All language subtitles for still_standing_s03e08_cruising

Well, Blakey the Clown just cancelled on
Tina's party.

I blame myself.

Should have seen that one coming.

What about that clown that was at the
Murphy's party in the park? That was a

homeless person.

Well, if you're looking to pay someone
to entertain at Tina's birthday party,

Miller the Magnificent is wide open on
Saturday.

Because he's also Miller the Dateless.

I can start with close -up magic, and
then we can move on to illusion and

mystere.

I'll get it. I'm expecting a call from
the son I always wanted.

Well, Tina's okay with it. I'll pay you
a hundred bucks.

Great. Wait, you're paying him a hundred
bucks?

I wouldn't pay for that. I could pay him
a hundred or something.

Um, Millie the Magnificent is a solo
act.

That's what I'm afraid of, honey.

I'll call him.

My mom.

What'd she have to say?

She's still saying it.

Okay,

Billy, you can't just ignore your
mother.

I can't until I run out of pillows.

Look, her boyfriend Johnny's out of town
for two months. Since he left, she's

been all over me. Okay, I'm going to
tell you how to handle this.

Tomorrow, you should invite her to
lunch.

She'll spend one hour with you. She'll
be so thrilled. She'll be off your back

for two weeks.

Oh, you don't understand my mom. She's a
bloodsucker.

I open the door a crack. Next thing I
know, I'm driving her to Wisconsin to

the good cheese.

Okay, you gotta handle your parents like
I handle my parents. If they get too

clingy, I stand my ground. I don't give
an inch.

Polite, but firm.

Okay, I'm going in.

Hi, Mom. Yeah, I just walked in.

I was wondering if you wanted to go for
lunch tomorrow.

Great. Okay, so I'll see you... What?

A quilt show afterward?

No, no, I can't.

No, no, I really... Okay.

Hi,

Louise, it's Judy.

Yeah, Bill and I would love to take you
to lunch tomorrow, but then he's busy

for the rest of the day.

Okay, we'll see you then. Bye.

Wow.

How'd you do that? Bill, it's just a
matter of being calm and direct. You

spend your whole life hiding from your
family.

I need a volunteer for my magic act.

Of course you remember Edna Hackman.

No.

Sure you do. From down the street?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice old Mrs.

Hackman. How is she?

Dead.

I didn't find her for a month.

That's what happens when your children
don't bother to come by enough.

So what are you doing tomorrow?

Then it's settled. We're going to
Wisconsin.

That way we can finally get the good
cheddar.

He doesn't have time tomorrow.

Oh.

Okay. Well, how about Wednesday? Busy
then, too.

Saturday? Not good.

Tina's birthday party on Saturday, and
we're hoping to see you there from 2 to

4.

Well, good. Then I can come early to
help you set up. No, no, not necessary.

You're our guest. We'll see you at 2.

You too.

Looks like I left my lipstick in the
car. Would you go get it, Judy? I'm just

going to sit here with Billy and chat.

Don't leave me.

Bill, why don't you go? You always like
to take a nice little walk after you

eat. That I do.

So, Judy, that was lovely.

I'm so glad that you wanted to join
Billy and me today.

Of course, Louise. You're family, and I
really want us to have a great

relationship.

Really? Yeah, really.

You know...

I want that, too.

In fact, I want to do something nice for
you.

Johnny and I bought tickets for a
Caribbean cruise, but he had to go out

town. Oh, what a shame.

And I know that you and Billy have
always talked about going on a cruise,

thought that you might want to go.

Our treat.

Really?

Well, we do have some vacation time
saved up, and I suppose my sister could

with the kids.

Great, then it's settled.

Watch, Louise. This is incredibly
generous of you.

What is? Guess what, Billy?

Judy and I are going on a cruise
together.

We're going on a cruise together? I
know. I can't believe it either. I am

on a cruise with my beautiful daughter
-in -law. Oh, I've got so much to do. I

need to buy a new bathing suit. Ta!

What the hell just happened here?

I'm guessing she sucked you in.

I thought she was sending you a... me on
the cruise. The sneaky way she worded

it, I didn't know what I was agreeing
to.

My dad claims that's how they got
married.

Oh, wait a minute. I know what this is
about.

She really wants you to go on the cruise
with her. She just hooked me in hopes

that I'd make you go instead.

But we're not going to fall for that.

No, we are not. I am taking control of
this. We are not going to let that woman

manipulate us into doing something we
don't want to do. Good.

You bring me back one of those little
shell necklaces.

See the handkerchief? Now watch closely.

And presto chango, where's the hanky? In
the egg.

