All language subtitles for Ellen s01e08 The Houseguest

So, what's a cappuccino?

A cappuccino is a coffee drink of
Italian origin, comprised of equal parts

milk, foam milk, and espresso.

The name is derived from the foam cap,
which was thought to resemble the hooded

robes of the cappuccino friars of the
16th century.

I meant, what's it cost?

Three dollars.

Okay, what's a cafe latte?

Also three dollars.

No, I mean, does it have a little story
to go with it?

Here's me.

Here's my patience.

I've lost it.

Get out of here.

Joe, around here we like to think that
the customer's always right.

The customer's always right.

Where do you come up with these?

I got a good one for you.

It's not whether you win or lose, but
how you play the game.

Here's another one. Here's another one.

People are basically good.

Let us know if we can help you with
anything.

Yeah, just give a yell.

Actually, you know what? I could use
your help on this display over here.

Oh, we were just being polite.

You know, the only reason we come here
is because it's so much fun watching you

work. Well, enjoy.

Wow, this Jack Slade character is
amazing.

What are you reading?

The new Nestor Big novel, Cold Steel
Slade.

Check this out.

Big Gus Logan had Slade cornered, and
they both knew it.

Suddenly... In one blinding motion,
Slade whipped the screwdriver out of his

back pocket and sunk it deep into Gus's
neck.

The blood flowed like wine.

Authors always look so distinguished in
their photographs, don't they?

I love Nestor Biggs. His books are
pedistic, violent trash.

I know, aren't they great?

They're for people who are too stupid to
watch television.

I know, aren't they great?

Off at night should not be a forum for
criminals.

Oh, you kill one guy in a bar fight,
suddenly you're a criminal.

Whose life can stand up to that kind of
scrutiny?

Good afternoon, by the book.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Ellie.

How are you, dear?

I'm great, and you?

I'm wonderful. I'm trying out my new
pipe.

What? You don't smoke. I do now. The
tobacco shop with having a two -for -one

sale, you can't pass that off.

No, you can't.

Hey, listen, if chewing tobacco goes on
sale, keep in mind I got a birthday

coming up.

You know, smoking is kind of fun once
you get past the dizziness and the

vomiting.

Say, what time does Tracy's plane get
in? About 8 .30. 8 .30. You better get

going.

Dad, her plane is still on the ground in
Missouri. I refuse to leave before she

does.

Ellen, we're all a little worried about
your cousin's big trip out here to

California.

She's sweet and innocent. She isn't like
you.

Well, thank you for that. But there's no
need to worry about Tracy. She's always

been my favorite cousin. I'm the one who
convinced her to come out here.

Dad?

Dad?

Oh, oh, oh.

I got a little woozy.

I think I'd better go lie down.

Okay, you do that. Hey, and relax about
Tracy.

She couldn't be in safer hands.

This is going to be your best vacation
ever. I can't believe I am finally in

Angeles.

Look, there's a palm tree.

And another one, and another one, and
another one.

And you wanted to go to Hawaii.

Thank God I talked you out of that one.
Wait a minute.

You could have gone to Hawaii and you
chose to come here?

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Nothing.

I was in Hawaii once.

is the most beautiful place on Earth. So
clean and so safe.

Oh, when I had to come back here, I
cried for two weeks.

Oh.

Tears of joy, I'm sure.

She was just so happy to see the
sunshine and movie stars and palm trees.

Look, there's a palm tree. And there's
another one. And another one. And

one. And another one. It's kind of hard
to look at them the same way once you

realize that they're just crawling with
tree rats.

this friend of mine who had a rat fall
out of a tree into his shoulder. Ew. He

had to get rabies shots every day for a
month. Ew.

Shouldn't you guys be singing or playing
the alphabet game or something?

Okay, okay.

Me first. A, I see an arsonist. Uh, B, I
see a burglar.

Carjacking. Bad guy.

Tracy, they're just kidding. Bad things
almost never happen here.

was the beach?

It was fun.

You okay? What happened?

Oh, I stepped on something in the sand.

You were walking on the beach barefoot?

No, a beer bottle went right through my
sneaker.

It was a pretty green bottle, so if we
can pick it out of her foot, I think we

have a good souvenir.

And when you make calamine lotion, I'm
starting to get a little itchy all over.

Oh, my God. You didn't go in the water,
did you? Well, she kind of had to. That

pit bull wouldn't take no for an answer.

Is there something wrong with going in
the water? No, no. Those swim at your

risk signs are merely guidelines.

Spoilsport scientists don't want you to
have any fun anymore. Don't lay out in

the sun. Don't eat fatty foods.

Don't swim in raw sewage. Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

You know, I think I'm just going to take
a long shower.

Oh, construction crew broke a pipe out
front.

There's no hot water. Well, cold's okay.
I'm feeling a little feverish anyway.

Ow. Ow.

Remember, it's shampoo, rinse, repeat.

Oh, this is going so badly. I just want
one thing that she does here to be fun.

