Original subtitles

Hey, Daddy.

How was work?

Making the world a better place, one toilet at a time.

You're my hero.

Oh.

Mmm, I'm hungry. Something smells good.

I'm just boiling water. And where's it coming from?

Oh, wait, I got barbecue sauce on my shirt.

When you eat lunch, does any of it go in your mouth?

I have 30 minutes to eat 45 minutes worth of food. There's bound to be

Besides, you might want to be nice to me.

Oh, no way.

ACDC concert.

Morse, how'd you get these?

Some loser at work had a baby.

Well, she says she can't go to the concert. She's got to be home with a

She's no ACDC fan.

Oh, who should I take? Who should I take?

I have the tickets.

Oh, take me, take me. All right.

Yes. Do you want to go to dinner beforehand?

Do you want to have sex after the concert?

After the concert? You're no ACDC fan. Yes, I am.

Mom, Dad, if you have a minute, can I have a word with you?

As long as that word isn't pregnant.

Bill, don't be ridiculous. I would have read about that in her diary.

Can I possibly ever have a serious conversation with you? Sorry.

What's on your mind, honey?

Well, concerning the Saturday evening... Concerning the Saturday evening...

Bill, go ahead, honey.

Concerning the Saturday evening...

I'm waiting.

All right, well, I'm sorry. Yes, concerning this Saturday evening.

Well, Tiffany's older sister is a cheerleader, and she's having a party on

Saturday, and I've been invited.

There's going to be boys there and possibly beer, but I promise I won't

do anything bad.

May I have your permission to go?

Are her parents going to be there?

No, but I will conduct myself responsibly.

I'd like to start attending parties, and that's why I'm telling you all this.

I want to show you that you can trust me because I'm on it.

Well, we respect that you came to us. It was a very mature thing to do. You've

obviously grown up a lot during the past year. Oh, Bill, quit teasing her.

She's not going.

I know.

Did you see her little face?

For a second, she got all excited.

I'm still in love with you this day because you make me happy.

Stop being unreasonable. We can't possibly let you go to a party where

boys and beer. There is such a double standard in this house. I'm sure Brian's

invited, and I bet you'll let him go.

Invited where?

We will not let him go.

Let me go where? Of course you will, because it's a cheerleader party. And

he's a cheerleader, all his friends are going to be there.

All my friends are having a party?

Brian would have to ask us if he could go, and we would tell him no, just like

we told you. Yeah, right.

Wait, she got invited?

Hey, Lauren, you want me to prove my point? Brian, you are not going to that

party. What party?

I'm going to my room.

Lauren, there is no way that you can go to some boy -girl cheerleader beer bash,

and that's final. Oh, you make me so mad.

That's real mature.

Real mature.

What party?

Five minutes ago, everything was fine. Now doors are slamming.

I have no idea how to deal with daughters and their girl problems.

Why did they invite me to the party? I'm a cheerleader.

Or sons and their girl problems.

I mean, I choreographed that entire halftime show that we did.

Whose idea was it to go urban?

Mine.

And who loved it?

Everyone?

I'm sure they did, son.

I mean, I don't get it.

Why don't I ever get invited to these parties?

I'll be right back.

Son, there are a million things you can ask my advice about, and most of what I

tell you will be pure nonsense.

Parties, that's where your old man shines.

That's because you probably got invited. Not at first.

When I was a freshman, I wanted to get in with the football players because,

man, those guys were getting a lot of tail to tell the next day in school.

And anyway,

they had a party. I went along, pretended I belonged, and I got a little

can't ever tell your mother.

But they knew you weren't invited. Didn't they kick you out? No, no, I laid

I just hung out in the kitchen.

I made a pyramid out of empty beer cans, and when the guys came in, they assumed

I drank all that beer, and bam, a legend was born.

And then I started living the legend, and that's why you'll need grants and

loans to get through college.

So you're saying when you were my age, you were a loser like me?

Brian Miller, I don't ever want to hear you talk like that.

I was not a loser.

And neither am I.

Oh, yeah, no.

Thanks a lot, Dad. Glad to help.

Daddy, can I ask you a question?

Well, Daddy's very hungry, so as long as it's quick.

Who's God?

Hi.

Just came over to spend some time with my favorite nieces and nephews.

No, you didn't. You're here on guard duty while Mom and Dad go to the

so I don't try and sneak out to the party.

Okay, that is so not true. I'm here because I love you.

Hey, Aunt Linda.

Hey, Lauren, Brian's not allowed to go either, and he's not acting all crabby.

That's because he wasn't invited.

Okay, quit teasing your brother. I'm sure he was invited.

I wasn't.

If Brian knew these people, I'm sure they would have invited him.

They're all my friends.

Well, maybe they forgot. Aunt Linda, please.

I know what it's like when you can't go to a party because you're too young or

you're not invited or you're breaking out because that dermatologist is too

expensive. Thank you, Mother.

