Original subtitles

Hey, what's with the robe? It's two in the afternoon.

Judy, you forget, starting today, I'm on vacation.

Up here, I'm on a beautiful tropical island, and you're the native innkeeper.

Has your underwear gone on vacation, too?

The airline lost my bag.

No, it's pretty much right there.

Don't get too comfortable. I need you to pick up the dry cleaning.

I can barely understand your broken English, but yes, a massage after lunch

should be just fine.

Oh, look, Lauren got a mini -me.

Look at this. We went shopping for new school clothes, and she bought the exact

same stuff I did.

That's because I look up to you, and you're my hero.

No, you're just doing it to bug me. And it's working.

Colorful chatter of the local urchins.

Come back later and I'll let one of you bead my hair.

Mom!

Fancy! Shut up!

What are you doing?

It's called raking.

You bored?

Yeah.

Well, let's see. I got the windows to wash, the hedges to trim, four loads of

laundry. So, when do you think you'll be making lunch?

Why don't you go introduce yourself to the guy who's moving in next door?

New people?

I don't know.

We'll meet him eventually when he finds out where you've been dumping your motor

oil.

That's not helping.

You're right. Leaves are boring.

We got any firecrackers? That's it.

losers home in the middle of the day.

Hello? Hi.

We want to welcome you to the neighborhood. I'm Judy Miller.

And this is?

Bill Miller.

Hi, I'm Kyle Polsky. Oh, look, Bill. Kyle's wearing a Cubs hat.

I bet he likes baseball.

You like baseball, too.

baseball.

So, uh, Polsky.

Is that like Polsky beer?

Yeah, that's my family's business. My grandfather was Adolphus Polsky.

Wow, really?

You're a Polsky beer, Polsky?

Do you, uh, do you run the company?

No, I let my brothers do that, but I have a very important duty.

Really? What's that?

Staying home and not causing another shareholder's revolt.

So, you don't work at all?

Nope. And I get all my beer for free.

Cool.

I love beer and I hate to work, too.

Cool. You want to come over? I'm building a wiffle ball court. Wiffle

I love beer.

Can I go, Judy?

Please? Please? Just be home before the streetlights come on. Judy, I'm not a

kid. Hey, Kyle, wait up!

Go change. I'm tired of you copying me. I'm not copying you. Look, I'm wearing a

scarf belt.

Yeah? Well, that's stupid.

Uh, actually, that's kind of in right now. I thought in this month's Vogue.

Vogue? What?

Sometimes they wear see -through stuff and those studios can be very cold.

Look, you guys don't know anything about fashion.

Ooh, Tina, cute outfit.

Love the scarf belt.

It is what the really hot models are wearing on the runways in Milan.

Oh, that reminds me, Brian. I want my Vogue back.

Or do I?

Yeah, I could do that look. I have that same scarf.

You have that same scarf.

Hi!

Hi! Hey, hey, hey!

What's the hurry?

Me and Kyle were playing and the wiffle ball got stuck up in a tree.

I got to use this football to get it back down.

Bill, wait.

Well, I'm really happy for you that you made a new friend, but can you talk to

me for like two minutes?

Okay.

So, what else do you do at Kyle's house besides playing wiffle ball? Oh, his

house is awesome.

There's this great bar on the patio with a couple of big screen TVs. There's a

pool table in the living room. Sounds cool.

You wouldn't like it, but hey, hey, look, the new... Fashion Monthly's in.

Ooh, Kate Hudson and peasant blouses are back.

Oh, oh, that's him chirping me right now.

Bill, did you find the football?

Over.

Walkie talkies.

Kyle's idea, you know, for emergencies.

Got the football right here. Over.

Great. Did you ask your wife about Vegas?

Over.

What about Vegas?

He asked me if I wanted to go to Vegas with him. He's getting a suite at the

Bellagio, but I told him you probably wouldn't let me. That's not fair. Don't

make me sound like the enemy of fun.

Oh, so I can go? It's only for two weeks. What? No!

You can't go, but don't make me the heavy. It's because you have to work on

Monday. Oh, I hate work.

Why did I marry for looks instead of money?

Why did I marry for neither?

The scoreboard's up. Over.

the scoreboards up.

Scoreboard? What scoreboard?

What the fuck?

I know.

