Original subtitles

I thought you were on a date.

Yeah, I was, but Kevin brought his teenage son, Jordan, again, so we went

play zone, otherwise known as the really good chance of stepping in puke zone.

I've grown up there.

All weekend long, you've got fun.

You know, joint custody may be good for the kids, but nobody considers how it

affects the new girlfriend.

Any idea on how to ditch a third wheel?

Once I figure it out, you'll be the first to know.

If only the little... or Jordan had some friends his own age that I could have

some alone time with. Hey, Mom.

Send my sign to Mark.

Not without checking him first to see if it's right. Brian!

It's fine.

Okay.

Lauren, you know, I was thinking, how would you like to spend a little girl's

night out next Saturday?

Just you, me, and a couple guys you don't know?

You mean like a double date?

Think of it as a family tradition.

Your mother and I used to double date with Anna Linda. Now you are.

As will your children and your children's children.

So what's this guy like?

Okay, well, his name is Jordan.

And, uh, he's a kid.

And you're a kid.

And, uh... Look, you're not trying to get married. I am. Come on. Please,

please, please.

Okay, I'll do it. Okay, great. Let's go. Find you an outfit that'll make Jordan

want to spend some time with you so I can spend some time with Kevin.

You are going to keep an eye on her, right?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Don't you and Jordan be bad and sneak off when I say the word buttercup.

You got that?

Buttercup.

Say it.

Buttercup.

Mom, where's the peanut butter?

Oh, we're all out.

We're out of peanut butter?

Mom, I need peanut butter. How am I supposed to study for a test without

butter? And this is the PSAT.

Sounds more like the PMSAT.

This is not a joke. The PSAT preps me for the SAT, which preps me for college.

Which preps me for the day you move out and the air hockey table moves in.

Also not a joke.

Brian, why are you freaking out about this?

Because Hakeem and I took the practice test last night and he wiped the floor

with me.

My study guides aren't cutting it. I need a private tutor.

Private tutor.

I saw that movie. Judy, Brian and I need one of those.

Both of you, cut it out. You, we can't afford a tutor. And you, I'm throwing

away that tape. Good luck finding it.

Mom, if I paint the PSAT, I'll end up going to state school.

Or worse,

community college.

If you really think you need the extra help, then why don't you get a job and

pay for the tutor yourself? Where?

Well, Billy, you said that they need help down at work, right?

Oh, I don't know. You can't just walk in off the street and sell toilets.

I think I'll be able to keep up.

Oh, okay, Mr. Big Shot.

But the last kid who walked in with that attitude couldn't cut it.

Lasted the summer, then ran back to Harvard with his tail between his legs.

Your son's still up in orientation?

Yeah, they're showing him the ropes.

I'm so glad they hired us a lackey. This stockroom's a mess. It was my turn to

shovel it out.

My doctor says I'm not supposed to lift anything heavier than a beer.

Didn't you haul a keg to Carl's party last week?

A keg is a beer.

Ah, there's my boy, and a Berenson's training vest. Have the orientation go.

It took two hours, and it seemed like a waste of time. A waste of time you get

paid for, otherwise known as a job.

You're coming up on the most important part of your work day.

Oh, yeah?

Almost break time.

Hey, which one of you guys wants to help me study for the PSAT? I brought my

flash card. No, no, no. You're not supposed to study on your break. That's

reading a book on vacation.

Reading a book?

I see the patio department still has their hammocks open.

Listen, Ryan, you can't skip breaks. But I just have so much to do.

Yeah, and you'd do it all so much better if you rested and relaxed. I mean, look

at me. I may look like a lazy lion sunning himself on a rock, but when a

wanders from the herd, I'm ready to pounce. Watch this.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I want to return this flow cup. It's too big for my tank.

Sure, no problem.

You know, if, uh...

If this little thing won't fit in your tank, I can imagine how small your

must be. Is it a toilet a toilet?

Spoken like a man who's never perched on one of these bad boys.

This new plus -size model's like the chair way to heaven.

