Original subtitles

Hey, Dad, what are we doing for Mom's birthday?

Oh, that's right. It's today.

I'd better go get her gift. The guy at the store said it'd be ready.

Mom's birthday is until next week. Thank God. I got nothing.

Well, she's turning 40. We should do something special.

She's turning 40?

She looks great.

Dad, do you have any idea how old any of us are?

Brian, that's an ugly game that no one will win.

Maybe we should have a big party.

I don't know. Turning 40 is a very sensitive issue for women.

Their lives are half over and their best years are behind them.

That's something we can put on our card.

Hey, guys, what's going on? We're talking about your birthday and how your

is over.

Yes, it's half over.

Oh, it's okay, guys. I am fine with turning 40. I mean, look at me. I still

into my teenage daughter's bathing suit.

What?

I mean, I could still fit in.

But we're not going to make a big deal out of this birthday. Grandma and

are coming. We're going to go for a nice dinner. That's it.

But what about presents?

Oh, do not spend any money on me. Just give me something from your heart. Good.

But not you, big guy.

You need to come up with something that's going to wow me. And not you

whole cheesecake in your mouth.

He can do that? Wow.

Don't worry, I got some ideas.

Great. Now, why don't you let me help you set the table for dinner?

Doesn't count as a gift. Kids, go help your mother.

I'm still in love with you today because you make me happy.

All right, the meeting of the Mom's Birthday Gift Committee will now come to

order. I move that we rename the committee Brian Sucks Monkey.

I vote yes.

Okay, fine. Let's just forget the committee thing and figure out what

getting Mom for her birthday.

I'm just gonna do what Tina does.

Write I love you, Mommy, on a card, spell something wrong, Mom cries, and

I'm good.

Tina's eight. When you spell something wrong, Mom cries for a different reason.

Oh, uh, hey, when Hakeem's mom turned 40, he made a list of 40 things that he

loved about her. We could do that. You know, uh, you're nice, you're pretty, we

love your meatloaf.

I do love her meatloaf.

Well, great. This is going to be easy. And so ends the first meeting of Brian

Sucks Monkey.

Okay, that's not the name.

Yes, it is. We voted.

Are Mom and Dad here yet? Oh, not yet. Dad's not coming. He has the flu, and

picking up Mom from the train station in a half hour.

What are those?

Oh, my company newsletter did a big story on my promotion with Big Picture

everything, and I just kind of want to leave it in a place where Mom will

accidentally find it.

Why don't you just show it to her?

Because, Judy, that would seem needy.

I'm going to need a brighter bulb.

Yes, you are.

Surprise!

What are you doing here? We were going to pick you up at the train station. Oh,

I know. I decided to drive up. Those trains are so unreliable. And I didn't

to miss my favorite daughter's... Hey, Mom!

I mean, my daughter's birthday.

I didn't want to miss spending time with someone else who's very special to me.

Hey, Gus.

Hi, Gus.

Why do you guys call each other Gus? Because nobody has fun like Gus.

It cracks me up every time. Oh, okay.

Hey, Gus.

Maybe it's getting old.

So, can I get you a luggage?

That old suitcase, it broke on the way up. Can you get me a screwdriver?

Sure. And something to fix my suitcase with. Gotcha.

Mom, I can't believe you drove all the way up from Indiana by yourself. That is

so dangerous.

Don't start with me about my eyes again.

Well, did you get them checked like you said you were going to?

I'll do it when I get back. No.

No, you are not driving anywhere until you see someone.

You know, Mom, I could probably settle this vision thing.

Once and for all, I wanted to see if you could read this. It's my company

newsletter.

Say, who's that on the front page?

You work with Cloris Leachman?

Cloris Leachman? No, Mom, that's a picture of me.

See, Ma, you can't even... Seriously, that's not Cloris Leachman?

Nonetheless, Mom, you need to get your eyes checked. I am not going to any eye,

Dr. Gus. Tell her I'm fine.

Don't get Bill to do your bidding for you.

Gus, tell her she's going.

I, uh... Uh... Uh... It's his new trick.

When he wants to get out of doing something, he pretends he has to sneak.

Uh... Mom, let's get you settled.

Well, uh, careful up those stairs, Mom.

It's, uh, a little something I learned as safety leader.

Uh... Save it, Bill. They went upstairs.

Oh, good.

why Judy's on this kick about Mom going to the eye doctor.

I know what it is.

Judy's turning 40 and she can't deal with it.

Judy's fine about turning 40.

Or maybe she hasn't dealt with her fear of aging and she's obsessing over her

mother getting old. In psychology, we call this projecting.

What do you call the belief that you're a psychologist?

Because I call it nuts.

That's the healthiest joke I've ever heard.

That's why I knew you'd love it.

How could I not love it? It's got everything.

A gorilla, a whorehouse, and beans.

And I still didn't know where it was going.

