Original subtitles

Yeah. Yeah, thanks for the call, Johnny.

I'm sure everything will be fine.

Have a safe flight.

What's wrong?

Johnny's flying to Japan tonight, but your grandmother's staying in town. His

uncle's having emergency surgery.

Oh, my God, that's terrible.

Nana has free time?

I mean, she's going to want to come over, and she's going to rope us into

old people stuff, like...

Playing cribbage.

Or watching the love boat.

Talking about the old days when everything was made of wood.

Okay, don't panic.

This could all be a drill, right, Dad?

Not a drill.

I hear a car.

Purple PT Cruiser, run!

Hey, where are you guys off to?

Um, we're just going to clean out the garage like you asked us to. Oh, that is

so sweet.

Wait a minute.

My kids aren't sweet.

It's Nana!

Damn them to hell!

What a nice surprise, Louise.

Well, Johnny's out of town. Didn't anyone tell you? No, nobody said

and we have a system in place for that.

Well, good news.

You've got me for the whole week.

And I hope you're ready to spice up your wardrobe because I brought a jar of

buttons and a glue gun.

Just shoots glue, huh?

I'm still in love with you this day because you make me happy.

Whoa.

What's with the shirt?

Oh.

Nana and I have been spicing up my wardrobe.

With buttons.

Lots of them.

Is Nana still here?

No, she just left.

We spent the entire afternoon charting the family tree.

Sad to say, your father's the most accomplished miller in nine generations.

I'm sorry we ditched out on you. Oh, honey, it's no big deal. When it comes

Nana, everyone's got to do what you got to do.

Cool purse. It's Nana's. I thought you said she left the room.

Oh, hello, dear.

Louise, Lauren loves your purse. She wants to learn how to make one.

Oh, well, I would be delighted to teach you. Did you know that needle pointing

was invented during the plague to distract people from their suffering?

That's really interesting. I'm sure Mom would...

buttons on that shirt?

Sorry, I've been in the garage all day. I'm having a hell of a time changing

that oil filter.

Stop fixing the car. It just pawned your mother off on Lauren.

Oh, good.

Because this is chocolate.

This is the worst day of my life.

That is it. I am calling the school. That football team is going to stop

on you.

It's not the football team.

Is it basketball season already?

No.

I'm failing gym.

Failing? Yeah, it's not my fault. Coach Stone is making everyone climb this

stupid military wall or we fail. It's completely unfair.

I'd say so. What's that kid in the wheelchair supposed to do?

Well, actually, he made it over.

And don't think you didn't let everyone know, rolling around all day like a hot

shot.

Ryan, if you fail gym, you won't graduate. It says here you missed three

classes. Yes, because I was needed in my linguistics club. We're inventing a new

language, and come on, Rome wasn't botched, he did a dwabble.

Wait a minute. Kirk Stone?

He's your gym teacher? I know him. You do? Yeah, from high school. Stone the

bone. We played football together.

Brian, your problems are solved. I'll talk to my old buddy, get him off your

back. You don't have to do that, Dad. No, no, it'll be great to rehash old

times. I don't know.

Brian, I've never said this before, but your father could be a big help.

Okay, I just hope you can reason with him. You know, Coach Stone's inane walk

could be the literal and metaphoric barrier between me and my aspirations.

Okay, you know what? Enough with the made -up words. Okay,

ladies, before you hit the showers, a little announcement.

Thanks to Marty Rubin's pending lawsuit, dodgeball's been banned.

But luckily, I invented a new game, Happy Joy Ball.

Same rules as dodgeball, but you play with this.

Look alive, Rubin!

Hey,

Coach Stone?

Yeah. It's me, Bill Miller, class of 81.

And 82.

And the summer of 83. You remember we played varsity together? I was starting

middle linebacker.

Back up middle linebacker. You beat me out for that spot.

Well, don't blame yourself. The cream rose to the top.

And I see it settled back down to the middle.

Stone on the board.

Careful, you're scuffing my floor with your street shoes. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. So, buddy, I came to ask you a favor. It's for my son, Brian.

Wait a minute. You're Brian Miller's father?

You... Smart Brian Miller.

Biological father?

Yeah, I think so.

Well, who knows?

Anyway, it's about this wall.

Brian's really having a tough time with it, and he's worried you're going to

fail him.

Oh, look, I just want to push him a little bit. Brian's a good kid. He

have to make it over. As long as he tries, I'll pass. Ah, thanks, old buddy.

problem. Yeah, I told Brian I could bring you around. Good old stone the

Haven't heard that name in 20 years.