Take it for a test drive.

Just remember, it's a showroom, not a go -room.

Whoa.

This is roomy.

Oh, I got to have this.

You just relax. I'll start the paperwork.

Ah, that guy wanted a refund, and you just sold him a brand -new toilet.

So all that time you spent sitting on the couch, you're just recharging to be

kick -ass salesman.

God gave me a gift. You know, some people are lawyers or doctors or

but at the end of the day, they all need toilets.

Thanks, big guy.

No.

Thank you.

There's my men home from work. Brian, how was your day? It was great.

My boss even assigned me to reorganize the stockroom tomorrow.

Yep, the boy got the nod. I've never seen a newbie pick it up so fast.

Come on, buddy, time for a couple of well -deserved beers.

And whatever you want.

Hey, where's Lauren? Lauren!

What's going on? Nothing. Don't need a reason to see my favorite niece.

Hey, you.

Listen, I never got to ask you how you hit it off with Jordan the other night.

It's all right.

Well, he really liked you. Do you think you'd like to go out with him again?

I guess.

Great. Here's your coat.

Right now?

Yeah, yeah. They're waiting in the car. We got reservations at 8. I don't even

know if I really like this guy that much.

Um, he's so cute, especially in this picture. Oh, oh, wait a minute. That's

him. That's another boy that likes him.

Lauren, give that money back. Besides, she has to do laundry tonight.

Oh, come on, Judy. I'll come over tomorrow and do your laundry. All of it.

I'll clean your bathrooms. Please?

Does the cute guy in the picture have an older brother for me?

Here. So!

All right, let's go. We got a window seat at Morton's. Oh, cool.

No, not you. Kevin and me. You'll be the taco truck across the street. Let's go.

Look what Brian did to the stockroom. Wow!

Everything's really easy to find.

Including me.

Where am I supposed to hide from my afternoon nap?

Look at this.

He threw out my bubble wrap pillow.

Hey, what's going on, fellas?

Fitz is all bent out of shape because Brian cleaned out the stockroom today.

He did all this today?

That's not good.

Exactly. This is a three -man, three -day job.

Your boy's setting a dangerous precedent here.

Hey, I'll talk to him. You better, because it'd be a shame if there was an

accident that caused the boy to work a little slower.

Hey, you're talking about my son.

Hey, I said it'd be a shame, didn't I?

Hello, Brian.

Watch your back, Bar Razor.

So, you did quite a job reorganizing the stockroom.

Oh, man, someone move one of my boxes. I had them all organized by stock number.

Brian, it's your lunch break. Sit down and eat your sandwich. One second, Dad.

Brian, drop that box. But, Dad... Drop the box. Drop the box.

Hide the box. Hide the box. Oh, this is terrible. Now I've got to file a damage

report. I've got to correct the inventory and the cost we pass on to the

consumer.

Not if you hide the box. Look at you, son. You're getting all twitchy again.

You're doing the same thing with this job you did with the PSAT. I just want

do well. Brian, sit down.

There's two ways you can go through life. You can either worry about every

little thing and give yourself an ulcer. Oh, like Hakeem. You know, his mom

fills his PEZ dispensers with Tums.

Exactly. Or you can go through life like me, a happy guy with a nice house, a

beautiful wife and family, and a stomach that laughs at spicy food.

I guess I have been feeling a little burnt out lately.

Every once in a while, you've got to take your foot off the gas and coast.

You know, right after work, I'm going to go straight to the library and research

some relaxation techniques. You know, yoga, meditation.

Or you could use one of the relaxation techniques we've developed here at

Barron.

I can't believe it, Fitz.

We just got beat by a gold vest.

The boy got moves, Bill. In fact, he could be the answer to our year -end

-off against those hot shots in bridal registry.

Really?

Thanks. No, no, no, no, no. Don't throw the puck away. Put it back up there with

all the other important notices.

And hey, you guys, did you know that this puck is the sign -up sheet to take

management test for your department?

