Original subtitles

All right, I guess I'll have to call earlier next year.

Yeah, bye.

Bad news. Too late to get Tina into Mother Goose summer camp.

The fire marshal limits the amount of children you can fit in this shoe.

Mother Goose camp?

Month ago, it was an Arby's.

Great. Who's going to watch Tina this summer? Hey, I'm more disappointed than

you. I was going to spend my summer at that Arby's.

Great news.

My teacher says I'm going to pass basic math. What?

You see, I got a 72 on my midterm and a 68 on my final, which is like an average

of... Who cares? I'm past the basic math.

Who told you to sit next to a smart kid?

Thank you, Daddy.

I can't believe it. No summer school this year. I'm free. I'm going to do

nothing but lay out by the lake all summer. Ooh, well, make sure Tina wears

plenty of sunscreen.

She burns easily.

Wait, I'm watching Tina? Well, we couldn't find a day camp, and your

I don't want to have to come home from work and spend every second of the

staring into that bored, pathetic little... Angel face.

Tina, honey, bad news.

We can't send you to day camp this summer. We're sorry. We forgot.

Forgot, huh?

But I'm sure there's plenty of beer in the fridge.

I'm still in love with you to say Cause you make me happy

Okay,

what about this camp, Tina? It says you can learn how to square dance.

In fact, I went there one summer.

Next.

Well, you're going to have to pick one because we're not spending a summer

together.

Hey, how do you feel about the circus?

Cool, there's a circus camp.

Well, no, but the circus is hiring.

It says must fit in canon.

I don't think that's going to work, Lauren.

Sure it will, Mom. You just grease her up, you stuff her in there. Yeah, keep

looking.

Hey, you mind if I borrow that camping gear again? My son and I got that PFLAG

camp out this weekend. Oh, that annual gay camp out with your gay son in the

woods?

Yeah. Do you learn arts and crafts from that Indian from the village people?

Sure, they might get a little fancy now and then, but it's still a bunch of guys

out in the woods roughing it.

Oh, you're going camping again? Do you need to borrow my napkin rings?

No, we're going to hike to Crate and Barrel the first day.

I'm just going to grab the camping gear from the basement.

You know, I thought this was going to be the summer that you and Brian finally

went camping. Yeah, we'll have to do that one of these summers.

Come on, Bill. Your dad took you camping.

Oh, yeah, that was a lot of fun.

I'd hide up in a tree while he stumbled around drunk with his crossbow yelling,

Get down here, you sissy, and put the apple back on your head.

That explains your fear of fruit.

Hey, guys, I got accepted into that foreign exchange program, and I'm going

Italy for the summer.

Congratulations,

son. Oh, wow, it is so wonderful when two cultures come together and... Wait a

minute, this doesn't mean we have to take an Italian kid in, do we?

No, no, this requires no effort on your part. Oh, just the way we like it.

So how'd you swing this? Dad, you were with me when I applied.

We, uh, we went downtown with the student model you're in.

We had our picture taken with the mayor.

You bought that giant pretzel with the pizza filling? Oh, yeah, yeah.

From that vendor, Eddie. Yeah, he was out of Sprite that day.

Yeah, I tried squirt, and I liked it.

What's going on? Oh, Brian is going to spend the summer in Europe. Maybe it was

Slice.

God, that is so exciting. What country are you going to?

Italy.

Italia. La bella countryside.

And a magical summer I spent there.

Hey, Bill, where are your lanterns? The Coleman lantern's right next to the

bench. No, I'm talking about your Chinese lanterns.

We're doing a campfire dim sum.

I know where they are, Fitz. Bill, give me a hand.

Oh, I'm sorry, everybody. It was a Sierra mist.

So, I never knew you went to Italy.

Yeah, I was there out of college.

I think it's so great that you were not afraid to do something like this. Well,

I think I am a little nervous. I've never been so far away from home for so

long. Oh, Brian, come on. It's going to be wonderful. You're going to have an

adventure like mine. God.

I went all through Europe with just the money in my pocket and the clothes on my

back. Oh.

Because my luggage was stolen at the airport.

Really? Yeah.

God, it was beautiful.

I mean, it was Europe. One rainy night in France, I spent a night in a 300

-old barn where I got Lyme disease.

You got Lyme disease? That's horrible.

If it wasn't for that, I never would have met Jacques, that handsome French

doctor who helped me with my... Oh, God, how do they say that in French?

Légions.

What a whirlwind romance that was.

He introduced me to the Parisian nightlife, then he introduced me to his

then they robbed me.

What? Oh, my God.

Yeah, but it's Europe, you know?

So beautiful.

Wish I could show you the pictures, but I had to sell my camera for antibiotics.

Ryan, you're late.

Yeah, I'm two hours past my curfew and I will understand if you want to punish

me by making me cancel my trip and... Dad.

Brian, you're late.

I know, I know. I was supposed to be home two hours ago and...

And this is the third time this week.

It's past midnight. If you're going to stay out this late, you should call us.

