Original subtitles

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for

you may not be right for some.

A man is born, he's a man of means.

Then along come two, they got nothing but the genes. But they got different

strokes to take, different strokes to take, different strokes to move the

Everybody's got a special kind of story.

Everybody finds a way to shine.

It don't matter that you got not a lot. So what? I'll have theirs, you'll have

yours, and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine. Different strokes to move the world. Different

strokes to move the world.

Hi, Kimberly, Arnold, Willis. Morning. Aw, Daddy, I said I'd make breakfast

while Mrs. Garrett was away.

Well, I thought I'd give you a little surprise.

Oh, thanks for having mercy on our stomachs.

Why are you always knocking my cooking?

You mean you've never tasted it?

Hey, gang, how about helping me set the table? Kimberly?

Arnold, will you put away that postcard Ruthie sent you? I think you must have

read that eight times. Eleven.

Arnold can't get over that pipe, she says.

Oh, I miss you, Arnold.

You're adorable.

You've been reading my mail.

We couldn't help it, Arnold. It's a postcard. Yep.

If you had any class, you wouldn't look.

But, Daddy, all the writing's out in the open.

So is the writing on the subway walls, but I don't read it.

I do.

Oh, so that's how you've been developing such an interesting vocabulary.

Let's eat, said Willis.

Quickly changing the subject.

Hold it.

Hold it. Nobody until my guest gets here.

We'll need another place, Kimberly. Sure. Who's your guest, Daddy?

He's a friend of mine from the club, Ted Green.

He's picking me up to play tennis.

You're going to play tennis in that outfit?

Is it mixed double?

Don't worry. I only wear this when I serve.

You get it?

See, you serve in tennis and you serve food.

Forget it, said Daddy Drummond, quickly changing the subject.

Well, I think you better get rid of the apron.

Yeah, but make sure you got your shorts on underneath.

All right, you clown. Save your jokes for Ted Green.

Maybe he'll put you on television.

Hey, is that your friend who runs a big TV station?

That's him.

Oh, yeah.

He put on some great shows.

One of them got canceled before the first commercial.

You know, I love watching the Johnny Carson show.

Could Mr.

Green give me his autograph?

Hold it.

Johnny Carson is away past your bedtime.

Strike that question.

All right, from now on, it's lights out right after the cartoons. Right after

the pig says... No

eating, anybody.

Good morning, Ted.

Well, that's a cute outfit, Mrs. Garrett.

Listen, even with this apron on, I can still beat you six love, six love.

Truthfully, I should have canceled our game altogether, having a lot of

with my highest -rated daytime show.

Yeah, I know. I've seen it.

I know it's a soap opera, Ted, but really, how much trouble can you heap

one person?

I mean, amnesia, a heart attack, diabetes, amputation.

And after all that, you gave her hemorrhoids.

Oh, she can take it. She's only 16.

No, my problem isn't with the soap opera. It's my talk show, New York Live.

The host wants to quit. Well, listen, come and have something to eat. I hate

see you have a heartburn on an empty stomach.

Oh, meet my family. This is Kimberly, Arnold, and Willis. This is Mr. Green.

Hi. How you doing, Mr. Green?

Sure, nice meeting you kids.

Phil, I hope you don't mind. I left your number with my office in case they want

to get a hold of me. Fine. We're desperately trying to get a new host for

talk show.

Talk show?

Hey, how about... I wrote this for him, Mr. D. He'd be terrific for the show.

Arnold, that's a wonderful idea.

Larry Alder.

He would be just terrific for your show, Ted.

Larry Alder? Yeah.

Why is that name so familiar?

Well, he had a very successful radio talk show in L .A. before he moved to

Portland, Oregon.

Of course, I remember him. He used to close his show by saying, I do it

But he is a terrific guy, and he'd be a new face at your station.

A new face.

I like that.

Good thinking, Arnold.

Yeah, that's a wonderful idea, man. You can be proud of yourself, Arnold. Yeah.

It's not nice to brag, but as long as somebody does it for me, I guess it's

okay.

Ted, why don't I call Larry right now and just see if he's interested?

Fine. Do that. Okay, go ahead and eat, kids. Oh, my stomach thought you'd never

ask.

