Original subtitles

Brian, what's the matter? You've been staring at that book for over an hour.

I don't want to talk about it.

He has a crush on a girl at school.

Shut up.

Her name is Terry Tyler, and she doesn't know he's alive.

Tina, that's the last time I open up to you about anything.

Good.

Aw, Bri, Bri, I know you're hurting now, but... I know, I know. No matter what

that girl thinks, I'll always be your handsome prince.

I was going to say, buck up.

My prince? That's creepy, Brian. I'm your mom.

You know, if you want to catch a girl's eye, you might consider investing in

some hair gel.

You really think hair gel will get Carrie's attention?

Well, it couldn't hurt.

Unless you want to stay with this whole Reagan look.

You know, you actually have a lot of potential.

With a little bit of work, you could actually be a... a pretty good -looking

guy.

Wow, I kept it down.

Oh, thanks.

You know what? I could show you. We could do a whole different look. Really?

You'd do that for me?

Yeah. I mean, it'd be a challenge. Like climbing that dumb mountain you're

always talking about.

Everest. Yeah, except this is real.

Lauren, Mount Everest is real.

Uh -huh, and so is Middle Earth.

Thanks, Lauren. I don't know what to say. This is going to be great.

Oh, hey, Dad. Say goodbye to the Brian Miller you've always known. Bye.

Aren't you going to ask me why?

Is it because you're nerdy and girls don't like you?

No.

Yeah.

Great

news,

Judy. You got the car fixed?

Nope, won't be ready for another week. We are the proud owners of this.

A tow truck and a Mexican guy?

Oh, the sweet, sweet ride he's towing. What did you do?

I got us a muscle car, baby.

I've always wanted to fix up one of these, and now I'm gonna.

Really? Name one thing that you wanted to fix and actually fixed.

Name one thing I said I was gonna fix and didn't.

This lamp.

This drill.

This table, and that's just what I can see. Do you want me to turn around and

continue? No, these, these are chores.

This is my dream.

Oh, you drive this car in your dream.

That explains all the backfiring I hear every night.

Hey! Hello, sister of my lover.

Harry! Well, see you later, honey. Have fun working on your video.

Your Foghat cover band's making a video? Oh, actually, Perry's decided to make a

video of one of his original songs.

Yeah, it's going to rock.

It starts with me on the Great Wall of China, yeah? I'm singing into this

mirror, and then my mirror image steps out of the mirror, starts singing backup

vocals, yeah?

Then the mirror shatters. Tiny versions of me come flying out. Hello, hello,

hello, hello.

A message.

All peoples of the world can coexist in peace.

It gives you chills, doesn't it? Makes me shudder.

I'll see you later, TK.

Bye. Bye.

Wow.

Music video.

Sounds expensive.

I know, but Perry says the pressure of having some of our money on the line

force him to write a really great song.

Wait, he hasn't even written the song yet?

It's his process, Judy.

He says he does his best work when his back's against the wall.

Could that be a padded wall?

Judy, this is his dream.

I understand, but should he be throwing away your money when you're trying to

save for a wedding?

I don't know. Maybe you're right. Of course I am. I mean, if this guy's going

be your husband, you have to set him straight. I mean, guys are not that

Judy, I think you've stripped the socket.

Righty -tighty, Bill.

Oh, it changed it.

Said the guy who was going to rebuild a car.

Oh, that reminds me, Linda. Bill's car's in the shop. Can you give him a ride to

work this week?

Depends. I mean, does he have to ride in the car with me, or can I strap him to

the hood like a dead deer?

She's right. Not even a dead deer would want to ride with her.

Fine, you two don't want to carpool. You can go back to doing your laundry at a

laundromat and you can walk to work.

Fine, maybe we will.

Yeah, you're not the boss of us.

Stupid Judy.

Thinks she's the boss of us.

She thinks she's so smart.

I could walk to work if I wanted to.

You want to?

Stupid Judy.

Yeah, she's kind of a pain, but, you know, she did give me some pretty good

advice the other day.

What's that?

Well, Perry wants to do this music video, but Judy says I should just tell

no. I know it's his dream, but... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. You're

telling Perry not to follow his dreams because of something Judy said?

Let me tell you something about Judy. She's a dream squatter.

Check the bottoms of her shoes.

Covered in my dreams.

So you think I should let him do it?

Listen, guys need encouragement.

You think Mrs. Columbus ever said to Christopher, don't discover the new

We're fine with the spices we have.

Say no to this and Terry might hold it against you forever.

You know what? I think you're right. I'm going to just tell him to go for it.

Thank you, Bill. You're welcome.

You know, I know we have our differences and we give each other a lot of guff,

but the truth is I'm proud to have you as... Oh, there's somebody I know. Drive

fast. Drive fast.

Where's Bill? You did remember to bring him home, right?

