Original subtitles

Hey, sweetie.

Did you bring me anything?

Yep. Here's my paycheck.

Can I buy candy with it? That's what I do.

Well, tell him we hope he feels better. Yeah, we'll do it another time.

Okay, you too.

Bye.

Hey, honey, guess what? Shh, shh, shh. I just want to enjoy the one minute

between the terrible week I just had and the exhausting weekend I'm sure is

ahead of me.

And what you got for me?

Well, one thing we don't have is dinner with the Carlsons. Dan broke his

collarbone. Yes!

I mean, I can't fake it. Yes!

Mommy, what color is the flower?

Bill, we really have to plant something in the yard this year.

I'd go with red, honey. So what else we got this weekend?

Uh, nothing.

No soccer matches, no math tournaments. Oh, my God, we have a free weekend.

We have to be careful, because the last time this happened, we had too much time

on our hands, and we wound up... with this bundle of jewelry.

How do you spell welcome?

W -E -L -C -O -M.

E. I was resting.

How do you spell Nana?

N -A -N -A. Wait a minute. Welcome, Nana. What are you doing?

You can welcome me in a sign.

Well, honey, we only make those when Anna comes to visit.

I know. She called and asked me if she could come visit.

God! Okay, okay.

My mom moved slow. Maybe we still have time to tell her not to come.

It's ringing. Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Anna's here.

Maybe she's just here for the day.

And she's got a big suitcase.

Sorry, Bill.

I just need one more second to feel good about myself.

I'm a good man, I'm a good man, I'm a good man. Mom!

Nana's here.

Hey, sweetie.

Hello, Billy, my little boy.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Judy.

Oh, I see you still like your hair like that.

Good for you.

Thanks.

So, we didn't know you were coming.

You don't want me here. Maybe I should just go.

No, no, no, Mom, Mom, Mom, don't leave. Look, look, I made you a sign.

Because you made me happy.

Look at my mother in there, being all loving and sweet with her grandkids.

Pull off the mask, Mom. Let them see who you really are.

Well, she's a divorced woman with no kids in the house, baby. She's just

How could my dad have gotten custody of me when they got divorced?

Because you were 36.

And I already had custody of you.

It's not that bad. How is it not that bad?

Because it's your family and not mine.

I'm glad you find my pain so amusing.

Oh, please, you laughed at me while I was in labor.

In my defense, I was drunk.

Billy, I need you to get me something.

Here she comes. with her demands.

Well, I'll tell you, this time I'm not going to let her guilt me into doing

everything she wants.

Billy, if I don't take my pill in the next minute, I could collapse, but I can

wait. Come on!

And then your dad wet himself at the circus, which is why we used to call him

Mr. Tinklepan.

I love it when Hannah visits.

All right, kids, everybody upstairs.

Oh, they are so sweet.

So, Mom, big surprise, you showing up.

Oh, it's not a surprise. I told Tina.

Yeah, well, maybe next time you can tell us. Then we can plan for it better.

Well, I thought she'd want her children to get to know their grandmother. But if

not, I can just take those three buses back to Joliet.

Maybe I can get a seat next to that nice wino.

It's a little unruly the more he drinks.

No, Mom, I didn't mean it that way. Please don't go.

I don't know. I...

Mom, please stay. Please.

Everybody wants you to stay. The kids, me, Judy.

Mom, please, please put down your bag.

All right.

I'll stay.

Thank you, Mom.

Sounds like you really stood your ground in there, especially during the Mommy,

Please, Please, Stay part. I don't know how she does it. Oh, I do. I've been

watching this game for 16 years now.

What game?

You know, the one where your mom picks on you and you get upset and then she

acts hurt and then she guilts you into begging her to stay. Not this again. I'm

going to keep saying it until you listen. It takes two to play this game.

you have to do is stop taking the bait. The next time she makes you miserable,

just ignore her. No, Judy, all I have to do is sit her down and talk to her like

an adult. In her mind, I'm still Billy. She doesn't realize I'm a grown man.

Okay, but before you have this conversation, give me the heads up,

going to want to pull up a chair and pop some popcorn.

You know, Mom, you don't have to sleep on the couch. Stay in one of the kids'

rooms. They can sleep down here.

Oh, no, I wouldn't want to put anyone out.

But I do like to watch TV late, so if you need to charge me for the extra

electricity, that's fine.

I'm not going to charge you for electricity.

Listen, Mom, we need to talk.

You know, I think what would make this visit more pleasant for everyone is if

we'd treat each other like adults.

I mean, I'm a grown man.

Really, something's the matter with you, TV. All the channels are wrong.

We have a different cable system than you, Mom, that's all.

Now, what I'm saying is I'm a grown... But Emeril is on 42 at my house, and

what's on 42 here, some Chinese movie.

It's the cable system, Mom. Now, if you'll just hear me out, I'm a grown

Maybe your remote is busted.

No, no, no, no. Here, 53, Emerald. There you go. You should really call that

cable company and get those channels fixed, Billy. It's the cable system,

There's nothing wrong with our TV.

