Original subtitles

Hey, I got one. Tall, blue -eyed man, 35, likes working out, currently

law degree, seeks pretty woman who is patient and understanding.

That sounds perfect for you.

Respond to cell block D, San Quentin.

Well, San Quentin's in Marin County. It'd be a very pretty drive.

Well, there is something about a man in uniform.

Hey, here's a Cindy Crawford look -alike.

People always think they look like celebrities, but only the most beautiful

ones. Nobody ever says, I like old movies and walks on the beach and, by

way, I'm a dead ringer for Don Rickles.

Now, if you were writing an ad, who would you say you look like?

Well, in high school, when my hair was longer, people were always telling me

that I looked exactly like Farrah Fawcett.

Not always, but, you know, now and again.

Once.

Okay, nobody ever said it, but I wanted him to.

How about you, Adam? Who would you say?

Oh, that's easy.

Al Pacino.

That is not easy. That's very difficult.

People tell me all the time I look like Pacino.

What people?

Well, my mother and other people.

Hey, you guys, you know, We always just sit around and make fun of these ads.

That's what they're there for, to make fun of.

And to keep our minds off our own sorry, dateless lives.

Okay, so what would happen if we each just picked one and answered it?

We would cross the line from mocking loser to participating loser.

I think Holly's right. We should do this.

You know, as a lark. Well, count me out. I hate larks. I am not a larker. I do

not lark well.

Okay. Maybe we could all meet our dates at the same time at the bookstore.

I'm up for it.

Come on, you guys, stop it. Friends don't let friends answer personal.

Too late. I'm going to do it.

Now, who to choose?

Oh, this one looks good.

You see, but they all look good. You can't take it literally. You've got to

crack the code.

She says she's earthy.

Translation, smelly.

Shy of mirrors.

Spontaneous. Incontinent.

Looking for an honest, successful man.

Sugar daddy.

Well built, long blonde hair, and a model.

So you could be looking at a dream date with Fabio.

She's probably just doing a little creative advertising.

To sell the product, you need to embellish 40%. It's like markup.

They do it in their ads. You do it when you call them.

I got mine.

Recently divorced, quiet, shy, keeps to himself.

He sounds nice.

He sounds like a serial killer.

No, he just needs the right woman to draw him out. Bruce him up a bit.

I don't know about this. Well, come on. It'll be fun.

No, it won't be fun. It'll be the opposite of fun. It'll be golf.

Okay. Holly and I will go on our glamorous, exciting dates, and you stay

and feed the fish. Yeah.

Okay. All right.

So Sam Quentin is a left off the freeway.

I answered one of those first, Lance, one.

You? Really? What happened? I woke up and I thought, I hate it when I dream

a geek.

My guy said he'd be wearing a sweater with a stain on it. Are stains back in

fashion again? I cannot keep up with these trends.

It's my stain man.

Hello. Are you William?

Holly?

Hello. Hi.

I'm getting nervous.

When I meet a woman, I can never tell if she really likes me or if she's just

being nice.

Oh, that's easy. When people are trying to hide their feelings, their voices go

up. Oh, you got a haircut.

I like it.

I really do.

I've heard that high voice.

I've heard it a lot.

Excuse me.

Hi, I'm looking for a man named Adam. He looks a little bit like Al Pacino.

That would be him over there talking to Meryl Streep.

Hi.

You must be Jennifer.

And you must be Adam.

So nice to meet you.

So, William, how recent was your divorce?

Well, to be honest, I signed the papers this morning. Oh.

So I made a date for tonight to, uh...

Celebrate my freedom.

Well, here's to freedom.

That's right.

Now I can do anything I want.

No bath.

No kids.

No Mr. Snoopers.

No one to care.

All alone.

With my freedom.

Wow. You really do look like a model.

You look nothing like Al Pacino.

Oh, come on, watch this.

Hoo -ha!

Wait a minute, you've got to minus the beard.

Hoo -ha! Hoo -ha!

What are you doing?

Al Pacino.

Son of a woman! Hoo -ha!

I didn't see that movie.

Everybody saw Son of a Woman. He won the Oscar for that performance.

Why are you getting so upset? You don't think you won it, do you?

Of course not.

Okay, so you don't think I look like Al Pacino. Doesn't matter.

You also said you were six feet tall.

I just rounded off to the nearest foot.

And a triathlete.

Again, I'm rounding.