It's amazing, isn't it? It's the original scoreboard from Polsky Field.

just sitting in a warehouse at the brewery.

Why didn't they just move the whole brewery back there, too?

Oh, God.

Judy has a great idea. Over.

Look, I'm not trying to be unreasonable here, okay? The guy can have a

scoreboard, but does it have to be big enough to bungee off of?

You can't bungee off of it.

You know, maybe it is a little big.

Oh, so can you please ask him to take it down? I would do it myself, but you

already made him think I'm the fun crusher.

You're not the fun crusher.

I'll tell him.

Although the news may go down easier if we're sipping drinks poolside at the

Bellagio.

Or I could just tell him now.

Big.

Really big. Over.

Well, me and Bill were hoping you could get maybe a smaller scoreboard.

Well, that's weird, because me and Bill were really excited about it, right,

Bill?

Yeah, but now that we're out here looking at it, it's pretty overwhelming,

right, Bill?

That's what's great about it. Yeah, that is what's great about it.

Come on, it's baseball, it's apple pie, it's America.

You love America, don't you, Judy?

Of course she loves America, and I love all pies.

Well, then we're good then.

Hey, I'm good. It was more of Judy's thing.

Hey, I got some of my mateys. Let's blow up some wiffle balls.

Can I, Judy? Okay, bye!

Thanks for handling that, Bill!

Marriage is a partnership!

Are

you

still mad at me?

Yeah.

Would you be a little less mad at me if you knew I washed all the dishes and put

them away?

No.

Then I'm glad I didn't do that.

You totally sold me out to Kyle today, Bill. It was humiliating. I was just

being friendly. You're the one who wanted me to make friends with Kyle.

I want you to make friends with him, not fall in love with him.

Stupid. We're not in love.

Why, did he say something?

Hey, Steve, you got a man crush.

Kyle and I may be good friends, but I'd hardly say I have a man crush.

What is that?

What? Oh, Kyle printed these up and I ironed them onto T -shirts.

You ironed for him?

You never ironed anything for me.

Would it make you less angry if tomorrow I did all the ironing?

Yes. Crap.

Look.

I'm sorry. I just got a little carried away.

But you're still more important to me than anybody in this whole world.

I appreciate that.

But, Bill, if something like this comes up again, I need to know that you're

going to be on my side. I will. I will.

I'm a little ashamed of myself.

And now, if you're up for it, I'd like to be a lot ashamed of myself.

You know what? I'm tired. Maybe in the morning.

Finally, I thought morning would never come.

It's not morning.

It's a blinding light coming from the neighbor's yard. Oh, my God, it's that

stupid scoreboard.

Welcome to the first night game here at the new Posty Field.

Oh, my God, Bill, he's not going to start having night games. That's crazy.

are we supposed to ever sleep?

You're right. I love the guy, but this has gone too far. I've got to work in

morning. I'm going to go over there and tell him to turn that damn thing off.

You're my man.

What is that?

Are there flying saucers?

I knew it. I knew this day would come and you all laughed at me.

Just give him a minute. He has a pack of inhalers.

It's not a flying saucer. It's just the lights from Mr.

Polsky's yard.

How are we supposed to sleep?

The lights will be turned off in a minute, honey. Your father's over there

now.

Hey,

Linda. Hey, what's going on?

Kind of looking for some fashion advice.

Oh, you want my advice?

Oh, God, no.

Where's Tina?

Uh, I think she already left for school. What, you're actually taking fashion

advice from Tina?

Well, yeah. I mean, believe it or not, that little torp has an amazing sense of

style.

Yeah, I started copying her, and then all my friends started copying me.

It's what makes me unique.

Hey, come on. No, listen to yourself.

You've got your own wonderful sense of style. You get that from me.

I've always dressed exactly the way I've wanted to, and I've never cared what

people thought.

Obviously.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. It's just it kind of looks like you're wearing Grandma's bedspread.

I knew it was too busy.

I knew it. The salesman and Marshall Fields lied. The gays hate me!

Well, I think I'm going to drop by Tina's school and see what she's

It's okay, I can drop you.

I can stop by the mall and give the evil eye to a certain queer guy.

Hey, I, uh, no, I just slept on the couch. The game went late, and I didn't

to disturb you.

Honey, the only thing that disturbs me is that I'm still in this marriage.

I asked you to go over there to turn the lights off, and you ended up playing

till what? Two in the morning?

