Original subtitles

Mom, would you tell Tina to leave me alone?

Tina, would you tell Lauren to leave me alone?

Lauren won't play with me. Well, I'm on the phone, and it's important.

You're probably just gossiping with your stupid little friends about how much

you hate Katie Daniels. You guys need to grow up.

Mom, make her stop!

Lauren, get off the phone. Brian, play with your toys upstairs.

Yes, I will build my limited edition medieval fortress upstairs.

So who's Katie Daniels?

She's just some stuck -up cheerleader that all the teachers love and all the

boys slobber over.

That's no reason to hate someone.

Yeah, it is.

Because eventually, Katie Daniels gets a job at your office, and the slobbering

boys turn into slobbering lawyers who make her your boss.

But you know what? Everything evens out, because when you get her coffee, you

can fit in it.

Let's go, Tina. It's playtime.

Mailman!

Ooh, my text. How does that work?

Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night can keep me from checking out his

butt. Linda, stay.

Leave the mailman alone.

I know you're wound up, but I'll take you to the park later where he can run

off. Yeah, Bill, I'm the dog.

I'm the one who scratches himself and eats off the floor.

Oh, look at her trying to talk.

But all I hear is... Linda thinks she's people.

The power company has a new last notice color.

Ooh, aqua. I'm scared.

Oh, no, he did it again.

What, that idiot give us the neighbor's mail?

Billy Maloney's new, and anyone can mix up Miller with Mueller.

Or Miller with Pomerantz.

Who's deceased, but whose car wash coupons live on.

Hey, Judy.

Hey, Fitz, you are looking sharp.

Yeah, I lost some weight.

How are you working out? No, even better. I caught a stomach virus.

I lost five pounds.

Well, good for you.

I couldn't keep anything down.

We're up.

I was coming out every which way. All right, okay.

So you all set for dinner?

Where are you guys going?

The Churchill Room.

Oh, that's that new cigar club on Wells. Yeah, it's Bill's new hangout. He gets

dressed up and goes out with his boyfriend.

We're not boyfriends.

We're just regular guys who enjoy each other's company.

By the way, I like your tie.

Pierre Cardin. I got it at Ross.

Plus, the Churchill Room also happens to be a fantastic restaurant.

Huh. You ever been, Judy?

No, I just figured it was a guy thing.

You can come if you want.

You sure?

Yeah, but I gotta warn you about the language.

You know, some of the guys are a little sensitive.

So if you could clean it up a little bit tonight.

Sure you're all right with this bill? Sure, why not? You're my wife. I want to

share everything with you.

Except the souffle for two.

One spoon, all mine.

Okay. No, no, I mean it. None of that just one bite crap. I'm on to you.

Isn't it nice to be in a place where a guy can have a cigar without everyone

griping? How come you haven't lit that thing, Fitz?

Make me throw up.

So, what do you think, Judy? Not bad, huh?

Pretty. nice between the smoke and this dark lighting and this martini. One of

you might get lucky tonight.

I feel like I already got lucky. I can't believe they knew how to make a

peppermint patty.

You want a taste? No, no thanks.

I am hungry, though. Where are our appetizers? I'll get the waitress. Lexi,

honey. Oh, hey, handsome.

I got a question for you. I was wondering where you put my heart.

Probably heaven where she came from.

Oh, sorry.

Sometimes I snort.

Oh, let me guess. You're a Taurus.

I asked her if she was a Taurus. I know.

Like the bull.

Oh, really? I thought you meant the car.

Okay, if there's anything else you want, just let me know. Wait, wait, wait. We

called you over because we were wondering about our appetizers.

Oh, I'll bring you some menu. We already ordered. You did?

Yeah, I remember. You were standing right there and, well,

that's all I remember.

You are so funny.

I'll go check on the food.

She is really something.

Oh, she's wonderful. She's the best waitress here.

Well, seems real busy tonight.

I wonder if she's busy on Wednesday.

Hey, come on, guys. These women are not just objects. We should treat them with,

holy crap, fresh meat. Is she new?