But, uh, that's when you make your own fun. That's why I brought Party in a

What's Party in a Bag?

big project on Monday.

Yeah, you know, me too.

Hey, who knows the brat, Footloose, who wants a taste of the bacon? He's hot and

sizzling.

Hey, Linda, we're going to the concert. Remember, no one leaves this house.

Lauren. Until I meet a boy with a car, then I am so gone.

Honey, please don't threaten us with peace and quiet.

Tina, we're going.

Okay, you know the rules.

No smoking, no fireworks, no borrowing the car.

Mommy and Daddy are going to drink from the fountain of youth called A .C.

Lightning Bolt, D .C.

Tina, have fun with your Aunt Linda.

Don't wait up, Grandma. We're going to be rocking all night long.

Did you bring your Visina Neoplugs? Yep. Work the fanny pack on.

Lock and load, baby.

Look at that woman trying to be 18 again.

That halter top ain't halting anything anymore.

Check out the guy with the rainbow tattoo. There's nothing but a pot of old

the end of that.

Well, at least we're still cool.

When are they going to open these doors?

I'm ready to rock.

Pearl over there, I bet she's barely 14.

What's she doing here? Come on, Judy. You snuck out to your first ACDC concert

when you were 14.

That was great.

Nobody leaves this house, Judy.

Parents totally trusted me, fools.

They were so clueless.

Bill, you don't think Lauren would try... Judy, Judy, don't go there. Floor

seats. Give me the phone. I want to call home and make sure she didn't try

anything stupid.

She'll be fine.

Linda's with her.

Oh, my God. What were we thinking?

She went to bed.

It's 7 .30.

Don't worry. I checked on her like half an hour ago. She's out cold.

Yes, I'm sure.

Okay. Tina, hand me that book.

Now go upstairs to her room and throw it as hard as you can at the lump in the

bed. I'll hold it.

Hey, you. Does your mother know you're here?

Well, she better enjoy the next three hours, because as soon as this concert's

over, we're pulling her out of that party and she is dead.

No, she's her daughter.

You're right.

One on the floor. Give her hell.

Give her hell.

Two on the floor.

Okay, just be cool.

If Lauren finds out we're here looking for her, she'll take off out the back.

Riley, you check upstairs. I'll look down here.

Yeah, any kids up there?

Yeah, in the bedrooms.

Choo -dee -choo -dee bedrooms.

So are you Tiffany's dad?

Yes. I like to provide a love den for underage kids to drink and make out.

That's awesome.

Yeah, and at midnight I give a big prize to Chicago's stupidest high school

student.

You got a real shot this year.

That's awesome.

Excuse me. I need to, uh... Dude, drop your cell phone.

Hey, dude, you dropped your cell phone.

Well, well, well, little missy, I knew I'd find you here.

Dude, you dropped your cell phone.

Ah, man, a beer can pyramid.

Yeah!

Brian?

Oh, no.

Dad, what are you doing here?

You kidding me, dude?

I heard this was the total blowout of the semester.

Dad, I'm just here because you told me not to wait for an invitation.

I wasn't talking about this party. Let me smell your breath.

You've been drinking coffee?

Yeah, I figured this party would go way past my bedtime.

How many cups you got?

Two, three, four, five, six, I don't know.

You didn't drink any beer?

No, but I'm flying.

Well, you better fly home before your mom gets down here.

Mom's here? Yeah, she's upstairs. Look at the Lauren.

Lauren's not here.

No, and neither are you. Now, go home. Don't you dare let your mother know it

was my idea to... Look who I found.

Why, look at his eyes.

How many cups of coffee has he had?

Don't you think you could sneak out of the house and crash a party?

The truth is... I don't want to hear his coffeed -up version of the truth.

The more important thing is to get Brian home and find Lauren.

Please don't embarrass me.

Okay. Your mom and I are going to call the cops.

and you head for the front door and walk home.

Thanks for being cool, guys.

Cool? You've turned us from hard rockers into cap -calling parents.

That is so bogus, young man.

I can't believe Lauren would do that to me, you know? I mean, I'm the aunt.

I'm the fun one. I'm the one you're supposed to tell your secret to.

They could have been now.

Hi, Aunt Linda. Oh, my...

I was at a party.

Okay, you better get upstairs right now, because your parents are on their way

home, and hey!

Look who I caught trying to sneak out.

We found them at the party and told them to come home.

Look who I caught trying to sneak... in.

Have you heard from Lauren?

No, but look, Tina's still here. Oh, Tina.

Why didn't you go to bed? It's way past your bedtime.

I wanted to, but Aunt Linda kept talking. Okay.

I'm going to take you upstairs.

This is why I am never having children.

Daddy says you're too old.

She's not at Bethany's. I'm going to try Ashley's. Brian, you are in so much

trouble. You are so grounded. Go upstairs.

I only did what Dad said. Hold there, son. I don't want to hear your excuses.

Wait a second. What did you say, Brian? It was Dad. Ho! Not another word, Brian.