Let's see. It's 9 o 'clock here, huh? Mm -hmm. That's 6 in the morning in

Portland. Well, this is important.

Hello? Hi, Larry. It's Phil.

Who? Phil.

Phil Drummond. I'm calling from New York.

Are you out of your mind, Phil?

You know what time it is?

It's... It's...

It's

six in the morning.

My hair is still asleep.

Listen, Larry.

Wake up your hair.

This is very important. It's about taking over a talk show in New York.

Thanks, Phil, but listen, I gave up a big radio show in L .A. to come here.

Fresh air, no pressure, nice people.

I've had it with big city life.

This isn't radio, Larry. This is television, big -time TV.

Television?

That's right.

We may soon be hearing, Here's Larry.

Has a nice ring to it.

I don't know, though, Phil.

What's the matter with you, Larry? Don't you think you're as good as Mike and

Merv and Johnny, huh?

Why drag the Pointer Sisters into this?

He really is funny, Ted.

Who are you talking to, Phil?

Well, that's Ted Green, my friend here. He's the man who wants you to come to

New York.

Ted Green, the big TV honcho, the biggest exec in television, the one

always writing about?

That's the one.

Never heard of him.

Listen, Larry, don't blow this opportunity. It's too good.

Yeah, you may be right.

I know I am. And listen, bring the kids along.

I'm sure Ted will pick up the tab.

Yeah. Oh, and bring your producer Morgan, too.

No? Larry, is Morgan still as pretty as ever?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll put Ted on.

Ted Green, Larry Alder.

Hello, Larry.

Hi there, Ted.

Larry, can you come to New York immediately?

Sure. Oh, that'll be great.

Listen, don't worry about the expenses. I'll take care of everything as long as

you fly tourist and stay at a cheap hotel.

He laughed. He does have a sense of humor.

All right, then. I'm looking forward to seeing you here in New York, Larry, and

I'll fill you in on all the details when you get here.

Mr. Green, can I talk to Ruthie, please?

Say hi for me, Arnold. Me too.

Larry, don't hang up yet. Arnold wants to talk to Ruthie.

Sure thing, Ted. Good talking to you. You too.

Ruthie!

You're not Ruthie. You're Diane.

Diane?

That's right.

Hey, what's all the yelling about? I'm trying to study for my exams.

At six in the morning?

Dad, my midterm exams start tomorrow, and I haven't studied all year. I've got

to start sometime.

Well, I'm very proud of you, honey, for not waiting until the last minute.

It's Arnold, Ruthie. Arnold?

Yeah. Calling from New York. Hi, chubby cheeks.

I can't stop!

Arnold, don't yell.

I have to!

It's long distance!

No, Arnold, I can hear you. How are you?

Hi!

And, uh, Willis and Kimberly said hi, and are you gonna come to New York with

your father?

Well, I didn't know he was going to New York. Don't you two ever talk?

Well, sure. I mean, just last week I said to him, where's my allowance?

a postcard and I was going to write you a long letter.

What? Yeah, but now that I got you on the phone, I can just tell you that long

letter. Just a second, I'll get a check.

No, no, no, no, no, no, you don't.

Just say goodbye, Arnold.

Goodbye, Arnold.

I mean, Ruth.

You can do all the talking you want when she gets here.

Oh, that's okay.

You know what, Willis? She'll probably be real pleased with me for thinking up

the idea of getting her father out here. Yeah.

Maybe she'll give you a big kiss.

No way.

These lips are reserved for sipping, munching, and whistling.

Daddy, can we come to the airport with you to pick up the Alders?

Oh, I don't think there's enough room in our car.

See, there's Larry and Ruthie and Diane and his producer Morgan, all their

luggage, and us.

Arnold doesn't have to sit. We can dangle with him.

Son of a gun. Big love.

Son of a gun. Big love. Son of a gun.

Dorothy, where's Diane?

Oh, she had an exam. She couldn't come.

I was just about to leave to pick you up at the airport. We caught an earlier

plane. I'm sorry that you had to take a taxi.

Well, that's okay.

It was 22 bucks with the tip.

What tip?

If you were watching, smarty pants, I gave the man 35 cents.

Diamond Jim Brady lives.

We are delighted that you're all going to stay with us.

