Original subtitles

Good morning.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Elton John.

My allergies are acting up. I can't wear my contact lenses, so I dusted off my

old glasses.

I think they make you look pretty, Mom. Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Just kidding.

Listen, you guys, I was thinking I need to get serious about college.

Really? Yeah, and there's a tour of Loyola this Friday night.

There's a college tour on Friday night? Yeah, from 9 to...

Midnight or so.

Really? Well, I've got to ask you two questions. Is Loyola a state school?

And how stupid do you think I am?

Really stupid?

Wrong. You're not going to a frat party. I can't believe they'd even invite a

high school girl. I ought to go over to that frat party. You're not going

either.

Come on, Mom. No. There's going to be half -naked drunk people running around

doing stupid things.

that any different from here?

You're not related to those people.

Yeah, too bad, Lauren. There goes your one shot at being on a college campus

without being on a herpes poster.

Yeah, Brian. I have herpes.

Ew, my cereal!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

I'm on it. Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hey,

hey, hey, hey! You two, knock it off! Knock it off!

I can't stand this fighting.

You two need to learn how to get along, you know? You're only going to have each

other to depend on when your father and I are gone.

And by gone, I mean living in Hawaii under assumed names.

I'm Chico.

And I want you two to hug.

Now.

Oh.

Wait, now I smell like fat man's soap on a rope.

Oh, yeah, sure. Like, I'd really take it out of its original packaging.

Diane, I was thinking maybe you and me could have a little father -son bonding

time on Sunday.

Really?

Wait, uh -oh.

Your mother's making me insulate the attic, and you're helping me.

Think of us as a team. I'm Chico, and you're the man.

The man who crawls ahead of me so I don't get any spiders in my hair.

Well, are you going to pay me?

That's right, Bill. It's a big job. You should pay him something.

Fine, then maybe I should get paid for everything I do around here.

You already are.

Once, sometimes twice a week.

I'm talking about pressing his pants.

Which is what we call having sex.

Because you make me happy.

Hey.

Traffic school after work, not a good idea. I had to speed like hell to get

here.

Did you take the Wayback Machine, Mr. Peabody?

Ha, ha, ha!

My glasses make me look like a nerd. Good stuff.

Isn't it nuts, both of us getting a ticket at the same time? Well, you know,

it's not fair. I was only speeding because some lunatic behind me kept

my bumper and honking.

It wasn't for me. It was for the line of cars behind me, Grandma.

Welcome to Rightway Traffic School.

I'm Mr. Kruger, your instructor.

Living proof that you can get a job with a Ph .D. in poetry.

We'll begin in exactly eight minutes.

Weird being back in a classroom together, isn't it? Yeah. Kind of like

school. Remember how fun it was?

Passing notes.

Boys fighting to sit next to you.

Using your assets to get out of a quiz.

No, I don't. I really don't.

But I do remember being bullied into doing some bimbos homework because they

were too lazy to crack open a book.

Again, sorry.

Hey, what's with the getup?

I just dropped Perry off at the airport. He had to go back to Reno.

Wanted him to be able to see your boobs from there?

No, I just wanted to make sure he misses me and the girl.

Miss, if you're looking for a seat, there's one right here.

No, sorry, I want to sit next to my sister.

Oh, actually, I was talking to her.

Oh, really? Okay, thanks.

So, what was your ticket for? Did you get a DWB?

Driving while beautiful?

Please.

You're funny.

I'm all about the funny.

Excuse me. I really like your earrings. Did you get those at Kip's? Yeah, how'd

you know? I almost bought the same pair.

Hi, I'm Christy. Hi, I'm Linda.

Marco. Hi.

Hi, hi. I'm Judy. I got the necklace at Kip's. Did you get the stain on your

shirt there, too?

Okay,

you are all about the funny, and I like it.

Care for a stain wipe?

I'm a drippy eater, too.

Thanks. Would you like a section of my newspaper?

Uh, oh, world politics? No, thanks.

I know what you mean. It's so depressing.

Do you think the G8 countries will ever solve the problem of Africa's ongoing

debt?

Uh, I don't know.

Maybe they should just, you know, cut up Africa's credit card.

Satire, bravo.

It's so refreshing to find someone smart enough to engage in witty repartee.

Well, I do love a good partee.

You are delightful, Doctor.

You think I'm all... Dr.

Judy Miller.

Thanks again for coming to get me.

If Mom knew I went to that frat party, she would freak.

I still can't believe Becca ditched me.

Yeah, well, you're just lucky I wasn't out on a date or something.

Yeah, lucky.

Anyway, it was really cool of you to do this for me.

I owe you one.

