Original subtitles

Hey. Hey.

I thought you were only staying a couple of days, not moving in.

Sorry, I just travel heavy.

Shut up, Bill.

I just don't see why you have to stay here. You know, there are plenty of

motels by the airport.

Ah, look who I'm telling.

Hey, there's my new roomie.

What?

Your Aunt Linda needs a place to stay for a few days while they redo the

in her apartment, so she's bunking with you and Tina.

It's going to be so much fun.

Like a slumber party.

I brought categories.

Look, it's not fair.

I mean, I already have to share a room with Tina. Now Aunt Linda, am I ever

going to get any privacy?

Honey, someday you're going to look back on this and realize how little we care.

I'm still in love with you today because you make me happy.

Geez, what kind of fun are us girls going to have tonight?

Oh, well, I was thinking that you could go hide somewhere and Tina and I could

go to sleep.

Come on. No, no, no, no. I thought we'd get out the Ouija board and have a

seance. Oh, I'm about to contact the spirit world right now.

Will I be happy?

All signs point to yes.

Come on. It'll be fun.

You never know.

Contact the other side.

Why'd you scare me?

Because scaring's fun.

Oh.

Okay.

I wouldn't have done that if I were you. She tends to hold on to things. Ah,

come on. The harmless joke, she'll get over it.

I don't know. No, she'll be fine. Don't be such a worrywart.

I guess we're even now, huh? I'll say when we're even.

What's all that noise?

Just playing a game with Aunt Linda. Oh, that's sweet, honey.

Hello?

Yeah, hold on a minute. Brian!

Sounds like a girl.

Probably one of the guys from his chess club.

Who is this calling?

Oh, hold on. It's Brenda.

Gosh, do you think Brian has a new girlfriend?

Hasn't said anything to me.

They're in an age where they don't want to talk to you about their

relationships. Except for my gay son.

He wants to share every detail.

Hey, did you know that their third base is different than ours?

I wonder why he didn't say anything to us. I'll go talk to the boy. I'm a

salesman. I know how to get stuff out of people.

You see what I did there?

Yeah, it's like living with a poet.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow.

So, son, Brenda.

Brenda.

Brenda.

Dad, I really don't want to talk about it. Oh, come on, son. It's me, your old

man. You know I can keep a secret.

Okay, tell me one thing that I've told you that you haven't blabbed all over

town. That you won those cheerleading finals?

That's not a secret.

Oh, yes, it is.

Okay, I am kind of seeing someone, but I'd really rather not discuss it. Oh,

come on, Brian.

You know, we don't mind if she's from a different ethnic background.

No, it's not that. Well, there's nothing wrong with it if she is. In fact, there

can be a lot right with it, as we learn from watching those cheerleading finals.

Listen, it's not that big a deal. It's just a little embarrassing.

Brenda is this girl in my class who I kind of made out with behind the garage

a party.

Oh.

Behind the garage, where love blooms.

And a raccoon watches a boy become a man.

Anyway, Bridget's okay.

I'm just really more interested in her friend, Caitlin. But, you know, I don't

want to hurt Brenda's feelings. You've got to handle this very carefully. Women

are a lot more sensitive than we are.

Aw, boo -hoo, dumper.

I think what your mother's so delicately trying to say is that you don't have to

get all serious with everybody you make out with.

Look, I kind of got the feeling it might have been the highlight of her life.

Oh, honey, I doubt that.

Besides, it's meaner to string her along.

Well, I have a study date with her tomorrow. I guess I can end it then, but

just not really sure what to say.

Oh, I can help you. I've broken up with tons of guys.

Good. It's always good to get advice from a professional.

Your mom may have had a few miles on her when we met, but she still had that new

girl smell.

You know, the food's already been killed. You don't need to sneak up on

Brian's in there studying with his girlfriend.

Wow, she's hot.

She made out with our boy?

Yeah.

How dark was it behind that garage?

Well, it's just as well that he's breaking up with her. She's more woman

little bri -bri can handle.

He should be driving a station wagon instead of a convertible whose top can

off at any minute.

Hey, what are you guys studying?

Um, Stonewall Jackson.

Oh, that's great.

Using the character from the Flintstones to get the kids interested in history.

Wait till you get to the part about Ulysses S. Granite.

This is my father.

Bill Miller. Nice to meet you. Hi.

You must be Brenda. We've heard a lot about you.

Um, actually, Mom, this is Caitlin.

Brenda just went to her car for a book.

Oh, uh, here she is. Brenda, this is my mom and my dad.

Hi. You're Brenda?

Thank God.

Nice to meet you. Oh, it's nice to meet you, too, isn't it, Bill?

Huh? Oh, yeah. Did you make a thing of Caitlin?

Yeah. She's been my best friend since fifth grade.

I just love this outfit.

Doesn't she look great in that color, Brian?

Uh, yes.

Thanks. Well, uh, we should leave them alone, Bill. It was lovely meeting you.

Again, nice top.

Your top's nice, too.

What were you thinking, breaking up with that sweet Brenda? Yeah.

Who's Brenda?

The other girl in the room.