Oh, gee, I don't know, Phil. I mean, take a look at this place.

Mr. Green said we were supposed to stay in a cheap hotel. I don't think we can

afford these rates.

You don't have to worry, you know. I take credit cards.

How about a discount for cash?

Okay, kids, everybody help with the luggage, huh?

You'll be in Mrs. Garrett's room, Morgan. She's away. Ruthie, you'll be in

room. I'll be right back. Okay.

There we go. I'll help you out with your luggage here, Ruthie.

Boy, you got some heavy underwear.

How'd a man handle that blood?

Works every time.

You know, this is some place you got here, Phil.

If God had money, he'd live like this.

Son of a gun. You big lug.

I think they're going through the second childhood.

Yeah, I better order in some Pampers.

Hey, you're bunking in with me, buddy.

Let's go. Oh, Phil, listen.

I get kind of a bad back. Could you help me with the bag? Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Works every time.

Isn't it terrific, Ruthie?

Isn't what terrific, Arnold?

Well, if your father gets that job, you'll move here and live in New York

never go back to Portland.

Yeah.

And you know what?

It was all my idea.

Your idea?

Yep. I was the one that told Mr. Green about your dad.

You mean you thought up this whole thing?

All by myself.

Thanks a lot, Arnold.

Oh, sure.

You just ruined my life.

Well, it's after my father's audition tomorrow. They'll probably offer him a

contract with a lot of money, and then he'll become rich and famous, and it'll

be all your fault.

Well, excuse me.

Maybe I can come up with another idea that'll make him a broken -down whiner.

You don't understand.

You see, Portland's the only place I want to live for the rest of my life.

Well, how long...

That'll be.

I don't know.

Until I'm an old lady, I guess.

Well, move to New York. You'll be an old lady much faster.

But all my friends are in Portland. I mean, there's Tracy and Bitsy and

They all sound like breakfast cereals.

Well, anyway, me and Kimberly and Willis will be your friends.

Well, I know, Arnold, and I like you guys being my friends.

But Portland's my home, and I don't want to move away.

Moving isn't hard.

We moved from Harlem and I got used to Park Avenue overnight.

This is different, Arnold. I mean, it'd be moving to a whole other city.

We've even been saving to buy a house in Portland.

I don't want to live in New York.

Look, you could be a beautiful new worm in the Big Apple.

This is where the action is.

Nothing ever happens in Portland.

Oh, yeah?

We used to have been there last year when they had the big rancid butter

scandal.

I'll just have to wait and see what happens with Dad, I guess.

Well, look on the bright side.

If your father gets that job, maybe he'll get fired.

No, Arnold. Daddy will double -cross us and be a hit.

Sorry, Ruthie. I thought it'd make you happy.

Oh, it's okay, Arnold.

And it does make me happy in the end that you did it just so you could see

I mean, well, I... I love you for it.

Don't take it the wrong way, man. I love you, too.

I understand.

Hey, you've got a good idea.

Why don't we go tell your dad how you feel?

No. No way. I absolutely forbid it. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea.

Arnold, you've got to promise not to say a word to anybody.

I don't want anything getting in the way of my father's career.

I'll just have to suffer in silence for the rest of my life.

Betty Davis and Dark Victory.

Dark Victory?

I didn't know Betty Davis was one of my people.

Lucy, I'll show you our room now. Oh, thanks.

Listen, my room's really terrific, and Mrs. Garrett must be a wonderful cook.

Oh, she is.

How did you know?

Well, who else would have a statue of Julia Child with a clock in the stomach?

Oh, Ruthie, you're just going to love living in New York.

Uh -oh.

What's that supposed to mean, Arnold?

Oh, nothing. I just always, uh -oh, when there's guests in the house.

You're a strange little kid.

Come on, Ruthie.

Come, Arnold.

Hi,

Daddy. Hi, Mr. Drummond.

Bill,

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I can only sleep on the left side.

Well, I have the same problem.

Just try the right one night. It won't work. You try sleeping on the right.

Listen, for the sake of the children, why don't you two see a marriage

counselor?

Wallace, I need to talk to you. It's me.

That's enough combing. You'll be the only bald kid in the ninth grade.

Okay, Arnold.

What do you want?

Well, I need your advice.