Yeah, don't even worry about it. All that's important is that you and I have

trust and understanding.

And from now on, you're my slave.

What?

You'll do what I say, when I say, otherwise I'll rat you out.

Oh, I'll kill you. You little... Hey, we're home.

Hey, where have you two been?

The movies.

You went to the movies together? That is great. I'd love to see you guys getting

along. Yeah, in fact, I showed Lauren such a good time that she was just

me how much she owed me. Oh, I wouldn't exactly say... Oh, sure you did. See, we

went and saw this movie called The Slave. It's about this dim -witted,

girl who, despite her mother's warning... Stop!

Don't spoil the ending for them.

Oh, good news, Dad. Lauren wants to help us insulate the attic on Sunday. What?

Oh, I don't know. The attic's a very dangerous place. I'm not sure a young

girl... For free.

Welcome aboard.

Hey, where have you been? I thought we were going to quiz each other on the new

highway log. Yeah, I decided to blow it off and go shopping.

What's in a box?

Ooh, sexy.

Another outfit for Perry?

No, it's for traffic school.

Is there a Girls of Traffic School calendar that I don't know about?

Oh, come on. It's fun getting some attention.

It's nice being the popular one for once.

Marco?

Marco actually passed me a note in class that said, Are you bored? Check yes or

no. I checked yes.

Yeah, yeah. You know, it is kind of fun.

That guy Wallace, because of my glasses, he thought I was some kind of brainiac.

Nice to have someone interested in what I had to say. We had this very

stimulating conversation about global warming.

Apparently it's real bad.

What are you doing, slave?

You should be upstairs making my bed and cleaning my robot.

I am done doing anything for you, jerkwad. So from now on, you can go back

polishing your own robot.

How dare you speak to me that way. As punishment, you must clean my retainer.

gone.

Forget it!

Oh, really? Well, then I guess it's time for me to go have a talk with Mom about

where you were on Friday night. You know what? You're not going to do that,

because while I was cleaning your room, I found major dirt on you.

You're bluffing. You don't have anything on me.

Oh, don't I? And by the way, you're disgusting.

You looked under my bed?

No, I was bluffing, but I'm looking now, stupid!

Hey, hey, hey, I'm trying to nap. And if you two kill each other, the rest of my

day is paperwork.

Lauren went to a frat party after Mom said she couldn't. Yeah, well, Brian

I had to be a slave or he'd tell.

Oh, so all that lovey -dovey stuff was just crap.

You know, your mother's going to lose it if she finds out you've both been lying

to her.

Dad, are you going to tell her?

No.

Really?

Thanks, Dad. Sure, your mother doesn't need to know.

It's more important to me that there be a bond.

Between the three of us.

And understanding... Uh -oh.

That you'll be insulating the attic by yourselves, because you're now both my

slaves. Oh, come on! And by the way, the job pays $10 an hour, which you'll be

paying me, so work fast.

That was funny. Laugh, slaves.

Can anyone tell me who has the right -of -way at a four -way stop sign?

Oh. Oh.

Again, Dr.

Miller.

Yes.

At a four -way stop sign, you should always yield

to the car on your right.

Unless, of course, you are being blocked by an iceberg that is melting due to

global warming.

Very good.

Next up is our safety video, Broken Windshields, Broken Lives.

What's up?

Well, I'm glad you could all make it. You do know this class has a hard start

time. Yeah, we know it's a hard start time.

That's why we had a hard time getting here, silly.

Well, after all, what difference do a few 45 minutes actually make?

Can we dim the lights?

I, uh, I hope you're gonna behave yourself in the dark, Mr. Kruger.

Oh, you, uh, oh. Yeah, you know.

Were you in an accident because your airbags are inflated?

What is the big deal? I stuck in a couple falsies. I think it makes the

look better. My posse thinks so.

Your posse?

Don't you think you're getting a little carried away pretending to be someone

you're not? Oh, I don't know, Dr. Miller.

Okay, here we go.

Linda, come sit back here with us. Okay.

All my friends want me to sit with them.

Cut it out, all right?

Have some respect. This is traffic school.

I'm sorry if this is what happened again.

Ouch, that's gonna hurt.

Do you mind?

Some of us are trying to learn something.

Excuse me?

Some of us are trying to learn something.

I'm sorry? Some of us are trying to learn something. Okay, can you keep it

I want your mother to think I do quality work.

Here's your cold one.

Thank you, Tina.

At school, we talked about how we help around the house.

You'll be getting a call.

I don't hear the pitter -patter of little slave feet.

We're taking a break.

If the Egyptians took a break, they never would have finished that pyramid

Las Vegas.

By the way, I'm taking a break.