You know, I came up with that nickname.

That was you?

I hated that nickname.

Right? It ruined high school for me. Oh, that's not so bad. You're better off

than the guy I call Kirk the Jerk.

That was me, too.

Kirk Stone. Yeah, I was the Jerk and the Bone.

Jerk Bone. That's perfect.

Later, Jerk Bone.

Who said that?

Thanks a lot, Miller.

You know, you always were a jackass. What? Come on. We had fun in high

You remember that skinny kid we used to give swirlies all the time? That guy has

the right to hold a grudge. Again, me.

Well, a lot of memories, a lot of good time.

Thanks for helping my son.

You know what, Miller?

I changed my mind.

Wouldn't be fair to treat your kid differently. Either he climbs that wall

fails. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're only saying that because you

like me.

This is classic.

Bill Miller's son is a wussbag.

But now I've got you by the things you shaved while your friends held me down.

Hey, hey, let's get two things straight. My son is not a wussbag.

And that prank, while gay, was funny. You know what else is funny?

If your son doesn't make it over that wall, he gets a big fat F.

That's right, Miller.

I rule this school now.

Brian's going to make it over that wall because I'm going to train him. And when

he does, I'm going to do a victory dance.

It goes a little something like this.

Hey, hey, hey, quit it!

Quit it!

giving Lauren a needlepoint lesson.

Ah, well, don't mind me. I'm just going to make myself a quick cup of tea.

Oh, don't drink that horse piddle, dear.

Besides, you don't want to hurry tea.

Johnny introduced me to the Japanese tea ceremony, and it's very spiritual.

Sounds interesting, Louise.

You hear that, Nana? She wants to learn all about it.

Oh, well, we better head on over to the Japanese market. Now, they have a lot

of... skittish birds there, dear, so you might want to wear a hat.

Uh, no, no, no, no. No, I don't want to put you out, Louise. I mean, you're so

busy with Lauren.

Lauren? Lauren?

Hey, there he is, my big guy.

Did you get a chance to talk to Coach Stone? No, but I have some fantastic

You got me out of gym?

Better. You have to climb that wall.

And if you don't...

You failed.

What? How is that fantastic?

Brian, I went in there, I looked at that puny wall, and I thought, my son is

selling himself short.

I believe in you.

No, no, you don't. You never have an account on that. Don't worry.

All you need is the right guy training you.

And that guy, please don't say you, please don't say you, is me.

Hey, guys. What's going on? I decided to help my son tackle that wall. I know

he's got it in him. The Millers are climbers.

Except socially and financially.

I know I haven't been much help with book stuff, but athletics is my

I know I can help you get there, Brian.

So you really think I can do this? Yeah, you're like Rudy.

Who's Rudy? Who's Rudy?

It's a classic football movie about a scrappy little guy who has the power to

overcome anything.

Start that Sean Afton guy from Lord of the Rings.

Samwise Gamgee of the Shire?

Do you guys really think I have the strength of a hobbit?

Okay, I'm gonna go put on my gym shorts.

And my traveling cloak.

I just washed it, honey. It should be in your jammy drawer.

All right, champ, this is it.

There she is, Brian, just waiting to be mounted.

You get on top of her, you'll finally be a man.

It's game time, Rudy.

So how am I doing, Dad?

Okay, let's start with the positives.

If you fall, you probably won't hurt yourself.

All right, let's bring the arms into it.

One, two, three.

How was that?

You might want to go to four next time.

Come on.

You're the man.

Hi, Brian.

Hi, Lisa.

You can do it, Brian.

I'm the tiger.

How are you doing?

The kid has the upper body strength of a newborn.

I believe in you, son.

Way to go, Miller.

I've seen Ivy climb a wall faster than him.

My boy may be the underdog, but he's going to surprise you.

Okay,

this is getting sad.

Look, I don't feel right about failing your son just because you're a jackass.

He can pass Jim if he...

And rolls in square dancing like the other wasp eggs? No chance in hell.

dancing's for girls, and my son is not a girl.

Okay, does anybody have any aloe?

Cocoa butter, anything, people, come on.

And so ends the kwecha part of the ritual.

That was lovely.

And now we move on to hour two of the ceremony where...

We purify the teacup.

The chawan.

Say it with me.

Chawan. Cha -wan.

Chawan. Chawan.

Hey, Tina, look, it's a tea party. Doesn't this look like fun?

Nice try.