All right, here we are with your dinners. What happened to the

Oh, those won't be ready for a while.

Who had the ravioli?

What the heck, I'll give it a try.

And what did you order, Romeo?

Oh, I had the porterhouse.

That's fine. Sam, it is.

And yours, I know, is right.

Wait a second. I ordered the ribs with the sauce on the side.

You just brought me the sauce on the side.

Oh, you're right.

This is not your fault.

Really?

Sauce on the side. You know, if it makes you feel any better, I sleep on my

side.

Why would that make her feel better?

How about you, Lexi? Do you sleep on your side?

I don't know.

She doesn't know because she's asleep.

Yes, she is.

Was that a great meal or what?

I can't believe you're eating a sandwich.

And you're starving.

Well, it's your own fault. I don't know why you only ordered a side of barbecue

sauce.

I ordered the ribs, and I waited for them till mine were showing.

Well, you should have had some of my ravioli.

I did. It tasted like cardboard.

If cardboard tastes like little pillows of heaven.

Bill, I love you, but the Churchill Room sucks.

What? Where's this coming from?

The food is bad, everything is overpriced, and the service is horrible.

That's crazy. If it's so bad, how come it's my favorite restaurant on Earth?

Oh, I think we both knew why it's your favorite restaurant on Earth.

You get a little older, and you like the attention you get from the cute little

waitresses. That's ridiculous.

I'm not angry, Bill. It's fine.

Just admit it. I'm not going to admit it. It's not true.

Oh.

What?

Maybe you're getting a little older and it makes you insecure to see young women

who are intrigued by men of the world.

Men of the world?

When was the last time you were even out of the state?

Last month. Other than to buy a lottery ticket.

Okay, last July... Or fireworks.

Uh... I really, really don't care, Bill. Honestly, just admit that you go there

to flirt with the waitresses and this conversation will be over. No, it's not

true. However, you might want to admit you're jealous of young women who are

intrigued by me.

Some guys have it, some guys don't. I'm one of the guys who has it.

Oh, you have it, all right. In fact, you're full of it.

Lauren! I thought I asked you to play with your sister.

I am. We're playing library.

Lauren's a librarian.

See?

I got a great idea. Let's play girl who gets grounded. You could be the girl.

But, Mom, I... Oh, I'm digging this librarian game.

You can be this one.

Thanks. But I need a doll that looks like Katie Daniels. You can cut off her

hair.

Sure.

Such a shame, because Katie has such long, pretty hair.

I like this game.

Hi, honey.

Hi. Did you have a good day at work?

Oh, it's not work when you do something you love, and I sell toilets, so it's

work.

Well, I felt really badly about what happened the other night, so I made a

special dinner just for the two of us. I hope you're hungry.

I hope you're hungry.

Good one, Judy.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Are you sure? Because if something's wrong, you could tell me.

No, no, it's fine.

Well, I tried a new recipe, and I want to know what you honestly think.

You won't be mad?

No.

That bad, huh?

Interesting. Because you liked it the other night when you had it at the

Churchill Room.

So you tricked me. Damn right I did, and this proves it. You don't go there for

the little pillows I have, and you go there for the big pillows I have.

This doesn't prove anything other than that you're a little nuts. Oh, come on.

You said yourself you brought this food home in the cold in a styrofoam box,

which we all know absorbs flavor waves.

What are flavor waves?

Those curvy lines that come off of food in comic books.

Am I interrupting dinner?

Face it, Bill. This meal is identical to the one you had the other night.

I don't know why this is so important to you. I mean, you say you're not

jealous, but look at all the trouble you enter.

I'm not jealous, but if I were going to flirt with somebody to feel good about

myself, at least I'd admit it.

I totally agree. It's like you and the mailman.

The mailman?

Yeah, when you flirt with him, you're not trying to hide that from anybody.

The mailman.

I do not flirt with the mailman.

Oh, come on. Sure you do. It's perfectly harmless.

I am a friendly person.

What's the big deal if I chat with Jeremy every now and then?

Jeremy?

The guy doesn't know our name, but you know his?