Yeah, he'll be right in. He just got distracted by something on the way from

car. Want a beer? No, no, I can't stay. Perry wants me to look at the

storyboards for his video.

Oh, I thought you were going to tell him that was a bad idea.

Yeah, actually, um, I decided I would tell Perry I'm behind him 100%. What?

Why? Well, I got a second opinion.

What kind of idiot would tell you to do that?

Here.

I just traded scarves with a neighbor's snowman.

I think it's cashmere.

You've got to be kidding me. Look, his advice worked. As soon as I told Perry I

supported his dreams, he stayed up all night and wrote a song. He's even got a

manager interested in him.

Really? That's right, Judy.

Despite your best efforts to squash his dreams, the man rose to the occasion.

Turns out you're not always right.

How does it feel?

So that's what this is all about. You're still sore at me for not letting you

buy that stupid car, so you're giving my sister bad advice?

Okay, Judy, you probably shouldn't be so tough on Bill. He's rather insightful

when it comes to the male psyche.

Hear that, Judy?

Insightful.

Fully in sight.

And you're going to listen to him? Why shouldn't you? You know, you've had 38

years to fix this poor woman's life, and look at her. She's a mess.

No offense.

None taken, you're right.

Oh, so now I'm the cause of everything that's gone wrong in Linda's life? All

I'm saying is maybe you should have a little more faith in me, that I can fix

old, rusted -out shell of a thing, be it a muscle car or a sister.

Once again, no offense.

No, but getting closer.

Okay, you know what? You want to listen to him? You want to give her advice?

Go ahead, knock yourselves out. I'm sure it'll work out great. Well, I just want

to say thank you.

Both for me and this poor, pathetic, barely -functioning disaster. Offense!

Offense!

I think I cleaned your sideburns up pretty good. Have a look. Oh, great.

Hey, uh, do my eyebrows look a little uneven to you?

I don't know, maybe a little, but, you know, a girl would have to be really

close to notice.

Well, that's the goal here. You get her close. I'll take it from there.

You're gonna have to hold really still, okay?

Oh, wait, wait. Hold on.

I can feel a sneeze coming up.

Okay, Pat.

Okay, good.

This is very delicate. You just can't go sneezing right in the middle of it,

okay?

That was funny. I thought I was going to sneeze.

Then you sneezed.

What? Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah.

It's great.

Yeah, you're good to go. Watch out, Carrie. Here comes Johnny Depp.

Excuse me.

Why? Uh, because I need to talk to her. Thanks to you, my life is falling apart.

You screwed up everything, Bill!

Wait, wait, wait.

What could have possibly happened that's so bad you'd consider crawling back to

Judy? Perry wants to postpone the wedding and risk our entire savings on

pursuing some stupid pipe dream of becoming a rock star.

Okay, okay. I can handle it. Just, just let me think.

Maybe I should get some coffee.

I'm going to need some cream.

You know what?

Too much cream. I'm going to need some more.

I've got nothing!

Help! Oh, good. Okay, I'm going to talk to Judy. No, no, wait. You can't. Why?

If you remember, yesterday we made some pretty big talk.

And if you go back to her now, she'll make you eat those words. I hardly think

Judy is going to be that unforgiving. Hey, geniuses, everything falling apart

yet?

What's that supposed to mean?

Come on.

Bill, trying to fix your life?

That's porn.

Stupid gas on crazy fire.

I don't think we're as helpless as you make us out to be.

Okay. Good luck, then. I'll be watching from the sidelines far enough away so I

don't get spattered by anything that may or may not hit the fan.

Who am I kidding? I don't have to worry because you never fix the fan.

Okay, Bill, you got one day.

That's more than enough time. I know I can find a solution.

I'm a problem solver. That's who I am, the guy who solves problems.

Dad, you gotta help me. Lauren shaved half my eyebrow.

Man, you are screwed.

Take a look.

Well, Lauren, I think you might have found the answer.

Yeah? Yeah, to the question, what looks dumber than having half an eyebrow?

I told you I could make you a new eyebrow. No, no, okay, we're not gluing

on, we're not painting one on, and I'm not going to wear a stupid bandana or an

eye patch.

Hey, what about these?

Grandma's cataract glasses?

They're worth a try.

Look, I've got to tell you, they don't look that bad.

Really? Yeah.

Hi, Mom.

Comfortable? No.

Mind some company?

Honey, no offense, but I want a little room for the water.

The tub here.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Take a seat.

Linda left, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

She's a fun kid.

You know, Bill, I know I've been raving you, Linda, but I'm really happy that

you've taken over solving Linda's problems. I didn't realize the life it

out of me.

I actually feel like I have more blood.

And I'm loving it too. You know, it's great to help people.

Man, life is weird.

Weird, weird, weird.

Strange, strange, strange, strange.

Huh? Ah, nothing, nothing.

