Original subtitles

I'm going to get going. Can we get the check? Yeah, where's our waiter?

What am I doing? What is this kind of gesture? Am I writing something? Am I

making a check mark?

Well, whatever it is, it works because here he comes.

And there he goes.

I hate when they do that. I know he saw me. He's mad because we split that salad

and you had to ask all those questions about the soup. They hate that.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

This is unbelievable. I'm going to snap my fingers. Oh, God, please don't do

that. Please.

Hey, over here.

Hey. Hey.

This is ridiculous.

No, wait. It's okay. It's okay. Here he comes. Okay. I got him. I got him.

I got him.

I'm okay.

At least I got your attention.

Hey, listen. Can we get the... Wow.

I remember my first cup of coffee. This is a special day.

Mmm, chocolatey.

Handshaking.

Cool.

Tell your friends.

What is this?

Where are the best sellers?

Good morning, Susan.

This is my new promotional display.

See, it's Friday, so I thought maybe people would come in here looking for

things to do on the weekend, and these are some books on fun things to do.

T -G -I -T -W -E?

Thank God it's the weekend.

To get we.

You get me?

But weekend is one word.

I know that. But see, then it would be to get wa, and that's never going to

catch on. That's, you know, to get wa. That's lame.

But to get we.

That's catchy.

What is this obsession with having fun on the weekend?

Why can't it be enough just to sit at home and wonder whatever happened to

life?

I'll see if we have a book on that.

Take them away.

Don't sweat it, Ellen.

To get we.

She really seems upset. I wonder what's wrong.

I don't know. Could be she was invited to a big wedding this weekend, arranged

for her ex -husband to take their kid, was looking forward to kicking up her

heels because she doesn't get out much, and then her date canceled on her.

How do you know all that?

Body language.

Plus, she cried her eyes out to me last night. Kept me here till two in the

morning.

You know what I ought to do?

I ought to find her a new date for that wedding.

Found one.

All right, I'll take her, but I gotta let you know, the last wedding I was at,

ended up butt naked on the cake.

Actually, the last three weddings.

I'll find someone else.

You should see me at a funeral.

I really want to do this for Susan. She's in pain. She's reaching out.

Beneath that tough, hostile exterior is a little girl.

A little girl who needs a friend.

A friend named Ellen.

I told you to take those books away.

I hear you, pal.

I got it. My next -door neighbor, Heath Dingle.

Kevin? The guy who runs a strip club?

Yeah. He's kind of cute.

Holly. He runs a strip club.

Okay, then. What about my friend Carl?

Carl. The one who had the operation?

Yeah. He's been a man for three years now. He's really getting the hang of it.

I'm telling you, our only answer is Adam.

Ellen, I thought we agreed never to fix Adam up with our friend. She's not a

friend. It's not a fix -up. He's escorting her to a wedding. He's like an

accessory, like a handbag or a brooch.

He's nothing.

How can you say no to that? Exactly.

Hey, guys. Hey, Adam.

Oh, you must have had some workout, because you look fantastic.

Doesn't he, Holly? Oh, yeah, boy. Whoa, look at those ripples. Whoa, you're

going to bust out of that shirt. Yeah. You are pumped.

Actually, I didn't work out.

I ate a one -pound bag of M &M's on the way to the gym.

Kind of gave me a tummy ache.

Well,

how would you like to work off some of those M &M's? Dancing the night away at

fun -filled wedding with my delightful boss, Susan.

You want me to go on a date with your boss? No, not a date. Like a, you know,

escort. You're like a handbag or a brooch. You're nothing.

Holly, you're not healthy.

So, you want to go?

No way.

Oh, come on. No, you're always telling me how loathsome she is. No, not

loathsome.

Lonesome.

You should have seen her today. She was so sad and pathetic. All she did was

complain. It's just painful to be near her.

So, you up for it?

I don't think so. I would love to go. A big wedding in a fancy hotel.

You know, the bride's a model.

As are all the bridesmaids and all the friends. Heck, the whole guest list will

be models, I'm sure. Adam, picture it. It's going to be you and a thief full of

models seductively waving their phone numbers before you like a bunch of

waving their phone numbers at you.

I'm not buying a word of this, but I'll do it for you anyway as a favor. Oh.

Thanks. You're the greatest.

I appreciate it. And don't sell yourself short. I mean, those models will be

waving their phone numbers left and right.

Please. The only thing a model's going to wave in my face is a restraining

order.

Hey. Susan here? Yes, she is. She's in the office. Come on. Here's our plan.

Plan? You need to have a plan? Yes. Yes. Unless we plan every single detail,

it's not going to seem spontaneous.