I know it because it's polite.

Okay, what was our last mailman's name?

Uh, George. No, it wasn't. It was John. You have no idea. Neither do you.

Actually, it was Joyce. Nice gal. Let's be it.

Let me see if I got this straight.

What we have here is Judy and Jeremy, who are apparently sitting in a tree.

Okay, Bill. A -I -F -F -I -N -G.

I don't want to be on it. First comes love. Who is this helping? Then comes

marriage. Then comes the wrong male in the male carriage.

You know, this isn't that bad after all. In fact, it tastes like victory.

or from your waxing?

Well, my hood work wasn't so bad. It's the undercarriage that sustained most of

the damage.

I'm just glad that we're using up Mom's gift certificate.

Yeah, it's a nice present. Of course, I didn't need the lecture about how if I

cleaned up the park, I'd get more tourists.

I hope you're not still mad at me about mentioning the whole flirting thing in

front of Bill. I do not flirt with the mailman.

Come on, Judy. Everyone does, especially if you've been married for a long time.

You want to feel like you can still turn a few heads. I don't care about that.

Then why are you here getting the Fountain of Youth facial?

Because it's included in the turn -back -the -clock package.

Oh, my God.

What? That's the waitress that was fawning all over the other night.

Uh -oh, chick fight.

I'm not going to fight her.

I don't want to get her mad. I'm still waiting for my appetizer.

I should have seen her the other night. She had all the guys at the table

wrapped around her little 22 -year -old finger.

I hate super beautiful.

Pardon me.

Are you ready for your full body hot oil rub?

Yes, I am.

It's just not my day.

What happened? Did I mess up your order?

No, I missed my appointment. Now I have to wait.

Have you ever had an exfoliating foot scrub here?

No. Oh, it's great.

I like to keep my feet rough.

Keeps my husband on his side of the bed.

I've got to pamper myself once in a while.

Otherwise, I'll end up stabbing one of my customers with the knives they're

always accidentally dropping so they can watch me pick them up.

I have seen you with your customers, and if you stabbed one of them, they'd

laugh. The guy next to him would say, oh, I'm having what he's having.

So you've been to the Churchill Room?

Yeah, I was there last Saturday night with my husband Bill. He goes all the

time. Cute middle -aged guy, tells a lot of bad jokes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's a sweet guy.

You have no idea who he is, do you? None.

Sorry. After a while, they all turn into one middle -aged guy who likes to tell

bad jokes.

So you're not intrigued by them because they're men of the world?

Oh, no.

I'll put up with them because they're men of my rent.

Hi,

I'm Keith Martin, the football captain, and I think you're gross.

But I'm Katie Daniels. You can't say that about me.

I know I get to play.

In a minute.

But I think Lauren Miller is totally awesome.

Why can't I be more like Lauren? Why? Why?

Lauren, forget about Katie Daniels. You're prettier than her.

Really? That's so sweet.

And dumber, too.

Katie, don't do that!

Get away from me, stupid!

I hate you! Whatever!

Good, they're playing.

Look what I had done at the spa.

Oh, they made your fingers more wiggly?

here and it felt great.

I wanted to apologize for making you feel bad about flirting with that

I told you I wasn't flirting with her. Either way, it doesn't matter. It has

nothing to do with our relationship. You can go to the Churchill room anytime

you want to.

Really? Yeah.

Thank you. In fact, you may want to go tonight. Lexi's working. She's pulling a

double shift. She'll be there till about 10.

How do you know all this?

Oh, well, I saw her at the spa and we talked.

Turns out she's just a single mom working her butt off, and she relies on

guys like you to earn a living.

She has kids?

Yeah, just one, but what a delivery. 18 hours of labor, and then a C -section.

C -section, is that where they, uh... Now she has to work three jobs. She's on

her feet all day. They're a mess.

Like me from the restaurant, but she wears those cute little shoes.

Yeah, and they make her feet all raw and gnarly.

Go there any time you want, flirt away, and tip her good.

Oh, but don't get too close, because her kid has pink eye, and I think she's

getting it, too.

