Original subtitles

Hey! Hi, Mom.

What are you doing?

What's it look like? I'm emptying the dishwasher.

Without being asked.

So, I don't want you to tell me I never do anything around here.

Did you run the dishwasher?

No, I did not.

Hello?

Yeah, Brian's here. Who is it?

Farrah Henley?

Oh, real funny, Becca. If you want to pretend you're the homecoming queen,

you've got to sound a lot more stuck up.

What?

Sorry, Sarah.

I'm Lauren, and I'm Brian's sister.

Okay, I'll get him.

Brian, phone!

The homecoming queen wants to talk to Brian. Oh, no. He's not helping her

a dress or something, is he?

Hello?

Oh, hey, Sarah.

Yeah, the party's tonight at Andy Howard's. It's going to be mad crazy.

What's mad crazy?

Not quite twisted, but better than jiggy.

All right, I'll see you then.

You're friends with Sarah Henley? Yeah, she's a sweet kid.

How did that happen?

Well, we've become friends since I started hanging with the varsity

team. When you say hanging, you're talking about your underwear from the

flagpole and you in them, right?

No, I'm the team statistician, and they like having me around.

And what's this party you're going to?

No big deal. Some seniors having some people over.

So, Bri, you know what would be mad crazy? You're not going to the party.

Listen,

Brian, we're really happy that you're making new friends, but you're only a

sophomore. Are you sure you're ready for a senior party?

Yeah, why?

Why? Well, it's just that, you know, it's an older crowd, and they're going

be doing older activities.

Yeah, and by that, she means smoking and boozing.

And, you know, we can't condone that.

Guys, I promise I would never drink.

I've seen it ill effect.

It's called teaching by example, and you're welcome.

Look, Brian, this is a big decision, and your father and I need to discuss it

before we let you go. I understand.

This is great.

Okay, a lot of concerns.

Here's some pros.

Here's some cons.

Discuss, discuss, discuss.

Oh, tense moment.

Okay, okay, you're right. Brian should go to the party.

But, Bill, I really think we should talk about this. Are you sure he's ready?

Come on, Judy. We need to let him experience these things now so he

buck wild later.

What does that mean?

When Brian goes to college, do you want him to be the kid who goes to his first

keg party, gets smashed, streaks through the dorms, and wakes up naked and

handcuffed to the bike rack in the quad?

That's crazy.

Judy, it can happen to a guy.

Twice.

All right, well, if you think Brian is ready, then we'll let him go.

But let's let him sweat a little bit, you know? We don't want him to think

this was an easy decision.

All right.

All right, Billy, you can... Brian, Brian, I can go to the party!

I'm still in love with you today Cause you make me happy Come

on, Bulls, let's see some offense.

The last three games, they've only been shooting 30 % from the floor.

I mean, Pippen's got a sweet outside shot. Why don't they just put him in?

Pippen's off his game tonight.

Wait, wait. My son just said Pippin, and he wasn't talking about musical

theater.

I've dreamt about this day, son.

Well, since I've been doing stats for the team, I've really gotten into

basketball. I mean, if you think about it, it's all about math and physics.

Brian, Brian, it's basketball.

Don't dork it up.

Brian, I just saw Hakeem's car pull up. Oh, great.

We're on day four of an online risk marathon.

Wish me and my ten soldiers good luck.

Hopefully those ten fingers won't be his prom date this year.

Actually, you know the party he went to the other night? He told me he was

talking to a blonde girl from the swim team who was pretty nice. You know what

that means, Judy?

Well, I'm guessing with Brian that means she's blonde, she swims, and she's

nice. Oh, yeah. No, it was fun. I had a great time, too.

I'll totally call you.

Okay. You big freak.

Linda, what are you doing here? Oh, I just had the worst date. This guy Pete

so needy. He couldn't stop hanging on me, staring at me. It's like he wants to

suffocate me.

Well, invite him in. We have pillows.

Hello? Dude!

What? Stop what you're doing, Brian. We need you to come pick us up.

The whole team's been out partying. Hey, hey, hey, kid, I'm not Brian.

Yeah, right, and I'm not drunk.

We're at the taco stand on the corner of Homestead and Newble.

Woo!

I feel the same way about tacos, but I'm not picking you up. Oh, come on, dude,

you promised.

Besides, I puked on my car keys, and now the beepy thing won't work.

Well, you know what does work? My hangy -uppy thing. Adios.

Just some drunk basketball players asking Brian for a ride home.

Well, Bill, how are those boys going to get home? We can't leave them stranded.

Well, they're expecting Brian to pick them up. Let's call them. It's just

Hakeem's. Well, I'll call information. What's Hakeem's last name?

