactly do you have in mind?

Well, you know, I mean, we have a half an hour to ourselves, right?

Well, let's make the most of it.

Steve, I'm getting that I'm about to be kissed feeling.

You got my wallet.

What's going on?

I'm not sure. I mean, I thought I was trying to have a conversation with your

friend, and all of a sudden she makes a clumsy pass at me.

This is one of those misunderstandings that we are going to look back on and

laugh and laugh and laugh about.

You see, I was testing Steve to see if he was going to hit on me.

And since we're going to laugh someday anyway, why don't we just get it over

with now?

Honey,

I'm going to wait outside.

Why would you think Steve was hitting on you? Well, there was hugging. So?

He's affectionate. It was more than that. I mean, he's rubbed my shoulders.

But he said things. He wants to get to know me better. I mean, what did that

sound like?

Friendly conversation.

Sure, you can look at it that way. But, I mean, from where I stand, I mean, I'm

telling you, I'm way off base, aren't I?

Yeah, big time.

I'm so embarrassed.

You know what it was?

It was the boxing. I was just so turned on. Woo!

Ellen, I can't talk about this right now, okay? Let's just call it a night.

Okay. Okay. You kids go on now.

Okay. Call me.

I had fun. I love the boxing, and I love you.

Not like that.

You know, it's just the best anywhere, Joe.

Well, you want to wet your lips and let the smallest trickle of flavor ease down

your throat where the warmth and power will just explode inside you.

Thanks, Joe.

Thank you.

Idiots.

So, what's brewing?

A little coffee humor.

A brouhaha, if you will.

Just trying to get a little office camaraderie going here.

Well, there you go.

So you're building a stage there, are you?

Guess you'll have the occasional musician drop by, do a little jamming.

Actually, it's for poetry reading.

Ah, poetry.

Finally, Joe, you and I have something in common.

Forsooth, that such time passed before we discovered our mutual love of verse.

I hate poetry.

Did I say poetry?

I meant carpentry.

What you got there, two by fours?

Here's me.

Here's your point.

I can't find it.

We're not getting along here, are we?

I think I know what our problem is.

You do?

Yes. The reason we're not getting along is because of the incredible sexual

tension between us.

You know what that is, Joe?

That's guff.

I'm not taking any guff.

Not from you, not from anyone.

I don't like guff. I don't like coffee,

I don't like boxing. The bottom line is...

I am the manager and you make coffee. Understood?

Did that seem bossy? I don't want to sound bossy. No, it was good. Okay.

Helen.

Steve, what are you doing here?

Hi.

Is there someplace private we could talk?

Sure.

Look, I'm sorry. That was a terrible mistake.

Yes, tell me about it. Who knew Holly was going to be coming back in?

We ought to be a lot more careful next time.

What?

Well, you know, I've always been attracted to you.

But after last night, after I felt your desire for me, all I can think about is

touching you. Oh, hold it, hold it, hold it. Didn't you hear what I said to

Holly? I wasn't coming on to you.

Right. And I wasn't coming on to you either.

You're good.

You know, if we work together on this, we're never going to get caught.

Hi. Hi.

I know why I'm here. I know you called me over to apologize.

And I really appreciate it.

Steve came to the bookstore today, said he wants to touch me.

That's not much of an apology.

Okay, I'm really sorry Steve wants to touch me.

Ellen, I can't believe you're butting into my personal life again.

You're not my mother.

I know that. It's just that you're such a sweet girl and he's a bad, bad man.

I just don't want to see you get hurt.

Go to the bathroom now.

What? It's Steve. I kind of invited him over. Ellen, I think you have a serious

problem. Look, this is the last time I'm going to meddle in your life. Just go

wait in the bathroom and listen carefully.

You want me to go stand in the bathroom? Yes, just until your boyfriend touches

me and then we'll go out for pizza.

Hi,

Steve. Come on in.

I'm glad you called and asked me to come over.

You sounded very, uh...

Eager on the phone.

Yeah, I am. I'm eager to talk about what we talked about earlier this afternoon.

What a conversation that was, huh?

Let's relive it. I said, hello, Steve, and you said... What are you doing?

No, that's not what you said.

I seem to recall a little something like you wanting me.

Now, come on, repeat it to me, word for word.

What for?

For my...

Your journal.

Right. I like to keep an exact record of my life. You know, for my children.

Where exactly did you want to touch me?

Why don't we put this away for now?

Believe me, you're going to have plenty to write about later.

No.

Okay. This is going to be great. Let me just run to the bathroom real quick,

okay? Okay.

Your daddy's all over me. No, I couldn't hear a thing. Your toilet won't stop

running. Well, just jiggle the handle. I tried, but the problem's deeper. I

think it's the flotation arm.

Really? Yeah. No, you know, I think it's the flapper seal. It may... What are we

talking about?

Hey, it stopped.

Good. Okay, just pay attention.

Is your shower dripping?

Holly!

Focus!

Thank you. Holly!

Guess I should thank you. Ah, just buy me a nice gift on Mother's Day.

Holly, I feel really terrible about this.

Can I call you?

No.

How about you?

There could be an answer. It may not be too late.

But it involves a transfer.

Try love instead of hate.

All you can do is be good to people and hope that those people will be good to

you too.

But good luck.

I doubt it.