Oh, yeah, the one with the book.

Mom, can you tie this spider onto the string?

Sure. What's this for?

Playing a game with Aunt Linda. Oh, good for you, honey.

I just don't want to see him break that poor girl's heart. She's perfect for

him. Brian, can you come in here, please?

Plus, I don't think our Brian's ready for a Caitlin.

Hef's not ready for a Caitlin.

What's going on?

I think you should give Brenda a chance.

What? But yesterday you said I should dump her.

Shh.

That's because you didn't explain what a lovely, lovely person she is.

Actually, she's kind of dull.

Oh, and you're Billy Idol?

Who?

It's just not that I've met Linda. I think she might be the perfect person

you. In fact, she reminds me of a friend I had in high school who your father

dated, Dina Murphy.

Oh, she was a diamond in the rough.

Okay, I'll think about it. I'll see, Bill.

We're raising really nice kids.

And one very jittery 38 -year -old.

Are you okay with this, son?

Yeah, I guess. I mean, Brenda's okay. It's just that I've always kind of had a

thing for Caitlin, even though she's way out of my league.

Son, son, son. If I dated in my league, you kids would be a lot less attractive.

Thanks, I guess.

Let me tell you a little story.

Back in high school, there was this hot... slutty chick that I didn't stand

chance with because she thought I was really shallow. So I dated her

friend, which made the slutty girl think I was sensitive.

The first chance I had, I dumped the wallflower and got the slutty girl.

Wallflower's name?

Dina Murphy.

The slut?

Your mom.

Gee, Dad, what a sweet story.

Yeah, we even made up a name for it. It's called Pulling a Murphy.

I got another name for it. Horrible.

Son, it's not my proudest moment, but life taught me early, if you're not one

the pretty boys, you better be one of the pretty smart boys.

Forget it, Dad. I'm not pulling a Murphy. That's wrong.

Uh, where's Brenda?

She went to the bathroom.

I just want to say, Brian, I think it's so great that you two are dating.

Yeah, she's a nice girl.

I'm glad you can see that.

Most boys are such jerks.

I would love to find a guy like you.

Really? A guy like me?

Yeah. Most of the guys in school just ignore a girl like Brenda.

But not you.

You're deeper than them.

Yeah, you know, sometimes it can be a curse.

It's not always easy being the guy who feels too much.

It's so sad that it all has to end when Brenda moves away.

I mean, I was really thinking... Wait, wait, wait. She's moving away?

Yeah, she's going to live with her dad so she can go to that private school in

Deerfield. They have a better program. Wait, wait, wait.

She's moving far away.

Oh, my God. I thought she told you.

You're moving far away and soon?

I hope you're not mad.

Oh, well, we'll just have to make the most of the time we have left.

I just don't know what Caitlin and I are going to do when you're gone.

No, I think she went over to a friend. Oh, thank God.

Okay, I'm going to go to the store. Do you need anything?

Um, I think Mom said that we needed some cleaning supplies, but I'm not sure

which ones. You better check.

Okay.

I'm not getting on her bad side.

Uh, Caitlin, I have to call you back.

Oh, Caitlin, huh?

The one who was out of your league?

Yes, sometimes Caitlin has things she wants to talk to me about because I'm

sensitive. But you're still seeing Brenda.

Yeah. You're pulling a Murphy.

I am not. I just happen to be friends with Caitlin as well as Brenda.

A .K .A. a Murphy.

I'm allowed to be friends with two girls at once. Murphy, Murphy, Murphy.

Okay, I'm pulling a Murphy.

I couldn't help myself.

Welcome to Club Murphy, where the appetizers are kind of bland, but the

are really hot.

You're right, Dad. Ever since I've been dating Brenda, Ken thinks I'm the

greatest guy ever, and I wasn't going to pull the Murphy until I found out she's

moving away.

She's moving away?

Yeah, so now I don't even have to break up with her.

Wow.

A Murphy with a built -in escape hatch.

You've achieved the perfect Murphy.

That's it. Your picture's going back in my wallet.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, Brian, is that sweet Brenda coming over to study? I bought cookies for you,

too. Does she like oatmeal?

Uh, actually, Brenda's allergic to sugar and flour and oatmeal.

Allergies, huh?

It's like you two were made for each other.

Is she afraid of birds, too? I'm not afraid of birds.

A crow flew into my bedroom.

Anyone would have screamed like that.

You know, Bill, seeing Brian and Brenda together reminds me of how sweet you

were with my friend, Dina Murphy.

You may not know this, but it was one of the first things that attracted me to

you. Really? Because I was just following my heart.

Maybe after the kids go to bed tonight, I could be sweet to you. Oh, Jimmy,

you're sweet to me every second of the day.

How about 10 o 'clock? Where are you ready?

It's probably Brenda.

Yeah, it's just so sad it's going to end soon, right, son?

It sure is, Dad.

What's going to end soon?

Uh, Brenda's moving.

That's terrible.

Yeah, Brian's pretty heartbroken.

We'll just have to make the most of the time we have left.

Anyway.

Hi, Brenda.