Hakeem Hababalua Babambuaya.

Look, you guys should try and do something. I mean, what if these kids

drive themselves home?

Well, maybe I should just go.

Whoa, whoa, wait. You can't go. These guys think Brian's cool.

Can you imagine how it'll look when his mommy turns up to get him?

Well, I won't tell them that I'm his mom. I'll tell them I'm his cousin, his

cool cousin from California named Heather.

I'll go. These guys are high school athletes.

They'll feel more comfortable with one of their own.

You can be Heather when I get back.

By the way, Heather is blonde and anxious to learn.

Hey, how long we been out? Brian got old and puffy.

Oh, uh... Brian couldn't make it tonight.

So he sent his dad? What a wuss.

No, no, no. I'm not his dad. I'm Brian's cousin.

His dad's in Hawaii.

Really? That's right. He lives there.

Solves crime with his old nom buddies.

He wears short shorts and has a sweet mustache.

They call him...

Magnum P .I.

Sounds like that show Magnum P .I.

A little bit.

Hey, we're going to have to give Jeeves hell on Monday for begging out on us.

I'm sorry. Did you just call Brian Jeeves? Yeah.

That's his nickname.

Well, actually, his nickname is Jeeves, our helper monkey.

He just shortened it to Jeeves.

Why Jeeves?

Because he's our butler, dude. He does everything we tell him to. He's our

designated driver.

He goes on burger runs. He does our homework.

Babysits my son.

So the only reason you hang out with Brian is so he can be your errand boy

chauffeur? It's not like we make him wear a little hat.

Dude, yeah, we do, remember?

Sorry,

I thought I saw a weasel.

My place is at the end of the block.

Um, Jeeves usually turns the motor off a few houses early, so my parents don't

hear me sneaking in. You got it, buddy.

Thank you.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hello, boy, Josie. Hope you don't wake up your parents.

That was classic.

Wait, you're not going to do that at my house, are you?

Okay, good.

I'm five doors down.

Oh, the house that used to have the mailbox in front?

Used to. Hold on, boys.

No, no, I totally think you should give him a call.

No, we only went on one date.

Okay, call him.

Bye. What was that about?

Oh, Susan in accounting wants to go out with Pete, the needy guy. Oh, great, off

the hook?

you lots of attention, which I do not want.

Lots of compliments, which, hello, I do not need.

Maybe I should just, uh, you know, give him a call and give him a bit of a heads

up, let him know that Susan's kind of a backstabber.

So now you want to call him because someone else wants him? Huh, he's busy.

Boy, that Susan's pretty desperate. I'll keep calling him.

Oh, Linda's going a little nutty over that guy, huh?

Yeah. You deserve better.

Good people.

Honey, I made pot roast for dinner.

I'm not hungry.

All right, now you're freaking me out.

I'm upset about Brian, too, but you gotta eat. Come on, baby. Judy, I

son was cool. Now it turns out he's nothing but an errand boy.

You can't just slap a pot roast on that wound, Judy.

Ooh, those baby onions.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I would have done exactly what you did to

those boys.

Really? Except I would have waited until they got into the front of the car and

chased him down to see the fear in their little basketball faces for messing

with my bribes.

Not so jockey now, are you?

The basketball team won't talk to me anymore, and they booted me from

and I owe it all to my cousin. Way to go, Magnum.

Wait, Brian, sit down. There's something that we need to talk to you about.

Now, it might not be easy to hear this, but it's something that your father

found out last night.

Those basketball players, they're not your friends.

It's true.

They only let you hang out with them because they think of you as their

boy. They don't respect you. They make fun of you.

Duh.

I know they make fun of me. That's what they do. They make fun of everybody.

But they call you Jeeves. So?

They call Greg the missing link.

And they call Steve crotch rot. I think I'm ahead.

Are you sure you want to hang out with people who treat their friends like

garbage? Yes.

I get to cut in line at lunch. I sit at the cool table.

The hot senior girls talk to me.

And now because you busted them, the whole school's calling me narc.

I'm sure it's not that bad.

What's up, narc?

Lauren, don't call your brother that.

What? If I don't, people are going to hate me too.

All right, but not at home.

Friday night watching Brian sit on a bench and do stats for the team. Punkin,

Brian's been through a rough time. The family supports each other.

So when?

Okay, it's something new we're trying.

Here is Brian.

Yeah, there's some other kid with the clipboard sitting in his seat.

Oh, I hope they didn't demote him.

To what? What team job is lower than doing stats?

You should go down there and see how he's holding up. What do you want me to

say? Well, just let him know that we're still proud of him and nothing he could

do could change that.

Except maybe that.

Dude, it's Narc's cousin.

