Original subtitles

Good, you're home. Tina will be here in a half hour. We only have time for a

quick quickie.

Oh, my speciality.

I say we stop in the kitchen for a can of whipped cream, then head on up to the

bedroom. Oh, you're going to cover me in whipped cream?

If there's any left by the time we get there, sure.

Tina, what are you doing home?

Carpool dropped me off. You're supposed to be your after -school enrichment

thingy.

They don't have that anymore.

How could the school cut a program and not tell the parents?

They sent home a bunch of flyers.

Well, where'd you put them?

I gave them to you.

Where did I put them?

You said, Mommy's napping. Go kill her on these.

Oh, this is terrible.

I do the best I can.

No, honey, I mean that they cut your program. This is where you get your

and your art.

And if she doesn't get her afternoon enrichment, we don't get our afternoon

enrichment.

I can't believe that goody two -shoes. Kathy Halverson hasn't done anything

about it. She's president of the PTA.

You know, she really should... Look lower.

Save after -school enrichment.

Join Ted and Kathy Halverson for brownies and brainstorming. Oh, my God,

tonight. We've got to go.

Ah, do we have to? I hate the Halversons. They're so full of

Daddy, you said we shouldn't say bad things about people.

And we don't.

Unless they're jerks.

Stuck up jerks.

Big, fat, stuck up jerks.

You understand, honey?

I hope we're not the first ones here.

Ted will make me listen to another one of his Christian rap CDs by that group

Hallelujah.

Don't bother knocking. Let's get this meeting rocking.

That's so queer, I'll need a lot of beer.

So it's up to the parents to rally together if we want to save them.

Oh, look who's here. The Millers. We weren't expecting you.

Well, we never miss anything when it comes to our kids' education.

Oh. That's funny. I don't remember seeing you at the book fair.

We were sick.

Uh -huh. Or the bake sale.

You know, we were still sick.

Or teacher appreciation day.

It's a lingering illness.

The important thing is, you're here now.

We're going to need one more chair.

Oh, I'll get my office chair. It's ergonomic.

Him and his big words.

Ergonomic.

Why can't he just say he got it cheap?

Ergo. I think I gave birth on something like that.

Well, it's pretty simple.

Knee here, panty here.

I'm not responsible for anything that may happen in this position.

If we put our heads together, I'm sure we can come up with some good

ideas to save the after -school arts program.

Oh, I have an idea.

I say we send the kids out with coffee cans to collect money.

Or maybe we can raise this money without turning our children into hobos.

Any other ideas?

Anybody?

Judy. I've got an idea. Kathy.

What if we host a silent auction?

Now there's a mother who cares about her children.

People, I gotta be the voice of reason here. If it's a silent auction, how are

we going to hear the bids?

It's called a silent auction because you write down your bids instead of calling

them out.

Is this just because we have that one deaf parent?

Okay, so silent auction it is.

We'll break into committees, but first, let's all go to the kitchen and grab

some of my homemade butterscotch brownies.

Judy, Judy, save me a corner piece.

I'm thinking about donating a week at our timeshare in Florida to the auction.

They got a terrific golf course.

Oh, that's perfect.

I'm donating lessons with the pro at my club.

Ah. What are you thinking about kicking in, Bill? I can't tell you. It's a

silent auction, remember?

Once again, it's the bid that is silent.

I mean, if you don't have anything to donate, it's all right. Oh, we got

something, and it's going to be big.

Like the lie you're telling?

Bigger.

What do we have lying around the house that's big?

You on Saturdays?

I told Ted we were going to donate something big to the auction. Why would

do that? Because he was all in my face with his timeshare, trying to make me

look bad, like he always does with his community service.

Why can't he just not care like the rest of us?

Bill, this is not about your ego. This is about helping out Tina's school. I'll

go straighten it out with Kathy. Oh, I know. I could raise a lot of money with

that video I shot of you on our vacation.

Judy gone wild?

You said you were raised there.

I did say that.

Kathy, um...

Bill and I were thinking about what we were going to donate to the auction.

Oh, Judy, don't worry about it. No one's expecting you to come up with anything.

We've got stuff to donate. Oh, sure you do, but there are so many other ways you

can give. For example, you two are just the kind of worker bees we need for the

cleanup committee.

Buzz, buzz.

Oh, there's going to be buzz, all right, about the big thing we're donating.

It's going to be huge.

Did you talk to her? Yeah, yeah.

You made it worse. Way worse.

I can't believe those Halversons.