Yeah, we used to use the Heimlich maneuver instructions, but we can't

because somebody almost died.

I got a narrow esophagus.

Anyway, thanks for inviting me to this, guys. That was a lot of fun.

Yeah, you see, you took your foot off the gas, the world didn't fall apart.

You're also part of the loyal, hard -working brotherhood that is Berenson's.

Excuse me.

I wanted to buy a towel rack, but I can't find anybody on the sales floor to

help me.

You're not supposed to be back here.

Hey.

Hi.

Well, you guys are exactly where I left you this morning when I went to work.

But you haven't moved all day.

Oh, my God, you haven't moved all day.

What do you think those snacks got there?

Tina.

Oh, yeah, we haven't moved all day.

What's this?

Oh, it's a portable DVD player. I bought it so I could watch movies during study

hall. I thought you were going to use your money to get a tutor.

Oh, yeah, you were going to get a tutor.

Bill, it's not going to be the woman from the movie. And I found that tape,

the way.

There's copies.

Yeah, I don't need a tutor. I'll do fine on the PSAT with that one.

Well, good for you. I'm glad you're not stressing out about it. We've been

working on relaxing. Yeah, I might not even take the test at all. What do you

mean you might not take the test at all?

Well, when I thought about it, it's just a practice test. It's not like the

world's going to end.

I've just decided I should coast for a while. You know, take my foot off the

gas. Yeah, well, maybe I'll take my foot off the gas, too.

I wonder where I should put it.

I can't believe you broke our kid.

Just the other day, you told me you wanted him to relax.

There's relax, and then there's putting his dirty socks in the hamper when he's

40.

You do that for me.

I was talking about you.

And if we get another one of you in this house, we're going to need three more

me.

So now you want me to convince him to take the test? Yeah. Go talk to him. If

doesn't take it, he'll always regret it.

And of all of our kids, he's the one who's going to be successful. The one

counting on.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, no, you're both very... Oh, God, I got bigger problems.

Bill!

Oh, now?

Uh,

Brian, about the PSAT, I think you might have taken something like that the

wrong way.

And I know that you've learned to relax.

from the master, but don't take it too far.

When you get an opportunity to do something that might make your life

you gotta take it. Do you understand?

Well, I guess.

But how come you've never taken that management test at work?

What?

There's a management test at work?

Well, don't you remember the notice in the stockroom we used as a hockey puck?

What?

You play hockey at work?

Does Dad play hockey at work? If it wasn't for him, there'd be no league.

Okay, that is it, young man. You go up to your room to study.

Dad, I... Now!

I guess I was a little hard on him. I'll just go and see if he's okay.

Stop!

There's a test you could take to get a promotion.

There's also a cartoon turtle you could draw to get into art school. I'm not

taking that test either.

Bill, why aren't you taking the management test? Because I don't want to

management. It's more work, more stress, and not much more money. Plus, it'd

keep me away from the things I love the most.

Yeah, kids would miss you.

Yeah, them too.

I don't care about you becoming a manager, but you need to take that test

your best to pass it as an example to Brian. The test's next week. I'll never

ready by then.

I'll help you study. The important part is we get Brian back on track because he

is the one kid in this house that is going to be successful.

Oh, hey, Lauren, honey. Hi.

Listen, Mom.

Good news, you don't have to go out with that dork Jordan anymore. Kevin and I

broke up.

I know. Jordan told me last night. We went out.

Oh. You and Jordan?

And his dad and a woman named Brooke.

Kevin went on a date, yeah. Bounce back fat.

Sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is great. You know, you found someone and

I'm exactly where I want to be.

Back on the market.

Freeze a bird.

38 -year -old bird.

Hmm, that reminds me. Gotta get a scarecrow.

Found my employee handbook.

You've had that thing for 18 years and you're just now taking the wrapping off?

Judy, what is there really to know?

Wow, I only get a 40 -minute lunch break?

You know what? Start from the beginning, shall we?