That's it? That's how you're going to handle this?

Yeah, it's no biggie. You guys, I've shown a wanton disregard for your rules

regulations, okay? And this is some very iffy behavior I'm getting into here.

It's normal.

You're finally catching up with other boys your age.

What's this? I dropped something.

It's a pack of cigarettes.

I am so busted.

Goodbye, Europe.

I'm not going to bust you for holding on to someone else's cigarette.

Well, how do you know they're not mine?

We know you don't smoke. Your throat closes up when we burn toast.

You know what, Judy? I don't think he's ready to go to Europe.

Really? No, I wouldn't feel right putting you on a plane.

Not without this brand new backpack.

There's a pocket for your inhaler and a zipper compartment for your allergy

medications.

You can keep your cigarettes wherever you want.

Great, guys. After I die from Lyme disease, I can shit my body back in it.

Thank you.

Gee, he doesn't seem too happy. You think he's having second thoughts?

He was acting a little weird.

I bet he's scared and he's afraid to admit it because... will make fun of him

like we always do.

Like calling him crying Brian, too scared of flying?

That was way too easy.

I don't blame him for being scared. Italy is really far away from here, you

know? A lot could go wrong over there with the different languages, the

confusing subways, the euro.

Uh, that's a little racist, Judy.

No, Bill, euros is what they call their money.

Oh.

Stupid foreigners.

Well, if he doesn't want to go, I'm not going to make him go. You know, maybe

he's just not ready. No, no. Brian's got to get out there and spread his wings.

Otherwise, he might end up like Tacklin' Ted McGee.

Who? Tacklin' Ted.

He played defense on my junior high football team. We called him Tacklin'

because he liked to tackle people. Clever nickname.

What'd they call you?

The nickname giver.

Which I changed to Nicky G.

The night before football camp started, Ted chickened out and his parents let

him stay home.

Well, maybe that was for the best. No, it wasn't. Ted's parents coddled him, so

Ted never left his parents' house. Never did anything.

You know, we should go upstairs and talk to Brian. We don't want him to end up

like that.

Yeah, poor Ted gave up football, never tackled anyone again.

Well, until the president came to town, then he made the news.

Hey,

that's the spirit. You're practicing Italian.

Yeah, I just learned how to say, here's my wallet, please don't shoot.

Honey, you know, it's okay to be a little scared about going far away from

Who says I'm scared?

No one. And if you were, I'd tell you not to be.

You're about to fly across the ocean to a beautiful, exotic part of the old

world.

It's Florida, Dad.

Where you'll change planes and continue on that -a -way.

This -a -way.

Ryan, a lot of times in life, a lot of things are scary, but you need to

overcome your fears and just go for it.

Otherwise, you'll end up regretting the things you could have done but never

did. It's a big world out there.

Just look at it.

And we're not even seeing the other side.

Actually, Mom, that is the whole world.

Well, excuse us, son.

We don't know flat maps. We learned geography the old -fashioned way on a

ball.

All I'm saying is it's better to go out there and see the world instead of

sleeping underneath it.

This is an opportunity your father and I never had.

It would be a shame for you to miss out on it.

Well, maybe you're right, Mom.

It's kind of like what John Greenleaf Whittier said. Of all the words of

or pen, the saddest are these.

It might have been.

Sounds like your friend John was enjoying a little of the Greenleaf when

wrote that.

Maybe it would be good to spend a summer away from here.

looking forward to spending the summer with you and your family, Signore di

Gazzulo. No, I've always dreamed of going to the opera.

No, my parents aren't really opera people. They're more soap opera people.

I do love my stories.

Is he on the phone to that Italian guy again? He's been blabbing to him every

day for the past three weeks.

Oh, it hasn't been every day. And with the language barrier, I'm sure they find

Brian fascinating.

In Italian, he's probably not a nerd.

Okay, we'll just give everyone there my best, senorita.

Papa.

Okay, Papa.

Okay, I'll leave it at that.

So, how were the gazoolos? They're great. They just called me from their

house on Lake Como.

Sounds like he does pretty well on a cobbler's salary.

He's a lawyer.

He works in Milan all week, which is why he likes to get out into the country.

We're going to go fishing and hiking in the woods. Oh, I'd be careful. In my old

neighborhood, if you went into the woods with a couple of Italians, you never

came out.

Well, don't scare him like that.

But seriously, while you're over there, never start your own car.

Okay. The important thing is that I'll be learning about the Italian culture,

which you two might want to take a crack at all.

I'll have a family that I can really do stuff with. You know, Papa's even going

to take me camping.

Brian, you know, you don't have to call him Papa.

No, I kind of like it. It makes me feel like I'm really part of their family.

All right, well, I'm going to go see if there's any football on.

It's not football season.

No, Dad, football is what the Italians call soccer. It's Papa's favorite sport,

so I thought I'd learn about it. I'll tell you everything you need to know

it in two words.

Boring!

Brian's going to have the time of his life over there.

