Original subtitles

It wasn't a very good movie, huh? You're telling me. When are these Hollywood

big shots gonna get it right?

It's layer of popcorn, layer of butter. Layer of popcorn, layer of butter.

That's exactly what they're gonna find if they ever cut you open.

Yeah. How about the two of us stay out just a little longer?

Let me drink in your beauty in the moonlight.

Oh, so now it's layer of popcorn, layer of crap.

I don't want to go inside because your mother's in there. Yeah, that's because

the second I walk in, she'll trap me into taking a shopping tomorrow, like I

have to every Saturday now.

Oh, it's only one day a week, and it's your mom.

Yeah, but it's taking time away from another important relationship.

Oh, you mean the couch?

Judy, couch? She's only three years old. These are her formative years.

Hey! Oh, there's my little silly Billy.

Your face is so cold. You're my silly, chilly, chilly Billy.

Thanks for babysitting, Louise.

Tina's all tucked in, so I'll just go on home. I got a big day tomorrow.

So, what time do you want me to take you shopping?

Oh, I don't need you tomorrow. I've got plans.

You have plans?

Judy, she has plans.

Without me, don't pick at it.

Good night, Mom. We'll see you next Saturday.

Oh, I don't need you then either. I'm doing something with a friend.

You have a friend?

Judy Picking.

Good night, Ma. Good night, kids.

How the hell did she make a friend?

Oh, no, don't care. Neither does my pal, Couchy.

Tina, what are you doing out of bed?

I came down to get some Cheetos.

I mean a hug.

Oh, what do I love more than anything else in the world?

Did you have fun with Nana tonight? She talked on the phone to some man all

night. I'm going to bed.

Wait, wait.

Wait a minute.

So did you get a name?

She called me Cupcake.

Does Cupcake have a last name?

I don't remember.

Good night. Wait, wait.

I'm really tired.

Judy, let her go to bed. She's tired.

Fine, fine. Go to bed. But I was under the impression you were a big girl.

Oh, your mom was talking on the phone all night. Some guy I think Louise has a

boyfriend. Wow.

I need a drink.

Bill, I know it's going to be weird seeing your mom with another man, but I

think eventually... Here it is.

Champagne.

It's a cupcake, whoever you are. God bless you, you poor bastard.

Hey, Bri, what you got on there?

It's part six of a ten -part series on dinosaurs.

That could save you a lot of time. They die.

Uh, Dad, isn't Saturday your day to take Nana shopping?

Yeah, it was until she met Cupcake.

Who is Cupcake?

I don't know, but I think I love him more than actual cupcakes.

Ding dong, it's Nana!

Uh -oh, what's what you want? I'm not here. Want to bet?

Oh!

Nana. Dad was hoping it was you. Dad, it's Nana.

Hey, Ma.

Hi, Billy. I can only stay a minute. As soon as I find my knitting, I'm gone.

You heard her. We're looking for knitting. You take the upstairs. Go, go,

I found Judy. She said she put it aside.

Oh, here you go, Louise.

Who's having the giant baby?

No, they're golf club covers for a friend.

Oh,

cupcakes. No, thanks. I've got to save my appetite. Someone's taking me to a

fancy restaurant.

I know.

Cupcake. Fine, I'll take one of you and sit.

No, so where are you guys going? Judy, Judy, you know the funny thing about

knitting? When you pull one thread, it all comes apart.

We're going to a lovely Chinese restaurant called the Monkey Palace.

With your golfing friend?

Well, if you must know, his name is Johnny.

So where'd you meet him?

Judy. At the bank.

We were in line, and he helped me fill out my deposit slip, and then he asked

to lunch, and we've been dating ever since.

The end.

So what does Johnny do?

Oh, he helps senior citizens with their savings.

Something about offshore investments.

Offshore investments. Did you hear that, Bill?

Offshore investments.

So the guy sells boats. Bon voyage.

So that's it? You're not the least bit interested in who your mom's dating?

She's not a child. She's a grown woman. She can take care of herself.

But don't you think this guy sounds a little bit shady?

Shady like a picnic under an oak tree on a lovely spring day.

You didn't hear one word she said about him. I did, too. His name's Jimmy. He

lives in a palace. He has a giant baby and a pet one.

Johnny, this is such a nice place.

And look at this fancy menu with a tassel.

Only the best for you, Louise.

Now, why do some of these things have little stars next to them?

Ah, that means that dish is hot and spicy.

You should have a little star next to you.

Oh, Johnny.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to use the restroom. Why don't I order some

appetizers while you're gone?

You're the boss, Louise.

This is wrong, Judy.

Bill, if this businessman scams your mom and she winds up broke, where do you

think she's going to live?

You're right.

No swindler's going to make me put my mom in some trailer park next to the

graveyard.

Bill,

why don't we go sit at our regular table since, you know, we eat here all the

time. Oh, Louise!

What are you two doing here?

Are you kidding me? The Silver Chimp's one of our favorite restaurants.

Golden Monkey.

Monkey Palace.

Did you two come here to check out my gentleman friend?

Louise, we want to meet him, because if he did anything to hurt you, we'd never

be able to live with ourselves.