Okay, little brother.

Step right up here to the advice department, okay?

Lay it on me. Well, I can't mention any names, but one person did something

wrong to the other person, even though they wanted to help the other person,

the other person knows that the other person really doesn't mean it, and the

other person feels awful.

Okay, Arnold.

What'd you do wrong?

How did you know it was me?

Because if there's any trouble laying around, you're the first person to step

it. Well, just in case you made a good guess, what do you do if you did

something you're sorry for? Easy.

Just undo it.

But how do you undo it when you just did it?

What I mean is, whatever you made happen, I just make the opposite happen.

The opposite, huh?

You got it.

Sounds pretty good to me.

I hope I grow up to be as smart as you someday.

Nothing's impossible.

You know, all that combing sure sharpens your head.

You mean my brain.

No, I mean your head.

When I agreed to this...

I thought it was an audition, not an actual show.

I mean, I never should have said yes.

Look, with all my years in radio, I never worked in front of a live

Except once, when I did a eulogy for a big funeral.

Probably get about as many laughs today.

I never should have said yes to this.

Now, look, Larry, relax.

You're going to do just fine.

Sure you are.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

What's 300 people?

Forget the 300 people, right?

Right. Right.

You got millions out there watching you.

Millions. Millions. Thanks a lot. My heart just dropped into my jockey

Oh, Larry, Morgan didn't mean that. Mean what?

Well, that you should be nervous because there are millions of people watching

or your career could be on the line or that it's live TV and you really make a

fool of yourself. Somebody stop me.

Where did you study psychology?

Devil's Island?

Larry, you're going to knock him dead. The rehearsal was sensational.

I never should have agreed to all this. What are you talking about? You're going

to be great. Who is that lovely person?

Philip Drummond.

Just trying to lighten the mood here.

I'm Morgan Winslow, Mr. Green, and I produce Larry's radio show in Portland,

I'd certainly love to produce his TV show. Now, I've been watching everything

all day here, and I'm a fast learner.

I'd sure like to discuss your fast learning over my expense account some

I'd love to.

I am dying, and they are playing the dating game.

Larry, don't be nervous just because Meadowlark Lemon hasn't shown up yet.

My special guest hasn't shown up yet. Thanks, Ted. He needed that.

Well, there's nothing to worry about. He'll be here. And when he comes, he'll

just as smooth off the basketball court as he is on. Hey, Mr. Green, how about

watching the show with me in the booth? Well, thank you. Trying to keep Larry

from being nervous is making me nervous.

Here's your coffee, you big lug.

Thanks a bunch.

I never should have agreed to all this. With all your friends, you had to call

me.

Did Milhoff let me get here yet?

Yet too, Rufus.

What did you hear about that?

When Dave Manion was showing us around the studio. We heard it in the booth.

Mr. Arnold looks all right to me.

Well, now, what does that mean, Arnold?

Well, in the booth, they said he was falling apart.

No, he isn't, kids.

Well, I stood up for you, Daddy. I told him you always look like you're falling

apart.

That's my little confidence builder.

Look, Larry has a right to be concerned. If Meadowlark Lemon doesn't get here,

well, it's going to be some show. Larry will be out there all by himself, nobody

to talk to, egg all over his face, and then let's get out of here.

No, no.

You stay.

I'll get out of here.

Larry, you are going to be great.

I really mean that.

I'm rooting for you. You're going to do just fine.

Okay, thanks, Phil.

Okay. Wish me luck, kids.

Come on, kids. Let's get to our seat before the show starts.

I think I'll watch Daddy from here, Mr. Lemon. I'll stay with her, then. Okay.

Do you hear what Mr. D says?

If Meadowlark Lemon doesn't show up, they'll call a show off. And then you'll

get what you want. You won't have to move here.

No chance.

Here he comes.

Okay, Mr. Lemon. Your dressing room is right there.

Say, man, I'm sorry I'm late.

No problem. You still got a few minutes. I got held up in a crowd signing

autographs. Takes long when I have to beg them.

Hi, kids.

Hi. Want my autograph?

No.

What about a basketball?

Sure.

as your fingers.

Nothing wrong with being short, kid.

A wise man said that to me. Who?

Will Chamberlain.

