Original subtitles

Football, I love football.

It's my favorite kind of ball.

Cheeseball, I love cheeseball.

It's my second favorite ball.

What's going on?

Um, just fixing my kite. The aerodynamics of it are all wrong and

two months to fix it before kite club season.

There's a kite club?

Yeah, I'm vice president.

So if the president can't fulfill his duties, you get beat up by the football

team.

Hey, I was going to watch the game.

But Chris and I just started watching our movie.

Hi, Mr. Miller.

Hi, Chris. You're really over here a lot, aren't you?

I like it here.

Hey, you should have seen it back before there were so many people on the couch.

Can't you guys go watch the movie over at Chris's house?

We don't own a TV.

What do you do in your living room?

I sit around, read the paper.

Then what do you do in your bathroom?

Dad, could you please go watch the game upstairs, please?

Why?

Children. I hate children.

They're my least favorite kind of people.

food, do not eat.

Bill's house, do not care.

Chris? Mr. Miller?

What are you doing coming down from Lauren's room after midnight?

We were just studying. We fell asleep accidentally.

Oh, well, you're gonna fall down the basement stairs accidentally.

I swear, we just fell asleep, I swear. Please, if you come any closer, I might

throw up.

What is going on? I'm down here. I found him sneaking out of Lauren's room. We

didn't do anything, I swear. We just fell asleep.

I guess it was that big turkey sandwich I had.

You ate my turkey, too? That's it. You're going down the stairs.

Chris, why don't you go on home? Mr. Miller and I need to talk.

What are you doing? Our daughter.

My turkey.

You can't throw the neighbor boy down the stairs. That neighbor boy was in our

daughter's room trying to become the neighbor man.

Don't go crazy. Chris is a nice boy. I totally trust him with Lauren.

Do I have to remind you his parents are lesbians?

What does that have to do with anything?

I'm just saying the boy might be more experienced than you think. I mean, who

knows what this kid's seen?

Hot tub parties, naked camping trips, pillow fights that get out of hand.

Oops. They're lesbians. Doesn't make them sexy.

I've seen plenty of Cinemax movies that beg to differ. Plenty.

In fact, since I'm up...

Kelly,

Terry, we just love having neighbors like you guys.

Women. Brave Americans.

Makes the neighborhood feel hip and funky. Kind of like Greenwich Village.

Well, we do what we can.

We love having Chris around all the time. He's polite and mature.

And looking for a place to park his boy parts.

Listen, he told us he and Lauren fell asleep studying, and he promises it will

never happen again.

Yeah, right.

And I'll never steal beer out of your garage again.

What? My point is that men lie.

And apparently that we need a lock on our garage.

Look, Lauren told us the same story, and maybe they did just fall asleep, but we

were kind of hoping you guys would help us keep an eye on things.

Unless you want us to be family someday.

Nobody wants that.

We appreciate your concern, but we have taught Chris to be respectful of girls,

and we think Lauren is safe with him.

But he is a teenage boy, and as we know, the male species...

Not your specialty.

We know plenty about men, Bill. We're close with our dads. We have brothers.

We've even had boyfriends.

Really? Yeah.

In fact, in college, we dated the same guy for a while. You did?

Actually, we met each other through him.

Uh -huh, uh -huh. Keep going.

Hey, come on, Bill. Well, thank you for letting us come over.

Actually, that reminds me of the movie I saw the other night. You guys ever go

camping?

You believe those two. That kid of theirs has them so fooled.

Well, they really do seem to trust and respect their son.

That's going to bite him on the ass.

Well, I don't trust him. He's a weird kid whose parents are freaks.

Just because they're gay?

No, because they don't have a TV.

That is unnatural.

And the next time he comes over here, I'm just going to happen to be cleaning

rifle.

You don't have a rifle.

Okay, then my belly button.

As scary as that may sound, you might want to try getting to know him.

That way, he's more likely to respect you and less likely to disrespect our

daughter. Not a bad idea. Take the kid out somewhere to bond.

Where?

Brian, how would you feel about a day with me at the batting cages?

Really? That'd be great, Dad. I'd love that. Perfect. That's where I'm taking

the neighbor boy.

Yeah, Dad?

Can you move your mom's car?

Here we are.

Mr. Miller, I thought you were giving me a ride home from school.

Just gonna hit a few balls, you know, have a few laughs.

Aren't you still mad at me?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I think you're a great kid.

In fact, I want you to think of me as a friend.

A buddy.

Just one of the guys.

You know, you could learn a lot from a guy like me. I know a thing or two about

a thing or two.

I drunk from life's cup.

Mr. Miller, have you been drinking from life's cup today?

What? No, no, no. I like to keep sharp when I have business with Mr.

Spalding.

