Original subtitles

Hey, loser.

Get out. The Meteorology Club has very important matters to decide.

I think you should decide on stronger deodorant.

Guys, this is my sister Lauren. She'll be taking your order in about ten years.

Get out. I'm not going anywhere. I got here first.

Well, we have a big Meteorology Club meeting.

We have a budget surplus of $4 ,000 this year, and we're deciding how to use it.

You nerds have four grand?

That's right, baby. Four Gs.

And I'm guessing none of those Gs are girlfriends.

Ooh, chocolates. Can I have one?

Tina, because I love you, I'm going to warn you, you're about to lose that

Just back away.

Please?

These are Mommy's expensive candy that Daddy gets her once a year. They're very

special, and they're only for Mommy. You don't want anything this fancy.

Yes, I do.

Dad dropped some M &Ms on the floor of his car.

I'm on it.

Hey, Tina. Out of my way.

So, who's ready to go see Oprah?

I can't believe we're going to finally see her in person.

I am wearing the makeup she says to wear, the colors she says to wear, and

bra she says to wear.

Thanks to Oprah, I'm my own woman.

Finally going to experience the big O.

Probably been a while for you, huh, Linda?

Yeah, not like Judy who gets the big, oh, that's it.

I don't get this whole Oprah thing. All these women who can't get through a day

without her. It's like some sad addiction.

Why are you drinking two beers at 9 o 'clock in the morning?

I'm spending the day with my mom.

And we don't have three.

It's great to see you.

Let's hit the road.

There's a big sale on foundation garments. We need to get there before

queens.

I'm almost numb. I mean, ready.

Hey, Louise.

There's my beautiful daughter -in -law. I love you. And I love that purse.

Oh? Oh, well, I got it at the outlet store. Why don't you come shopping with

and I'll show you where?

Oh, I wish I could, but, uh...

Linda and I have other plans. We're going to see Oprah today.

Oprah?

Oprah Winfrey?

Good guess.

Oh, my God, I just love Oprah. I would just die if I got to see her show. Just

die!

That sounds great. Judy, why don't you take her?

We only have two tickets, unfortunately.

Oh, no, you just...

Order two?

Well, we ordered them six years ago. You didn't even live here back then. If we

had an extra ticket, you'd get it.

You're just saying that. You wouldn't want to spend the whole day with your

annoying old mother -in -law. Oh, don't be silly, Louise. That couldn't be

further from the truth. If I could take you, I definitely would.

Damn it!

You're not going to believe this. That was work. I can't go to Oprah.

You're going to have to give my ticket to somebody else.

You two have fun.

I'm still in love with you today because you make me happy.

Oh, Judy, this is so exciting. Thank you for taking me.

So, I guess you didn't want to spring for the good seats?

Louise, the seats are first come, first served. And we're back here because we

had to stop four times on the way over so that you could pee.

Sorry, it's from the medication.

Next time I'll hold it and wreak infection.

That's all I'm asking.

It's freezing in here.

Who's Oprah's guest today, a side of beef?

I told you to bring your sweater.

Well, I didn't know they were going to take my coat away like I'm a terrorist.

Judy, would you be a dear, please, and run to the car and get me my sweater?

No, not now, Louise. We just got here. I don't want to go all the way back to

the car.

Fine. But if we're going to brave these tender -like conditions, we'd better

share each other's bodily warmth.

I'll go get the sweater.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

I have a seat in there. Oh, I'm sorry.

Today I can't let you in until that red light goes off.

Okay, when does it go off? Right after the show's over.

What?

No. No, you have to let me in there. I've waited six years for this.

Oprah owes me.

I write books because of her. Thick books without pictures.

And I don't like to read.

I just keep people out when the red light is on.

So you're not the only one who goes home empty -handed. I'd like to give you

this complimentary mug.

That's very sweet of you.

What do you mean, so I'm not the only one who goes home empty -handed?

Oprah just gave everyone in the audience a new car.

I think this car is yours.

Well, Judy, Oprah gave it to me.

Oprah did not give it to you. She gave one to everyone in the audience where I

would have been if it weren't for you and your damn sweater. This car is mine.

Judy, be rational.

