Original subtitles

Gonna fall over.

Hey, I invented this game. I have been playing it since you were small enough

duck on top of her.

Ten points. Top that.

And for the win...

told you to. No more playing dad jenga.

Dad's sleeping off four beers. You don't want to put any pressure on his

bladder. Go do your homework.

I finished all of mine.

Well, help Lauren with hers.

Bill.

Bill. Whose donuts are these?

Me and mine.

Get up and get ready. Fitz and Marion will be here any minute. Remember,

coming for dinner.

Oh, that's tonight. They're just going to yap and yap about how great their

marriage is since they went to therapy.

Well, we owe them because they had it over last time. No, they owe us.

All she served was vegetables.

They had fish.

The vegetable of the sea.

Well, we are having steaks. You did remember to pick up the steaks, huh? Of

course I did. I'd better get them out of the refrigerator right now.

Steaks.

Keys, keys, keys.

Damn it, they were just here.

Where are the steaks?

Why do you have your coat on?

Because I was just about to get them out of the refrigerator, which is cold.

Duh.

I don't believe it. You forgot the steaks after I reminded you a hundred

Judy, you're treating me like a child.

When in fact, I'm a lazy, forgetful adult.

I'm going, I'm going.

You got your keys, right? Yeah, I got my keys.

You lost your keys again, didn't you? Okay, okay, fine, I lost them.

I looked everywhere, they're gone.

Gone? So if I look for them, I won't find them in like two seconds? No, you

won't, because that's what gone means. They're unfindable.

What are these?

Keys for my other home.

Where I live with my other wife.

Who finds me adorable at times like these.

Well, go blow her up and give her my back.

So it turns out he has the keys in his pocket the whole time.

God, I swear it's like living with a monkey.

Only occasionally, monkeys groom themselves.

Ha ha, we get it. Monkeys are better than Bill.

Judy, you're being a little rough on your husband.

My sweetie and I used to fight like that.

Then we learned through therapy that a good marriage fits all, but a bad

marriage comes in many criticizes.

You know what?

You are right.

I'm sorry, Bill.

Could you find it in your heart to pull your head out of your ass? Ah,

did you see this coming?

It's you two.

Mutual respect is the difference between a marriage that flourishes and one that

flounders. Flounder, that was the crap fish you served last time.

Mary's right. I mean, this is the stuff we learned in couples counseling.

which I had my doubts about, but I've got to say, there's been a lot less

nagging and a lot more shagging.

Marriage is about working together as a team. Isn't that right, teammate?

Time for a cuddle huddle.

Time to get ill, Bill.

We're a great team. We're a better team than you guys. You should see his gang

up on Brian. Such a dork.

Walking wedgie.

I'm not talking about crushing your child's self -esteem.

I'm talking about how we pull together so that both of us are happy.

My teammate here wants to see the Rolling Stones, so I got on board even

I'm not that into the rock and roll.

You guys are going to the Rolling Stones concert? So are we. It's our

anniversary that night. We waited in the ticket line six hours for these babies.

Together?

Yeah. She even stood in front of me while I peed in a bottle.

You ruined my raspberry iced tea, but that's teamwork.

Eighth row, right in front of Keith.

Where are you guys sitting?

Well, Bill got us the tickets. Where are our seats, Bill?

I don't remember. I'll go check.

Keys.

Keys. Keys.

Ah.

Where are you going, Bill?

Uh... You forgot to buy the tickets, didn't you?

Time for a cuddle huddle.

So you got Rolling Stones tickets. I heard they were sold out. They are. I

a fortune at a scalper thanks to that idiot Bill.

Fat, lazy, out of sheep's... Hey.

He might be a slob, but he's still my husband.

Talking about me.

Be patient with Phil. Remember, he's your teammate.

Yeah, but it's like I'm in gym class, picking teams, and I get the kid with

built -up shoe.

I actually went to prom with the shoe kid.

Surprisingly good dancer.

Hey, I should check my tickets to see if we're sitting near each other. Oh,

that'd be fun. Yeah, they're right here in my gym bag.

Are they? That's funny. They were here earlier.

Oh, that's good. I burned 210 calories.

Oh, my God, that's my heart rate.

I've got to find those tickets. If Bill finds out I lost them, I'll never hear

the end of it.

Listen to you, dear. Marriage isn't about competition.

It's about communication and sacrifice.

I'd be glad to make a sacrifice if I could just get that jackass near a

Maybe I left them at home in my purse. Can you give me a lift? Sure.

We're going to go. We'll see you later.

It's hard to get back in a gym.

I'm really out of shape.

Uh -huh.

I just had a baby last month.

I just had triplets, you know.

This morning.

I don't get it. Those tickets have got to be here. You have to help me look.

Don't panic. We'll find them.

Let's see.

Mace, stun gun, pepper spray. Someone thinks highly of themselves.

Gotta retrace my step.