That had some smoke on it. Maybe we should find a slower cage.

I think this is the slowest. It has a picture of a turtle on it.

Maybe it's just because you're standing all wrong.

Oh, yeah? Who taught you how to bat? My mom. They played varsity softball at

Ohio State.

They did?

Yeah. They even went to the all -girl world finals in Sweden.

Uh -huh, uh -huh. Keep going.

What? Uh, nothing, nothing.

Here. Let me show you.

All right.

We have liftoff!

Just remember to load up on your back foot and shift your weight.

Somebody get him a blanket. He's on fire.

Mr. Moore, were you serious when you said we could talk about anything?

Sure, anything will work.

One for the guy in the kayak.

Actually, there's this friend of mine. Oh, oh, oh, more tokens.

Anyway, there's this friend of mine who's been dating this girl.

And even though it's usually the guy that's moving too fast, in this case, in

friend's case...

It's the girl that wants to do stuff, if you know what I mean. So the girl's

moving too fast and he doesn't like it?

Sounds like someone's not interested in girls.

No, I'm interested in girls. I mean... Oh, so it's you we're talking about.

Wait a minute. If we're talking about you, that means the fast girl is Lauren.

You've got a hell of a nerve calling my daughter fast. I don't want to hear

another word out of you.

Ow!

I didn't say you were standing on the plate. I know I'm standing on the plate.

What do you think, I'm stupid?

Hey,

Brian, where are you off to?

Oh, the wind's picking up, so I'm taking her out on a trial run.

Oh, is that your little pelican kite?

Um, this little kite can withstand a scale five wind strength, okay? And, uh,

it's a pterodactyl.

Sure, because it looks just like the placemats of the hungry pelican. You

what? Maybe I could tie a string to one of those so we could have ourselves a

little race.

Listen to yourself.

There's like five reasons why that's aerodynamically impossible.

Oh, honey, you know what else is impossible?

Getting a girlfriend while you're carrying her on that kite.

Hey, Bill, how'd the outing go with Chris at the batting cage? Very

I found out my swing is too fast, and so is our daughter.

What do you mean?

Chris said that Lauren's the one looking to move too fast. I'm going to go tuck

her into bed with a staple gun.

You know what? Maybe I should talk to her. I think I can handle this.

Really? You mean you're prepared to talk to your daughter about sex?

Huh?

Sex, Bill. Don't be afraid of the word. You might have to use it up there.

And penis and vagina.

I won't have to use the P and V words. I can just say Patrick and Virginia.

Hey, I don't think you're ready to have this talk with our daughter.

Why not?

Because you're a big Virginia.

Besides, you're a little agitated right now. If you go up there like this, it's

going to turn into a shouting match. I'll go.

Okay, but it's not because I couldn't handle it.

Boba.

Looks really great on you.

Hey.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mrs. Miller.

Hey, Becca.

What are you guys doing?

Saying no to drugs and getting high on life.

Becca, can I talk to Lauren for a second? Yes, ma 'am.

Why does she always call me ma 'am?

Because she's scared of you.

Good. I like Becca.

Honey, I think it's time for you and I to have a little mother -daughter chat.

You know, Brian's running around with a kite. Maybe you should have a mother

-daughter chat with him.

Now, where to begin?

Uh, your father spent the afternoon with Chris. What, my boyfriend, Chris? Oh,

God, it's no big deal. He was just bonding. With my boyfriend?

No, they were just having a talk.

But during the course of the conversation, it came up that apparently

feels that romantically you're moving a little too fast.

Oh, my God.

Now, honey, I know this is awkward.

Because it's none of your business.

Actually, it is. You're 15 years old, and you don't want to get a, you know,

reputation.

I cannot believe that you're talking to me about a reputation.

What's that supposed to mean?

You're the one who was easy in high school.

Where did you hear that?

From you!

Dad! And Aunt Linda! And our crossing guard!

going to. You can't talk to me like this. Why? It's true.

Go to your room. I'm in my room. Don't you sass me.

You can't tell me what to do.

Well, that's where you're wrong, little lady. So why don't you think about that

for a while?

In your room.

Forever.

I can't believe that little... So radical.

She had the audacity to say that I had no room to talk because I was a slut in

high school.

believe I lost it like that up there. Okay, Judy, come on. We can fix this.

Lauren, can you come down here for a minute, honey? What are you doing?

Judy, you just let yourself get a little too emotional. What we need is a

rational third party that can deal with this subjectively.

Hey, now, I know you're a little angry with your mother and your father because

they don't know how to stay out of my business. You are our business, and it's

our business to keep everyone else's business out of your business.

Now, Bill, we don't know.

and Chris are engaging in any inappropriate intimacy. You're assuming

here. Maybe we should just give Lauren the benefit of the doubt.