Maybe I should just go. All right.

What was your way again?

What happened to the adult conversation?

Got a little off track.

By the way, the cable guy's coming tomorrow.

Why's the cable guy?

So are you going to help me or what?

Okay. The first step is to ignore her when she's trying to bait you.

Come on.

Bill, why don't you wear a belt with those pants? I bought you a belt for

birthday. What are you doing?

I'm being your mom. Well, quit it. No.

Billy, if you don't like the belt, you can give it back and I'll return it. I'm

serious. Cut it out.

Bill, I'm not going to stop until you give me the right answer because God

she's not going to stop.

Billy, give me the belt and I'll return it. Judy.

Mom.

No, Mom, don't return it. I really like it.

That's exactly wrong. That's what you always do. You're appeasing her. So what

am I supposed to say?

Say nothing.

That way she has no place to go, you see.

Well, I guess it's worth a try.

That's my boy now. Give me a kiss. Oh, yeah, right. Like that's gonna happen

tonight.

Maybe I should just go.

Thank you for taking me to the bank, Billy.

My pleasure.

I don't like these minivans.

There are too many buttons.

And the seat's too far back.

You can move the seat if you want to, but there is a button involved.

No, thanks. I can just be uncomfortable.

God knows it's not as bad as your couch.

Did you hear me, Billy?

I heard you. I just didn't have anything to add. What kind of a smart remark was

that? It wasn't a smart remark, Mom. It's just that you're trying to make me

angry, and I'm not going to take the bait.

I don't do that.

What kind of a mother would try to make her son angry?

I'm not saying that you're doing this on purpose. I'm just saying that maybe

since you don't have a lot going on in your life right now, this is the only

you know to get attention.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Maybe I should try to work on that behavior.

All right, then.

What are you doing?

I'll walk.

I don't want to make you suffer another minute.

That's how much I love you.

See, Mom, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You're just doing this to

a rise out of me, but it's not going to work.

The light's green. I'm going to drive away.

I can't believe it. I did it.

I didn't give in.

I drove away.

Yes, indeedy.

Bill Miller just drove away from his mom.

I'm so far away, I can't even see her anymore.

I can't even see her anymore.

My God, I just drove away from my mom.

Ma.

Bill,

you went to the bank hours ago. Where you been?

You know how you said if I didn't take the bait, my mother wouldn't know what

do?

Well, she thought of something. She did?

Yep. She hopped out of the car and refused to get back in.

Wow, she's good.

What'd you do? I drove away. You drove away?

Yeah,

what's going on? I lost Nana.

What? No, he just left her at the side of the road and drove away.

You drove away?

What's going on? Dad lost Nana.

You lost Nana? I drove away.

But don't worry, I'm sure she'll be fine.

Oh, good, a recent picture.

In case we need to make flyers.

Hello. Oh, you're home.

Yes, I made it.

Your father threw me out of the car and drove away.

I'm okay.

I didn't throw you out of the car. Plus, I went right back to look for you, but

you were already gone.

Where'd you go, Louise?

Oh, well, I walked around looking for a bus stop, and then I noticed this little

shop had a sign in the window, help wanted.

Well, one thing led to another, and I have a job.

You got a job here in Chicago?

It was your idea, Billy.

You told me to do something else with my life instead of bothering you, and I

did.

Where'd you find a job?

It's a family business. They rent videos and sell some adult knickknacks. Okay,

kids, go upstairs.

Adult knickknacks? Yes.

It's on Lincoln Avenue. It's called Playpen Video. You got a job at Playpen

Video? Yes. You've heard of it? Yes.

I mean, no. I mean, well, I've heard of it.

You're working in an adult video store?

Well, actually, we rent videos of all ratings, which can be confusing. For

instance, there are two versions of Howard's End.

Okay, Mom.

And there are also two versions of The Firm. All right, all right, Mom. I get

it. Oh, well, I have got to go take a bath. It has been one long, exciting

and I've got to be at work early in the morning.

Apparently, a lot of tapes are dropped off between 8 and 9.

But you live two hours away.

How do you plan to... Bill, have a nice bath, Louise.

Okay, okay, my mother is moving to Chicago to sell adult knick -knacks. I

go talk her out of this. Bill, she's about to get in the tub. Maybe in a

Don't fall for it, don't you see? She made up this whole story to get at you.

She's probably never even been in that store.

Billy, could you get that silver bag for me? Eddie, my manager wants me to try

some of the oils we're thinking of selling in the store.

Here you go, Ma.

Oh, thank you.

Do you know some of these oils are edible?

I could use this on my salad.

Okay, guys, your turn.

T -A -R.

Tar. Tar, five points. Add it up. Wait a minute. That isn't even an R.

This is a P that you turned into an R.

All right, give me the marker.

Why didn't you just use the P?

Spell what?

Tap?

Oh.

I thought your mom was in town. I was looking forward to seeing her.

Yeah, yeah. So where is she?

She's out. Where?

I don't know. Listen, do I ask about your mother?