Now, you stand here in this gardening section and read this book.

The Art of Flower Arranging?

Yes. She'll come out, see you, and strike up a conversation.

Wait a minute. Flower arranging?

Give me something cool, like speedboat.

She's crazy about flowers. You'll mention that your favorites are

and then she'll say, really?

Mine, too. And then you'll reply, I like to wear them on the lapel of my tuxedo.

At weddings, she'll inquire. Ellen, this is insane.

She's not going to say all that.

Adam, trust me, I know how she thinks. She'll say, I love weddings, and then

you'll say, they always make me cry. Okay, Alan, look, why don't I just...

she comes, here she comes. Now remember, carnation, tuxedo, wedding, crying.

Carnation, tuxedo, wedding, crying. C -T -W -C.

Katwak, katwak.

Susan, you remember my friend Adam? Of course, Adam. Good to see you again.

You're looking well. Thank you.

So are you.

Adam's thinking about buying this book here on gardening.

How nice.

The bookstore looks great. I love this new coffee thing.

Thank you. Could I treat you to a cappuccino? Oh, look at these

Wouldn't they look pretty on a lapel of a tuxedo? I can't now, but how about

tomorrow? Oh, tomorrow's no good for me. I have this thing.

Actually, how would you feel about going to a wedding with me?

Sounds like fun. Terrific.

So why don't I pick you up around five?

Great.

You didn't think we needed a plan.

I've been meaning to have you over. This is like a slumber party.

Except that, you know, someone forgot my invitation.

Not that I would have wanted to join you, no.

Two is company, three is thick. It is thick.

Menage a yuck if you ask me.

Hi.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Well, the gang's all here.

I made out some sweats for you. Thank you.

You're welcome, lover.

Lover? Lover? What the hell is wrong with you?

What? Maybe you can refresh my memory, but when we discussed you escorting

to the wedding, at what point in the conversation did we decide that you

have sex with her?

Said, show her a nice time.

What happened to the models waving their phone numbers?

Oh, they were beautiful, but...

Just weren't as interesting as Susan.

You know, and it's not just her mind. She really has a knockout body. And boy,

is she flexible.

Adam,

thanks for the clothes. And Ellen, I'll see you.

I'll call you.

I'll call you. You're not going to call anybody.

with my boss. That is the worst thing you could possibly do. I set this whole

thing up to make her feel better.

Mission accomplished.

Adam. Ellen.

There's no one -night stand. We made plans for tonight. I'm making her

Oh, this is going to be so awkward at work. Now, every time I look at her, I'm

going to think of you and her and flexible and, oh.

God, I feel so sick.

Oh, Ellen, don't worry.

You've brought joy into our lives.

Last night, as I was making love to her on that sofa...

Helen,

good morning.

Again.

Hi, Susan.

Don't you look different?

Not different bad, but, you know, different dressed.

Well, you must have been at some point with the whole couch thing. Oh, God.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is I quit.

You what?

Yeah, you know what? This is just incredibly flexible. I mean, awkward for

of us. I mean, the tension, you feel it, I feel it, and so I'm history. Have a

good life. Oh, Ellen, calm down. There's no reason for you to feel

uncomfortable.

Adam told me that fixing us up was all your idea, and I thought it was a

wonderful gesture.

Oh. Well, then I, uh, unquit.

Great. Because I was giving some thought to your little weekend promotion.

To get wheat?

Yes.

And I may have dismissed it too hastily. I want you to know that I really

appreciate your initiative.

Good work.

She appreciates my initiative.

See that? Initiative.

Appreciation to follow.

You taking notes here?

No.

Initiate text for boss.

Boss appreciate.

He probably just wants to praise me some more. You know how that goes. Blah,

blah, blah. You're the greatest.

Blah, blah, blah. Much better than Joe.

So, what's up? Well, I just wanted to finish our conversation in private.

About last night, again, thank you.

You know, Adam is a great dancer and a fabulous lover.

Yeah, he's a good dancer. He's a, you know, hip -hop, Charleston, waltz,

whatever. He's a dancer, dancer.

By the way, would you do me a favor and return these clothes to Adam?

What do you mean? I thought you were going to see him tonight.

Well, yes, I thought I would, but I don't think that's such a great idea.

I don't understand. I thought you guys hit it off. Oh, he's nice, but we really

don't have anything to talk about.

Sometimes you just wish they'd roll over and go to sleep.

Well, don't you think you should give him another chance?

Oh, no once was enough.

Actually, three times was enough.

Well, um, how are you going to break this to Adam? The easy way.

I'm just going to leave a message on his answering machine.