Good to know.

So you're going to go there tonight?

Uh, not tonight.

Next week?

We'll see. Well, when are you going to go? Never, never.

I'm never going to go there again.

Why? Why would I? The food sucks.

Okay, I admit it. The only reason I went there was to flirt with the waitresses.

And I told you, it's all right.

Well, it's not all right for me anymore. She has twisty toes and a baby popping

out like the alien.

How can I ever look her in the pink eye again?

Would you think that she was some doll who slept 23 hours a day and woke only

bring you meat?

Maybe. Oh.

Oh, I get it. You did this on purpose. I did not. Yes, you did. You took Lexi

and you ruined her for me. What are you going to ruin for me next?

Sunsets, banana splits, Dorf?

Dorf? You know, the little short guy who plays golf on those videos.

Oh, yeah, that's Tim Conway on his knees.

You and Lexi for you. You just have that superficial guy thing where you can't

flirt with a woman unless she's absolutely perfect.

That's why they airbrush the centerfolds in Playboy. Would you stop that?

Excuse me.

Jeremy, could you come in here for a second? I need to talk to you. What are

doing? We'll see who's superficial. I'm about to poke a hole in your mail, ma

'am. Hi, I'm Bill. Nice to meet you.

Hey, Judy. Hey, Jeremy.

Wow.

You're, uh...

Really good looking.

Thanks. No, I mean, you're really attractive.

It's like there's nothing wrong with you at all.

Or is there?

Bill, cut it out.

Kind of in the middle of my route. Oh, this will just take a second. You know,

it's good to get to know the people who work in your neighborhood. So, do you

have any scars or deformities?

What? You know, chafing from carrying the bag or thorns from all the walking?

Well, I do have an ingrown toenail.

Ooh, that sounds yucky, huh?

Yes, he also has eczema, a bad back, and sinus infections. Did you use that

steam like I told you to?

Yeah. Did it get rid of all the gunk? Yeah, but then my eyes got gooey.

When I woke up, my eyelashes were so stuck together, I'd have picked the crud

off. No, no, don't pick.

You'll pull out your eyelashes.

You have to use a wet washcloth. Stop, stop.

This is how you flirt?

Yes, because to me, Jeremy's flaws make him all the more human. And when I

flirt, I know I'm flirting with a real person and not some fantasy figure.

You flirt with me?

We flirt with each other.

I don't flirt with you. I'm married.

Doesn't matter.

Yeah, it kind of does.

Look, I'm not interested.

In what?

Wife swapping. Whatever you sick freaks are into.

No, we're not freaks. We've just been married a long time, and so we need a

little attention from strangers.

Which is what you provide for my wife.

I don't provide anything for your wife. I'm not even attracted to her.

Excuse me?

Oh. I get it. Middle -aged lady with three kids, has a few miles on her, now

want to dump her by the side of the road.

It's not that I don't like her, it's just I think of her more like a mom.

Get out!

You people need help.

Oh, we need help? You can't even read an address!

That's right, I said it!

Well, the good news is he thinks we're the Pomerances.

have beautiful feet.

Dang.

You could take those piggies to the market.

Which reminds me, we're out of roast beef.

Look, Judy, don't be mad at me because of the whole Lexi thing.

I told you I wasn't mad at you, Bill.

I guess I just didn't want to admit I was one of those guys who has to flirt

with a waitress to feel like he's still in the game.

Yes, I didn't want to admit I was a little jealous of her.

Sorry I ruined your flirt buddy for you.

Oh, that's okay. Things were getting a little stale between me and Lexi anyway,

but there's a new teller at the bank who looks promising.

Sorry I scared off your mailman.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Guy who plows our street waved at me this morning. I suppose I could build on

that.

Good luck.

Well, maybe tonight we could be each other's flirt buddy.

So you'll pretend to be the snowplow guy?

As long as you pretend to be the girl from the bank.

Oh, you know what I heard about bank tellers?

What now?

Dirty, dirty girls.

Yeah, that's my picture.

I wouldn't have it any other way Cause you make me happy