Oh, sorry. You have to drive me to the eye doctor on your day off. According to

Judy, I need a chauffeur.

Why did my daughter turn into such a hard -ass? She's not a hard -ass. She's

woman who loves us deeply and expresses it through fear and violence.

So, you're afraid of her?

Don't be ridiculous.

Of course I am.

I hope you're not mad at me about all this, Gus. Oh, no.

I just wish we were off doing something fun.

I mean, my eyes are fine.

Look, I can read all these billboards.

Refinance your home.

King's Outlet Mall.

Lucky Deuce Casino, next exit.

I am having such a great

time. I haven't played craps in years.

I can barely remember the rules.

Part A, press my six. Five dollars on the yo.

this short. We've only got ten minutes.

Oh, Bill, give it up. We're never going to make it to the eye doctor. No, I'm

talking about the prime rib buffet.

It's all you can eat, and I think I can beat the house.

All right, then this is a big roll.

Salt and pepper. I've got salt and pepper.

Actually, for this, we need the fresh ground.

All

right,

Lauren, let's start with your 40 reasons why we love Mom.

I love you because you're nice and you're pretty and you make good

You didn't even try.

All right, Tina, what do you got?

Nice to meet, meatloaf, pretty.

Again, my thing?

Okay, so you're telling me we can't come up with more than three things that we

love about our own mother?

Well, maybe we can just give up on this and buy her something. No, no, she wants

the gift from the heart. That shouldn't be that hard. There's got to be more

than three things.

Oh, uh, you know what? Here's one. She has nice hands. That's four.

And nice fingers.

My God, that's like ten things right there.

She's not going to fall for that. She's not an idiot.

Here's another one. She's not an idiot. Good, good. That's fine.

Hey, what a coincidence. My driver's license expires on my birthday.

Mom, everybody's done.

Yeah, right, Brian. Everybody's license expires on my birthday.

And we're back to four.

Promise me we're going to go to the doctor tomorrow. I swear.

And what hard -ass doesn't know won't hurt her.

All right. Do I smell like booze?

A little. Do I smell like beef?

Kind of.

Good. Judy won't suspect a thing.

Oh, hey. How did it go at the eye doctors? Oh, good, good.

But he didn't get to finish all the tests. We have to go back tomorrow.

What kind of test?

Just the usual. All I know is we both have to fast tonight.

am so stuffed.

Why do you have to fast?

As a show of support.

Bill's taking me again tomorrow.

But, Mom, tomorrow was my day. Remember I was going to take you to the

Arboretum? Well, honey, I'm sorry, but I have to take care of my health.

I'm going to go and lie down now. I am so drunk.

Okay.

Okay, well, I'll come with you. We can talk.

Okay, honey.

But if I close my eyes and start doing my breathing exercises, it doesn't mean

I'm not listening. I know.

Thanks for taking my mom to the doctor. Don't worry about it. No, I had to work,

and it's not a fun thing to do on your day off. Well, I knew it was important

you, and that made it important to me.

Hey, Mom, Grandma's eye doctor called. He said she missed her appointment

He wants you to call him.

You gonna let go?

You gonna run?

Wouldn't you?

Oh, yeah.

You took my mother to some casino instead of taking her to the doctor. She

didn't want to go, and I didn't want to force her. Helen likes me. I don't want

to ruin that. I never had a mother.

What?

That I could stand.

I mean, come on.

Is all this doctor stuff really about your mom?

You know, you're turning 40 and you're worried about your mom getting older.

Maybe you're projectiling.

I assume you mean projecting?

For the sake of keeping the conversation moving, we'll go with your word.

Bill, I honestly have no problem turning 40. I'm just concerned about my mother.

Now, you have to take her back to the doctor tomorrow because I have to work.

And if there's nothing wrong with her, I won't forget the whole thing.

All right, fine.

I'll take her for you, birthday girl.

Again. Not a present.

You are so difficult to shop for.

That was the most disgusting joke I've ever heard.

Why would a gorilla even be in a whorehouse?

Honey, was there somewhere we could drop you?

Mom, this was supposed to be our date together, remember? And Judy wanted me

make sure you actually made it to the doctor this time. Judy.

Like, I can't be trusted to not go back to the casino.

Although, I did find $30 in chips in my purse, and I'm feeling pretty lucky.

Mom, you have to go through with this. Judy said that if... Judy said, Judy

said... You know, Linda, you used to be the fun one.

Really?

Me, the fun one?

Sure. Yeah.

No, you're right, I am. I am the fun one. Come on, Bill, let's go to the

We got plenty of time for that grumpy old doctor, huh? Forget it.

Just drop me off, and I'll be right out.

Or better yet, just slow down near the off -ramp and I'll tuck and roll.

Come on, Gus.

All right, but just long enough to get you $30. I promise. In and out. I'll

in my chips. We'll still go to the doctor and Judy will never know.

Yeah, because she can be such a wet blanket, right?