Tonight, when Dad's asleep,

I'm going to rub every one of his beer bottles on my ass.

Enjoy your ass beer, my friend.

Yes, that's right.

Drink up.

This is all your fault.

We wouldn't even be here if you hadn't blackmailed me after I totally trusted

you. Yeah, like you're so innocent.

What are you talking about?

Okay, like the other night when I picked you up from the party. Yeah?

Well, it really hurt that you made me pick you up a block away.

You were nowhere near the frat house. You were standing under a sign that said

Beth Hillel Senior Center.

Okay, Beth is a friend of mine, and she is a senior in college.

Okay, I'm not the dumb one, remember?

Are you that ashamed to be seen with me? Am I really that much of a geek?

Oh, so that's what this is about.

I hurt your feelings.

Yeah, you did.

You know, here I was doing something that I thought was nice, and then I end

feeling bad about myself.

I... I'm sorry I made you feel like a geek.

But I wasn't ashamed of you. I was just embarrassed that I... that I needed my

big brother to come pick me up for my first college party.

Really?

Yeah. I would have felt the same way even if you were cool.

Er.

I guess that makes sense.

But, you know, you shouldn't be embarrassed to call me.

Anytime you need saving, I'll come to your rescue.

Thanks. Just like when the Human Torch rescued Sue Storm from Victor Von Doom.

You really don't get this whole geek thing, do you?

Hey, isn't this Mom's old karaoke machine?

Yeah, she loved that thing.

Yeah, not as much as Dad hated it.

Remember, he told her it was stolen.

Oh, my God. Do you know what that means?

Yes. That the thieves must have put it up here.

Or Dad lied and put it up here to hide it from Mom, which means if she found

she'd be very upset with him.

Which means we finally found a way to burn Dad.

Yeah. Human torch style.

Flame on!

I'm really trying to be nice to you here.

Okay, so it's decided. We'll call ourselves the Amigos.

Ooh, do you think we could invite Tammy into the group?

Yeah. Um, Tammy's not really Amigo material, but, um, you can tell her

considering her and make her get a latte.

Whoa. Is that Dr. Miller?

She looks great.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

What are you doing being all beautiful?

Well, I mean, you feel like a loser, so I figured if you can't beat him, show

him.

Judy, you can't be the popular one. I called it.

How would you feel if I was a doctor?

Go ahead. Be a doctor.

I get to be both.

Hey, Tammy, lucky day. You want to be an amigo?

Linda says we're all coughing at 7 o 'clock to goof on the teacher. You want

I got a better idea. Let's not cough at 7 o 'clock and goof on Linda.

Okay, let's get started, everybody. Please take your seats.

There's one right here.

Of course there is.

So, uh...

Can anyone tell me which way you turn your wheels when you're parking uphill,

Linda? Well, um, I was out late last night, so I kind of didn't read the

I don't think that's a very good excuse.

Wow, are you right.

What? The correct answer is away from the curb.

Very good, Dr. Miller. And once again.

Wow. I want my seat back.

I don't see your name. I'll go find another one.

Or better yet, go get us some latte.

Adios, amigo.

Could you please take your seat?

Fine.

A zinc lawsuit.

Get away from me!

If you need medical attention, perhaps the lovely Dr.

Miller... She is not a doctor, okay?

She is a dental assistant. Her job is to throw away used floss.

She was a D student, and the only way she got through high school was by

off me, okay? I am the smart one. She's just faking it.

Speaking of faking it...

I'll take my D's over your A's and go.

Hey, what are you two doing down here?

We're done with being your slaves.

Then I guess I'd better go have a little word with your mother.

Well, be sure to tell her that we found her karaoke machine.

What, the one that was stolen?

Oh, give it up, Dad. We know you hit it.

Ah, well, you got me. I guess I'd better go finish the attic on my own. It's not

up there. We moved it.

Well, looks like you kids beat me at my own game.

Unless, of course, I have a trump card.

What are you talking about? You're not going to give her that machine back.

Why not?

Because you don't want her singing any more than I do. She's terrible.

When she sings, angels die.

Remember karaoke night?

He's right.

When she sang, I will survive, we barely did.

Amateurs. Back to work, my slaves. No, no, I'm not backing down, Dad. To hell

with the consequences.

Nothing can be worse than being stuck in the attic.

I thought you said you hid it. We did.

Hey, look what I found in the closet.

The closet?

Amateurs.

You know what this means?

I'm bringing back karaoke night.

Oh, darn.

Well, we got to go back up to the attic and finish our work. Yeah, we'd better

get up there.

We? Oh, I'm coming with you.

Hit me with your best shot.

I wouldn't have it any other way.