Original subtitles

Can I get some more coffee?

You've had enough, my friend.

Just a taste.

I'll quit tomorrow.

I promise.

Sorry, pal.

Gotta cut you off.

I don't know what you're running from, but you won't hide from it in the bottom

of a cappuccino cup.

Now give me your keys and jog home.

Wow. This job isn't just about selling coffee.

I'm impressed, Joe. You really do care about people.

Yeah, yeah.

You ever gone 90 in a Corvette?

Joe, I can't believe you. Give me those keys.

You are not driving that man's car, but you can ride shotgun.

Okay, I'm a car salesman and you've just entered the showroom.

Why can't you just tell me what I need to know?

Look, if you want to learn how to buy a car, you've got to do it my way.

Did the Karate Kid question Mr. Miyagi?

Car shopping, not here.

Or here.

Car shopping here.

All right, I'll give it a try.

Hi, I'm Brian.

Why can't you just be a car salesman named Adam? I'm Brian.

Okay, hi, I'm Sherry Belafonte Harper.

What can I help you with?

Well, my old car's on its last leg, so I'm here to buy. No, no, no, no, no. You

never say you're here to buy. You're just looking.

Gotcha.

I'm just looking, Brian.

You know, we're really loaded down with inventory right now, so if you buy

today, I can give you a great deal.

All right.

No, Ellen.

What? I'm getting a... great deal. Isn't that the point? The inventory thing is

the oldest trick in the book, and you fell for it. You may as well walk into

dealership wearing an I am a sucker t -shirt.

I have one of those.

I can't believe I paid $60 for it.

You're doomed.

I am not. I'm just going to look.

When it comes time to buy, I'll bring my pain -in -the -butt friend Adam to

negotiate. Well, that's good thinking, because you are every car salesman's

dream. I'm every man's dream.

I'm Sherry Belafonte Harper.

Yeah, cars look much nicer indoors. Maybe I'll make my next car an indoor

How did they get these in here, anyhow?

Holly, don't be a dope. They build the building around them.

You know, I'm starting to think that maybe I should get a new car, too. Oh,

we go again.

You always do this.

You copy me. I took up racquetball, you took up racquetball. I bought a bread

maker, you bought a bread maker.

I wanted a bread maker. Only after I got mine.

How many times have you used it?

Twice. That's exactly how many times I've used mine.

Copycat.

Here comes a salesman. Remember, he is the enemy. He's the devil.

Bye.

Save your breath, Buster. We're not buying anything. We're just here to

get lost.

I like this one. Me too.

Ha! I was just testing you. I hate it. Oh, well, ha, and you bet, because I

really do like it.

Copycat. What the hell is wrong with you?

Those two women walk in here, and you just let them browse?

You're hopeless.

Oh, no, I got him in trouble. Oh, don't worry. He'll be okay.

Now, you either start moving some vehicles, or you're history.

Man, have I been in those shoes before.

First boss I ever had yelled at me that way.

That's why I didn't become a doctor.

Ellen, your first boss was the assistant manager at Burger World.

That's right.

He destroyed my confidence and along with it my desire to heal.

Poor guy.

I bet he has dreams too. I'm going to go talk to him.

Hey there. Oh, hey.

Look, I'm sorry. You know, I know I told you earlier to get lost, but I didn't

mean for you to get lost.

That's just slang for, how are you?

See, I work at a bookstore, so I'm exposed to all the latest hip slang.

That's how it usually travels.

Booksellers, rappers, everyone else.

So, get lost.

I'm sorry, I'm just a little shaken right now. Why? I'm sure you're a

salesman. No, I'm not.

Really. Ah, the old soft self.

You're a fly one. I'm going to have to watch myself around you.

I'm Ellen, by the way. You must be... Jeff.

No, I'm the little red nub.

Is that a nickname?

Hope it wasn't your nickname before this chart.

I'm just kidding, Glenn.

Oh.

This one's a beauty.

That's the MS -3. It's got a 16 valve.

2 .3 liter engine, rack and pinion steering.

People seem to like them for some reason.

They like them because of the way you sell them.

If you don't stop me, I'm going to get in this car.

You sly devil, you. You got me behind the wheel and I love it just like you

knew I would.

me some more about the car. I'm sorry, I can't go on.

What's wrong?

I'm such a failure.

My father's right.

I can't pay my own bills. I can't do anything. I can't even sell a car.

Oh, of course you can.

Come on, don't give up.

Pressure me. Feed me that line about your inventory.

Inventory? Yeah, how your dealership is so weighed down with extra inventory. If

I buy now, I get a great deal. But that's not true.

I don't know that.

Come on, try it.

All right. Well,

We have this inventory thing. Really? Wow, that sure does turn up the heat.

I'll take it, you shark.

You bought a car in 20 minutes?

You must like the way it handles.

I'm sure it handles fine.

You didn't even drive it?

I may not have driven it here.

Or here.

But I drove it here.

You did this to hurt me, didn't you?

That would be a very stupid reason to buy a car.

I bought it to cheer up a salesman.

