Original subtitles

Why does Grandpa have to stay in our room when he comes to town? I hate

in that spider -infested basement.

Oh, honey, you're perfectly safe.

I sprayed a ton of poison down there.

I'll tell you what. For every spider you find and bring to me, I'll give you a

nickel.

Better mean that.

Because the only thing I hate more than a spider is a liar.

Okay, so it's not just me. She's creepy, right?

So, Bill, what time's your dad getting here?

Any minute. I'm really looking forward to spending time with him.

That's so sweet.

You're baked, aren't you?

No, no, no.

No, this visit's gonna be great. Ever since he started dating that woman, Joy,

he sounds different on the phone.

More optimistic and happy, less mean, drunk, and racist.

Well, maybe Joy's a very calming presence.

Or a sobriety counselor.

Or a black.

Anyway, this time it's going to be different. He said on the phone he wants

work on being a better dad, so I bought a 50 -yard line seat for the bear game

this Sunday.

Those sound expensive.

Well, you can't pinch pennies when it comes to family.

But from now on, we've got to tighten Tina's braces ourselves.

You know, Bill, have you ever thought that seeking your father's approval

be... I don't know, an unattainable dream that's really just a distraction

the other painful things in your life?

Kind of like how your droopy eye bags distract us from your gigantic forehead?

At least my daddy loves me.

Hey, everybody decent! Oh, there he is. How you doing, Dad?

Good, good.

Kids, I want you to meet my fiancé, Joy.

So wonderful to meet you.

So you and Al are getting married?

How does something like that happen?

What woman wouldn't fall in love with this big growly bear?

Bill's been really looking forward to seeing you, Al. You know what she said

the phone about wanting to be a better dad?

Well, that really meant a lot to me.

And I meant every word of it.

In fact, I have a big surprise waiting for you.

It's going to be a mini bike. I just know it.

Ta -da!

A kid? I already have three of those.

This is Joy's son and my shot at being a good father.

Hey, don't prove me right about you being lazy. Get over here and hug your

brother.

I'm still in love with you today because you make me happy.

So, Joy, you have a son.

And he's gonna be my son, too, as soon as I adopt little Bill here.

His name's Bill?

That's a good point.

See, it's gonna be confusing having two Bills.

Which one of you wants to keep your own name? Me, me, me, me!

Then it's settled.

All right, large Bill, we're gonna have to give you a nickname so we'll know

which one is which.

You know, I got a few thoughts just off the top of my gigantic forehead.

I'm not really a nickname kind of...

All right, from now on, you're bumpy.

I don't want to be bumpy.

You should have thought of that 5 ,000 pizzas ago.

Bill, you have a surprise for your dad, too.

What's your surprise, bumpy?

Well, I got us tickets for the Bears game Sunday. 50 -yard line, pretty much

best seats in the house. Oh, that is so sweet of you.

Sunday, jeez. I was going to take little Bill here to the Field Museum.

He loves dinosaurs.

Isn't he amazing?

Yeah, a nine -year -old boy who loves dinosaurs. Now I've seen it all.

Al, is there any way that you could switch your stuff around so that you

still go to the game with Bill?

I mean, large Bill.

Bumpy.

Well, if it's that important to you, I guess.

All right, where are you bunking us? Don't want to get out of these pants.

Okay, you know what? Just keep those pants on for a minute. I'll show you

you're sleeping out.

Lead the way, gorgeous.

Your baby loves me, too.

Unbelievable. I know, I know, but at least he's going to the game with you. I

buy us 50 -yard line seats, and he acts like he's doing me a favor.

You'd think a father would want to spend time with his son, you know, share his

interests.

Hey, Brian, where you been?

Waiting for you at the chess club father -son banquet where you were supposed to

introduce me as chessman of the year?

Oh, good morning!

Oh, I hope you don't mind my taking over your kitchen, but I've whipped up a

tasty batch of smiley cakes.

They're really pancakes, but I call them smiley cakes because they put a smile

all over your face.

You've obviously already had your coffee.

No, just a big old cup of isn't. It's a great day.

I quit that stuff once I started having kids.

Hey, you're not going to believe me. Some creepy guy exposed himself to me at

the gas station.

I believe it.

You're a very pretty girl.

I'm going to go upstairs and see if Al needs anything.

Chipper and upbeat.

Yeah, yeah. No, she really brightens up the room.

I don't care for them.

Hey, are you excited about the game?