No way to show you're called out now, Arnold.

Yes, there is.

All I need is some hammer and nails.

I'll nail his door shut.

Arnold, don't be ridiculous.

Well, we could get a pickup, tie it to the dressing room,

and launch it into the moon. Now you give me the idea, kid.

Arnold, I know you mean well, but I don't want my father to bomb out and be

embarrassed. You understand, don't you?

Yeah, I guess.

I'll just give Mr. Lemon his ball back.

Got your suit here, Mr. Lemon?

I'm on the phone. Hang on.

Now, Arnold, see that Mr. Lemon gets this, will you? You have to work for the

show.

Okay. Thank you.

You did, big mouth.

Okay, quiet please, and

here we go, Mr. Alder, in five, four, three, two... Hi there,

and welcome to New York Live.

My name is...

My name is Larry Alder, and if my face seems strange to you, don't let it

you. It had the same effect on my mother.

I'm new here in New York, and frankly, I love it.

The people here are very friendly.

Just the other day in the airport, a gentleman offered to carry my wallet for

me.

And I said, no, thank you, and he immediately put it back into my pants.

I don't mean to imply that there's a lot of... crime in New York, but while

taking a tour through the New York harbor, I did see two guys trying to mug

Statue of Liberty.

One guy yelled, hey, I got the purse, you get the torch.

We've got a really great show for you today.

We have as our guest that clown prince of basketball, Mr. Meadowlark Lemon.

We have Dr.

Catherine Watkins, the author of a bestseller who's going to discuss her

with us.

And now I'd like you to meet our first guest, a man who is starting a new

religion here in the New York area, Mr. Carl Sabicki.

Well, it's nice to meet you, Carl.

A lot of people can't wear a chicken suit.

Before we get smothered in feathers, why don't you just sit down and we'll have

at it.

One minute to your spot, Mr. Lemon.

One minute.

What about my suit?

Oh, no, Arnold. What did I just tell you? Now you ruined the show for

my father.

What? He slept on the ball.

What happened? Somebody get a long stretcher. I'll get Dr. Walker. I didn't

to slam, Donkey, Mr. Lemon.

Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Mr. Say Vicky. It's been a

real pleasure talking to you.

He's actually molting all over the stage.

In any event, now for our super special guest, a giant among athletes and a

giant among clowns and a giant on the basketball court, Mr.

Meadowlark Lemon.

Gee, Mr. Lemon, I thought you'd be much taller.

There's been an accident, Mr. Alder. Mr. Lemon tripped over his basketball.

Was he hurt?

Oh, boy.

We just got the sign from backstage, folks, so if any luck at all, Mr. Lemon

should be out here in a minute or two.

In the meantime... In the meantime...

Hey, Arnold, as long as you're out here, why don't I interview you for the

audience? Audience?

Who'd you talk about, Mr. Arnold?

Um, that audience, Arnold.

Mouse, don't fail me now.

For those of you folks who just tuned in, I've been talking with my little pal

here, Arnold Jackson, who's filling in for Meadowlark Lemon.

Am I still on TV?

Yeah, but don't worry about it, pal. I mean, it's, you know, perfectly natural

for someone who's facing the cameras for the first time to be a little weak in

the knees.

Oh, my knees are okay, since I'm not too sure about my bladder.

you what then you just sit back and relax and and i'll bring out our next

okay ladies and gentlemen a nice warm round of applause for our next guest uh

lady who wrote this book a doctor discusses living dr uh katherine watkins

but I think the tree is trying to tell me something.

What is it, tree?

Dr. Watkins is taking care of Metal Lark Lemon.

Thank you, tree.

Well, it looks like Dr.

Watkins can't be out here either.

Oh, boy.

Listen, just for the heck of it, how many of you folks out there would like

meet the tree?

Ladies and gentlemen, this tree is none other than my youngest daughter, Ruthie

Alder. Come on out, Ruthie.

Sit down, okay?

Oh, okay.

There you go.

Charlie, how much time do I have to fill? Eleven minutes.

Eleven minutes.

Oh, that's great.

Eleven minutes to fill and my television career is at stake and my only guests

are a former tree and a questionable bladder.

Please, don't turn off your steps, folks, because my dad is very funny and

knows a lot of great jokes.