Please, something fun. Anything fun. One
little tiny piece of fun.

Well, why don't you take her to see a
show?

Something spectacular like, uh, Sunset
Boulevard?

Great, Adam. If I would have thought of
that six months ago, maybe I'd be

sitting here with tickets in my hand.

Sitting here with tickets in my hand.

Not just any tickets. Fourth row
tickets.

Glenn, close.

Yeah, real close.

I got it from a scalper.

I owe you big.

Hey, Tracy!

This is going to be your best vacation
ever.

We're going to see Sunset Boulevard.

It's a lavish new musical by one of the
world's top composers.

It's a live theater. That's why you live
in a city like this.

What other shows have you seen?

Well, there was, um, Hair.

Yeah, that was 11 years ago.

And we saw your niece in Annie.

That's right.

Ben Franklin Elementary puts on quite a
show.

Little Britney made a fine Daddy
Warbucks.

Fourth row in the orchestra.

Hope they give me a good instrument.

16th row.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Might want to get used to this.

Back of my head.

Of course, 12 rows back would be more
like this. Back of my head.

Hope you're sitting in the orchestra, so
feel free to call out any requests.

We got our tickets from the Make -A
-Wish Foundation.

I guess this is the best that they could
do.

Sorry, but these appear to be
counterfeit.

What? Well, first of all, there's only
one L in Boulevard.

And we rarely, if ever, stamp our
tickets not counterfeit.

Would you please step to the side,
please?

Please.

Boy,

this really ticks me off.

You know, I'm going to find the guy that
I bought those tickets from, and I'm

going to demand my $20 back.

Could we just sit down anywhere? My
foot's starting to go a little numb.

Hey, couldn't get into Sunset Boulevard,
huh?

Well, we have got just the show for you,
and the good news is it's free.

What is it?

You get to be in the studio audience for
an infomercial featuring a

revolutionary new line of hair care
products.

Best of all, our host is TV's Tina
Yathers.

Are you kidding? Yeah, sure we're up for
it. Is this a great city or what?

She was in Family Ties.

Watch

your

hair. Watch your head. It's low
clearance.

We sat there for five hours smiling and
clapping like trained seals.

That's right. If we were at home, we'd
have to make four easy payments of $9

.95. We got a bargain.

I don't know what you're complaining
about.

I kind of like mine.

I look like Elvis.

You look like Beethoven.

The Elvis of his day.

You know, I think I'm going to try and
get this stuff out of my hair.

You don't have any paint thinner, do
you?

Oh, Tracy.

I know things didn't work out at the
beach or the show or the infomercial or

anything, really, since you got here.

I feel really bad. I mean, after all, I
am the one who convinced you to come

here instead of Hawaii. I guess what I'm
trying to say is the best vacation of

your life begins tomorrow.

You know, I really would rather not do
anything.

Exactly what I had planned. A relaxing
day with me at the bookstore. But it's

not just any day. There's a celebrity
book signing. I'm not going to tell you

who it is, or you'd never fall asleep
tonight.

I probably won't get any sleep anyway.
My scalp is really starting to burn.

That's no burn, that's a tingle.

Remember what Tina said, that's how you
know it's working.

Without even thinking, Slade Doe behind
the wheel of the jet car as a hail of

bullets rained down from above.

This could be interesting.

For 22 years, he'd driven only Hogs and
Harleys, and now he had a $2 million hot

rod to joyride in.

He noticed the crowd of tourists
standing between him and the only road

town.

What the hell, he thought.

They probably got insurance.

Well,

that certainly was special.

I think my favorite part was when Slade
yanked off the man's arm and beat him to

death with it.

Sure, the writing gets a little flowery
at times, but it didn't Fitzgerald's.

Well, Mr. Biggs will be signing
autographed copies until closing.

Look, Ellen.

A tear.

Your speech about Nestor touched me.

Well, then we're even because several of
Nestor's fans have tried to touch me.

He is selling a lot of books, though.

Tracy, can you get me two more cases of
books upstairs?

Yeah.

Mr. Biggs, I really love your prose.

It's so real.

It feels like it was written in blood on
scraps of paper scrounged up in a

prison cell.

Well, actually, it was written on a
Macintosh PowerBook 180.

Now keep a change of clothes in the
office. Go get yourself cleaned up.

It's all right. In case anyone's
interested, I'm fine.

This is horrible.

I mean, from the moment Tracy got here,
everything has gone wrong. All I wanted

to do was give her a nice vacation.

I love her to death, but I really wish
she'd just gone to Hawaii.

What if we're not ready to leave?

Well, then I will have to kick you out
on your sorry butt, my friend.

I'm tired and I want to go home.

All right.

This is the single most profitable day
in the history of the bookstore. I

love Nestor Biggs.

I want to thank him.

Thank him. I want to hug him. Where is
he?

He's out front flirting with your
cousin.

I'm going to yank his arm off and beat
him with it.

Tracy! Tracy!

There they are. And there they go.

Tracy!