What rooms were you in before you went to the gym? I changed the bulb in the

upstairs hallway.

I turned our mattress. I fixed the leaky faucet in the upstairs bathroom. My

God, I do everything around here.

I'll look for them in the upstairs bathroom. We absolutely have to keep

secret from Bill.

I don't feel comfortable being a part of any marital deceit. Well, get

comfortable. I can just see the smug look on his stupid face when he finds

I... Hey there.

What's up, teddy bear?

Hey, uh... What's going on?

Marion's helping me organize my purse.

Uh, hey, um... All right.

That's much better. Thanks, Marion.

Was there something you were going to go do upstairs?

Judy, I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous about... Please, just do it. For me. Go.

Fine.

Where's she going?

The bathroom.

She has trouble going at other people's houses.

That's true. That's why we bought the RV.

Hey, you know what, guys? I'm cleaning the house now. Why don't you go over to

Fitz's house and get drunk?

Judy, it's the middle of the day.

We're already drunk.

What's up with her?

It's like she's trying to get rid of us. I bet she wants us out of the house

because she lost those Stones tickets and doesn't want me to know.

Wow, what makes you think she lost the tickets?

You know, when you've been married as long as we have, you pick up on these

things.

Also, I took them.

Why would you do that?

To teach her a lesson. She always rubs my face in it when I lose things.

Ah, found my keys.

Anyway, this time I get to be the genius and rub her face in it because she lost

the ticket.

But she didn't lose them.

You stole them.

Okay, you're overthinking this.

You have to stop using your brain and stop using your heart.

I hid them in her jacket. I'm just going to let her suffer a while and whip the

tickets out of her pocket and get the last... Aha!

So sweet. So sweet.

I didn't find anything in the bathroom, except signs of a family with no self

-respect.

Don't worry, I have the tickets right here. Where'd you find them? Where Bill

hid them.

They were in my jacket pocket, but I wasn't wearing this jacket today, so

obviously Bill put them there. The dummy thinks he can get back at me for always

finding his keys and calling him a dummy.

Why would he do that?

Bill wants me to admit I lost the ticket so he can waltz in here and find them

in like two seconds. But you know what? The joke is on him because they are not

going to be there.

And he is going to squirm like a bug at the end of a pen.

Squirm, buggy, squirm.

Does your church offer couples counseling?

No, they can't. Play along. Oh, I don't like this.

What's going on, Judy?

You seem a little agitated.

No, I'm fine. Couldn't be finer. That's good. You know, Fitz and I were just

talking about this Rolling Stones concert. Now, I know I'm not supposed to

the tickets because I'm such a monkey and I lose things, but we were wondering

where our seats were, right, Fitz?

Yeah, sure.

What do you think Section G?

I'm pretty sure it was Section J.

You might be right. Let's just drop it.

Although it could be Section G. Well, we better check.

So let's see those tickets.

Unless, of course, there's some crazy reason you can't produce them right now.

All right, all right, I lost the ticket.

Hear that, Fitz? She lost them. They were in my gym bag and they disappeared.

Isn't that right, Marianne? This is making me very nervous.

Daniel, did you happen to drive the RV over here?

Sorry. I'll be fine.

So you're saying that you lost the ticket.

You lost the ticket.

You lost the ticket.

You are just saying the same thing over and over again, emphasizing different

words each time.

Am I, Judy?

Am I? Oh, just help me find the ticket.

So you've looked everywhere. There's no place you haven't looked. Yes.

So if I look, I wouldn't find them in, like, one second.

I mean, I wouldn't be able to walk up to the most obvious place in the world,

like, say, your jacket, and pull them right out.

Aha!

Aha what?

Nothing, I sneezed. You said aha.

Yeah, I'm trying out a new sneeze.

Well, why would they be there?

I'm just searching the house systematically, starting with C for coat

Now we move on to D for the kitchen. Come on, Fitz.

Phil, I'm sorry for losing the tickets and ruining our special night.

We'll find them, honey. Fitz and I will search every inch of this house if we

have to. I love you.

Scram, buddy, scram.

Well? I dug through all our trash can.

Did you find anything?

Yeah, that we eat a lot of pretzels.

And that raccoons are not the lovable little bandits you see in cartoons.

Did you find any tickets online?

Yeah, but they're going fast.

These look pretty good. See 25K?

25K is what they cost.

Okay, let Mom know I did the laundry like she told me to. Except for your

underwear. That I burned. And it smelled like a tire fire.

You guys buying Stones tickets? I thought Mom already got some. She did,

stole them out of her gym bag to prove I'm a million times smarter than she is.

That doesn't make sense.

Then I lost them.

That does.

This is terrible.

I've lost my anniversary aha moment.

I really wanted those tickets so I could rub them in her face.

We're back.

Quick, quick, give me your Stones tickets.

Why? I'm going to pretend they're mine.

But they're not yours. They're mine.