In what is already a very crowded house.

Well, he'll be back in a second. You might as well join us. Thanks, Louise.

We'll be fine.

I'm starving.

I'll order some appetizers while we're waiting.

Oh, hi.

Oh, there you are.

Yeah, could you start us with an order of egg roll?

I'm afraid you're making a little mistake here. Oh, yeah, there's going to

four of us. Better make that two orders.

Billy, please stop ordering. Don't worry.

If your boyfriend's too cheap, I'll pay for it.

Come on, buddy. We're starving.

Bill, he's not a waiter. You're telling me. Let's go.

Let's go.

This is Johnny.

You know, if I wasn't so used to moments like this, I'd be uncomfortable.

Johnny, this is my son Bill and his wife Judy. Hi, nice to meet you, Johnny.

You'll have to excuse my husband. He's, uh... Well, you'll see.

Come on, it's an easy mistake. I mean, we're here in a Chinese restaurant.

This guy walks up looking all Japanese.

See, it's just a matter of letting him talk.

Louise, would you like some coffee?

Oh, no, I'm not... drinking coffee anymore. Johnny turned me on to tea.

Actually he's introduced me to a lot of exotic things.

Thanks for inviting us over for dessert. I've enjoyed meeting Bill's lovely

sister. In law.

So, Johnny, Louise tells us you're an investment counselor.

I do pretty well for my clients, yeah.

Oh, really? Because Bill and I are always looking for a shrewd place to put

money. Have any suggestions?

Oh, I'm sorry. Louise asked me the same thing, but I have a strict policy

against handling my friends' money.

Then I guess I'll just stick with my current investment strategy.

What's that?

It's pretty diversified. Some quick picks, some scratchers.

In the long term, living off my children.

Louise, it's so great that you've been a nice guy without even trying.

You didn't have to use the Internet or a dating service or pretend you like

fishing or rock climbing or... His houseboy, who's clearly his life

Well, we should get going.

You're the boss, Louise.

So soon?

We'll see them on Friday when they come over for Mom's birthday.

Uh, Billy, you know how tomorrow you were taking me to the outlet stores to

for tight?

Oh. If you don't mind, I'd like to take her. Welcome to the family.

Let me walk you to the car.

Johnny, it's so great to meet you, and I look forward to meeting your brothers,

sons, nephews, doctors, what have you.

I'll make a few calls. Thank you.

Nice to meet you, Johnny.

Bye. Good night, ladies. Drive safe.

That Johnny is a great guy, don't you think? He's kind, he's polite.

He just grabbed my ass.

Wow, getting your ass grabbed by your mother -in -law's boyfriend.

Are you sure?

I think so. I mean, it wasn't exactly a grab, but at the very least, it was like

a gentle cupping. Well,

Judy, I guess you were worried for nothing.

Johnny's the best thing to happen to my mom, hands down.

And cut.

Linda, don't say anything.

I don't want to accuse Johnny if I don't know for sure.

Okay, all right, why don't you just show me how it felt? Maybe we can figure it

out.

Okay, all right, yeah, well, um, so I went to hug him like this, yeah. And he

put his arms around me like this. Yeah, that seems okay.

Yeah, and then, you know, his hands kind of slipped.

These are really tight. Have you been working out?

I have been spinning, thanks for noticing.

So, perp, not a perp? I don't know. Okay, was there any of this?

No, not really. Like, a little lower.

This is good, but could we switch Linda out for Shania Twain?

because you forgot to buy Nana a birthday gift and you want to horn in on

No. You know, I just want to see what you wrote on the card.

Fran, here's a pen.

Oh,

is that Nana's birthday gift?

Yeah, for me and Tina.

And nobody else.

What'd you buy her, Lauren?

Uh... I wrote Nana a poem.

Oh. Oh, really? Let's hear it.

Well, it's not an actual word form yet. It's still in my heart.

Oh, honey, that is... Oh, not fooling anyone.

Get upstairs and start writing, and not one of those cheap poems that don't

rhyme. Great, nothing rhymes with Nana.

How about banana?

Or Montana?

Or bandana? I get it!

Hey, wait on that table for my cheese ball.

Wait a minute, are you wearing your good ass pants?

is to keep Johnny away from you. Well, I figured if he does it again, I'll know

for sure, so I brought out the heavy artillery.

Oh, a booty trap.

Exactly.

If he can keep his hands off of this, then he is a good guy, and I don't have

say anything to Bill.

Oh, okay, here we go. Now keep your eyes on my butt all night long. I'll get it.

I'll get it.

There you are.

Oh, and happy birthday.

sweet of you kids. I don't know how I can ever repay you.

You already have.

It is our pleasure, Louise.

We're the ones who should be thanking you, so thank you.

Well, Judy, I took a chance to like Merlot.

You brought us wine?

Come here.

Judy, take it easy. I saw him first.

Oh, Louise, I'm sorry. I'm just so happy for the both of you. I can't help it,

huh? Oops, I did it again.

One more time.

Judy, could you come with me? There's something kind of weird in the kitchen.

Something weird in the kitchen? You, why are you moving in on my mother's

boyfriend?