Yeah, they act like they're so much better than we are.

Why do they always manage to bring out the worst in us? Because they are

stupid ass people.

Who look like ass.

Because their faces are like asses.

Well said.

Well, I'm guessing that once again you two got out there and made me proud to

a Miller.

If the world showed them, we're going to come up with something great for this

auction. Let's go brainstorm, Judy.

That'll be a light drizzle.

Hey, your TV time's up. It's my turn.

I'm watching the House Appropriations Committee on C -SPAN. They're

the budget for the next fiscal year.

They should set aside a couple billion dollars to build you a girlfriend.

That sense of humor will get you through many long nights at the toll booth.

Lauren's being a pain. You're just flipping around.

Here. This looks good.

A Korean soap opera?

You're going to want something that you don't understand just to keep me from

seeing the show I wait for all week.

You don't get how that's fun for me?

Okay. He's gone. We can change it if we want to. No, no, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa. Who's the shirtless hottie?

I don't know, but I sure wish I knew what he was talking about.

Yeah, he's speaking the international language of auga.

Bill, look.

We're about to get the first bid on our item. See, I knew if we put our heads

together and filled them with beer, we'd come up with something good.

Time to close the deal.

Say, what's this all about?

It's a night of beef and teeth.

Whatever that is.

Well, let's see.

Oh, wow.

Says here it's a delicious homemade rib dinner for two.

Followed by a teeth cleaning and a gum massage by, if I do say so myself, one

the city's top dental assistants.

You're the dental assistant?

Wow. That's a meal and dessert, if you know what I'm talking about.

Hey, come on now. That's a little bit over the line.

I'm sorry.

Relax. I'm her husband.

Okay. Now it's creepy.

Is it creepy or is it creepy?

Hey, O'Millers.

How's the bidding going on your night of hoof and mouth?

It's beef and teeth and we're getting a few nibbles.

Oh, really?

Oh, I guess everyone signed the names with invisible ink.

Well, Ted, not everything's going to be as popular as our timeshare.

But tonight is about the children.

It's not a contest.

Although, if it were...

We would be the winners.

I can't believe no one has signed up for this yet.

Well, look at that. Score one for beef and teeth.

What? I signed the wrong sheet. I thought this was the month of Taibo

Hey, hey, hey, no backsies.

Okay, I'm not nine.

My name's coming off.

You know, we could still use some worker bees on the cleanup committee.

Buzz, buzz.

God, that's it, Bill. You know, write a bid down under a fake name so we don't

look like losers.

Mill Billet?

Too close.

Attention, the bidding will close in five minutes, and I'm so pleased to see

that almost everything is selling tonight.

And the wonderful thing is, it's all for the children.

Oh, off of the children.

I know these people want to save their after -school activity so they have a

place to dump their kids off one day a week. Yeah, they're all hypocrites.

I bet if someone was willing to take their kids off their hands... That gives

an idea.

Come here.

Hello, um, everybody, we're the Millers.

And we have a very exciting announcement.

Our evening of beef and teeth has been canceled, and it's been replaced by a

children's cookies and crafts party.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold the phone up, Starks. You just can't change an auction item willy

The ten top bidders get to dump their kids at our house for a whole day.

Wow, look at that. Looks like we're cleaning up.

Ted, Ted, the important thing is that the winners in all this are the

And the losers are you.

So I can drop my kids off for the whole day? The whole day.

Thank you.

Hi, guys.

Ted and I want to congratulate you on having the most popular item in the

auction. Right, Ted?

Congratulations.

Cheaters.

We also want to apologize for getting carried away in the heat of competition.

Well, the important thing is that the kids benefit.

It's not about us beating you.

It's not about us saying, in your face, Halverson.

Very sweet of you guys to come over here like this, so apology accepted. Thank

you. And if there's anything we can do to help you out... Oh, it's no big deal.

It's only 10 kids.

Wow, you sure have a lot of bids here.

Yeah, yeah.

They won. I get it.

Maybe if Ted and I help out, you could double the number of kids and raise even

more money. Of course, it would still be your party and your donation.

That's a great idea, Kathy.

Yeah, we could use a couple of worker bees on the cleanup crew.

Buzz buzz.

Enjoy your time in the catbird seat, Miller. The paint's not dry on this yet.

The worm will turn.

Ha ha, I don't know what any of that means.

Hot guy just walked into the gym.

Oh, God, he's totally cut.

Did he take his shirt off yet?

Not yet.