It's just...

This lady that I work with, she's engaged to an aspiring artist.

Oh, a painter?

Sculptor. Well, sculptor -painter. He wants to sculpt things and then

paint them when he's done sculpting.

Okay. Anyway, he's been doing knock -offs, but he wants to start doing his

stuff, which is great, you know. But this lady, this friend of mine is...

is a little worried because now he's decided to postpone the wedding. So what

you think I should tell her?

Hmm. Well, that depends.

In the story, how stupid am I?

You? Judy, you don't even know this lady. She just transferred... Shut up.

Shut up. Okay.

Harry's thinking about postponing the wedding.

Well, yeah.

And you're in over your head and you need my help. No.

Oh, good. Then what are you going to tell Linda?

I'm going to tell Linda to tell

Perry that he

should... You got nothing.

That's not true. I'm between great ideas. I need a bridge.

Well, I suppose I could jump into this, provided you admit that I was right and

you were wrong.

That I rule and you drool. That I'm a hero and you're a big fat zero. Hold on,

hold on.

You're forgetting something.

Perry Song might be great.

That video might make him a star.

Then old Billy's advice looking pretty good.

Awful limb read to hang your head on, Poncho.

Is it? A lot of people said Mozart was no good when he started out.

Nobody said that. He was a prodigy when he was like three.

Yeah, well, I'm talking about when he was like two. Oh, Bill, just admit you

were wrong.

You know what? I got a good feeling about Perry's song.

I'm going with the old Bill instinct.

You say you want to go for a drive.

The party's started and it's coming live.

Your mom is hot, your dad is lazy.

You keep on getting, you keep on getting.

Want to have a ball all night with Perry every day.

Want to have a ball all night with Perry every day.

Perry! Yeah, sing along!

Perry, Perry.

This is your new original song?

Yeah, mate.

Uh, doesn't it sound an awful lot like that kid's song, Rock and Roll All

No.

I know that song. That's an anthem to my youth. That goes like this. It goes, I

want to rock and roll all night and party every day.

And this is who wants to have a ball all night.

Oh, bugger.

Yeah,

yeah, I should have caught that.

Yeah, well.

Did your manager say something?

Ah, well, he hasn't heard it yet. He's been a little busy.

Got some vacancies in the building he's trying to rent out.

Hold on. So, when you said you had a manager, you were talking about your

apartment manager.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm not on a baseball team.

I mean, my agent heard it and he loved it, though.

Oh, let me guess. Somebody who sold you insurance?

No, a legitimate agent.

Sends people on vacations all over the world.

Travel agent. God, look, Perry, maybe you should rethink this whole video

In what way?

Like, maybe not doing it. What?

You know, you can't have a video if you don't have a song.

Well, that will take care of itself. Listen, mate, you may not believe in me,

but Linda does.

But the thing is, she doesn't. She thinks it's a pipe dream.

Hey, guys.

Do you think my music sucks?

What? That's what Bill just said.

You told him I said that? No, of course not. He said you think my music is a

pipe dream.

Oh, yeah, I said that.

Why would you tell him I said that? So you do think it sucks? No, I don't.

Everything under control?

Dude, you've got to help us out here. She can't help you, Linda. There's only

one reason that I haven't fixed this situation, and it's this.

It can't be fixed.

Unfixable.

Perry, do you really need to do this video right now?

Well, not right now.

Well, good. Then take it slow, you know? Wait for inspiration.

Play small clubs. Try stuff out in front of people.

Yeah, I can live with that. I mean, the Great Wall's not going anywhere.

And neither are you.

Okay, do me, do me. Okay, you need to speak your mind. I know. I was just

thinking. Not right now. Not right now.

If Perry does something that you don't agree with, you need to tell him. That's

what marriage is all about, guys. Give and take.

Yeah, you're right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.

You're just telling her to squash his dreams.

But it's not that simple, Judy. If you don't let a guy follow his dreams, he'll

always regret what might have been.

Oh, really?

Like the time you wanted to build that tree -half casino because you didn't

think it was subject to the laws of the ground?

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Bill, a little advice.

Stay out of the advice business.

And I got some advice for you.

Okay.

I love you, sis. Oh, I love you too, baby.

Oh, that right there, Judy. That's inspiration you're talking about. Hold

Here it comes. Here it comes.

Sisters.

Sisters sharing a hug.

And a heart in their world.

Well, no thanks to you, I fixed the mess you made in my face. I put a band -aid

over my missing eyebrow and just told everyone at school that I got in a

Did it work?

Yeah, people actually thought I was tough.

That's great.

Well, I guess I can take this off now. I wonder if my eyebrow's going back in.

Ow. Ryan, you're doing it wrong.

Just gotta rip it off. Ow.

It's all gone, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

I wouldn't have it any other way Cause you make me happy