Uh, honey, honey, I'm sorry. I didn't... You know what, Bill? I am not angry,

okay? I don't want to hear it. I'm just resigned to the fact that I cannot

compete with your man love for Kyle.

Well, don't say that. You're still in the game.

Oh, you just might have to work a little harder, that's all. I mean, for

instance, you did mention something about this morning.

Sure, Bill.

Let's go.

Maybe later.

Oh,

the slides are off.

Tried to chirp you on the walkie -talkie to tell you.

Yeah, I guess I forgot to turn it on.

Bill, what if it was an emergency?

Okay, I'm going to have to get us both flare guns.

Cool. Oh, I almost forgot.

This is your invitation to the VIP brewery tour tomorrow night.

We're introducing a new beer.

A tour of the brewery, and I got a golden ticket.

But there's no way I can use it. Judy's still mad at me for last night. You

know, she sort of thinks I like you more than her.

What are you talking about?

It's not like we're boyfriends.

You just like to come over and play with my junk.

Yeah, well, it was my fault. I haven't really backed her up on the whole

scoreboard thing. She wanted me to get you to take it down.

Well, it's coming down anyway.

What? Some guy from the city came by this morning and ordered me to get rid

it. Something about the glare, messing with the planes, coming into O 'Hare.

Wow.

So anyway, some guys are coming tomorrow to take it down. I wish I'd known. I

could have taken credit for it.

Hey, you still can.

Come over tomorrow with Judy and demand that I take it down.

And I'll say, no way, chump. And you'll say, you better, because the lady don't

like it, neither does the man.

And, uh, who's the man?

You. You're the man. Oh, cool.

Cool.

Are you sure this is what you're going to wear to school today?

Yep.

Sure?

I'm positive.

Okay. I can't wait to see what my friends are going to think.

Oh,

that's right. Your school...

having wacky clothes and hair day.

You're going to get a lot of laughs.

I'm not the only one.

I'm tired of this, Polsky. I demand that you take this scoreboard down.

No way, chump. Who the hell are you calling a chump?

You better take that ugly thing down because the lady don't like it and

does the man.

And you're the man?

Oh, Judy, I'm sorry you had to hear this. I'm just telling Kyle exactly what

can do with that stupid scoreboard.

What are you going to do to me if I don't?

You're going to get up in my grill pretty bad, aren't you? Yeah.

Well, let me tell you something, Miller. That scoreboard's not going anywhere.

You can stay until you're blue in the face. It's not budging one inch. I don't

care what your wife says.

It's not just my wife. It's both of us. We're a team.

And I don't care if you don't want to be friends with me anymore. I like playing

with my wife's junk a lot more than I like playing with your junk. And if you

saw her junk, you'd know exactly what I mean.

Scoreboard's gone. That's right, honey. It's as good as gone.

No, it's gone.

That's more like it, Polsky.

Bill. It was obvious it was already coming down.

Sorry, buddy.

When they say they're going to be here between nine and one, who expects them

nine?

So this whole fight was some show for my benefit? What is this, some big joke?

Why? Do you think it's funny?

You two suck.

Boy, you got your hands full with that one.

Glad I'm not married to her. Hey, it's not Judy's fault.

All I'm saying is she seems like a lot of work. No, no, I'm a lot of work.

a saint.

One of your hotter saints.

Bill, whose side are you on?

Look, Kyle, you and I are friends, and I couldn't be happier that you moved in

next door, but don't ever think you can talk about my wife like that. She's the

most important thing in the world to me.

Okay, I get it.

I crossed the line.

I apologize.

You still coming with me to the brewery tonight?

You know what?

I really think I'd rather spend an evening at home with my wife.

And kids?

No, just the wife.

You're lucky you have someone you feel that way about.

I just hope that one day I'll be mature enough to have a relationship like that.

So,

you think I'm a hot saint, huh?

You heard that?

Every word.

Thank you.

It's beautiful.

Especially the part about how you want to spend time with me and not the kids.

And I meant that. Thank you.

I just feel terrible we had our first big fight.

What do you mean? We've had hundreds of fights.

Talking about me and Kyle.

Yes, yes, I'm here, and I'm friendly.

I'll be there in ten minutes.

Be ready to go.

Okay, I just have to say goodbye to the family and pack my inhaler.