Original subtitles

I suggest you two wipe those smirks off your faces.

Coming in at two in the morning isn't funny.

Drinking is not funny. And waking up the neighbors by lighting firecrackers on

their front lawn certainly is not funny.

That's why your father and I want to apologize for everything that happened

night.

But your mom's birthday only comes once a year.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to go put the neighbor's mailbox back up.

Breadwinners home, let the adoring begin.

Did you get the milk?

Crap.

Who needs milk? I say we keep our kids small and weak.

Bill, think this one through. They don't grow, they don't leave.

I'll go later.

Don't worry about it, Dad. I'll just put beer on my cereal.

Just make sure you use that diet beer your mom drinks.

Baby pizzas.

Too young to defend themselves.

Hey, hey, hey. Hands off. Did I say you could touch those?

It's like our first date all over again.

They're from my book club.

What book club?

My new book club. We're meeting here tonight. I told you about it a thousand

times. You never told me about a book club.

Bill, remember, my book club meets tonight.

Also, buy milk.

Hey, if you want me to read something, you've got to put it where I'll see it.

Property of Lauren.

See, I read food.

Hey, that's mine.

Look, the way it works is I made you so I get to eat your food.

That's called a food chain.

Daddy. Hey, if it isn't my exercise for the day.

Up and down and done.

Mommy, can you read this to me?

Oh, Tina, Mommy's busy.

But if you cover it in bologna, I bet Daddy will read it to you.

No, Daddy. All right, Lauren, you read it to her.

Geez, first you make me help out in the kitchen, and now I have to read to Tina?

What are you guys going to do when I move out?

Oh, we're putting a pool table in your bedroom.

Hey, I thought we agreed on air hockey.

So what are you going to do while I'm having my book club?

Maybe I'll order a pizza, go upstairs, watch behind the music.

Oh, who's gone?

What's the difference? Someone's going to get fat, someone's going to go broke,

someone's going to find God.

Man, I love that show.

You're welcome to come to my book club. Linda's going to be there. She has a

huge crush on the guy who's leading it. Oh, that sounds like fun.

Books, your sister, throw in a gas leak and I'm there.

If you're there, there'll be a gas leak.

Why are you having this thing, anyway?

Because I work and I take care of the kids and I want to do something for

for a change.

Couldn't we join a sandwich -making club?

Hey, we could call it club sandwich.

Plus, I could use a little adult conversation.

Why don't you go out to the garage and get the folding chairs?

This isn't even my thing.

What do I get out of it? What do you want?

Sex. No, widescreen TV.

You said sex first.

All right, Beck.

Fine. Three times.

Great.

In a row.

All right, but I get to pick the other two guys.

Okay, but I get to go first.

Although I heard Papa's voice calling my name, with outstretched arms, I kick

slightly, the dank brown hay drowning me completely.

I don't think the author's just talking about hiding out in some hayloft, is he,

Linda? No.

No, he is not.

With a buzzword like drowning, we know he's saying that Tom must feel like

emotionally he's choking to death.

That is an excellent point. I just want to add, how lucky are we to have

Terrence lead our book club?

Oh, no need to applaud. I just went to the store for beer.

Did you get milk?

Ah, crap.

Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.

Judy, would you like to comment on the passage we were talking about?

Me?

I don't know. Well, it seemed kind of religious, the way the author talked

the outstretched arms, kind of like a crucifixion or something.

That's very insightful, Judy.

Really? You think so?

Were you a literature major?

Oh, no, I went to work right out of high school. I went to college.

Oh, okay.

Did you want to add something, Linda?

No, I just wanted to say I went to college.

So, Judy, do you have any other thoughts?

Well, I really like the way he writes. Sometimes you forget how words can be so

delicate, so beautiful. Run, run, you lazy dumbass.

The beautiful language that contrasted so sharply with the horrible conditions

that we're forced to live in, it melted my heart a little bit. Run, you stupid

piece of... Bill!

Could you keep it down? sweetie talking to me babe i thought you were

watching behind the music it was amy grant turns out there was nothing behind

the music watching football well can you keep it down sure sorry i'm sorry where

were we well i was just going to say that your observation was very astute

thanks so nice to have someone compliment my opinion

To have the time to talk about stuff that's intellectual.

Oh, excuse me. I got it. I got it. Don't get up. It's for me.

Sorry about that.

How's the reading going?

Actually, we're just talking about the point in the book.

Don't ruin it for me.

I'm just kidding. I'm never reading that thing.

Hey, Mike. Hey.

Come on, buddy. This is Judy's book club.

Oh, well, cool.

Hey. Linda.

Michael. You're looking hot.

You're looking sweaty.

Hey, remember back in high school when you said you wouldn't date me in a

million years?

It's getting closer.

Bye, Mike. Let's go.

Some people just aren't the book club type, huh?

Oh, you work out.

I am so sorry for all the interruptions. Now, where were we?

Oh, Mike, you jackass. You dropped the pizza on the floor.

What are we going to do now?

Hey.