Ellen, I happen to think you did a beautiful thing buying that car.

There, see?

Feeling a little depressed myself. Can I have it?

The car is way out of your budget. It shows how much you know. All I need is

another thousand for the down payment. Don't look at me.

I'm not. Believe me, I know many ways to generate some quick income.

Mom, Dad.

Yo.

Hi, Jelly.

It is so warm in here. Do you have your heat on?

Why, yes, I do. That's how I celebrate winter.

hours, we're economizing.

Turning up the thermostat is just like pumping money into the air.

Oh, here, we brought you this.

Wow.

Mayonnaise. And plenty of it. Only five dollars at the value warehouse.

It couldn't be more timely because for lunch today, I'm serving giant

sandwiches.

We love the Value Warehouse. Buying food at the supermarket is just like eating

money.

Your father was bulk buyer of the month.

We will never run out of toilet paper again.

Ever.

Well, that's security, huh?

Sit down.

Oh, isn't this nice?

I've always thought it was really great the way the two of you were so miserly.

Is that the word I wanted?

Thrifty. Thrifty.

Spending foolishly is just like shredding money to make a fright wig.

I've never been more with you, Dad.

Because, you know, the less money you waste on little things, the more you

saved for big, important purchases like, oh, I don't know, cars.

You know, we sold our car.

It doesn't matter, Lois. The garage is full of toilet paper anyway.

If Hutton here wanted to play the market.

I got a hot tip.

Didn't work out.

What does that mean?

We're completely broke.

Temporarily. The SEC has frozen the company assets. The important thing is

we still have our health, which is good because no way we could afford doctors

now.

Well, enough of our miseries. You said on the phone there was something you

wanted to ask us.

Oh, yeah, um... Well, I was just going to ask you if I could

borrow... The mayonnaise, and you read my mind.

Actually, it was something we were hoping we could ask you.

Uh -huh.

It's kind of embarrassing, but could you lend us $1 ,000 just as a safety net?

Sure. Oh, yeah.

I'm just gonna go, um, turn off the heat.

You don't need all these lights, either.

And with all this inventory weighing us down, well, we're in a real spot.

So, we can get a great deal. Oh, yeah, you sure can.

Oh, I'll give you a minute to decide.

Helen!

I want to thank you so much. Making that sale yesterday has really boosted my

confidence.

Well, then that's all that matters right there is confidence.

The sale itself, who cares?

How do you mean?

Say you had a time machine.

I know what you're thinking. How would I get a time machine? Well, of course you

couldn't because time machines don't exist. But if they did, you'd be just

man to sell them.

That's just an aside.

Anyway...

If you went back in that time machine and we took away the sale now, it

make any difference because your life is already turned around. You've got

confidence. You get me? Why don't you explain it to me while I show you your

car?

Well, funny you should mention that.

Not funny, ha -ha.

More like funny, oh, God.

Ellen, is there something you want to tell me?

I can't buy the car.

Oh, God.

I just don't have the money, but it doesn't matter because your luck has

changed. That's what I meant with that whole time machine thing. Oh, I get it

now. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Well, Glenn, we just want to thank you for all your help, but we decided

the car.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, don't worry.

There'll be other sales.

Lots of them.

Things are looking up.

I can't believe what I did to him.

I'm scum.

I'm beneath scum.

I am that substance which scum gets grossed out by.

You can't hold yourself responsible for this guy's career.

If I've learned anything in business, it's that there's two types of people

there, winners and losers.

Oh, yeah? Which are you?

Okay, there's also a third kind that slides by for years on a glimmer of

potential.

But I'm afraid this Glenn guy is a loser.

Men.

Hey. Hey.

Hi.

Guess who bought a little red sports car?

You bought a car? Yeah. You bought it from Glenn? No.

I bought it from Jeff.

Tall, handsome, smart.

What a winner.

Why didn't you buy it from Glenn?

He told me it doesn't work there anymore.

Oh, my God. I got Glenn fired.

I am that substance which grosses out fat and which scum is grossed out by.

It was going to happen anyway. Let it go.

You're right.

I ruined a life. It's time to move on.

Look, there's nothing you can do for the guy, you know? You should have given

him a job yourself.

Hey. Which, of course, would be insanely ridiculous.

Or would it?

All Glenn needs is a little self -confidence. He'll thrive in the

of books.

Maybe he'll even be inspired to write one himself.

Heck, it'll be a bestseller.

They'll have to make a movie out of it starring who? Glenn himself.

into Washington, who's to say that 15 years from now we won't be sitting here

talking about our friend President Glenn? Has a ring to it, doesn't it?

more years!

Four more years!

Helen, you may be getting a little ahead of yourself.

Oh, you're right.

There's no guarantee he'll run for a second term.

Dickens, Dostoevsky, Hemingway, the classics.

Trying to improve your intelligence, huh?

Boy, do I know that feeling.

I bought a bunch of these once.

Trouble is, I never read them, so they just sat on my shelf mocking me.

Hey, Glenn, you idiot!

Glenn, you moron!