What do you want, Narc's cousin?

I'm just looking for Brian.

He's not here.

Listen, guys, I just wanted to say I'm sorry about getting you in trouble with

you folks. That was not cool.

I was just a little bent out of shape when I heard you making fun of Brian.

It's no big deal. We were just kidding around.

Yeah, I know that now.

I guess I just get a little overprotective when it comes to him.

That makes sense.

With his dad being in Hawaii and all.

Brian loved being the statistician, man. He's been really down since you started

treating him like a narc. I'm the narc, not him.

Maybe it was a little harsh busting him down the mascot.

And he was a great statistician.

Really gentle with my baby, too.

It's not too late, guys. I'm sure he'd love to get back on the team. All you've

got to do is ask him.

I don't know.

Well, boys, the big game against Hancock Magnet School's coming up, right? Yeah.

And isn't it tradition to prank those stuck -up punks?

Well, I think Brian's great big getaway van can come in pretty handy when

you're, say, putting the John Hancock statue in a dress.

That's a good idea. And I've got the perfect dress.

Cousin's right.

From now on, Nark is back to being Jeeves.

And I'm accepting submissions for a new nickname for Kyle.

So hold up.

Sorry, Coach. Bill Miller, class of 82.

You got yourself a real bunch of hell raisers here.

Oh, yeah?

What are my boys up to now?

Oh, just talking about what kind of prank might be on tap before the big

game. Is that right? Yeah. Prank.

Prank?

Didn't you learn anything after the fiasco last year?

This school cannot afford hip surgery for another goat.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to. No, no, no. I'm glad you told me.

Everyone, thank Mr.

Miller here for bringing this to my attention.

Thank you, Mr. Miller.

I want you to think about this, Frank, when you're doing 200 gut busters after

the game. 200 gut busters?

Now it's three.

Okay, we got a game to win. Let's go.

You suck.

All right, let's do it.

Jesus, Nick.

Still Nark.

And Nark's cousin's new nickname is Sock.

Later, Sock.

Later.

Why?

I was just trying to help.

Are you mad?

Yes. But you're smiling.

and I even put a little note on his car.

You went to his house?

No, no, it was parked outside of that flat student's place.

Some friend. I set her up with him, and how does she pay me back?

By dating him?

By throwing herself at him, Judy.

No, his car was parked outside of her house all night long, or at least until

a .m. I don't know, I fell asleep for a while.

Well, you have been burning the crazy candle at both ends.

Please don't make me break my bones, but you turned your son into a mascot.

Hey, hey, don't be too hard on Bill. He was only trying to get Brian back with

the cool crowd.

And screwed it up so bad you want to cry.

Hello?

Is he okay?

Yeah, we'll be right there. Thank you.

There's a coach who wants to talk to us after practice. Something about Brian.

Oh, okay. I'll look after Tina. You and Suck should go down there.

How do you know they're calling me that?

What's up, Suck?

I have to say I'm very disappointed.

I didn't expect this kind of behavior from Brian.

I didn't do anything.

Yeah, we believe you, son.

What did he do?

I'd rather not say in front of the Ferris X.

Oh, her?

You've got to be kidding me.

What's going on, Coach?

Apparently, you guys didn't understand when I said no pranks against Hancock

Magnet School.

Because last night, someone vandalized Hancock's sign.

Today... I found this in Brian Miller's locker.

Why would he just steal the H -A -N from the Hancock magnet?

Oh, my God.

Dude, you did that? Way to go, Narc!

Narc rules!

Narc rules! Narc rules! Hey, quiet!

Miller, you're looking at a month's detention.

And the rest of you clowns, I want 100 commando squats.

Hey, Narc's got to do them, too. And count them for us.

He's our statistician.

I am?

You bet you are.

All right, get cracking, ladies.

So how'd you get up there to get to that sign?

Like, what are you, Spider -Man? Hey, that's a good nickname.

All right, listen up!

Jeeves, formerly Nark, formerly Jeeves, is now Spider -Man.

Spider -Man.

Spider -Man! Spider -Man!

Spider -Man! Spider -Man! Spider -Man!

And I even got the pajamas.

Well, Judy, you were right. Brian did sort it out by himself. You know, that

a hell of a prank. Only a true Miller man could have pulled that off.

I did it.

What? Someone had to save the kids' rep, so last night I went to Hancock High

with a hacksaw, cut off the letters, and put them in Brian's locker.

I love you so much.

You're a great mom.

You're a wonderful wife.

You're a criminal.

Stop. It's just a misdemeanor.

What are you doing with that?

The new mascot's going to come by today and pick it up.

Just couldn't resist, could you?

Now it's dark, isn't it?