You guys want to trade a big pizza for some little ones?

Well, you sure were in there a long time.

Uh -huh.

Did you have a nice bath?

Uh -huh.

You just going to leave that there? Because when I do that, you, uh... I'll

get that for you.

It smells like pizza in here.

Did you eat pizza on the bed?

Oh, yeah, but I put something down.

Did you put my pillow down?

No.

Bill. All right, you're problem solved.

You had your book club. Now, I believe you owe me sex.

Are you out of your mind? You completely ruined book club.

What? You were loud. You were obnoxious. You interrupted. Everybody had a

terrible time. You sure that isn't because it was a book club?

You know, Bill, it's real easy to make fun of something that you don't

understand. I'm trying to better myself.

Use my brain for a change.

Ah, come on. You use that thing all the time.

No, I don't. I take care of kids all the time.

I haven't used my brain since high school. I was smart back then.

I used to love to read.

We used to read together.

That's because you were naked.

I wasn't naked.

You were in here, baby.

All right, you know what, Bill? Just because book club isn't your thing,

don't ruin it for me. Look, I get it. This is important to you. Next time,

just go over to Mike's. Thank you.

Bill, stop sniffing the pillow.

You really, really didn't have to host book club again.

No, no, I'm glad to do it. I like happening.

Yeah, it's nice.

Bill's not going to be here. Oh, wonderful.

Hey, Terry.

Hey.

I, uh, I was thinking maybe you would like to have coffee?

Oh, God, I'd love that.

Really? Yeah, a little cream, no sugar?

I'll just go get that, then.

Okay, if everybody could grab a seat, we can get started.

I hope everybody enjoyed Tears or Killarney.

Who'd like to start?

Well, I guess I'll go. I thought this book was really... Keys, keys, keys.

Oh, goody, Bill's here.

I'm not. I'm not here. Nobody look at me.

Bill, what are you doing? I'm just finding my keys, then I'm out of here.

Anybody see him? Anybody sitting on him? They're on a ring, about five keys.

There are many flashlight, nail trimmer, shark's tooth, little Chicago Bears

guy. Why don't you try the pants you had on yesterday?

Oh, good idea. Hang on.

No, not there.

Judy, what were you going to say? I don't remember.

Well, then let me just kick things off by asking, was anybody else blown away

when we learned the identity of the wagon driver?

Yeah, I totally didn't see it coming. There was nothing in the book that even

hinted at it.

I mean, who else could it really be? Everything they set up in the book

pointed towards the schoolmaster.

Do you have a problem?

I think it was so obvious it was Kate who killed her brother. You could see it

coming a mile away.

Keys, keys, keys.

You read the book?

Yeah, I was in the bathroom. There was nothing else to read.

I had pizza for dinner, and sometimes cheese can... Well, you don't need to

all that.

Why was it so obvious to you that Kate did it?

Well, that lawyer guy had a bum leg, and whoever did it made a quick getaway.

But what do I know? You know what? That's true, Bill. Plus, the magistrate

really didn't have motive to want to kill him.

Well, he kind of did.

But I can see how someone might not get that right off because it was kind of

complicated.

Really? Well, I didn't find it complicated at all.

Even though the magistrate had an affair with Rose, Edward didn't really care

about that.

Ah.

I also thought that Edward's marriage to Rose had nothing to do with love. It

was all about money and title. What? What? What?

Even if Edward didn't give a crap about Rose, I mean, come on, she's still his

wife. He's got to do something. She's running around behind his back.

The whole story's been built into it. This is clearly a story of revenge.

Ah.

Bottom line, you swap out Edward for Schwarzenegger, this book's basically a

ripoff of the movie Commando.

Yeah, the author ripped off Commando back in 1888.

Whatever. All I'm saying is Edward had motive.

Because when it comes down to it, a guy's a guy.

And sometimes a guy's got to kick a little ass.

On Terry Bumpen.

Why don't you say we take a break from book club and look for Bill Keith?

Hey, great idea, honey.

So, uh, anyone else think the stable boy might have been riding side saddle?

Hey, Brian.

Dad, is the TV busted?

Nope. I'm reading a book. Is it a book about the TV?

Oh, I'm reading an actual book. Is that so weird?

Is there a tiny little playboy in there?

If you don't leave, I'm going to go up to your room and touch stuff.

I'm so exhausted, Tina wouldn't let me go until all the guests left her tea

party. And that ice skater Barbie cannot take a hint.

Mm -hmm.

What are you doing? I'm just reading a book. Geez, you're all acting like it's

that time I ate a salad.

It's a book we're reading for book club. Yeah, I bought it today.

You know that place where the mall sells coffee and rolls?

You turn around, they sell books in there, too.

So you're coming back to book club?

Yeah, that Terrence guy asked me to come back.

Really?

Well, you know, Bill, you don't need to feel obligated.

No, it was fun.

Okay. All right, you proved your point. You can read a book.

Now, why don't you call Mike?

You guys could watch a game, scratch yourselves, burp.