You know, I actually am. Yeah, sure, the whole I have a brother thing was kind

of weird, but I'm not going to let it ruin today.

I got five hours blocked off with just me, my dad, and nobody else.

Are you ready for the game?

Oh, God.

Hope you haven't been thinking about something.

We ought to trade in those two expensive seats for three cheaper seats.

That way Billy can come with us.

Uh, yeah, the thing is, Al, Bill was kind of hoping that it was just going to

you and him.

Oh, you're right, gorgeous.

It was rude of me to make that decision on my own.

All right, who thinks it's a good idea for all three of us to go?

Me, me. That's two in favor, two abstain. The ayes have it.

Well, that's not really fair. I paid a lot of money for those tickets.

Oh, I see.

In other words, you don't want little Billy to come.

Well, all right.

You want to break the little boy's heart, go right ahead and do it. It's

over there.

Just look him in the eye and say, Billy, you can't come.

We don't want you.

I understand.

Billy, bad news.

Give it up, Bumpy.

I'm never going downtown on a weekend again. It was a nightmare.

This city is disgusting.

I yawned on the L and someone coughed directly into my mouth. My mouth tastes

like old man.

What a lovely day.

I don't know why they call Chicago the second city.

Because downtown smells like number two.

Believe me, when you come from a sleepy little town like I do, the hustle and

bustle of big city life is a real treat.

Someone stole your wallet.

I can finally get rid of that horrible driver's license photo.

Joy, this is just a little crazy. I mean, isn't there anything you just

mean, you know, hate. There's got to be something that brings you down. Let's

say war, crime, disease, poverty.

You have the prettiest brown eyes.

That is the sweetest thing to say.

Thank you.

How was the game?

Bears won in overtime on a 54 -yard field goal.

That is awesome.

What's the matter? We're a billion out.

Well, we couldn't get three seats together, so we traded my two

great seats for two decent seats and one behind a pole.

Guess who got the pole?

Sorry, Bill.

That little bastard can raise his hand so fast.

What happened to your pants? Because it looks like... Yeah, yeah, the guy next

to me spilled my beer.

Luckily, no one noticed the stain.

Really? No, everyone noticed.

Everyone on the L was laughing at me, including guys who actually had urinated

on themselves.

You had a great time at that game today.

Me, me, me.

I swear to God, he's going to lose that arm.

This kid had the time of his life. He loves the Bears.

You know how many players he can name?

Five. Five? I can name more than five.

Well, good for you.

At least he didn't sit through the game in his own filth.

What happened to you? It was my beer.

Maybe you should cut back. When you start peeing yourself, that's a wake -up

call.

Well, I'm going to get you a pair of pants without a beer stain.

Well, without that beer stain.

Wait a minute. Where'd you get that?

He found it at my place. It was in the back of the closet.

That's my old Stretch Armstrong.

Oh, jeez, Bumpy. He took your dolly.

Let it go.

Any more beer left in his joint or is it all in the front of your pants?

I see that.

No, no, no.

I meant, can I see it?

You with your eyes, not your hands.

Just for one second.

That was one second. No, it was not. It was not. It was not. Oh, fine, fine,

fine. I don't have to see it. I'm a grown man.

I have money and I sleep with ladies, so ha, ha.

I couldn't care less.

What's going on here?

It's my toy.

It's all right, son. I'll buy you another one. It won't be the same.

I was talking to him.

Good evening, Judy.

Good evening, Bill.

May I say what a delightfully uncomfortable evening you provided us

However do you mean?

Well, you did break a nine -year -old's toy.

I've thought about this long and hard, and there's a rational explanation for

behavior.

This kid is a butt face.

Well, I don't think he's going anywhere, so you probably should learn to get

along with him.

I just don't see why Billy gets everything.

Like what?

Well, like, for example, my dad's taking him to the field museum tomorrow.

You think he ever took me to the field museum?

He took me to a petting zoo once, but all there were were roosters, and they

were... Fighting each other.

I mean, I loved dinosaurs when I was a kid. Would it have killed him to take

Look, I know he was a lousy father to you, but it isn't Billy's fault that

being a better dad to him, and it's wrong to take it out on the kid. He's

little boy without a father, responding to a little kindness.

I know.

Look, if you want your dad to treat you better, then you need to confront him

about this, because he's the one you're really mad at.

Yeah, but Billy I know I can take. He's so weak.

Fine, fine. I'll talk to my dad tomorrow.