I'll give them right back. We're going to find ours eventually, but this way

I'll get my aha moment right now.

Thanks. Judy, come in here.

Well, we looked in the car. We even went back to the gym, but no luck.

So, you looked everywhere.

There isn't a place you haven't looked.

Like, for example, right here on the kitchen table. Aha!

Let's see that again in instant replay.

Aha!

They were there this whole time?

I guess so, right in front of your nose. But the important thing is that I found

the tickets.

I found... Oh, shut up.

Those aren't our tickets because I have our tickets.

I have our tickets. I have our tickets. I have our tickets. I mean, wait.

What do you mean, you have them? I know you stole them out of my gym bag and hid

them in my jacket, so I stole them back to teach you a lesson.

Are you following all this? Unfortunately, yes.

So you've had our tickets all afternoon?

Yes, and they are right here.

Aha!

Where are they? They were here a minute ago. Virginia, remember you changed out

of your gym clothes before we left? Oh, that's right. They're in the laundry

room. The laundry's right here. Why is it here?

And why is it clean?

Brian did the laundry. Why would he do that?

Maybe he's tired of living in filth.

Oh, no.

No.

Maybe we can tape them back together. Oh, God.

Well, at least you got these.

Well, actually, he didn't. Those are ours.

Yours? But why did you tell me they were ours?

Sweetie, all I wanted for our anniversary was to rub it in your face

smart and you're dumb.

Now I don't even get that.

I hate to say it, but this is exactly what you deserve.

Okay, I didn't hate saying it. It felt kind of good.

I know. We've been terrible.

You two have a lot to learn from my teammate and I. I feel awful.

And you should. You've ruined your anniversary.

You people make me sad.

You know what? You are right. Lately, all we've been doing is picking on each

other and bickering.

I was just hoping that this Stones concert would be a fresh start for us.

It is a shame you two can't go.

I mean, in a way, you need this concert more than we do.

Daniel, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. Let's you and me and these tickets get the hell out of here. Daniel.

We don't need to go to this concert.

Our marriage is like the mighty oak.

Theirs is crap.

We couldn't take your ticket.

All righty then.

Honey, there'll be other nights out for us. You and I are a great team and we

always will be.

But these two, once again, crap.

But the concert... We can make our own music.

Sweet, panger music.

Will there be an encore?

That's up to you.

Probably not.

Happy anniversary.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. You've earned them just by acknowledging that your marriage is in

the toilet.

Which reminds me, Daniel, I need to leave immediately.

This is so sweet of you.

Thanks. It's really great of you guys. You guys are such good friends.

They have the biggest hearts in the entire world.

And the smallest brains.

They walked right into our trap.

What's going on? Oh, we just got Fitz and Mary and Roland Stone tickets.

So you never found yours?

We never had ours.

because we're geniuses.

So you stole your best friend's tickets?

Yeah, we didn't steal them. That'd be wrong.

We elaborately tricked our best friend into giving them to us.

It was simple, really.

We were in bed after dinner with Fitz and Mary and angry that they said they

a great marriage and we didn't and they had Rolling Stones tickets and we

didn't. And then I had an idea.

First, I had to convince Marion that I'd lost the tickets and that your dad

would kill me if he found out.

Meanwhile, I had to make Fitz think I'd taken the tickets out of your mom's gym

bag and hid them in order to torture her.

At that point, Marion and Fitz were both on the hook. All we had to do was reel

them in.

It wasn't easy. I had to make Fitz believe I was so desperate to find the

tickets, I'd gone through the garbage and been attacked by a raccoon.

Meanwhile, I was hard at work fashioning a laundry blob believable enough to

make them think we had ruined our stone ticket.

And that's about it.

They felt so sorry for us, they couldn't help but give us their tickets.

This fake ticket blob in the pants pocket was great. How'd you get it to

real? Oh, I found some old ticket stubs on Brian's desk.

What? My Weird Al tickets?

Guys, I got these signed at the concert by his drummer, John Bermuda Schwartz.

You people suck.

Brian, you have to understand that our marriage has been going through... Okay,

that's not going to work on me, all right? You guys are going to be together

forever. You're horrible, horrible people that nobody else could ever love.

Oh, I think I just heard our anniversary toast.

This is the best anniversary ever. I know. I still can't believe we pulled it

off. Not quite.

Oh, hi.

What are you guys doing here? Did you scalp some tickets?

No, we came to get ours back.

Well, what about our dying marriage?

It deserves to die.

You guys almost had us. It was the perfect plan.

Except you overlooked one crucial detail.

You underestimated how much Weird Al ticket stubs mean to a nerdy young boy.

How you raised a decent boy like that, I'll never know.

Dork. Walking wedgie.

Hand him over.

All right. Sorry we've been such terrible friends.

Yeah.

Now give me the real ones.

Bill, it's over.

Sorry. I apologize deeply.

Okay. Give us the real ones.

Wouldn't happen.