What if Oprah came over and didn't see the car in my driveway? What would I say

to her?

Oprah is not showing up at your door.

A week ago, you wouldn't have thought Oprah was going to give me a car.

But she did.

She does have a point, Judy, which I think is wrong. Mom!

Judy, this is my car.

Oprah wanted me to have it.

Although Johnny did buy me a new car a week ago, so I don't know where I'm

to park it. Wait, this is your second car in a month?

Yeah.

When you give to the world, it gives back. Give me the keys! Give me the

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

This is fixable, okay? What we have here is one car and two people who want it.

The obvious way to settle this, a bake -off.

Ladies, to your ovens, you have one hour.

Look, Louise, I know that deep down inside, you are a

decent person.

And maybe I overreacted, but I'm asking you to look inside your heart and listen

carefully to what it tells you to do.

It tells me to keep the car. Give me the keys! Give me the keys!

crazy take a breath and think about the best way to handle this you are

absolutely right I am going to kill your mother

and then I'm going to drive that car to her funeral

then you'd go to prison and while that's hot I don't know

where anything is around here

You need to fix this. This is ridiculous. She doesn't even need it.

brand -new cars, and I have one crappy minivan that's on its last legs.

Have you calmed her down, Billy?

You know what you need to do.

I'll leave you two alone.

Oh, she has got a lot of anger issues.

Maybe she should have gotten tickets to Dr. Phil.

You know, Mom, she does have a point. Those were her tickets, and she was nice

enough to share them with you.

That's true.

And you have a better life than her. I mean, you know, you have Johnny and the

dogs, and all she has is me and the kids.

Besides, you know, you really love Judy.

You're right, I do.

I suppose she does have some claim to that car.

Of course.

I think I can find it in my heart to give it to her. Of course.

On one condition.

Of course.

I want to hear from Judy that she loves me.

That's it?

That's it.

She just has to tell you that she loves you and you give her a car?

I just want to hear those words.

I said it to you when you were in the hospital and I got squat.

I recovered. That was my gift to you.

Yeah, thanks for that. I'll be right back.

This is good. This is very good.

The car is mine. Very close.

You just have to tell her you love her. If she hears that from you, she'll give

you the car.

That... That is really pathetic.

Forcing me to say I love her. Oh, come on, Judy. It's just words. You can say I

love you without meaning it. I do it all the time.

But not with you. With the kids.

Just I love you, that's it?

Well, I guess I could manage that.

I mean, I do feel love for her. You know, sometimes.

Maybe not now, but at some point.

Well, it's like you said. You know, I could fake it. Send her.

Great. Mom?

Yes?

Judy has something she'd like to say to you.

Really? Yes, please.

Something you want to hear from the heart.

Oh, Judy.

It means so much to me. Yep, Louise, I... By saying these words, you're

admitting that you've never appreciated anything I've done for you.

Okay, so anyway, I... And it's not just that you are so ungrateful, but you can

also be very cold.

But I've learned to accept that. That's just who you are.

Okay, Louise, could you just let me get this out? I'm so excited that you

finally... how horrible a person you've been to me all these years.

How mean and selfish and dismissive. Oh, and that temper.

Would you just shut up?

It's hardly a lead -in to I love you. Yeah, but it's a lead -in to I hate you

because I hate you, I hate you!

That's the exact opposite of I love you. So this rotten hell, you crazy old

lady!

She has a hard time expressing emotion.

So, we've narrowed down the choices on how to spend the $4 ,000 in the

Meteorology Club fund. They are a barometer for the clock tower or a state

-the -art weather balloon.

Have we totally ruled out cool leather jackets at the Meteorology Club?

I've created several possible logos.

Hey, boys.

Sorry we're late.

Late? Late for what?

The meeting.

We decided to join the meteorology club.

Hold on. Since when do you guys care about meteorology?

I love meteors.

And the study of their ology.

Meteorology is not about meteors. It's about weather. Nice try.

You guys seem to be the experts.

Maybe you could teach us about it.

We were just in the middle of deciding what to do with our money. It's between

barometer and a weather balloon.

How about a ski trip?

Ski trip sounds good.