Okay, the four categories of disciplinary action. Category one,

It should be noted on the employee's file and confirmed in writing stating

offense. The steps to remedy the offense and a time limit for... Oh, my God,

this is so boring.

You know what might help? There's a scene in Private Tutor. I'll never

it. Good, because I found the other two tapes and they're gone.

Here's a list of do's and don'ts.

Do give a verbal warning.

Do take steps to remedy the offense.

Do not touch the remote control.

Unless you do want to see the Kansas game.

Oh, Kansas is playing?

No, Bill, we have to study. You're right.

Maybe we could just check the score.

Yes! What a game! Oh, yeah, the one before that was even better.

Oh, my God, we just watched two basketball games. We wasted three hours.

Are you guys watching the game?

No, no.

Your father's going to ace that management test because it's an

can't pass up. I don't even know why the TV was on. I must have sat on the

remote. Who drank all these beers?

Huh.

Come on. We've got to do better. We've got to set a better example.

Okay, we're up. We're pumped. Okay.

All right.

Sexual harassment policy.

Stop it.

Sexual harassment is not about sex.

It's about power.

especially in supervisor -subordinate relationships.

Judy, I have an idea.

I'm not going to be your subordinate.

Have it your way, supervisor.

Well, you've got to supervise me more often.

You kind of surprised me with that third demerit.

I surprised myself.

Yeah, but now we wasted another hour and... Oh, no, just ten minutes.

Why can't we focus?

Why is this... It's so hard for us. Because we're terrible studiers. How do

even make it through high school?

Cheated our asses off.

No, you can't cheat.

You're doing this to send a message to Brian.

What if I fail? What kind of message is that sending?

You are not going to fail. You are a good father. You could do whatever you

your mind to.

Thanks, honey.

You're right. I'm going to study my heart out and pass this thing. Good for

Are you coming?

I don't have a test to pass. I'm already a supervisor.

The five points of the Berenson Star of Service include graciousness,

intelligence, thoughtfulness, honesty, level -headedness.

Star of Service includes honestness, smartness,

actress,

undress.

Private tutor.

Oh, hi.

Wow, so you're really going to go through with this test, huh?

Do you need any help?

No, no, I'm fine.

Are you sure? Because I can teach you some pretty neat tricks.

Like when you're memorizing a group of words.

You can take the first letter of each word to form an acronym.

Like this.

Level -headedness, intelligence, graciousness, honesty, thoughtfulness,

life. G -H -T. That would spell... Githel. No, filth. No, guilt. I'll

guilt. Or it could spell light.

How am I going to remember light?

Star service, light, starlight. Or star of guilt.

Sure. You know, you're pretty good at this.

You think? Yeah. I know I make fun of you sometimes, calling you brainiac.

Brian the brain maniac.

Brian Von Brainiac.

They're all offshoots of Brainiac, but the point is, you know, you really have

gift for studying.

To tell you the truth, I do kind of miss it.

Listen, listen, Brian, when I told you to relax, I just wanted you to take a

break so you didn't burn out. It's like me and the Rockford Files. If I watch it

too much, I get sick of it. I can't stand it, so I do the only logical

Turn off the TV.

No, I switch to Barnaby Jones.

Are you not following me?

I get what you're saying.

It's all about balance.

So I think I'll just take the PSAT and do my best, but I'm not going to make

myself crazy. Great.

Because you're meant for great things, Brian.

The other two kids, let's be honest, they're just as intelligent and have

futures ahead of them.

Thank you, Daddy.

I'm glad somebody has faith in us. Come on, Tina.

Lauren, my slippers hurt.

It's because you got him on the wrong feet.

You put him on.

Hey, before we go up there, I just wanted to wish you good luck. I'm really

proud of you, Dad.

That's great.

You've really inspired me to apply myself and do well on the PSAT next

Oh, good for you.

You know, I've learned a lot about you in the past few weeks, and now I know

that it's okay to relax a little bit, as long as I do an honest day's work.

Thanks.

He's really proud of you.

Now I feel like crap.

Come on, crib sheets, give it up. Come on.