You know how this personal ad stuff works. You're supposed to embellish

everything 40%. It's like markup.

Everybody does it.

I didn't.

I know.

You seem like a really nice guy.

But what I'm looking for is honesty.

Just like my aunt said.

Too bad. You know, you're really kind of cute.

She was gorgeous.

Oh, come on. She wasn't that great, huh, Joe? The most beautiful woman I've ever

seen.

You blew it, man.

be a little more supportive? Oh, sorry.

Hey, at least your date showed up.

Better?

You know what?

I'm going to find another ad, and this time, I'm not only going to be honest,

I'm going to be more than honest.

Yeah.

I'm marking myself down 40%. Yeah.

What woman can resist a sale?

Well,

at least one of us is having a lark, huh?

Hoo -ah!

Then I spent three years flying relief missions for the Peace Corps. Wait,

wait. I'm confused. Was this before or after your years at the Sorbonne?

I gave up sculpting to become a pilot.

Jackson, that is one impressive life story.

Did I mention to you that I participated in Hands Across America?

Both hands.

Well, just one, because the guy on my right was sweaty, so I just, you know.

I have a question for you. How come we have to keep our seats in the upright

position for landing?

It's FAA regulations.

That's stupid.

I mean, what's the difference? Like, upright, reclined.

Upright, reclined.

Like, that's going to make a difference if we crash.

Live, die.

You are very funny.

Thank you.

No, it's so rare to find a funny woman who is as beautiful as you are.

Very, very rare.

Well, I got to be honest with you. My career is pretty much stalled.

My looks.

Well, have you ever seen perfect strangers?

Balky, in my dreams, Balky.

Cousin Larry.

Actually, I'm not nearly that handsome.

So, what do you think?

Great. Eight o 'clock it is.

Bye -bye.

Things are going great with William. Last night we went to his grief therapy

group. It was fun.

Hey, did I mention that Jackson volunteers at an orphanage? Yes, you

it. We know about the orphanage, the flying, the sculpting, the cure for

Now, the FDA hasn't approved anything yet.

But the man is perfect.

Well, and nobody is perfect.

Jackson is.

That's his name, you know, Jackson Perfect.

You're in for a rude awakening.

I found Mr.

Perfect. I found Mr.

Perfect. There's no such thing.

I found Mr.

Perfect. Going out with Mr. Perfect.

There's no such thing.

He's perfect.

He's perfect.

There's got to be something wrong.

I haven't titled it yet.

I was thinking, perhaps, When Ellen Smiles.

Hey,

these are fantastic photographs. Where'd you find them?

I took them.

Just a hobby, really.

Although that one was a Life magazine cover.

Why don't we move over to the couch here and finish off that wine?

It's perfect.

Did you bottle it yourself?

No, but I've had it for ten years.

I've been waiting for a special occasion.

I have a canned ham I've probably had that long.

Next time you come over to my place, we'll break it out.

You have the prettiest eyes.

You don't like the way I kiss?

The way you kiss? No.

I like it.

I really do.

You kiss perfect.

So, how do I look?

Dorky. What's with the tie?

Got a job interview.

Oh, then you look great.

What do you mean Jackson kisses weird?

He kisses weird. Not bad, really.

Okay, bad. Really, really bad.

Describe it.

Well, he moves his mouth all the way to the side like this, like...

It's like making out with Popeye.

And then he does this weird teeth -tongue combo thing that... I don't

broke up with this unbelievably gorgeous guy because of bad kissing.

I can't imagine breaking up with a gorgeous woman because she doesn't kiss

A gorgeous woman is kissing me.

That's good.

Well, it doesn't work that way. Kissing is key.

A good kiss should be tender but not feathery.

Moist but not sloppy.

Hard but not too rough.

Sensual but not too tonguey. One kiss has to be all those things?

Boy, all this time I've only concentrated on the big stuff.

Wait a minute, Ellen. We had one date. We kissed.

What did you think?

We kissed?

You don't remember?

Oh, man.

We had no chemistry. I remember the whole night thinking this is the

of a beautiful platonic relationship.

You could always teach Jackson how to kiss.

Yeah, no. Only women with accents can get away with that stuff.

Well, now I will teach you how to kiss.

Oh, yes, good.

That's how we get sweeties.

No, no, no, no, no. Not like the Popeye. He's not sexy.

Open, open.

Like this.

Yeah, that'll work.

That was a terrific dinner, wasn't it? Oh, yeah.