All right, I didn't want to tell you this because I didn't want you to get

upset, but something happened with Johnny. What?

He grabbed my ass.

Really?

My Johnny?

The other night when we went to say goodbye, you know, he hugged me, and I

he might have gotten a little handsy. Okay, okay, now I'm hearing might and

think, which to me means might not and I don't think so.

Bill, your mother might be dating a groper, and I need to know for sure.

Oh, I get it. This is what all the hugging's about.

You're trying to trap him with that ass of yours.

Yeah, just like you did me.

And if he takes the bait, you've got to tell your mom. This is terrible.

Terrible. I just got my Saturdays back. Now I'm going to have to go tight

shopping with her.

I can't believe all you care about are your Saturdays. You know, there was a

time that you would clock a guy if I thought he even looked at me funny.

Tight, Judy.

She models them for me.

And you know why they're called tights?

Because they're tight.

Tina, oh, thank you so much. It's top of the line, trust me. Say goodbye to

nosebleed forever.

I want to thank you all. Not so fast, Anna. I think Lauren has something for

you. More?

It's nice to see a family that loves each other so much. Yeah, yeah. Lauren's

got a poem.

Oh, a poem?

Nothing special. You know, I'll just send it to you tomorrow.

No. I would love for the poetess to recite it for me.

Yeah, this should be good.

Little Miss Nana.

Set on a banana.

Eating her chief ball and wine.

Then along came her birthday, which was surf and turf day at Denise for $8 .99.

I think that was my favorite present.

I'm deathly allergic to shellfish.

What a sweet poem.

Sorry.

I should go fix my face.

Her favorite present? What a rip.

Mine came from the heart. Yeah, mine came from sharper image. Mine has a

enclosed misting chamber.

Fully enclosed!

Go upstairs and finish your homework. We'll call you when it's cake time.

Oh, Johnny, let me refill your wine.

Oh, why, thank you.

Linda, I think you could use a little more, too.

Can I give you a hand?

It's now or never, Johnny.

Okay, we're going to get the cake ready.

Well, why don't you let me help? I haven't lifted a finger all night.

No kidding.

The last one was practically a lap dance.

No. No grab, not a cup, not even a brush pass.

If it makes you feel any better, I'll look down your shirt.

Thank you, honey.

Well, I guess the other night was just an accident.

It's just nice that my mom found a guy who makes her really happy.

Well, thanks for the help with the cake.

Oh, you're welcome.

Oh, Bill, I was waiting for a chance to speak to you alone.

I'd like to talk to you about something important.

Oh, sure.

Big piece, ice cream on the side.

No, on the tongue.

No, on the side.

Actually, I was thinking about asking your mother to move in with me.

Wow. You guys are getting pretty serious. Well, I'm not getting any

I was wondering if...

You'd give me your blessing?

Now, take your time and think it... Yep.

Well, thanks, Bill. I appreciate that. Oh, sorry about the sugar.

Oh, don't worry. Come here.

Oh, good. Another hug.

He really does seem like a nice guy.

Yeah, I agree.

You should have seen how helpful he was with the cake.

You thought he was some sort of groper.

Very foolish. Now we can all just relax and enjoy the party.

Ah, crap.

No!

I didn't feel a thing.

Wow, he's good.

Guess what?

Johnny just asked me to move in with him.

Why don't you two take the cake out to the living room?

Gladly. Leave the knife. Leave the knife.

Ma, I think we need to talk about you and Johnny living together.

Well, the downside is you wouldn't be seeing as much of me. He's got a condo

Scottsdale, so I'd be 2 ,000 miles away from October on.

Ma, Ma, Johnny's a great guy in almost every way, but there's this one thing

about him you might want to know.

Oh, I know all about his new hips.

And trust me, they work great.

Ma, there's no good way to say this, but...

We caught Johnny grabbing Judy and Linda's butts.

I'm sorry, Ma.

I keep telling him to knock that off.

You know about this?

Well, how do you think we met? He got me in the bank line.

Why would you want to live with somebody who's going to do this?

Oh, he's not a cheater. He's just a little grabby.

Trust me, his hands may wander, but they do their best work at home with Mama.

having people. It's not right.

Well, maybe I should have a talk with him. Hey, Johnny!

Yeah? Stop grabbing the ladies. They don't like it. You're the boss, Louise.

Now go apologize to the girls.

Gotcha.

That should do it.

Are you sure you're not rushing into things, moving in with him already?

Oh, relax.

I haven't decided anything yet.

But, you know what's really cute?

What? You.

At first I thought you were happy I found Johnny so that you wouldn't have

errands with me.

No, I... No.

But now I see how protective you are of me.

Well, you are my mother, and I'm always going to look out for you.

That is so sweet of you, and you do not have to worry. No man is ever going to

steal me away from you. I'd love to see one try.

Billy, you're going to make me cry.

Let's go blow out your candles. What a happy birthday.

I can't believe I'm so lucky to have two caring, sensitive men in my life.

With eyes like the skies of Montana.

That's my Nana.

I'm glad you like it, Nana. I've been all weekend working on it.

No, I'm sorry. It just made me think of Lawrence Balham.

Surf and turf.

I wouldn't have it.