Brian feeling any better? Oh, yeah, he just needs to walk it off.

Walk it off? Bill, you had to carry him up the stairs.

I'm all for you making a man out of Brian, but I'm not sure there's a man in

there.

At this point, I'd settle for a tough lesbian.

You know what? You did your best. Maybe it's time to call Coach Stone and get

him to let Brian off the hook.

Yeah, that's not really an option anymore.

Why not?

Because Dad ticked off Coach Stone.

scuffing up his floor and nicknaming him Jerk Bell.

Now Brian's only hope for passing Jim is to take square dancing with all the

other nerds and losers.

Okay, okay, stop.

How do you know all this?

I have been staying late at school to avoid Nana.

Did you know that after school they have clubs for people who are actually into

stuff?

It's like a whole different world after 2 o 'clock.

Does the school end at 3?

Hey, I'm not the one on trial here.

So, that's what this is all about, huh? You picked a fight with Coach Stone and

Brian has to suffer for it? Well, you know what? I'm calling that school and

signing them up for square dance.

Judy.

Hey, Dad.

Listen, I really do appreciate all the help that you've been trying to give me,

but, uh...

I think it's time for me to throw in the towel.

Which I would do if I could lift one.

Are you sure you want to give up, son?

Yeah. So, uh, I think it's time for you to call your old friend Coach Stone and

get him to let me off the hook now.

Yeah, I kind of overestimated that friendship.

Turns out he hates me.

I thought you never even talked to him. I tried, but he was a jerk.

He's still jealous that I made first string and he couldn't cut it.

Plus, I kind of shaved his privates.

What, yesterday?

No.

20 years ago, but he won't let it go.

God, Dad, I can't believe this. You ruined everything.

Don't you worry, Brian.

I just made a phone call to school and signed you up for square dancing.

What? Why did you do that?

So that you could pass gym.

But square dancing is lame.

You love lame stuff.

Not this lame.

You cried when we took you out of tap dancing class.

Okay, yeah, tap, fine, okay? Ballroom, bring it. Tango, it's on. But square

dancing?

Don't insult my feet.

Oh, come on, it's just a few classes.

Yeah, and a recital. Everyone sits in the bleachers and then they pelt the

dancers with garbage. It's the hottest ticket of the year.

I have a hard time believing that.

Mom signed me up for square dancing.

I get to throw garbage at Brian?

Hope you're happy.

Now, thanks to you, I got to take square dancing, and I have to pass it. How am

I ever going to learn the routine in time for the recital? Did someone

square dancing?

Yes, yes, yes, I heard it, too. Help the boy. Teach him everything you know.

Okay, but why now?

Louise, you can square dance, too?

I told you.

I'm a member of a senior square dancing group, the Hootenannas.

It's a wonderful, fabulous workout. Here, Judy, feel my thigh. Go on, give

good grab.

Don't be shy.

Holy!

It's like concrete.

Billy, want to feel my square dancing thighs?

No, I don't. She don't.

ticket. And I'm starting to get why. I didn't think anything could out -peak

science there, and yet here we are.

Hey, guys.

Come to throw trash at your brother?

No, I'm here to show Brian my support.

What's in the bag?

Little trash I picked up from outside.

Give a hoot, don't pollute.

Lauren, I told you no throwing garbage at your brother.

But, Mom, all my friends are doing it.

Fine, but nothing harder than a kiwi.

This blows.

I look like Howdy freaking Doody.

Oh, you do not.

You look like Woody in Toy Story.

You thought he was so cool.

Nine years ago.

Oh, I'm sorry it came to this, son.

But in the end, you'll get through it, and you'll always be my son.

Why aren't you looking at me?

I'm pretending I don't know you.

Hey, Mellon.

What are you doing here? Oh, come to see the girls dance? You may have the upper

hand now, but 22 years ago, I taped your butt cheeks together.

Another questionable memory, yes, but I'll always have that.

Ron, you keep living in the past, but you know in your heart that I'm now the

better man. You're a gym teacher. You sell toilets.

Stop. Both of you.

This is about me passing Jim. It's not about some stupid fight that started 20

years ago. So everybody needs to stop interfering in my life.

We're advancing to your positions.

That's you, son.

What the hell it is?

Stand back.

It's hobbit time.

Bill, he's going for the wall.

You can do it, son.

Or young man I just met.

Depending on how this goes.

That's my son.

Oh, God. Guys, I can't get down. I'm terrified of heights.

I think I might have been.

Over there. That's my son.

Just kidding.

I wouldn't have it.