Original subtitles

What's for dinner?

Sunday's lasagna.

Ah, Sunday's lasagna.

I knew you'd come crawling back.

One more day it would have.

I'm surprised leftovers to make it this long with Bill in the house.

You know, Linda, if more men like leftovers, you might be able to find a

It'll happen by the day. meeting a wonderful guy for a couple of weeks now.

name is Doug. He has two sons.

I don't want to get attached.

Are you staying for dinner tonight?

No, no, I'm making dinner for Doug and the boys.

Something healthy. I find it keeps their energy up. You should really try it

with your kids.

Yeah, except I don't want to keep their energy up. That's why I stuff them with

cheese so they're low -key by eight.

Dinner! Mrs. Hudson's here to take me to dance. No, Mom, bye. Honey, what about

your dinner?

Well, we're stopping for something on the way back. Oh, sweetie, fast food is

bad for you.

You want me to bring you something? Yeah, you know what I like.

Yeah, well, kids will always run out the door if you let them.

That's what Doug says.

That's why we have family night.

Family night?

Yeah, on the week, so Doug and I have the kids. We have one night together

no TV, no friends, just our family.

You know, mother to mother.

You might want to put in the effort.

It's nice that your new boyfriend has kids, but until you're burping a baby

he pukes down your cleavage, you're just playing house, sweetie.

That's right, Brian.

Dinner time. Family time.

Where are you going?

I'm taking a prep. It's SAT test online.

Brian, it's important to have dinner with your mother and father.

Are you guys sick or something?

No, I just want to spend some precious time with my son.

Oh, my God. Am I sick?

Just go.

Honey, this was half filled with peanut butter. Did you eat it?

No. Do you want dinner?

No. Do you want to go lay down?

Yes.

Do you have something you want to say?

No, I think your family just said it for me. We can have family night any time

we want to. We just so happen to be busy tonight.

Yeah, well, you know, Doug says we're only as busy as we want to be. Well,

says Doug can kiss her ass.

Let's just get going.

Much of this big TV special. Dirty commercials from Europe.

Sit down and have dinner with your wife.

But I'm learning about different cultures and what they look like naked.

Sit down, Bill.

They're about to show how they sell butter in France.

Sit.

So how was your day?

Fine. Did you have a lot of customers?

Nope.

Look, if instead of having a nice conversation with your wife, you'd

watch naked French people wallow in butter... Then just go.

You know,

thanks to your lasagna and the Time magazine in the bathroom, I now know

everything about the Middle East.

We need to talk.

Okay, what do you need to know? Because I'm going to forget it all in like 30

seconds.

We do nothing together as a family. What are you talking about? We watch TV

together all night.

The kids weren't even there.

Oh, my God. I ate all those cookies by myself.

We don't even eat dinner together, and time is flying by us. Brian's already

talking about his SATs. Before you know it, the kids will be all moved out.

Ah, and then the whole house becomes clothing optional.

No.

Judy, we do lots of things together as a family.

Like what? Well, we all went to your aunt's funeral.

I can't remember what a bummer that was.

We are going to start having a family night. No TV, no computer, no outside

plans, and you are going to back me up. No TV?

Don't we love each other enough to go a few hours without television?

It depends what's on.

Bill, we are doing this.

Okay. Fine.

Good night. Good night, Bill.

You don't want to have family night.

You don't want to have family night.

I'm still awake, Bill.

No, you're not.

Hey, kids. Daddy's home.

Hi, Dad.

Why do you both look so sad?

Only one of you has to rub my feet.

told us about this stupid family night idea. Hey, this is something your mother

wants, and it's important that we keep her happy, because if she leaves, I

know where any of the money is, so just suck it up.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to spend some time with another family that

cost me a lot of money.

The Chicago Bears.

Dad, we do know that family night is tonight.

What? No, no, not tonight. I got 50 bucks on this game.

Hey, turn off that TV. It's family night.

you, Bill. See, your father's just as excited about this as I am.

Bill, you only muted it.

Oh, it's a complicated remote.

I'm gonna go get Tina, and I'll set up the board game. This is gonna be so much

fun.

Okay, new plan.

We pretend we love it, we get through it fast, and you can do what you want, and

I can watch football.

Gotcha.

Dad, aren't you the boss?

Why don't you just go in there and tell Mom that you don't want to do this?

I'm just kidding. Look at his face, Brian.

Okay, here we go. I thought we would start with this game. I know, that was

confusing. It takes forever.

Yeah, besides, it's missing pieces.

Well, so we'll make two. Somebody could be the watch battery, somebody could be

the lighter, and somebody could be the plastic bug. Not plastic!