Oh, you know what? Maybe that's...

Not good, no.

How about if I do it? Can I do it? I feel like I was the one to bring you two

together. I should be the one to rip you apart.

Sure.

All for me?

No, none for you. Get out. Get out, get out. You've got to spend the night at

Holly's.

Are you cooking?

Well, not from scratch, but, you know, there's food, there's heat, there's

stirring. Hey, what do you know? That's cooking.

Come here. You've got to taste this soup.

It's lobster bisque.

Mmm.

Bisquey.

You know, if for some reason Susan doesn't show, I'll eat every bit of that

soup.

Just for starters, I'm also whipping up a Caesar salad and vegetarian

lasagna.

Mmm. Well, again, if Susan's a no -show...

So did Susan say anything about me?

Did she say anything?

Couldn't stop talking about you all day long.

Fabulous dancer, fabulous lover.

Never wants to see you again.

Fabulous lover, huh?

Yeah, and some other stuff.

What stuff?

Remember that Sting song, if you love somebody, set them free?

If you love somebody, set them free.

Yeah, anyway.

Remember how you always said you couldn't understand it?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway. Hold on. Anyway, now is your time to really grasp

to feel it, to live it.

Fly free, little birdie. Spread those wings. Shoo, shoo.

Eleanor, you lost me.

Susan wanted me to give you this.

Oh, she is.

Uh -oh.

It's the clothes package.

I know what the clothes package means.

I've sent the clothes package.

I've been set free.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I can't believe this.

She didn't even call.

Actually, you know, she wanted to call, but I just thought it was better if it

came from me.

Oh, this is awful.

You know what she said to me last night?

This was a direct quote. She said,

I hope this lasts forever.

Was that after or during?

Okay, it was during, but we had plans for the night.

We had firm plans.

Did you mention it again this morning? I certainly did. I said, so I'll see you

later. And she said, sure, whatever.

Sure.

Whatever.

Did she give a reason why?

No, nothing specific. But you know what?

I'm willing to bet that it was just because you were too young and too

and too irresistible to other women and she just couldn't compete.

That makes sense. Yeah.

Well, if Susan asked you how I took all this, what are you going to tell her?

I'm going to tell her the truth.

That you...

Couldn't care less. You barely remembered her name because you were so

entertaining five or six models that you met at the wedding. Did I say five or

six? Eight or nine? A dozen? A baker's dozen? A whole herd of models descended

upon the apartment I had to spend the night in the street. Yeah.

Yeah, you tell her that.

And... Did I miss her?

Joe, it's the best in the city.

Keep up the good work.

I do my best.

Boy, one roll in the hay and she's a new woman.

You ought to set her up with another date for this weekend.

Like I gotta tell you how to suck up.

Suck up? That's all I can do to look at her. Adam really fell for her and she

dumped him. I was up half the night comforting him.

Ah, sweet Cupid, how fickle is thy arrow.

Still, your buddy Adam sounds like a wuss.

He's broken hearted.

You know what the worst part was? Just when I'd get him calmed down, he'd come

up with some other ridiculous plan to try and get her back.

As of 3 a .m., he was planning a take -me -back strippagram.

I break hearts every day, and I find the best way to let them down easy is to

quote the soulful lyrics of a certain musical genius named Sting.

If you love somebody, set them free. No, that song makes no sense.

Dee -doo -doo -doo, dee -da -da -da.

Now that gets them right here.

I'll try it next time.

I have flowers for Susan Sundstrom.

Oh, carnations. Adam, you poor thing.

Oh, what a fool.

Joe, get rid of these, would you? That is just so pathetic.

Hold on a second.

Pathetic?

Pathetic?

You want to know what I think is pathetic?

Your behavior.

I didn't see anybody beating a path to your door to take you to that wedding.

Adam did you a favor and you have done nothing but dump on him since.

You're mean, you're cold, and you're heartless. Now you take these flowers

you put them in your office and you love them because they were given to you by

one of the sweetest, nicest guys that you will ever meet.

Actually, they're from my ex -husband.

And I think we can put all this behind us, don't you?

I'll take that icy stare as a yes.

Ah, look at the bright side. Ellen, another three days and to get we.

Susan here.

This may not be the best time.

Someone. Anyone.

Can we get a check?

Hello. Please.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. Any check. Any check at all.

Okay. We're going to go. We're going to do it. We're going to leave without

paying. We will do it.

Can we? This is the worst service I've ever had in my entire life.

How was everything?

Perfect. Thank you.

What do you think? 20 %? Oh, that's only fair. These people live by their tips.

Excuse me, can I get a pen?