Original subtitles

Well, Blakey the Clown just cancelled on Tina's party.

I blame myself.

Should have seen that one coming.

What about that clown that was at the Murphy's party in the park? That was a

homeless person.

Well, if you're looking to pay someone to entertain at Tina's birthday party,

Miller the Magnificent is wide open on Saturday.

Because he's also Miller the Dateless.

I can start with close -up magic, and then we can move on to illusion and

mystere.

I'll get it. I'm expecting a call from the son I always wanted.

Well, Tina's okay with it. I'll pay you a hundred bucks.

Great. Wait, you're paying him a hundred bucks?

I wouldn't pay for that. I could pay him a hundred or something.

Um, Millie the Magnificent is a solo act.

That's what I'm afraid of, honey.

I'll call him.

My mom.

What'd she have to say?

She's still saying it.

Okay,

Billy, you can't just ignore your mother.

I can't until I run out of pillows.

Look, her boyfriend Johnny's out of town for two months. Since he left, she's

been all over me. Okay, I'm going to tell you how to handle this.

Tomorrow, you should invite her to lunch.

She'll spend one hour with you. She'll be so thrilled. She'll be off your back

for two weeks.

Oh, you don't understand my mom. She's a bloodsucker.

I open the door a crack. Next thing I know, I'm driving her to Wisconsin to

the good cheese.

Okay, you gotta handle your parents like I handle my parents. If they get too

clingy, I stand my ground. I don't give an inch.

Polite, but firm.

Okay, I'm going in.

Hi, Mom. Yeah, I just walked in.

I was wondering if you wanted to go for lunch tomorrow.

Great. Okay, so I'll see you... What?

A quilt show afterward?

No, no, I can't.

No, no, I really... Okay.

Hi,

Louise, it's Judy.

Yeah, Bill and I would love to take you to lunch tomorrow, but then he's busy

for the rest of the day.

Okay, we'll see you then. Bye.

Wow.

How'd you do that? Bill, it's just a matter of being calm and direct. You

spend your whole life hiding from your family.

I need a volunteer for my magic act.

Of course you remember Edna Hackman.

No.

Sure you do. From down the street?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice old Mrs.

Hackman. How is she?

Dead.

I didn't find her for a month.

That's what happens when your children don't bother to come by enough.

So what are you doing tomorrow?

Then it's settled. We're going to Wisconsin.

That way we can finally get the good cheddar.

He doesn't have time tomorrow.

Oh.

Okay. Well, how about Wednesday? Busy then, too.

Saturday? Not good.

Tina's birthday party on Saturday, and we're hoping to see you there from 2 to

4.

Well, good. Then I can come early to help you set up. No, no, not necessary.

You're our guest. We'll see you at 2.

You too.

Looks like I left my lipstick in the car. Would you go get it, Judy? I'm just

going to sit here with Billy and chat.

Don't leave me.

Bill, why don't you go? You always like to take a nice little walk after you

eat. That I do.

So, Judy, that was lovely.

I'm so glad that you wanted to join Billy and me today.

Of course, Louise. You're family, and I really want us to have a great

relationship.

Really? Yeah, really.

You know...

I want that, too.

In fact, I want to do something nice for you.

Johnny and I bought tickets for a Caribbean cruise, but he had to go out

town. Oh, what a shame.

And I know that you and Billy have always talked about going on a cruise,

thought that you might want to go.

Our treat.

Really?

Well, we do have some vacation time saved up, and I suppose my sister could

with the kids.

Great, then it's settled.

Watch, Louise. This is incredibly generous of you.

What is? Guess what, Billy?

Judy and I are going on a cruise together.

We're going on a cruise together? I know. I can't believe it either. I am

on a cruise with my beautiful daughter -in -law. Oh, I've got so much to do. I

need to buy a new bathing suit. Ta!

What the hell just happened here?

I'm guessing she sucked you in.

I thought she was sending you a... me on the cruise. The sneaky way she worded

it, I didn't know what I was agreeing to.

My dad claims that's how they got married.

Oh, wait a minute. I know what this is about.

She really wants you to go on the cruise with her. She just hooked me in hopes

that I'd make you go instead.

But we're not going to fall for that.

No, we are not. I am taking control of this. We are not going to let that woman

manipulate us into doing something we don't want to do. Good.

You bring me back one of those little shell necklaces.

See the handkerchief? Now watch closely.

And presto chango, where's the hanky? In the egg.