No, no, no, no, no. I really liked it. They were all looking at me like I was a

genius. Like Tina's friends when I turned my eyelids inside out.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we stop using our brains for a while and start using our bodies?

Sex so soon after lunch?

Don't we have to wait an hour so we don't cramp up?

I thought since the TV was off, I would turn you on.

Well, well, well.

Let me just finish this page.

I need you now.

That was amazing.

One minute short of spectacular.

A new record.

Why is it that more clothes makes it more dirty?

What are you doing?

Just seeing how far you are in your book.

Oh, 16.

I'm on 20.

You know, Bill, about book club, it didn't go as well as you think.

What do you mean?

Well, a couple people called and they were kind of upset about how you...

Barged in and took over.

Really, they were?

Yeah, but they're snooty. You don't want to hang with them.

I thought they liked me.

Well, to your faith. But behind your back, there was a lot of this.

They were doing the blah, blah, blah hand?

Sorry, honey.

Wow, that is unbelievable.

I know.

Because there was nobody behind my back. You're just making up these lies to

keep me from going back to book club. What? I know what's going on. Your book

friends like me better than you. Oh, please. Yeah.

That's right. I'm better at book club than you, and you're jealous.

It's not about who's better, and you are so not better at book club than me. You

compared a classic piece of literature to the movie Commando.

I believe also a classic.

I'm just trying to keep you from embarrassing yourself.

You're just trying to keep me out. I'm not trying to keep you out. Oh, sure

you're not. I need you now.

You never need me now.

So you know what I was doing all along, and you still had sex with me?

Uh, duh.

Proving once again that I am smarter than you think.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a book to read better than you.

Fine, do whatever you want. I will.

Thanks for the afternoon sex.

For your information, I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed it more. You were great.

You were better.

That is a lie, and you know it.

You know, I don't... I don't think Terrence even knows that I'm interested.

Maybe I should... Maybe I should just be bold and ask him out. But, you know, I

don't want to blow this, but I really like this guy. Is that too forward?

Look at Bill over there, all stupid and talking.

Let's gather.

I hope everybody enjoyed reading Water in the Shadows.

Who would like to start? I have some thoughts.

Me too.

Hey. Hey, I didn't know we were allowed to write stuff down. That's cheating.

Well, it's not really a competition.

Oh, but if it was, she'd be cheating, right?

I believe I was talking.

Then I'll be listening.

Fine, then stop moving your mouth. No problem.

You're still talking. I'm done.

Why don't you just go first? No, you go first. I'm not falling for that. Neither

am I.

I have company. Just please say something about the book.

It didn't matter how... Jean -Luc never really... Jean -Luc never really... Jean

-Luc never really cared what Claire wanted to do. She didn't care about the

book.

Okay, it's really important that we each go one at a time.

Stop it! You're ruining book club!

Well,

we can add book club to the list of things we've been kicked out of for

fighting. A little less embarrassing than church, a little more embarrassing

than Taco Bell.

Not funny, Bill. This was important to me.

Well, that became clear when you took my book outside and threw it in the

street. What's going on with it?

I don't know. I guess... It's just that I'm supposed to be smarter than you are.

There, are you happy?

Well, not really, no.

I may be a complete idiot, but what the hell's that supposed to mean?

See, you got your thing, Bill. You know, you're the wild one. The life of the

party. The guy who makes funny faces with his belly.

It was supposed to be my thing. I worked real hard at it. I made notes, I

underlined, and bam, one trip to the toilet and you're brilliant.

How was I to know I was going to be good at this reading thing?

I didn't ask for this gift.

Look, honey, I never meant to horn in on your thing. I was just trying to show

an interest in something you like.

And if I got crazy, I'm sorry.

It's all right. Forget about it. So we're good?

Does someone need a kiss from Belly Man?

Why doesn't Belly Man help me put stuff away?

Judy, Belly Man has no arms.

Hey, there.

Where's the money you owe me for that book report?

What?

Uh, Brian, we don't pay you for book reports you write at school. Now, why

you... Shut!

Brian, did you read tonight's book club book for your father?

Brian, you do not have to answer that.

Brian, I cook your food and I know all your allergies.

Dad paid me to write it. I knew it! I knew you weren't smart!

Hey, I read the first book. It was good. It had mud and disease. But that second

book just sucked.

Does it really take a whole chapter to describe a sunset?

You paid Brian to do what you couldn't do, which proves I am smarter than you.

No, I paid Brian to do what I couldn't than to do, which means I'm smarter.

Brian! Who's smarter?

Judy, what are we doing here?

Let's just face the fact that I am the smarter one. What?

I'm smarter because I married a beautiful, sexy woman who also happens

brilliant. Oh, you think I'm dumb enough to fall for that line.

Crap, come here.

I'm sorry I acted the way I did.

I never meant to treat you this way.

If I've been a little distant, I apologize.

I swear to God it will never happen again.

Are you talking to someone?

No, it's just the TV.

I wouldn't have it any other way Cause you make me happy