But me, I am all over going to the casino because I'm the fun daughter.

Mom? Yeah, sure.

Say it.

Fine. You're the fun daughter.

Stop it. You're embarrassing me.

We're going to make your appointment. We've got to leave right now.

Oh, darn.

I guess we're not going to make it.

What are you doing to me here? You had no intention of going to that doctor,

you? Oh, jeez. Bill, cool out. Let a lady live a little. But, Helen.

Everything on the heartache.

Heart ain't working on the come out. Come on, shooter, roll them bones.

Yeah, them bones ain't gonna roll themselves.

Yay, eight, we did it.

Helen, pay the line, seven.

But that was an eight. That was a heart eight.

I'm sorry, ma 'am, it's a seven. It was an eight. Now, come on, give me my

money. Helen, excuse me, is there a problem here? This woman thought the

rolled an eight, but it was a seven. No, it was an eight. Linda, you saw it.

What did he roll?

Them bones?

I'm sorry, ma 'am. Could you please step away from the table? No, I want my

money. Helen, don't. Okay, you know what? Everybody just relax. I have an

Why don't we just call a do -over, okay? Now, who asked to make this?

Where are

they? It's almost time for my birthday dinner.

I'm starting to worry.

Your father's never late for anything that involves cake.

Speaking of your birthday, we have a little something to give you.

You sweet, sweet kids.

Well, you told us not to buy you anything, so we put our heads together

came up with this.

Yeah. Yeah.

$40, one for every year.

Yeah, and they're singles because you're our single favorite mom.

Yeah, sweet.

I was just hoping you'd do a little something more from the heart.

I did.

What? What?

I made you something from my heart.

Oh, didn't I?

Fourteen things I love about you.

Oh, look, and ten of them are my fingers.

That is so adorable.

But, honey, why fourteen?

Because that's how old you are.

Oh, good God.

Oh, sweet, but, honey, Mommy's 40, not 14.

Really? I wish I'd known.

I could have come up with 40 easy.

Oh, why don't you go get ready for dinner? Yeah, come on, Tina. Let's go

upstairs. But I don't want to leave without you, Mommy.

Oh, you'll be fine. Lauren will help you get dressed. I'll take care of you.

No. We're just going to find out. We never went to the doctor. No.

Hold him. We covered our bases. Now, we just need for you not to blab like you

usually do.

Mom, I don't blab. I'm the funmeister.

I'm not the meister. It's fun, isn't it?

We're back.

Hey, that doctor's appointment really ran long. Is everything okay?

Absolutely. He said there's nothing wrong with my eyes. Everything's fine.

Fine. Nothing wrong, never was.

That's what the doctor said.

So, you see, you're worried for nothing.

I guess I owe you an apology.

But you can't blame me for worrying, Mom. You don't want to gamble when it

to your eyesight.

Who said anything about gambling?

Not me. Roll them bones.

Linda, what is wrong with you? You're sweating like a pig.

What's going on? Nothing.

Did you go to the casino?

No.

wouldn't go unless you took her by the hand and you made her go well she didn't

want to go hey she's right here and she's not a child now i can fight my own

battles okay the same way i can make my own decisions about my health i will go

to the doctor when and if i choose to fine

you're right i can't force you if you don't care about your eyes then neither

i go blind be my guest Thank you.

Oh, do you believe her?

About time she got off my back.

Thank God I've got you, Gus.

Actually, it was a seven.

What?

The guy at the table rolled a seven, not an eight.

It was right in front of us, and he couldn't see it.

Really?

I mean, it's your decision, but I think you should make that appointment.

Wow. It's really a wake -up call when your eyesight gets so bad it interferes

with your gambling.

Sorry, Helen.

Are you going to tell Judy? No, no, that's your call. But she's a good

and I think you all were that.

I bet.

Ooh, sweet cash.

I think I just found Judy a birthday present.

Mom, you made your point.

No.

Actually, you were right about my eyes.

What?

I definitely need to see a doctor.

Something a little fuzzy going on there.

Although, it does get better when I drink.

Why have you been fighting me on this? And what's with the lying and the

gambling?

I was just trying to have a little fun before everything on me goes to hell.

not an old lady because you're having a little eye trouble.

Lauren's teacher told us years ago that she needed glasses, and we just told

her, sit closer to the board.

Oh, honey, I'm not feeling old because I need glasses.

I'm feeling old because my daughter's turning 40.

Why are you freaking out?

It's my birthday, and I'm fine with it.

Yeah, well, I'm not.

I think, like, yesterday, you were my little baby girl.

I was putting you on the washing machine so you'd fall asleep.

Suddenly, 40 years have gone by like that. Oh, see, that hurts right there

I do that. I just hate that we've been fighting.

Oh, me too.

There's no reason we can't get closer as we get older, you know?

We should both age together with grace and dignity.

I agree.

Money,

please.

Craps, three, three craps.