Yeah? Yeah, he's going to come back a different kid. Not even a kid. He's

to come back a man.

I guess you're right.

You know, I think I'm going to take Brian on that camping trip.

What? You know, the one he and I have been talking about forever.

Wow. Well, you better check with the Weather Bureau because I think hell just

froze over.

So we'll go to Wisconsin.

Just wait till I tell Brian. Oh, I better go air out that tent.

Didn't Fitz return it clean?

Yeah, but it always comes back smelling like potpourri.

Hey. Hey, Mom, I think I finally found a summer camp for Tina. Look.

Miss Palmer's Etiquette Camp.

Come on, Tina doesn't need to go to an editor.

Tina,

what do we say when we burp? Better out the front door than out the back.

I don't know.

You making an earth ball?

I'm just waiting on Brian. I don't know where the hell that kid is. We're going

to lose our campsite.

Well, it's great you want to take him camping, but Brian has a lot to do. I

mean, he is going to Europe.

Oh, my God, I can't believe my baby boy's going to Europe. It's really

happening. Europe, Europe. I'm tired of hearing about it. He's not the first one

to take a big trip. I went all the way to Indiana to get fireworks, and you

didn't see me planning my trip for weeks.

Well, maybe you should have. You forgot your money and ran out of gas.

Hey, guys. Where have you been? Your mother's been climbing the walls. Isn't

that right, Judy?

No. See?

I'm sorry, Dad, but you kind of threw this camping thing at me at the last

minute. I've got a lot of important stuff to do before my trip. Oh, well, if

you've got important stuff to do, I wouldn't want to waste your time with a

stupid camping trip. Forget it. It's canceled.

I said I'm sorry, Dad. Why are you so upset? Because I planned this trip, and

was looking forward to it. Since when were you ever looking forward to this

trip? Every year you promised to take me, and then every year you make some

excuse not to go.

There was always a very good reason I couldn't go.

Like the time you were too shook up over Princess Di?

Judy, she was England's rose.

I can't believe you. I'm leaving and now all of a sudden you want to be super

dad? Well, I think it's a little late. That's it. You're grounded from Europe.

What? You heard me. I forbid you to leave this continent.

You can't do that. Watch me. This sucks.

That was incredibly childish.

I know. Do you believe that, kid? I am talking about you.

Crazy? You can't ground him from Europe. What's really going on here? I just

wanted to go camping with him. A son should want to go camping with his

You said you hated it when you were a kid.

I did.

Well, then why is this so important to you?

Well, there was this one time, when I was about Brian's age, my dad called me

over to the campfire, popped open a beer, and told me I could have a sip.

Then we sat there for a while.

It was nice.

It was the first time I really felt like he thought of me as a man.

Bill, you could still have that with Brian, but you better hurry up because

is getting on a plane to Italy. Ah, forget it, forget it. Going camping with

obviously isn't that important to him. Let him go camping with Papa.

He can give him his first sip of vino barbarino or whatever.

Yes, Mom. I'm all set. There was no need for you guys to come with me to the

gate. You're an unaccompanied minor, and my baby boy, you're lucky I'm not

folded up in your suitcase.

I'll call you when I land. Go and have a wonderful time.

And remember, if anything happens, please, please practice safe sex.

Mom, could you please not whisper that in my ear while you're hugging me?

Sorry.

It's just so hard to let go.

Goodbye, Mom.

Bill, your son's leaving for the rest of the summer. Isn't there anything you

want to say to him?

See you, kid.

Don't forget to write.

Well, I'll be sending you emails, plus I'll be blogging every day. Don't worry,

you'll get used to the food.

Okay, well, I'll talk to you soon.

What kind of goodbye was that?

I'm not his mother. Guys say goodbye differently. Well, I guess this is

I love you, son.

I love you more, Dad. Nah, I love you more.

Ah, get a room.

I want to watch the plane take off.

Go into the ladies' room. Order me an overpriced beer and an undercooked

Brian, I need to talk to you.

What is it now? Just take a minute. Come on.

I've got a bottle of beer, please.

Look, uh...

I'm sorry I got so mad at you about the whole camping thing.

It's okay, Dad. No, no, it's not okay.

I just felt guilty I hadn't made an effort to spend more time with you when

were growing up.

You know, you assume there's going to be plenty of time to do things with your

boy, and next thing you know, you're watching a man hop on a plane and fly

We'll have plenty of time to do stuff when I get back.

Well, I want to do something together before you leave.

Dad, the plane's boarding. Here, here.

It'd be a damn shame if your first sip of beer was with anyone but your old

Aren't we going to get in trouble?

Oh, airports are like international waters. They're not subject to American

values.

Really? No, just drink up.

What do you think?

It's good.

You are my son.

I've never been so proud of you.

You know, there's a good chance that next year I'll be valedictorian.

Great. After that deal he's done, we'll have another beer.

I, uh... I better get going.

Well, uh...

Have a great trip, son.

Better go before your mom gets back. She'll get all worked up. You know how

women are. What are you, slicing onions back there?