Can't remember the last time he ate that much garlic.

I only hope the anchovies balance it out.

I bet my breath is ferocious.

I'll be the judge of that.

I'm having a great time tonight, Ellen.

Me too.

Why don't we, uh...

Relax.

Put on some music and... Play chess. Good idea.

Work off some of that dinner.

Your move.

Let's play chess some other time.

by their kitchen. For instance, gourmet cookbook, gourmet cook.

Look at all these pots.

They're so shiny.

I can see myself.

Hi, Ellen. Hi, Ellen.

Hi, Ellen.

Quick, what popular Happy Days character am I?

I don't know about this, Jackson.

Don't worry. I'm not trying to rush things. I mean, we can just kiss and

for a while.

Kissing, cuddling. You know, women hate that stuff.

Can't we just have sex?

Do you know what the key to a good relationship is?

No. It's honest communication.

You know, you can kiss, kiss, kiss, but if you don't talk, talk, talk, you don't

get anywhere. All we've done is talk.

Well, I read somewhere once in a Dr. Joyce Brothers column. Today, as a

of fact. That's how topical it is.

that if your partner is doing something you don't like, you should tell him. Not

that you're my partner.

Partner, ha! Sounds like we're in a big square dance or something, you know. Bow

to your partner.

What do you think?

You lost me.

Well, how about I tell you something that bothers me, and then you tell me

something, and then we just keep going until everything's out in the open.

I don't know about this. Oh, come on.

I'll start.

I'm a little intimidated by all your awards and successes and hobbies.

There, your turn.

What's the point of this? It's good. It's communication.

Come on, there must be something about me that bothers you.

There's nothing.

What am I, Miss Perfect?

Come on, one thing. Just tell me one thing. All right, all right.

Well, your feet.

My feet? What's wrong with them?

Well, they're too big.

I do feel better.

That's been bugging me since the night we met.

What do you mean they're too big?

They're huge.

Wide, too.

I believe I know my feet and they're neither of those things. Oh, my God,

they're like clown feet.

And you know, when you walk, you clomp on them. Really, you clomp, clomp,

My feet? How about your Popeye kisses?

You kiss like Popeye.

It's like you're waiting for somebody to pour in a big can full of spinach.

Ellen, that's just pathetic. I mean, I bring up one minor physical flaw and you

invent something to get back at me. I have been dwelling on your kisses for

days. Ask my friends. I've lost sleep about this.

Well, so have I. I had a nightmare that you were stomping on me.

Oh, yeah, well, you should have put it in your ass. You're so nutty for little

feet. Not little feet. Human feet. Believe me.

I'm far more troubled that you can't take the slightest criticism without

becoming enraged. I was willing to overlook your colossal feet.

They are not colossal feet. Look at them. Ellen, I'm begging you, put that

on.

I've always liked my feet. They're perfectly normal feet.

Jeez, Ellen.

Put those things away. You're scaring the customers.

Teasing. That Jackson guy was obviously nuts.

Yeah.

So, how's it going with William?

Never better. Last night?

Twice. Wow, what a man.

No, no, no. He only called me Beth twice.

Refill? Um, yeah,

I guess so.

I am just so bad at making decisions.

I find your honesty so disarming, Adam. Most men can't admit to any fault.

Well, I'm even honest to a fault.

The truth is, I'm just not smart enough to come up with lies.

Maybe if I, you know, worked out more, I'd have the energy for it, but I kid

myself.

Don't stop.

I don't know what else to say.

You'd think someone balding as fast as I am would compensate by being a smooth

talker, but not me.

I am five years away from a bad comb -over.

If only the hair on my back were on my head.

I have wonderful news. Holly, this is Beth.

Beth?

It's so nice to meet you.

I can't thank you enough for the changes in William.

He's like a new man.

We're getting back together.

Holly, you're the greatest.

Thanks.

Well, you know, you may have enjoyed the personal ad experience, but I did not.

And from now on, I am only going to meet nice, normal people under nice, normal

circumstances like here at the bookstore.

Excuse me.

I couldn't help but overhear you talking about your feet.

And I just have to say, I think they're lovely.

Thank you. Oh, they're just so smooth and shapely. They're simply stunning.

Could I, uh...

Smell your shoes.

Okay, now do Injustice for All.

I'm out of order.

You're out of order. This whole courtroom is out of order.

That's pretty good. I can top that.

Godfather 3.

Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.