So, uh, how old is this little girl?

Twenty -three.

Months? Years.

Look, ma 'am.

When a grown woman willingly climbs on
the back of a man's motorcycle and goes

off with him, that's no crime.

That's a date.

Did I mention that she wasn't wearing a
helmet? That's a crime.

And neither was he. That's two crimes.
They're on us free. Go get them.

Can't the police do anything? This
Nestor Biggs guy is a killer.

If you're talking about Nestor Biggs the
writer, he probably took her up to Hog

Heaven. It's a bar he owns up the coast.

That's right.

And who's afraid of Slade?

Jack Flade meets this young Midwestern
girl at Hog Heaven, and they journey up

the coast living and loving on the open
road.

Living and loving?

I'm going to get my car keys.

Hi there. Excuse me.

Hello?

Pardon me.

Excuse me.

Okay, stop.

I don't see him anywhere.

If that pig has heard her, I'll...
I'll... I'll take his books off the new

noteworthy table.

Let's go to the bar and see if anybody's
seen him. Try and blend in.

Hi.

Hey.

What can I get you? I'll take a beer.
Adam? A beer.

Two beers, Holly?

A glass of Chardonnay?

Three beers.

Say, Bart, I got you here.

You seen a man named Nestor Biggs?

Not real good with names.

Yeah, well, he's a big biker type. Kind
of, you know, beard, tattoos.

Not too good with faces, either.

He's the author that writes the Jack
Slade novels?

I don't read much.

Oh, for crying out loud, he owns the
place. He signs your paychecks. Lady,

a hint.

Okay, we've looked for them. Can we go
home now?

Yeah, what's your rush?

I think this place is pretty cool.

I don't know why I've never come here
before.

I thought these guys would kick the crap
out of you.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Hi there.

Hey.

You hitting on my woman?

What?

He wants to know if you're hitting on
his woman.

Look, I gotta warn you, if you're
planning on hitting me, I have a very

high -pitched cry.

It'll certainly lessen the degree of
your satisfaction of victory.

Excuse me, I hate to interrupt here, but
have you seen Nestor Biggs tonight?

Yeah, came in here about an hour ago
with some girly mitts. They're in its

private room.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

One side.

Coming through.

Open sesame.

Yellow.

Why not? Making myself clear, I need to
get into that room.

Room's private.

You don't understand, my cousin's in
there.

Big's asked not to be disturbed.

What's your name?

Big Ed.

I like it.

Simple, logical.

You're big, your name's Ed.

Doesn't take a genius, pretty self
-explanatory.

I'm Ellen. Little Ellen.

Man, a few words, I like that.

Are you married, Big Ed?

Is there a Mrs. Ed? Not that you're Mr.
Ed, that's a talking horse.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is
I'm attracted to you.

You're just my type. You're big and
you're hairy and sweaty.

What do you say you and I skedaddle into
that private room and get to know each

other better?

Sorry.

Come on now. My cousin's in there. I've
got to get in there. We can do this one

of two ways. The easy way or the hard
way. Now you just decide because one way

or the other I'm getting in that room.

Are you ticklish?

Tracy! Another inside straight!

Unbelievable!

Tracy!

Ellen, what are you doing here?

Looking for you. I was worried you just
took off.

Oh, please. Like that's not exactly what
you wanted.

What are you talking about?

You didn't want me here in the first
place. And then when you got stuck with

you made sure I had a bad time.

Look, I admit everything's gone wrong,
but those things just happen here.

just L .A. Oh, come on. No place is that
awful.

No, it is. Really, ask anyone who lives
here. Then why do you live here?

The weather?

Look,

you've got to believe me. I wanted
nothing more than to have you here and

you the best time of your life.

Then why'd you tell Holly you just
wished I'd gone to Hawaii?

Oh, that. I just felt really responsible
for your rotten vacation. I do wish

you'd gone to Hawaii. I wish I'd gone to
Hawaii.

I wish we'd all gone to Hawaii.

That hot tropical sun's too much for my
sensitive skin.

You know, I am sorry that I ran off like
that.

And I do appreciate everything that
you've done for me, as horrible and

as it has all been.

Oh, Tracy.

What do you say we just go home, huh?

Go.

and join us. Yeah, come on. We'll deal
you in, babe.

Yeah, lady, have a seat. Really? Yeah.

Okay.

You do know how to play poker, don't
you?

Do I know how to play poker? What kind
of question is that?

Shuffle them. Deal them.

I raise you. I call you.

Auntie.

Uncle.

I'm an experienced veteran poker player,
if you ever saw one.

Wow, these are great cards.

Of course, I could be bluffing.

Camera work.

Without even thinking, Slade dove behind
the wheel of the jet car as a hail of

bullets drained down from above.

Drained down from above?

Right away?

You're reading, right? Yeah. Okay.

but it's really starting to go numb.

Say, couldn't get into Sunset Boulevard,
huh?

Well, we have got just the show for you,
and the good news is, it's free.