Tina, I'm sure there's more to the trick than that. No, actually, that's it.

Oh.

Then bravo!

Where have you been? You're supposed to be my assistant.

Uh, about that, I've kind of been thinking.

I want all the money, so I... worked up my own magic act.

You have a magic act. You're not even a member of the Blackstone Society.

Tina, watch this trick.

Greatest dance tip.

Ta -da!

And nail polish.

Ta -da!

Okay, just because you say ta -da doesn't make it a trick.

You know, I just thought that instead of Brian's lame magic act, that Tina would

rather have a party where we dance and do our nails.

Yeah, I want that.

Do you want to go pick songs?

Jack, it sucks.

Ah, you finally figured that out. Good for you.

Judy, I just saw my mom pull up. Oh, good, because I know exactly what I'm

to tell her, that neither one of us is going on that cruise. I'm going to be

polite, but I'm staying in control.

Judy, how's my new cruise, buddy?

I just had to come right over and show you my new swimsuit.

It's a three -piece.

Well, let's hope the third piece is blindfolded.

Is something wrong? Well, here's the thing.

There's been a misunderstanding.

When I agreed to go on the cruise, I thought you were sending me and Bill.

Oh, no. I thought you would want to go with me because you said you wanted us

be buddies.

What I said is I wanted to have a good relationship.

Exactly.

I see this cruise as a chance for us to get closer.

You know, for so long...

I didn't really know you.

I mean, first, you were on the drugs.

Then you were doing your best to raise kids.

And now with your childbearing years far behind you, we can be more like

sisters.

Sweet as that thought may be, a seven -day cruise might be too intense right

off the bat.

I think we should start more slowly, like with a one -day cruise.

Or a seafood dinner.

Well, maybe you're right.

It's just... Well, it's a little embarrassing. You see, I've already

all my friends in the Red Hat Society that you're going with me.

Red Hat Society?

Oh, it's a social club for women of a certain age. And when we get together,

all wear red hats and purple outfits.

Just driving slow and talking loud doesn't get you enough attention.

No, it's silly. It's so... we can make a bold statement when we're on an outing

together. Oh, it sounds like you guys have fun.

Oh, we do.

You know, Judy, you should come with me to the next mixer tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Yeah, that way I can still show you off to my friends.

Well, that is, unless spending two hours with me would be, how did you put it,

too intense.

Oh, no, I think that would...

Be okay. Two hours seems reasonable.

Oh, well, good.

Well, you can pick me up at noon, then. Now, where are my grandchildren?

Yoo -hoo! Here comes Nina!

It's nice that she warns them so they have time to squeeze under their beds.

in training.

You're an itty -bitty -bitty.

So, uh, you've been gone all day.

She sucked me in.

That's what bloodsuckers do.

Thought to just be a mixer, but somehow Louise forgot that they were going to

the theater today to see Menopause the Musical.

That's a real show?

No, but that didn't stop them from putting it on anyway.

We had to go for coffee and cake.

And three hours later, after we paid our 11 separate checks, I was going to

take them all home, but Iris forgot her purse, so we had to go all the way back.

But turns out she was sitting on it the whole time.

Boy, did we laugh.

The important thing is, I wasn't there.

What matters, Bill?

I won.

I threw the mixer, and I don't have to go on the cruise.

Oh, Judy, there you are.

We've got some good news. We just elected you to organize next weekend's

and congratulations.

Oh, I don't know, Louise.

Oh, it's really an honor for a first -timer.

No, no, don't put me down. This was kind of a one -time thing for me. I'll just

put you down for now. We'll see how it goes.

No, please don't put me down. It's just for now. I'm going to put you down. I

don't want to be put down. Don't be silly. I'm putting you down. Don't put

down, you bloodsucker!

Bloodsucker?

Judy, where would you get that?

All you had to do was say no. I tried to, Louise.

Now my face is running.

Get the scissors or she's coming back.

Here's some of my nail polish. We can use it for the party. Oh, that's great.

How do you have them like this?

Like this.

Where did you get these?

Uh, found them.

Attention all party humans.

Prepare to get down.

I like the dork machine.

I like the dork machine.

Do some more dork. Do you want the funk machine to come to your party, Tina?

Yeah.

Wait a minute. You cannot come in here and steal my party. I believe the

decision was Tina's and she chose me.

Yeah, well, she chose me first. And I really need the $100.

So do I.

Hold on. You know what? This is up to Tina. Do you want a nail party or a

3PO here?

up $100.