Okay, what'd I miss?

Okay, I'm still trying to figure out what hot guy's story is.

Well, I think it's obvious.

He's a sensitive kickboxer slash doctor who writes poetry and loves cats.

Can he also be a rock star?

Honey, reality.

Hi, Kathy.

Wait a minute.

Look at that chat.

No, sorry, Kathy. I was watching the Antiques Roadshow.

Hey, Kathy.

Yeah, so Bill and I are getting things ready for Saturday. What time do you

think you and Ted will be... What?

Hey, I got all the crap stuff you wanted me to get for the party, although I

refuse to waste money on plain popsicle sticks when they come free inside every

frozen tree.

So, uh, I bought ten boxes of frozen juices.

And frozen fudgies.

Well, that's too bad. I'm so sorry. I hope she's feeling better.

Okay, bye.

Kathy Halverson, she and Ted can't help us with the party. Ted's and sick. They

have to go out of town.

So now we have to take care of twenty kids all by ourselves?

Oh, don't worry. It's all right. We can handle it. We're good parents.

What's for dinner?

Have a box of frozen fudgies.

Only if you finish all your frozen juices.

Where are the beads?

I told you not to say that. That's a very, very bad word.

I only said it because I burned myself.

Don't eat the cookies. They're full of beads.

Judy, they're fine. I've eaten like a dozen.

He has to be making a necklace later.

What are you doing outside?

Stuff. No, no, no. I told everyone to stay inside. Now I have to take a head

count. One, two, three.

One, two, three, four. $11 ,900.

Really? Don't do that.

Stop it!

Oh, there you are. How long does it take to buy eggs and flour?

Depends on what you're coming home to. In this case, about an hour.

So, I'm driving home. Guess what I see around the corner at the Halversons?

Cars and a catering truck.

They're not out of town visiting a sick aunt. They're having a party.

That ticket to the Miller's party. What? They lied to us? Yep. It was all a

scam. They talked us into doubling the number of kids, knowing all along they

were going to back out.

I hate those stinking A -faces.

Those faces look like...

A's.

I can't believe Kathy would pretend to be my friend when all the while she's

just setting me up to fail.

They're probably over there laughing at us right now with all their fancy golf

-playing, time -sharing friends.

You know, Phil, as I see it, we got two options. We can A, be the bigger people

and rise above this. B.

B, B, B, B.

Good, because those A's deserve B.

Kids, just do it.

that Mr.

and Mrs. Miller do, okay?

I thought this was a craft party.

It is. We're going to help decorate the outside of this house for these nice

people. And who's looking out for the cops? Me.

Aunt Rose's passing was a huge shock for us.

But rather than mourn her death, we should celebrate her life.

She meant so much to our family.

So many memories.

All of which we'll cherish.

I'm sorry, I need a tissue.

I can't imagine a Christmas without Aunt Rose's pecan pies.

Oh, we all loved her. Especially the children.

She may not be here now, but I can safely say when it came to this family,

made a great impact.

What's going on out there?

Excuse me. What in the name of Satan's hometown is going on here?

Hi, Ted, Kathy.

How's your aunt? Not sick anymore, I guess.

No, she's not. I knew it. She's dead.

Yeah, right. Your aunt died, so you decided to throw a big party?

It's called a memorial service?

Oh, yeah. Well, if it's a memorial service, how come everyone's wearing

and crying and gathered around that picture of the old lady?

Oh, God, I am so sorry.

No, you can't. We are not decorating anymore.

Okay, so here's a wild question. Why are you doing this to us?

Well, we thought you lied to us.

So you didn't have to help us with our party. So you decided to vandalize our

house? You have to really look at it from our point of view.

No, I don't!

We are so sorry. If there's anything that we can do... I want you out of here

the time I count to ten.

One, two, three... Thirteen, nine...

Ten. We feel terrible.

but we thought you backed out of the kids' party so you could invite your

friends over to laugh at us. Why would we do that?

I don't know. It's just whenever we get around you guys, we feel like we're back

in high school, you know, and you're the overachievers and we're the idiot

slackers. Well, whether you have a diploma or not, high school was over

time ago.

I'm so sorry, and we're going to do the adult thing and clean this all up. Yeah,

we insist.

Cops!

Alversons are going to appreciate this peace offering.

Yeah, there's nothing better than your brownies.

Well, maybe they're not home.

You know what?

We've been out on the bank.

Oh, God. You know what? I can't see.

Here you go.

Closer.

Oh, my God.