Bill, let him talk. Ho!

Stop it!

Brian, did your father tell you you could go to this party?

No, he didn't.

Brian... He said it would make me cool.

Oh, okay, okay.

You know what doesn't make you cool? Knocking on your dad.

Nice work, Bill. Now, let's see, what stories did you tell Lauren? Anything

about hopping a freight car and seeing America?

No one's home at Ashley's house. I gotta go find her phone book. I'll look for a

class list.

Dad?

Yes, Narc.

Thanks for not embarrassing me.

Brian, let me be clear about this. You don't sneak out of this house to go to

parties.

But don't you ever let anyone make you feel like you don't belong somewhere,

understand?

Yes. Thanks, Dad.

Good.

So did you talk to any girls at the party?

No, I was too busy building my pyramid.

No, son, if you ever want to get under a girl's sweater, then what you got to

do... You know what? I'm in enough trouble.

Thank you, Mrs. Hernandez. Sorry to have bothered you. Bye.

Bill, it's getting late. I'm starting to worry. Well, keep calling. We'll find

her. Find who?

Oh, thank God! Lauren, where have you been?

Downstairs. You guys are home early. How was the concert?

You were downstairs?

Yeah, in the basement. I was listening to some of your old records.

You were listening to our old record. Judy, if our daughter said she was

downstairs, then we should trust you. Yeah, yeah, she's warm. She hasn't been

outside.

Then why did you ball up your clothing underneath your blankets to make it look

like you were sleeping?

I didn't want Aunt Linda to know I was still awake.

She brought party in a bath.

Oh, yeah.

So you were home this entire time?

Yeah. You guys told me I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, and I gave you my word

that I wouldn't. Good, because we busted your brother at that party.

Oh, so you went to the party looking for me and you found him. You thought I had

betrayed your trust when really it was Brian.

Lauren, we made a mistake.

I am sorry we misjudged you. Well, maybe next time that you're ready to accuse

me of lying and sneaking out, you'll remember this.

You're right. You have our trust from now on. Thank you.

Where are you going?

To listen to some more record.

Pink Floyd rocks!

Isn't that great?

Our daughter thinks Pink Floyd rocks.

We totally got away with it. My parents are so clueless.

Hi.

I'm Mr. Clueless. I'd like to introduce my wife, Mrs., uh... Clueless, honey.

Hi, uh, these kids, they ran away from the other party and they tried to hide

our basement.

I told them no.

Floyd Rocks part.

Pink Floyd doesn't rock. Pink Floyd is mellow.

Let's go inside the house, kids. We're going to call your parents. Oh, my God.

We're now the parents that call other parents.

I looked hot tonight.

Hey, aren't you Tiffany's dad?

Okay, it's official. You're the stupidest kid in Chicago.

Well, we've got to hand it to you, kids. This has been quite a night.

Yes, it's inevitable.

We're both in an age where we're going to try and pull stunts like this. But

you're forgetting that your mother and I know all the tricks. For instance,

Lauren. I'll bet you greased the window so it opened silently. Then you shinnied

down the drainpipe.

You crept across the backyard.

Heel toe, heel toe, heel toe.

You snapped a twig. Stop. No sudden movement.

Actually, I went up the front stairs, down the back stairs, and let my friends

in. But you're away with the dream pipe? Can you stop giving them ideas?

What your father's trying to say is anything you can think of, anything you

I guarantee we've done it and done it way better.

You're playing against a championship team here.

So go ahead and try, but we'll catch you.

You caught me by accident. Okay, just for that, if I ever catch you at a party

again, I'm going to climb up on the couch and shout, Hey, everybody, I'm

Miller's dad.

And my fly will be open.

Anything else?

You know, it doesn't seem fair to me that we're getting in trouble for doing

the same stuff you did.

Because, Brian, we have a lot of regrets.

We did a lot of idiotic stuff, and we're lucky that we never got arrested,

convicted, or worse. Right, Bill?

I remember this one time I was climbing a hotel fire escape with a 12 -pack in

one hand, and I fell to my death.

The point is, we're not only watching you, But we are one step ahead of you.

Now get up to your room and think about what we just told you.

So how was your party? Good. How was yours? Cool. Can you two at least

you've just gotten in trouble?

Don't you see that, Bill?

They didn't feel bad for a second.

I don't think they're afraid of us. We are so screwed.

I thought we had a chance with a boy.

Remember when they were babies and you couldn't leave them alone for a second?

You had to check on them in their beds. They were always throwing up.

Well, we're back to that.

Here's the plan.

We hang on another few years, then there's society's problem.

Sorry, we missed our date tonight.

Well, there's still a little bit of time left.

We could put on some romantic music.

See where the night takes us?

pounding on my door. Yeah, well, he won't get off the internet and I need to

make a phone call.

Brian and Lauren won't stop fighting.

The internet is not my homework.

Honey, do you want to handle this or should I?

I got it.