Finally, I picked one up, and it was so far beyond me that I felt even more

stupid than ever.

Come again!

Glenn!

You know, you're doing great.

But maybe I could give you a few tiny pointers.

Would you?

Effective salesmanship is all about making the customer feel good about what

he's buying.

You know what I'm saying?

No idea.

Okay, I got an idea. You be the customer.

I'll be Sherry Belafonte Harper.

I'm kidding. I'll be me.

Okay, pick out a book.

A book.

A book, a book, a book, a book.

Any book.

Ah, the hidden life of dogs.

I just love dogs.

Aren't dogs wonderful? Yeah, yeah. I had a dog when I was growing up.

Spongy.

The day I got my driver's license, I ran him over.

Oh, God, Spongy. Okay, okay, okay.

I tell you what, why don't you go help Joe for a little while?

Sure, sure thing, Alan.

Hey, Joe.

Hey, Alan says that I'm supposed to help you. Great. Is this how you steam the

milk? Ah!

Excuse me.

Ellen, the new guy?

Yes. He has to go.

He just started. Give him a chance.

All right.

I still feel the same way.

You're right. This isn't working out.

Glenn, can I see you in my office for a moment? Sure thing, Ellen.

I'll race you.

I won.

Yes, you did.

You're a winner.

Sit down, Glenn.

Do you remember what I said to you when I first hired you? Of course.

You said that others may have let me down in the past, but you were different

and that you would stand behind me no matter what.

Elsa said that it was an experiment. We'd try to see how it works. Yeah, it's

working out great, isn't it?

Our experiment?

Oh, yes, great, yes.

I don't think there's been an experiment this great since the H -bomb.

What do you wear to the Nobels?

Just this, I guess.

Is that what you wanted to talk to me about, Ellen?

No, no.

I'm stalling because this is really hard to say.

Oh.

Maybe it would be easier if I said something first.

Ellen, this job has meant so much to me.

It has made me so happy that this morning I got evicted from my apartment.

don't even care.

Did that help?

Immensely.

First of all, thank you for the pickles.

I need my $1 ,000 back.

What on earth for?

Well, I have this employee who's broke and he's just been evicted. Now,

unfortunately, I have to fire him, so I want to lend him the money.

Honey, you can't give $1 ,000 to every employee you let go.

That's like kicking money under the street.

I know it sounds weird, Dad, but I feel really responsible for this guy. It's

like giving to charity.

I just don't understand.

It's like feeding the homeless with money sandwiches.

Oh.

Besides, you said you just ordered it for a safety cushion, so can I have it

back?

Well... Um... What?

We don't have it.

I just gave it to you Monday.

Yeah, well, we had a lot of bills. Power, water, car payments.

He sold your car. I mean carpets, carpets, I mean carpets.

It's still nowhere near $1 ,000. Where's the rest of it?

We had dinner out.

Where?

Richards. Richards? That's the most expensive restaurant in town.

Well, you can't eat at the Pancake House after seeing a show like Phantom.

You saw Phantom? I haven't even seen Phantom. Those tickets are $70 each.

when you buy them from a scalper. Oh.

I guess we just went a little crazy, you know.

Dinner, the show, and that gorgeous hotel suite.

It was like as if we won the money. It was like it was free.

Oh, we really feel awful, but we'll pay you back as soon as we can.

Well, it's not the money.

What do I do about Glenn?

Well, what can you do about him?

Things are tough for everyone.

The theater was half empty.

I really have done everything I can for the guy. I mean, I gave him a job. It

didn't work out. I don't owe him one single thing.

And if you get tired of sleeping on my sofa, I guess you can have my room. I

feel I owe you at least that.

Look, Ellen.

The pickles were really quite enough.

I'm just not your responsibility.

Well, what are you going to do?

There's only one thing I can do.

Face the facts.

Bite the bullet.

And except that trust fund my father set up for me.

Excuse me? Trust fund?

So you're rich?

Don't rub it in.

My father uses his money to control me. I just wanted to prove to him that I

could make it on my own. I guess now I'm going to have to eat $1 .8 million

worth of crow.

I thought I was strong enough to make it without his money, but I'm not, Ellen.

I'm a complete loser.

Oh, but you're not.

You had the strength to walk away from your father and try and make it on your

own. That's all anyone can ever do.

You can go back to your father with your head held high and say, Dad, I gave it

my best.

I did try for almost two weeks.

You're a trooper.

Ellen, you've really made a difference.

You're the only person who ever cared.

Well, I guess when I looked at you, I...

Saw a little girl who wanted to be a doctor.

Oh, God.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's me.

It's a good thing. Oh, oh, okay, okay.

I don't know how to thank you for everything you've done for me. Oh, when

my trust fund, the first thing I'll do is buy you that car.

You don't have to do that.

Fair enough.

I can see that I've embarrassed you. I will never bring it up again.

Thanks, Alan.

Uh, say, Glenn, if you're giving out cars, I'll take one.

You got it, my friend.

off some tuna. I thought I'd make sandwiches.