Tina, I'm sure there's more to the trick
than that. No, actually, that's it.

Oh.

Then bravo!

Where have you been? You're supposed to
be my assistant.

Uh, about that, I've kind of been
thinking.

I want all the money, so I... worked up
my own magic act.

You have a magic act. You're not even a
member of the Blackstone Society.

Tina, watch this trick.

Greatest dance tip.

Ta -da!

And nail polish.

Ta -da!

Okay, just because you say ta -da
doesn't make it a trick.

You know, I just thought that instead of
Brian's lame magic act, that Tina would

rather have a party where we dance and
do our nails.

Yeah, I want that.

Do you want to go pick songs?

Jack, it sucks.

Ah, you finally figured that out. Good
for you.

Judy, I just saw my mom pull up. Oh,
good, because I know exactly what I'm

to tell her, that neither one of us is
going on that cruise. I'm going to be

polite, but I'm staying in control.

Judy, how's my new cruise, buddy?

I just had to come right over and show
you my new swimsuit.

It's a three -piece.

Well, let's hope the third piece is
blindfolded.

Is something wrong? Well, here's the
thing.

There's been a misunderstanding.

When I agreed to go on the cruise, I
thought you were sending me and Bill.

Oh, no. I thought you would want to go
with me because you said you wanted us

be buddies.

What I said is I wanted to have a good
relationship.

Exactly.

I see this cruise as a chance for us to
get closer.

You know, for so long...

I didn't really know you.

I mean, first, you were on the drugs.

Then you were doing your best to raise
kids.

And now with your childbearing years far
behind you, we can be more like

sisters.

Sweet as that thought may be, a seven
-day cruise might be too intense right

off the bat.

I think we should start more slowly,
like with a one -day cruise.

Or a seafood dinner.

Well, maybe you're right.

It's just... Well, it's a little
embarrassing. You see, I've already

all my friends in the Red Hat Society
that you're going with me.

Red Hat Society?

Oh, it's a social club for women of a
certain age. And when we get together,

all wear red hats and purple outfits.

Just driving slow and talking loud
doesn't get you enough attention.

No, it's silly. It's so... we can make a
bold statement when we're on an outing

together. Oh, it sounds like you guys
have fun.

Oh, we do.

You know, Judy, you should come with me
to the next mixer tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Yeah, that way I can still
show you off to my friends.

Well, that is, unless spending two hours
with me would be, how did you put it,

too intense.

Oh, no, I think that would...

Be okay. Two hours seems reasonable.

Oh, well, good.

Well, you can pick me up at noon, then.
Now, where are my grandchildren?

Yoo -hoo! Here comes Nina!

It's nice that she warns them so they
have time to squeeze under their beds.

in training.

You're an itty -bitty -bitty.

So, uh, you've been gone all day.

She sucked me in.

That's what bloodsuckers do.

Thought to just be a mixer, but somehow
Louise forgot that they were going to

the theater today to see Menopause the
Musical.

That's a real show?

No, but that didn't stop them from
putting it on anyway.

We had to go for coffee and cake.

And three hours later, after we paid our
11 separate checks, I was going to

take them all home, but Iris forgot her
purse, so we had to go all the way back.

But turns out she was sitting on it the
whole time.

Boy, did we laugh.

The important thing is, I wasn't there.

What matters, Bill?

I won.

I threw the mixer, and I don't have to
go on the cruise.

Oh, Judy, there you are.

We've got some good news. We just
elected you to organize next weekend's

and congratulations.

Oh, I don't know, Louise.

Oh, it's really an honor for a first
-timer.

No, no, don't put me down. This was kind
of a one -time thing for me. I'll just

put you down for now. We'll see how it
goes.

No, please don't put me down. It's just
for now. I'm going to put you down. I

don't want to be put down. Don't be
silly. I'm putting you down. Don't put

down, you bloodsucker!

Bloodsucker?

Judy, where would you get that?

All you had to do was say no. I tried
to, Louise.

Now my face is running.

Get the scissors or she's coming back.

Here's some of my nail polish. We can
use it for the party. Oh, that's great.

How do you have them like this?

Like this.

Where did you get these?

Uh, found them.

Attention all party humans.

Prepare to get down.

I like the dork machine.

I like the dork machine.

Do some more dork. Do you want the funk
machine to come to your party, Tina?

Yeah.

Wait a minute. You cannot come in here
and steal my party. I believe the

decision was Tina's and she chose me.

Yeah, well, she chose me first. And I
really need the $100.

So do I.

Hold on. You know what? This is up to
Tina. Do you want a nail party or a

3PO here?

up $100.

You can't just take the $100.