Hey, Brian.

Guess what? I'm not moving.

What?

What? It didn't work out with that private school.

So anyway... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So what exactly didn't work out?

Well, that school in Deerfield isn't accepting any new students right now.

you're taking no for an answer.

The good news is you two can keep seeing each other.

Yes, yes, we can.

Isn't that great, Dad? Isn't that great?

Don't you ever think of moving to Deerfield anyway?

Well, thanks a lot, Dad. Now, Brenda's not moving, and she likes me even more.

And if I break up with her, Caitlin's just going to think I'm a big jerk.

Yeah, you can't have the hot girl thinking you're a jerk.

At least not until after the wedding.

I never should have listened to you. No, no, no. Hold on, son. There's got to be

a way out. Okay, I'm here. I'm here.

My wife gave me the message. What is so urgent?

Did you run all the way here?

No, just up the stairs.

Did you add any?

Help me out here. Back in high school, when I pulled the Murphy, how did I

up with Dina so Judy didn't think I was a jerk?

Oh, the Murphy. I remember.

First, you waited till after your birthday.

And then you told her that your parents were getting a divorce and you needed a

little alone time.

That's right.

It was such a good lie. My parents got wind of it, thought it was a great idea,

and eventually got divorced.

So it all worked out? Yeah. Yeah, now all we have to do is come up with your

lie. Lie? What lie?

Lie down, right, Fitz?

Oh, yeah.

Bill and I were just going to take a nap.

Well, go ahead. Don't let me stop you.

are you going to do this?

Well, just 30 minutes. Any longer, I'm groggy for the rest of the day.

What's going on?

Don't look at that, and there's no answers there.

Okay, well, I only kept dating Brenda so that Caitlin would think I'm a

sensitive guy, and then once Brenda moved away, I could ask Caitlin out.

That's terrible. What kind of dumb girl would fall for that?

According to Dad, you.

Ah!

Sorry, bad dream.

What are you talking about?

In high school, when Dad dated Dina Murphy, he only did that to get you to

he was sensitive.

Is that true, Bill?

You used that sweet girl who had such a crush on you to get to me?

Judy, this is really important, and I think we need to talk about it.

How about a week from Wednesday? I'll go put it on my calendar.

Bill.

Don't worry, Judy. We got this whole Bryant thing covered.

Yeah, we told him to tell Brenda that he needs a little alone time because you

and Bill are getting a divorce.

Oh, good. So I get a little something out of this, too.

Brian, it's not right to use people.

You need to tell her the truth, and don't be rude. Call her on the phone,

her you're coming over there, and do it in person.

Actually, she's still downstairs.

What? Why the hell are we all up here? Get downstairs and tell her how you

really feel.

So, 10 o 'clock, red bra, like we said? You really want to be naked around me

right now?

No.

Kind of.

I just came over, well, to nap with Bill.

So, are we going to finish our homework?

Um, yeah, but there's something I need to say to you first.

What? Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, it's fine. It's just, uh, you know what? I'm not really sure how

say this.

It's all right, Brian.

You can tell me anything.

Well, Brian's dad and I are getting a divorce.

Yeah, it's terrible.

It's a crazy time for all of us.

Oh.

Does it have anything to do with that man Mr. Miller was napping with?

A little bit.

The main thing is Brian's going through a very confusing time.

Mom, no, I'm not. See that?

He's in denial because of all the trauma. Excuse us.

I was just about to tell her the truth.

I'm sorry.

I was looking at her sweet little face and I couldn't help myself.

So, we all agree, lying is the answer.

No. I was just trying to spare poor Brenda's feelings. We need to find a way

let her down easy.

I once threw myself down the stairs to get out of a relationship.

Then the priest said, get back up on the altar, son. You're getting married.

Okay, you're all nuts. I'm going to go in there, and I'm going to tell her the

truth like I wanted to in the first place.

Now, what is the truth again?

The truth is you're an idiot.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

I can't believe you are so shallow that you would use Dina, my best friend.

What's going on? Remember Dina Murphy?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, Bill went out with her, so I think he was sensitive. He

used her to get to me.

Well, Judy, to be fair, you used her, too.

What are you talking about?

was a dud. You only hung out with her because you were hot for her older

brother. What?

Judy, Jake Murphy.

Jake. Ah,

Jake Murphy.

You used to invite yourself over for sleepovers so you could prance around.

Well,

well, well.

Welcome to the shallow end of the pool.

Well, it's over.

Yeah, she's fine. She broke up with me. What?

Yeah, she dumped me. She thinks I'm weird, my family's weird, and I'm a

kisser. Plus, we've been seeing a guy from the swim team who apparently

she was sensitive for dating me.

Wow.

Brenda pulled a Miller.

I'd like to say it was a nice day, but I can't. My nerves are rattled. My skin's

broken out.

I fucked him three nights and thanked it to Tina. So, I couldn't tell that

little monster of yours I said goodbye.

I cannot wait to get back to my apartment and just unpack and finally

Tina's in the big suitcase, right?

I'd hit her in.

I

wouldn't have

it any other way.

Cause you make me happy