Good.

So, you in the mood?

That depends.

Are you just doing it so you can brag about it to Billy tomorrow?

Good night.

in a way, having my ex -husband gamble away my life saving gave me a fresh

start.

I sure got good at sleeping in a tent for those six months.

Joy, you are amazing. You're just so positive about everything.

I just believe in my heart that people are good and that life is a wonderful

thing and we should enjoy each and every day of it because it's the only life we

get as far as I know.

So for me, it's easy.

You just wake up every morning and you make the choice to be happy.

And then you're happy.

Wow.

Beautiful way to live.

Mom, here's a mouse from the basement.

Yeah, Brian's down there. He's got him trapped under a laundry basket. I am not

going back down there until it's gone.

Oh, it's just a little mouse. I'll take care of it.

Thank you, Joy.

She is just the sweetest thing.

You know, we ought to be ashamed of ourselves. What is wrong with us that we

feel the need to pick and pick at the sweet woman to find some flaw?

You're right.

We need to look at ourselves.

That I can never unsee you.

downstairs. Joy catcher rat?

Actually, yeah.

Hell of a monster, that one.

So, Dad, it's been great having you here these last few days.

Well, thanks a lot for the recap.

And, uh, you know, I really think it's great that you get along so well with

Billy, but there's something that's kind of bothering me.

Yeah? What?

Well, like how you're taking him to the Field Museum today.

Well, actually, I'm not taking him.

You're not?

No. Some of the old boys at the mill are going down for beers this afternoon,

and I am going to join them.

Does Billy know that?

I'll get around to telling him.

So, what is it you wanted to say to me?

Actually, if you're not taking him, then I guess I'm good.

All right, if we're done here, I have some business in the john, and if you

don't mind, I'd like to fly solo on this one.

Judy, I'm going to go hang with Pip.

Can I pop her any glow?

Yeah. As a matter of fact, he is. Cool. I can't wait.

Well, you better learn how to.

Um, Big Bill?

I'm sorry.

What? Sorry your stretch Armstrong got broken.

Well, don't worry about it.

That is a nice -looking dinosaur.

Is that the T -Rex?

Please don't break it.

I'm not going to break it.

You know, I used to like dinosaurs when I was your age.

I'm going to see a real T -Rex and Papa takes me to the field museum today.

Well, you know, sometimes when Papa says today, he means tomorrow.

Or never.

We're going to the museum today. Papa said so.

I know, just... You know, Papa's not perfect.

Every once in a while, he might let you down a little.

No, he never lets me down.

Papa loves me.

You know what? You're right.

He's a great guy.

I should know. I grew up with him.

Can you excuse me for a minute?

All right, Dad, we're not done.

You're taking that kid to the museum. I told you I'm not. I'm meeting my friends

for drinks. Billy's counting on you to take him. Well, life is full of

disappointments. He'll get over it. No, they don't get over it. What? When you

said you were going to be a better dad, I thought you meant with me.

You are 40 years old. You don't need a dad. But I did when I was Billy's age.

You know, you promised to take me to that museum one time.

I was so excited all day, all week.

You said you'd be home by 3.

I waited all afternoon into the evening. You didn't get home till 1 a .m.

You know how I know?

I was lying awake in my bed crying.

Next morning, you said you were at the tavern with the guys.

I don't even think you remember saying you'd take me.

You know what?

That boy down there thinks the world of you, and I'm not going to let you

disappoint him the way you disappointed me. Now, you're taking him to that

museum. Says who? Says me, Dad.

Papa, when are we going to the museum?

How does right now sound?

Awesome!

This way we could stay the whole day.

All right, go get your coat. Come on.

Bill? Yeah?

I believe I owe you a trip to this establishment.

You want to come with?

Yeah, I'd love.

Judy, I'm going to the Field Museum.

Really?

Yeah.

With my dad.

Mom,

did Dad just say he's going to the Field Museum?

Yeah, he did.

Really? That's awesome. I've been trying to get him to go there with me forever.

You know, they're doing an exhibit... Brian, he just left.

What?

Sweetie, if you want to go with him, they literally just walked out the door.

Call your dad on his cell phone. He has a cell phone?

Now, I know I've been ignoring you lately, so I got you a little gift.

It's another durable for your durable city.

Oh, thanks. That is so cool.

Thanks.

This is empty.

Well, where could it have got to?

Die!

Die, you teleco -colored brat!

Die!

Make me happy