I want to play Go Fish.

Go Fish is stupid.

You're stupid.

Now, come on, Lauren. You sure you don't want a quick game of Go Fish?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Go fish it in.

Hey, isn't this nice? We're playing a game as a family.

Yeah, it is.

Here, Tina, let me help you with your hand.

All right, Tina has two sixes. Well, I got one here. The other one. All right.

What else does she need?

Twos and jacks. Oh, twos. Jacks. All right, Tina wins. Well, that was fun.

I love you guys. Me too.

Yay!

that much. All I want is for us to be a family that plays together, like this

family on the back.

That boy looks like a dweeb.

The girl looks snotty. The mom's kind of hot. Hey, that is our family.

Okay, so we're not board game people, but I was thinking about it today, and I

remember what my family used to love to do.

Make me wait in the porch till you were ready?

Well, that, and she can solve puzzles. We used to have a ball putting them

together. I wouldn't know. I was on the porch.

So today, while I was at this...

I've got us some puzzles.

A 500 -piece one to start with and a 2 ,000 -piecer for when we get good at it.

We're gonna get good at it?

I have an idea.

Let's play hide -and -go -seek.

I'll go hide at the mall.

Okay, I have had it with this attitude. I'm asking for one night. Bill, will you

please pack me up? Sure thing, honey.

Now, look.

I know I've made my share of jokes about this.

But your mother and I are together on this 100%. We're going to have family

night once a week from now on.

I can see your reflection in the window, Bill.

No, you can't.

Look, Bill, forget it. I guess I'm the only one who cares about this family

spending time together.

Oh, no, no. We want to do a puzzle. A big one. The 2 ,000 -piece -er.

Hey, found a corner.

Yeah, close enough.

Hey. Hi.

Just working on the puzzle.

Great.

White kittens in the snow.

What kind of thick bastard comes up with this stuff?

Where you been?

Went to the bar.

Saw the Bears game. Had a couple guys hit on me. Who won?

Cute blonde guy.

Judy, I'm sorry about tonight. I was acting like an idiot.

Oh, no, I'm the idiot.

We're not a family night kind of family. We're just a bunch of people who live

in the same house.

Not true, Judy.

In fact, to make it up to you, we're going to get family night another shot,

I'm going to plan it.

You're not a planner. Yes, I am.

Oh, yeah? Remember when you planned Brian's birthday party?

What birthday party?

Exactly. Should I keep going?

Honey, trust me, I'm totally on board with family night. This time tomorrow,

prepare to be wowed. Oh, yeah? What are you going to do?

I don't know, but I'll planet... planet... planetarium. We're going to go

planetarium.

That's not a bad idea.

Wait, we're not just going to lay in the backyard while you play Pink Floyd, are

we, Bill?

Spoil my anniversary surprise? No way.

and get a move on. We're leaving for the planetarium in ten minutes.

What was that for?

For family night.

Well, maybe after a night of staring at the planets, you and I can come home.

You're not going to do a Uranus joke, are you?

I was going to say have sex, but yours is funnier.

Bill, you get the coats. I'll go upstairs and round up the kids.

Judy, you think they'll ever send a probe to Uranus?

You ready?

For what?

Giving you a ride to the bowling alley, remember?

Oh, no, league tryouts are tonight. I forgot all about it.

Promised to take my family to the planetarium.

I'll be bowling while you're looking at a bunch of fish.

Planetarium, Berger.

All right, plants, whatever.

All I know is it's one less person I gotta beat to get the last spot on the

team. Damn it, I've been trying to get on that team for months.

Bill, you getting the coach?

Oh, I think Mommy's calling.

Just sign me up. I'll be there.

What? You're kidding me.

Well, that's terrible.

What's going on?

Planetarium's closed.

Why?

Pipe broke.

Oh, well, there goes family night. See y 'all next week. Hey, we're all dressed.

We're going somewhere.

Okay, anybody have any ideas?

I'm shopping.

Bowling. Perfect.

Nobody said bowling.

You sure? I heard bowling.

Hey, no whining. That's a fun family night. Good idea, Bill. That's what I

thinking. I wanted to see the stars.

Well, you still can, Tina. Close your eyes real tight and rub them with your

fists.

Wow.

All right, I think this is going to be lots of fun.

Wow, this is going to be the best family night ever.

I'm just going to go get me a ball.

right here.

I know, but last time I was here, I hit a really good one under the cigarette

machine. I'll be right back.

All right, I'm here. What am I up to? You're up fourth, right behind me,

up the rear, just where I like you.

That doesn't sound right.

I'm going to finish my turn.

Hi.

Hey, we're the Jensen's.