You can't just take the $100.

Why not?

Well, then you won't have any entertainment for your party.

So I'll have $100.

Works for me.

Yay, I'm finally rich.

This sucks.

Yeah, but at least I didn't go to the trouble of making a stupid robot costume

and painting myself silver.

Ha, ha, ha. I made this a couple of weeks ago just for myself for fun.

I guess the joke's on me.

Bill, there's a card here from your mom.

Huh?

Aren't you going to open it?

Why? Because she won't return my calls since I called her a bloodsucker.

Judy, it's been wonderful without her. The sky's bluer. Food tastes better.

It's not that I don't love my mom. She's just better in theory.

Oh, look at this. Now she's not coming to Tina's party.

Can't let her take this out on Tina. I gotta go over there and make this right.

Or, and hear me out, we ignore her letter, we don't go over there.

And?

We never stop dancing.

Judy, if you have to do this, I completely understand. But let me just

one thing in all honesty about my mother, okay?

She is a succubus who will suck.

the marrow out of your bones.

Like your bone marrow?

I think you do.

Bill, don't worry. I got it handled.

Oh, hello, Billy. Judy.

Hi, Louise. Can we come in?

I guess so.

Are you here to call me more mean things or just rough me up a little?

Listen, Louise, I feel terrible for what I said.

It's just that I was so frustrated when you tried to force me to join your Red

Hat Society.

But that's no excuse for how I reacted.

And I am truly, truly sorry.

Well, okay.

And I'd really appreciate it if you came to Tina's party.

Fine, I'll be there.

Great. We'll see you tomorrow, Mom. Once again, the party's from 2 to 4.

The 2 could be 2 .30, but the 4 is firm.

3 .30 or 4.

You got in there, you got what you wanted, and you got out. Beautiful work.

I came all the way over here with a heartfelt apology, and all she could say

okay, she is purposely not accepting my apology to hold it over me. I'm going

back in.

Judy, this is what happens in monster movies.

They almost get away, then somebody turns back, and the horrible... Hi, hi,

Louise, can we have another minute?

Yes, sir.

hard minute, okay? 60 seconds starting now.

Louise, you never actually said that you accepted my apology and that things

were all right between us. Sure I did. No, no. You just said okay.

Oh. Well, then I accept your apology and everything's all right between us.

All right, then. See you, Mom. Ah, no. No. See, you can't do that. You can't

everything's all right and then act all mopey.

I need to feel that this is behind us, that it's official.

Well, if you want me to sign something, Irving, down the hall is a notary

public.

Louise, this is important if we're ever going to have a good relationship, and I

want that.

Well, you haven't made this easy.

I mean, first you were being all nice, then you called me a bloodsucker.

Now you're being nice again. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster.

I am sorry for that, but we're family, and it's important that we get along.

Like friends?

Well, get along.

You know, like people do. You're my mother -in -law, and I really care about

you. Judy, that is so sweet. You know, I really care about you, too.

Oh, I feel so much better.

Me, too. Glad we cleared this up before we went on the cruise.

What?

Well, you can decide later, but I'll just put you down for now.

Louise, don't put me down.

I'm sorry.

Sorry. It's just that you can't trick me.

I don't want to go.

Okay? And if you're my friend, you will respect that.

Okay.

It's just that I've been so lonely.

We're well into minute two here.

Come off it, Louise. You're not lonely.

You got your Red Hat Society, and Johnny will be back before you know it. Well,

you see, that's just it.

Johnny isn't just out of town.

He left me.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

Why didn't you tell us?

I was too ashamed to tell anyone.

Why?

Well, first Billy's father left me, now Johnny.

It's a little bit embarrassing being rejected like that.

I know I have my quirks, but I have a lot of love to give, and yet no one

to want it.

Bon voyage.

It's a nice ship, Judy.

It might not be that bad.

Louise and I have to share a bed.

Let's hope she's gone back to wearing nightgowns.

Thank God there are six bars on this boat.

Hello, bunkmate.

You ready to go?

It says here it's an alcohol -free cruise.

I'm kidding.

So, you want to say goodbye to the kids?

They'll be here when I get back.

And the important thing is it takes your mind off Johnny.

Oh, didn't I tell you? Johnny and I made up last night. Big time.

If you made up, why isn't Johnny going with you?

Oh, he has no interest cruising around with a bunch of old broads.

A bunch of old broads? Of course. It's a Red Hat Society cruise.

I wouldn't have it any other way, cause you make me happy