Like dad goes, um, George Washington crossed the Delaware twice without

bath. He was a dirty double crosser.

How much time left now, Charlie?

Doki, tell you what, we'll take a little break here for a commercial and be

right back with more of the best of Larry Alder.

Okay, all clear.

Look, you guys stay here. I'm going to go see how middle arc is.

Hi. Good, you're okay. How's your head?

Fine. The doctor told me to stay off it for a while.

Think you're in shape to go out?

Sure, coach. I get those points back.

What points?

Well, I'll drive in for a lift, get you a couple of slam dunks.

We'll blow the Lakers right off the court.

Look at the pretty birds.

Oh, boy, you're in bigger trouble than I am.

Everything's working out great, Ruthie. Your father's going right down the

drain, and you're going right back to Portland.

Well, I don't want my dad to go down the drain, Arnold. I mean, this is his big

champ. You want to go back to Portland, don't you?

Well, of course I do.

But I still want Dad to get the job. I mean, even if I don't want Dad to get

job, because if Dad gets the job, then he'll be happy, then I'll be happy.

Except I won't be happy for me, I'll be happy for him.

As long as he's happy, okay?

I forgot the question.

Stand by, Mr. Alder.

Okay.

Okay, here we go again, kids.

Five, four, three, two... Hi, and welcome back to New York Live.

Uh, seated next to me are my daughter, Ruthie, and her friend, Arnold. Hi.

Hi. And, uh, this is Ruthie and Arnold's first appearance on television.

Seated next to them is Larry Alder, who is making his last appearance on

television.

Oh, that's a funny one, Dad. You're gonna be a big hit, isn't he, folks?

That's my daughter.

That's my pop.

I'm not a relative.

Uh, well, now that, uh... I'm out here on my own with Ken and Barbie.

I guess we really don't need the questions from Middleark Lemon and Dr.

Hey, I'll tell you what. I think we got a little something better here. We've

got two terrific, interesting, intelligent kids.

Where?

Right here.

Arnold, listen.

Now, if you could live in any city in the world, what city would it be?

New York.

Why would you want to live there?

Because all my clothes are there.

Well, so much for Arnold. Ruthie, how do you feel about New York?

Oh, it's great, Dad.

Oh, I got a joke.

Did you ever hear the one about the one -armed fisherman?

He caught a fish.

This big.

I got another fish joke, Dad. Honey, let's just get back to the questions,

Now, Arnold, what would you like to be when you grow up?

Well, I was thinking of being a talk show host just like you. Thank you.

today.

See, I told you, he's a pretty smart kid.

Ruthie, how about you?

Oh, I think maybe I'd like to be a ballerina. Or maybe a quarterback for

Pittsburgh Steelers.

What's so funny?

You a quarterback?

Women ain't built for quarterbacking.

I said I was intelligent.

Let me just ask you something.

Now, if women aren't built for quarterbacking, right, what are women

I'm too young to answer that.

Boy, Arnold, I'm not going to marry anybody like you.

I think a woman could be a good quarterback out on the field and a good

the bedroom.

Uh, Ruthie, do you have another fish joke?

Ah, heavens to Betsy, there's our theme.

Saved by the old theme. So you folks will have to wait a while to hear the

fish joke.

Anyway, will Ruthie Alder find happiness in the huddle of the Pittsburgh

Steelers? Will Arnold Jackson find happiness and know what a woman is built

And will Larry Alder find an audience that has been as wonderful and warm as

people? Hey, take care and love each other, all right?

Wonderful. Morgan, just book reservations for the first flight to

before they run me out of town.

No, it wasn't that bad, Larry. Come on. In fact, it was sort of very good.

Just to be on the safe side, I'll book a flight for tomorrow.

I wouldn't book those reservations just yet if I were you. Larry, you were

great. Like in terrific? Like in sensational?

Like I got the job? Yes. Hey, wonderful. Believe it. Boss, it all depends on how

well you're doing the testing.

Testing? Morgan, what are you doing for dinner tonight?

Oh, well, I, uh... Listen, Mr. Green, I'm not busy.

We could go to dinner and talk about the testing.

Well, we're going to run the show for a cross -section audience this evening,

and if they like it, you're in.