Oh, we're the Millers. I'm Cheryl.

That's Tommy, Cindy, Austin, and my husband, Big Tom.

Better watch it. Every family that plays next to us usually gets a pretty good

shellacking. Well, every family that plays next to us usually gets food

on them. Okay.

to compete.

Oh, well, of course not. But just for the record, we're ahead.

Just for the record, you're a freaking lunatic.

Oh, Billy, come on, you're up. I'm looking pretty good for the team. Just

up. So I guess you better just roll the strike.

Great idea.

Thanks, buddy.

Go ahead.

Nope, you go ahead. Losing team goes first.

Not very well, huh, Big Tom?

A booyah.

Can I just bowl?

Oh, of course.

Crack.

Nice job, Mommy.

Where are the snacks?

What? Oh, they ran out of snacks.

Out of snacks at a bowling alley?

You're right, that's crazy. I'll go check again.

I'd knock him over with your mind, Bergner, especially your mind.

Don't rush me, Miller. This is my process.

If you're in such a hurry, why don't you just go ahead?

Thanks for letting me go out of turn.

This is so lame. Where's our food?

They're still cooking it. I'll grab it after this, Frank.

Dad, it's Tina's turn.

Oh, sorry.

Here, let me help you with that.

Let go of the ball.

Now.

That ball finally gets down there. It's going to knock over some pins. When it

does, Daddy's going to be real proud of you.

I'm sorry, but your little girl cheated.

What? It doesn't count. She crossed over the foul line.

Okay, then I guess we lose this game we haven't been playing.

Can you believe this, Bill?

Bill? He's gone again. What the hell? How does he keep bowling? Maybe he's

fighting crime.

Yes! Pardon me.

Who are you and why are you bowling on my lane?

Oh, I'm with the bowling alley. This one's all fixed, Jim.

Shouldn't give you any more problems.

He's not here in five seconds. I say he's out.

That's for tonight, Judy. I'm sorry.

Zip it, Bill. I've had it. I thought tonight was about being together, but

clearly it was just about you. Look, I know what I did was stupid, and you're

really mad, and you have every right to be, but on a side note, I've bowled six

strikes in a row, so if God's not mad at me, how can you be?

Hardness? Millers?

It's your turn.

Back off, lady. We're having a family discussion.

Some family?

Excuse me?

Oh, no.

Come on, kid.

Put on your shoes. We're going. This whole family night thing has been a

of time.

Looks like the Millers forfeit.

And the Jensens win again.

Yes!

Who the hell are these people?

Jensens. I think they're playing against us. Correction. We were playing against

you. Your family forfeited.

Oh, really?

Well, I say the Millers don't forfeit.

I say the Millers forget their differences and bowl with pride against

Jensens. Now, who's with me?

Just a bunch of crickets there, buddy.

Good one, Big Tom.

Burned you up.

Well, no, but we've burned you because we'll actually burn you.

Okay, lady, you want to play?

Let's play.

Oh, you're in trouble now.

We may not be go fish people and we may not be puzzle people, but you're about

to find out that we are bitter petty people.

Yeah!

Miller, what's the deal? You're up. At last, Bergner. I'm busy with my family.

If you don't ball right now, you're never going to make the team.

I already have a team.

Thank you, Bill.

All right, Big Tom, let's go.

I got a hundred bucks that says the Millers wiped the floor with you.

64, 65, 66.

And that's all I got.

Give me your address and we'll drop by and give you the rest.

We're good.

I can't believe we lost to those idiots.

I can't... Can't you believe it? We dunked. Hey, we might have lost, and we

might have missed a spare or two, Lauren.

But the point is, we stunk together as a family, and that's a memory we'll

always have. And more importantly, we shorted them 34 bucks.

Jetson's rule!

Jetson's rule!

Sin of those Jetsons. Now, come on, let's be good sports.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to go over there and congratulate them.

Yes, I am.

You guys go out into the parking lot, find a geeky minivan plastered with

roll stickers, and write Miller's Rule in ketchup and mustard.

Who has the best mommy in the world?

They do kind of get in the way.

Maybe she can't see us.

I see you.

Well, Doug broke up with me.

Oh, honey.

Yeah, you know what he says now? He says, it's not me, it's him.

If it makes you feel any better, it really is you.

Honey, I know what might cheer you up.

Let's do a puzzle like we used to do with Mom and Dad.

Can we drink? There's wine in the fridge.

Thanks, guys.

Hey, uh, you know, you're the only family I need.

It's going to be a really fun night. We'll do puzzles and watch movies. It'll

like our own little slumber party.

Come on, we can't.

Wouldn't happen.