No, and her surgery went well, thank you.

What's going on? Nothing.

Bill's mom got a job and he's not too happy about it. So what's she doing?

She works in a cafeteria.

I think it's good for old people to work. If my mom didn't, I'd have to.

Mama, I thought you were working late tonight.

Oh, well, I must have read the schedule wrong.

Carl, Gerald, I heard your mother's surgery went well. Yes, and thank you.

Oh, and Linda, aren't you still just the cutest thing? You could be Judy's

younger sister.

I am Judy's younger sister.

Oh.

Well, it's just you.

Why don't you go relax on the couch or upstairs? Oh, me?

Oh, come on. Your mom just...

How was your day? Well, it was very busy. I never knew so many people

think I got a word here.

Uh, gravatboo.

Anybody want a challenge?

Come on, Bill, your mom's talking here.

So where is this place you work? I might have eaten there.

Oh, well, we don't really sell food.

I mean, we do have some things that are edible, but people usually eat those at

home.

Oh, so it's like a Wendy's or something? Yeah, yeah, it's just like a Wendy's.

Oh, no, it's not a Wendy's. It's called Playpen Video.

Okay, Gravatt Boo, I'm going to challenge my own word. Could you hand me

dictionary? You work at Playpen Video on Lincoln Avenue?

Oh, you've been there.

Me neither.

They put a cafeteria in at Playpen Video?

I guess they do read the suggestion box.

Now, if there's anything you need, you just let me know. For instance, we're

having a big sale on leather thongs. All right, all right, all right.

I know what's going on here.

You're just trying to bait me into yelling at you so you get to feel bad.

I'm not going to give you the satisfaction. I'm not going to yell at

I think we both know what's going on here. You're punishing me by working at

that store.

You don't know what you're talking about. I just got a job.

Oh, really?

Because I thought your job was to make me feel bad about myself because you

a career out of that.

I see.

Where are you going?

I will be staying at your Aunt Doris's until I find my own apartment.

Knock it off. We both know you're not moving to Chicago. You're just doing all

this for attention.

Well, if that's how you feel, you never have to give me attention again.

Okay, fine, Mom, leave.

That way you get to blame me for being a horrible son who doesn't want you

around. What's going on?

I'm leaving.

Goodbye, Judy.

Bye.

Hey, Judy, she really left. What am I supposed to do now? Oh, don't worry,

It's all part of her game. She's not really leaving.

She's walking down the steps. She's not going anywhere.

She put down the bag. See, I told you.

She's hailing a cab.

She's not going to get a cab.

She got a cab.

She's not going to go.

And she's gone.

Can you guys get back in here?

Linda's trying to cheat by using the word was.

You mean was?

Oh.

Oh.

No, this is the porno shop my mom works at.

And I probably shouldn't have said that out loud.

What are you looking at? I'm a real woman. Does that freak you out?

There she is.

Go talk to her. What are you going to do? I don't know. Look at some porn.

do you think?

Hey.

Can I help you, sir?

Mom, I'm not here to buy anything.

Well, then are you sure you want to talk to me? Because it is my job to make you

feel bad about yourself.

Okay, is there some place we can talk?

We can talk right here. This is just like any other store.

Girl on girl?

Firewall? Thanks.

Now, what is it? I feel bad about what happened the other day. And as mad as I

get, you're my mom and I love you. And I don't want to fight with you anymore.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome. Now, grab your things. Let's head back to the house. I'm not

going anywhere.

But you won. I apologize. I give up. Game over.

This isn't a game.

Come on. You know you only took this job because of what happened in the car.

You mean when you threw me out.

I didn't throw you out of the car. Oh, you know what? Forget it. Billy!

Wait.

All right.

I admit it.

I took the job to make you feel guilty.

That's not why I'm keeping it. I like it here.

You like working in a porno store?

I like working.

All my life, I took care of your father and the family, and when that was gone,

I had no purpose. But now I have some place to go, and I have my own money,

I feel good about myself.

Do we have shaving rinds privates?

Aisle three.

But what about the house in Joliet?

Well, maybe I'll sell it. It's too big for me anyway.

Maybe I'll find myself a bachelorette pad here in the city. You know I am a

divorcee.

So you're really going to keep working here?

Yes. I'm glad all this has happened.

The best thing you ever did for me was kicking me out of that car. I didn't

you. You're welcome.

So you're going to come by tonight for dinner?

Oh, don't get all clingy, Billy. I have a life.

She's gonna keep working here, and I think she's gonna be all right.

Well, do you feel better?

Yeah.

I think my mother and I might finally be on our way to a more adult

relationship. Rusty, I'd like to introduce you to my son, Bill.

Nice to meet you. Hey. Of course, I used to call him Mr. Tinkle Pants.

But not anymore, because he's a big boy now.

Copy of two cheeks notice.

Linda?

Berkner. What are you doing here?

Getting directions.

Tell you what.

I didn't see you here. You didn't see me here. Fine.

Hey, there's no cafeteria in this place.

Because you make -