Why not?

Well, then you won't have any
entertainment for your party.

So I'll have $100.

Works for me.

Yay, I'm finally rich.

This sucks.

Yeah, but at least I didn't go to the
trouble of making a stupid robot costume

and painting myself silver.

Ha, ha, ha. I made this a couple of
weeks ago just for myself for fun.

I guess the joke's on me.

Bill, there's a card here from your mom.

Huh?

Aren't you going to open it?

Why? Because she won't return my calls
since I called her a bloodsucker.

Judy, it's been wonderful without her.
The sky's bluer. Food tastes better.

It's not that I don't love my mom. She's
just better in theory.

Oh, look at this. Now she's not coming
to Tina's party.

Can't let her take this out on Tina. I
gotta go over there and make this right.

Or, and hear me out, we ignore her
letter, we don't go over there.

And?

We never stop dancing.

Judy, if you have to do this, I
completely understand. But let me just

one thing in all honesty about my
mother, okay?

She is a succubus who will suck.

the marrow out of your bones.

Like your bone marrow?

I think you do.

Bill, don't worry. I got it handled.

Oh, hello, Billy. Judy.

Hi, Louise. Can we come in?

I guess so.

Are you here to call me more mean things
or just rough me up a little?

Listen, Louise, I feel terrible for what
I said.

It's just that I was so frustrated when
you tried to force me to join your Red

Hat Society.

But that's no excuse for how I reacted.

And I am truly, truly sorry.

Well, okay.

And I'd really appreciate it if you came
to Tina's party.

Fine, I'll be there.

Great. We'll see you tomorrow, Mom. Once
again, the party's from 2 to 4.

The 2 could be 2 .30, but the 4 is firm.

3 .30 or 4.

You got in there, you got what you
wanted, and you got out. Beautiful work.

I came all the way over here with a
heartfelt apology, and all she could say

okay, she is purposely not accepting my
apology to hold it over me. I'm going

back in.

Judy, this is what happens in monster
movies.

They almost get away, then somebody
turns back, and the horrible... Hi, hi,

Louise, can we have another minute?

Yes, sir.

hard minute, okay? 60 seconds starting
now.

Louise, you never actually said that you
accepted my apology and that things

were all right between us. Sure I did.
No, no. You just said okay.

Oh. Well, then I accept your apology and
everything's all right between us.

All right, then. See you, Mom. Ah, no.
No. See, you can't do that. You can't

everything's all right and then act all
mopey.

I need to feel that this is behind us,
that it's official.

Well, if you want me to sign something,
Irving, down the hall is a notary

public.

Louise, this is important if we're ever
going to have a good relationship, and I

want that.

Well, you haven't made this easy.

I mean, first you were being all nice,
then you called me a bloodsucker.

Now you're being nice again. It's been a
bit of a rollercoaster.

I am sorry for that, but we're family,
and it's important that we get along.

Like friends?

Well, get along.

You know, like people do. You're my
mother -in -law, and I really care about

you. Judy, that is so sweet. You know, I
really care about you, too.

Oh, I feel so much better.

Me, too. Glad we cleared this up before
we went on the cruise.

What?

Well, you can decide later, but I'll
just put you down for now.

Louise, don't put me down.

I'm sorry.

Sorry. It's just that you can't trick
me.

I don't want to go.

Okay? And if you're my friend, you will
respect that.

Okay.

It's just that I've been so lonely.

We're well into minute two here.

Come off it, Louise. You're not lonely.

You got your Red Hat Society, and Johnny
will be back before you know it. Well,

you see, that's just it.

Johnny isn't just out of town.

He left me.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

Why didn't you tell us?

I was too ashamed to tell anyone.

Why?

Well, first Billy's father left me, now
Johnny.

It's a little bit embarrassing being
rejected like that.

I know I have my quirks, but I have a
lot of love to give, and yet no one

to want it.

Bon voyage.

It's a nice ship, Judy.

It might not be that bad.

Louise and I have to share a bed.

Let's hope she's gone back to wearing
nightgowns.

Thank God there are six bars on this
boat.

Hello, bunkmate.

You ready to go?

It says here it's an alcohol -free
cruise.

I'm kidding.

So, you want to say goodbye to the kids?

They'll be here when I get back.

And the important thing is it takes your
mind off Johnny.

Oh, didn't I tell you? Johnny and I made
up last night. Big time.

If you made up, why isn't Johnny going
with you?

Oh, he has no interest cruising around
with a bunch of old broads.

A bunch of old broads? Of course. It's a
Red Hat Society cruise.

I wouldn't have it any other way, cause
you make me happy