Stay by the phone.

finish that dumb testing by now. Yeah, I should have finished that dumb testing

by now.

I wonder why Mr. Green hasn't called yet. Yeah, I wonder why Mr. Green hasn't

called yet.

Ruthie, will you and little Sareko knock it off?

Well, we're just trying to help you worry, Dad.

Honey, I don't need any help. I'm doing a great job all by myself.

Arnold, he's gonna get the job.

I just feel it in my...

I'm never going to see Portland again.

I'm the one to blame.

Yeah?

When Mr. Green said he needed a host for New York Live, I just shouldn't have

said to get your father.

It's all my fault.

Sure is. You don't have to agree with me.

Waiter.

Stepping out, Mr. D?

Going out on the town.

Boy, you are some friend, Phil.

While I'm sitting here sweating out my career, you're going to go out and have

ball. I am your friend. I'm doing this for you.

I mean, won't you feel a lot better sitting around waiting, knowing that

one of us is having a lousy time?

No. I knew you'd understand.

Well, good evening, gentlemen.

I'm ready, Phil.

Morgan, you look beautiful.

Phil, you're going out with Morgan. I know.

Morgan, you're going out with Phil.

I know.

Together? All evening?

Except when I go to the ladies' room.

Hey.

Yeah, I'm not breaking up something here, am I?

Well, of course not.

I mean, do you date Morgan?

Are you two going together?

Hey.

You and Morgan, uh... No.

Never. Never.

Well, you really do need help.

Down we go, my dear.

John, resident.

Yes, he is.

It's Mr. Green.

Hi, Mr. Green.

How'd the testing go?

Uh -huh.

They like Arnold?

And Ruthie did great. That's swell.

Fish story was a big boffo.

Look, Mr.

Green, how about the other fella?

The tall one with the boyish charm?

What?

Hey, that's great news, Mr. Green.

Right.

Hey, folks.

You're looking at the next host of New York Live.

Oh,

Morgan.

I'm sorry.

You're going to be the producer.

This calls for a celebration. Right. We'll go out and celebrate. Bye, Larry.

Shouldn't we take him along?

Just to pay the check?

Good thinking.

Honey, we'll do our celebrating tomorrow.

And don't forget, Kimberly's in charge.

Good night, Ruthie. Good night, Arnold.

You look terrific, Morgan.

Yeah, yeah.

But you sure don't look like no quarterback.

Good night. I'm real happy for you, Dad.

Have a good time. Yeah. Good night, guys.

Hey,

Ruthie.

I'm sorry.

I know.

Diane, did you hear what I just said?

Yeah, I heard you.

Dad got the job.

Well, yeah.

Isn't that terrific?

We're gonna live right here in the Big Apple, in New York City.

And they got millions of people right on the block, Diane.

Oh, it's terrific.

Four blocks down, there's even a tree.

Lucy, what's wrong?

Well, nothing's wrong.

I know you.

When you get that squeaky sound in your voice, you're miserable.

Okay, something's wrong.

I think I'm gonna die.

My life is over.

Now you sound more like yourself.

You should see how excited Dad is.

So we can't tell him how we feel, okay?

Yeah, but I don't want to leave Portland. I mean, I'm practically going

with four guys.

Well, how about me?

We have to change schools again. Just when I got my math teacher in my hip

pocket. You gonna tell Dad that?

No.

What am I gonna tell him?

He'll think of something. You're the con artist in this family.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

Here they come. They'll call you tomorrow. I love you. Goodbye.

Hey,

look who we ran into at Papa Leone's.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, Ruthie, Ben O 'Lark's going to open a sporting goods store in Portland.

Hey, no kidding.

Yeah, and on opening day, we're going to sell basketballs with my autographs for

$8 .95.

Without my autograph... $9 .95.

Hey, listen, hey. Speaking of Portland, the lieutenant and I are just about to

do our famous victory routine.

Head for the hills. We're going to do one of the army routines. Hold it.

Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated.

Lieutenant. Sergeant.

Shine on, shine on.

Up in the sky.

Hello, curly -headed stranger.

My name is Swami River. Want your palm read? I'd love it. You got it.

I ain't had no love since January, February, June, or July.

Some night. Some night.

Some moon.

Some moon.