Thank you. Okay, why don't we all just sit down and discuss this rationally.

Okay, now this is your lovely daughter, and she has given you no reason to

believe that she is anything but a sweet and innocent... What's that on your

neck? Nothing. Is that a hickey? No! Did Chris do that? No!

with a straight face.

But I wish you all would stay out of my life!

Ah!

Okay. Good start.

Path is open.

Seeds are sown. Right now, what we do is we let it settle for a while, and then

we invite her back down again and play something called emotional charades.

I'll start. Two words, both one syllable, means go home.

It's a pretty picture.

Quite a stew.

Oh, yeah, it's a real pickle.

Fine kettle of fish indeed.

Okay, are you going to say something that makes sense anytime soon?

We're trying not to point fingers. That boy is an animal.

What did I do? Yes, what?

did he do?

Okay, first off, he acted all innocent the other day when I took him to the

batting cage.

You took our son to the batting cages?

He wanted to go.

He said he was giving me a ride home from school.

You kidnapped our son?

Don't get all excited. I just thought he might like to talk to an older man

about sex.

And you're welcome.

How dare you?

We were... We're just concerned about our daughter because your son isn't as

innocent as you think.

What does that mean?

He gave Lauren a hickey on her neck.

A hickey?

That's what we had to rush over here about?

It's not like you're missing a TV show. Besides, it's not about a hickey.

It's about the fact that he lied to my face about not doing anything with my

daughter. Lauren has a hickey? Oh, like you had nothing to do with it.

Does that mean she has another boyfriend?

Look at this performance. It's like watching the great Patrick Swayze.

What's going on?

Chris, what are you doing here?

Lauren, are you cheating on me?

No, Chris, it's not like that, okay?

Then who gave you a hickey?

I don't want to talk about it. Well, you're going to tell him. Who gave you

hickey, then? Yeah, who?

I gave it to her.

We gave them to each other.

You gave each other hickeys? Why would you do something like that?

Oh, I can think of a reason.

Look, we gave them to each other, but with a vacuum cleaner.

Vacuum cleaner?

Probably something they saw on TV.

Why would you do that?

It's because I wouldn't give her one.

Stupid bracelet thing at school.

What bracelet thing? Don't tell them anything.

Chris?

Tell us.

Don't! I know that look. He's going to barf. We better get him out of here.

Breathe, honey, breathe, breathe.

Becca, what's going on?

Becca, I have to tell her your mom is very scary.

Yes, I am.

Okay, at school there are different colored bracelets you wear that show

different things you've done with a guy, and Lauren and I didn't have any, so

some of the other girls dared us to see how many we could get.

You gave each other hickeys so that you could wear a bracelet?

Yeah, a red one, okay?

Big deal. It's not like we tried to get all the other colors.

What other colors?

The other colors you get for doing other things.

Okay, are you happy? God, this is so embarrassing.

Can I go to my room, too, ma 'am?

What is going on at that school?

Brian, we just heard about this whole bracelet information system. Do you know

anything about it?

Yeah, sure. I have one. I never take it off. Really? What does yours say you'll

do? Um, it says I'll die if someone gives me penicillin.

Well, I'm happy to learn you know where we keep the vacuum cleaner.

Glad you find this funny.

It's not funny. It's frightening.

You thinking you have to do things with boys to prove yourself to other girls?

It's only one bracelet, Mom.

I made my life at school easier, okay?

Lauren, that's crazy.

Look, you're not there, Mom, okay?

I just feel like everybody at school looks at me like I'm a baby.

Would you rather they look at you because you have a baby?

I'm not going to get pregnant, Mom. I'm not going to have sex.

All I need to know.

Honey, I know you're going to end up doing things with boys sooner than I'd

you to.

But when you do, it at least should be for the right reasons.

I know, because I'm in love and we're married.

Or at least because you're really, really hot for the guy.

Mom, I just mean that I want you to do it when you want to do it.

And not because of some stupid bracelet.

I know, okay?

But sometimes it's hard to know what to do.

Well, I want you to know that you can always come and talk to me about this

stuff, okay?

You promise not to freak out on me.

I'll try my best.

Okay. Besides, I could be helpful.

You know, like you said, I have some experience in this field that I might be

able to give you a little guidance.

Ew! I thought it was gross when you tried to teach me to sew.

I'm not going to teach you how to do anything.

You're going to have to learn that on the streets like everybody else.

Thank God.

Your father and I love you very much, and we're just trying to help you

all that.

I know.

Hey, you want to have some fun?

Ask your father who Virginia is.

Hey, here, hold this for me.

I've never got my kite this high before. I've got to go get my camera.

The guys at the kite club aren't going to believe this.

What happened to my kite?

It moved on, and so should you.