Ooh, I'm hearing a lot of support for the ski trip.

I knew you were up to something, and we are not wasting our club money on a ski

trip. We'll also use some of the money to buy bathing suits for the resort hot

tub. Boo!

Sorry, Brian.

All right, I'm sorry, but as your president, I'm afraid I can't stand for

misuse of club funds. I'm going to have to invoke my... I move to impeach

President Brian Miller. All in favor?

Aye.

Kim. do that, it's against the rules. I move to change the rules. All in favor?

Aye. All in favor of him going quietly? Aye.

I would like to hear a little more about these bathing suits.

So there's no way you can give this another shot?

It's just I love you.

No. Like, it's not about that. She wants me to take the blame for all the bad

feelings between us over the past 19 years.

She wants to put my soul in a little jar on her mantle.

You can go next to mine.

Listen, deep down, you really do love her.

I know I'd love to see her torn apart by bears.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

Just say the word and I'll reserve the campsite. No, now, tell her you'd love

see her torn apart by bears, but only say the words, I love you, out loud.

So she thinks you really love her, but in your heart, you know hers is being

eaten by a grizzly.

That's a nice thought.

But no, no, I'm not going to stoop to her level with some underhanded trick. I

don't need the stupid car.

Oh,

so not fair!

She can't win!

She cannot win!

Hello, my little Billy Willie.

Judy. Hey, Louise.

So I'm told you have something to say to me.

I hope it's not another rotten hell, you crazy old lady rotten hell.

No, and I want to apologize for that, but the reason I asked you over here

is because I want to tell you something that I should have said to you the other

day.

Louise.

I love you.

I would love to see me torn apart by the hair.

How'd you know I said that?

I am taking a lip reading class at the Learning Annex.

So I know what the ladies at the nail salon are whispering about me.

This is just the kind of mean trick that proves my point. I'm afraid now that

there is no way I can ever give you my car.

Louise, the last thing I would want you to think is that I was playing some kind

of mean trick. Give me those keys. Ow!

I'm not going anywhere.

Neither am I.

Hope you don't have to pee, old lady.

If I do.

We're in this together.

Fifteen -minute ride to Oprah, you gotta pee four times.

Six hours in the car today, dry as a bone.

I'm doing my kegel exercises. It helps keep pee from coming out.

You have anything for puke?

This is crazy.

I insist the two of you stop being so selfish and come inside and make me

dinner. Make it yourself.

Here's some hard candy, Billy.

That might have worked when I was little, but ooh, butterscotch. I've had

since I was little.

It just breaks my heart.

This all could have been avoided if only you were willing to be nice to a lady

that doesn't have that many years left.

Okay. You know what, Louise?

Enough with the martyr act.

It's not an act.

It hurts me to know that you'd rather we both rot in this car than you tell me

you love me.

No, you didn't want me just to say I loved you. You wanted me to beg and

That doesn't seem like love to me. Okay, maybe I was a little bit petty, but I

say I love you all the time, and you respond with thanks or hello, or most

recently, I hate you.

You can't blame me for wanting to hear you say those words.

But if you have to force it out of people, it is meaningless.

Is that what you want, Louise?

To hold people hostage until they say what you want to hear just to shut you

You're right.

Take the car.

It's not that I don't love you.

But there's other ways that I express myself without actually saying the word.

Name one.

You're still alive, aren't you?

Judy, the morning of the Oprah taping, I was so happy when you said that you

would invite me if only you had an extra ticket.

And then when a ticket became available, I saw the look on your face.

You're stuck with me.

It really hurts.

I need to apologize for that, Louise.

But sometimes you really know how to push my buttons.

You can be controlling and needy and manipulative. Nice apology.

What's next, a punch in the face?

But underneath it all, you're my family.

You're the mother of my husband.

And I love you.

Oh, Judy.

That is so nice.

I appreciate it so much.

Now I'm going to do something really nice for you. Something I haven't done

anyone. Not even my own kids.

These are my very special chocolates that I never share with... What

the hell?

into my chocolates.

Oh, I had a few of those the other day.

A few?

There's one left with a bite out of it.

I don't like maple cream.

I... I... You love me and you can't take it back.