Some do.

Some do, but I don't.

For me and my mood, for me and my mood, for me and my big lunch, son of a gun

gal. I thought

we did that terribly well. How about an encore?

No.

Okie dokie.

How about you, Metal Lark?

You sing one more, and I'm out the door.

Well, I think I'd better split, Larry.

Congratulations. Thank you. You too, Morgan. Thank you.

Hey, metal art.

Bye.

Bye.

Okay, now who's going to help me clean up?

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's past my bedtime.

Listen, I'll help Kimberly, although I am a big -time producer.

Well, good night, everybody.

Good night. Good night, Phil.

Listen, honey, it's getting pretty late. Time to get to set. Okay, Dad. Night,

you guys. Night.

Did you hear what he said?

That makes you a New Yorker, too, if you don't tell your dad how you feel right

now. No.

And if you tell him, well, I hope a lizard eats your gizzard and then a

eats your tail.

Good night.

Good night.

I'm sorry I clobbered your life.

That's okay, Arnold.

Hey, Arnold, are you all right?

Another night like this and I'll be gray before I'm ten.

Well, you want to tell me about it?

Yeah, but I can't tell anybody, especially Mr. Alder. Oh, why not?

Well, because I don't want no lizard chomping on my gizzards.

Hey, Arnold, you think Mr.

Alder's jealous because I was going out with Mr. Drummond? No.

Oh.

Well, is it something to do with Mr. Alder's TV show?

You could say that.

Ruthie's been awfully quiet.

Is it how the girls feel about it? You could say that.

They like the idea of living in New York, don't they? You could say that,

you'd be wrong.

Uh -oh.

That's it. They don't like it, do they? They don't want to leave Portland.

Now, how do you like that?

You guessed the whole thing, and I didn't have to say a word.

Hi. Oh, hi, Dad.

I just had a long talk with Morgan, who just had a short talk with Arnold.

Arnold? Don't listen to a word he said, Dad. We'll get to like New York. We'll

even learn the language.

Honey, sit down.

Look, I want to tell you a little secret.

Now... When this whole television host thing came up, I mean, I wasn't too

about the idea myself at first.

And then today, when I got in the studio and there was the audience and the

lights came on and the people started laughing and... Now, this may sound

but it gets to you.

Oh, I know, Dad.

It'll be great.

See, what I'm trying to tell you is, honey, that I know how you and Diane

about leaving and everything.

I mean, I know it. I understand it.

But you see, honey, you're 13 and your sister is 16 and you're just going to

have to make new friends.

Sure, Dad.

And you're going to love living in this city.

I'm going to get us a really fancy apartment.

A door with a whole bunch of locks on it.

Okay.

Of course, we'll have to make some adjustments. I mean, a big -time TV host

lot of work.

I won't be with you guys as much as I used to be.

I mean, you understand that?

Oh, sure, Dad.

I mean, you know, there's going to be writers' meetings, sessions with the

press, producers, stuff like that. There may be some Saturdays and Sundays when

you and Diane will even have to be by yourself.

I mean, those things happen.

Sure they do.

I'm really going to make it in the big time, honey.

I'm going to get what I've always wanted.

And I know it's going to be hard on you guys, but you'll adjust to it. You'll

see. I mean, really, honey, this is going to be the best thing that ever

happened to us.

Ruthie?

Yeah.

When I got the divorce from your mother in Los Angeles and I

left the radio show and all, what did I say?

You said you wanted to get away from the rat race.

Yeah.

Well, the rat is lining up at the starting line again.

I know, Dad.

I know. Believe me.

I got a great little radio show back there.

Two kids that I love.

All the time in the world I want to spend with them.

Honey? Hmm?

Let's go back home.

Oh, Dad.

Listen, I couldn't sleep. The truth has got to come out. I don't care what

happens to my gizzard. Arnold, Arnold.

Listen, pal, it's okay.

Morgan told me all about it.

We're going back to Portland. Isn't that great?

Wait, don't touch me, woman.

He doesn't mind being kissed by a quarterback.

Just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right. A man is born.

He's a man of means.

Then along come two. They got nothing but the genes.

But they got different strokes to take. Different strokes to move the world.

Different strokes to move the world. Different strokes to move the world.