Original subtitles

All right, Bill.

Everything looks okay.

You been flossing?

Absolutely, every day.

Don't lie to me, Bill.

Okay, never.

I, uh, suck my teeth after every meal. Well, that's, uh... Dr. Kerber, your

wife's on the phone. Oh, okay.

Be back in a minute to take some pictures of your teeth.

Uh, you already took x -rays.

I know. These are Polaroids that we use to scare the other patients into

flossing.

Hey, I'm a tooth model.

Guess what?

I heard there's a position opening up in the Michigan Avenue office and Dr.

Gerber's deciding between me and Colleen. Oh, Colleen, the cute blonde

dimples who only makes me love you more each day?

I really hope I get this promotion and be closer to home and more money.

Okay, as a businessman, I'm going to give you some important career advice.

Put your nose to the grindstone.

And by grindstone, I mean his butt.

Holly, the brown noser. I'd like to think I could get this promotion on my

work and merit.

Hard work and merit.

Been in America long?

All right, all right. We both know you deserve this promotion, but the world

isn't always fair.

You've got to have some kind of edge.

I know. Find something in common with him. Like what?

Well, how about ballet? I mean, look at all these ballet posters.

Okay, first of all, that's opera.

Second of all, that's all I know about that.

All right, Judy, you don't have to know about something to talk about it. Just

last week, I was talking to someone about World War II. I forget who it was,

I threw around a few key words. They thought I was a genius.

Yeah, that was Lauren, and she got a D on that paper.

All right, Bill, you're free to go.

I'll see you in six months or 6 ,000 milk duds, whichever comes first. Smart

money's on the duds.

Operas. Bill, what a wonderful opera.

Judy, you remember the first time we saw that?

Yeah, bye, Bill. I don't want to be late for work.

I didn't know you guys were opera fans.

Oh, well, Judy's really the fan. She got me into it. Although I do really enjoy

the libretto.

Really? No kidding. What's your favorite?

Why don't you take a guess?

All right.

La Traviata.

Man, you're good.

Well, I should be going. You two probably have a lot to talk about.

We do now. Thank you, honey. Don't mention it.

Figaro, Figaro, Figaro.

That's going to be going around in my head all day.

One. Yeah!

Let's win!

Victory, Chuck!

Hey.

Judy's home, Chuck.

Hey, honey, how'd work go after I left? Oh, great. Thanks for convincing my boss

I was an opera expert. Next time, why don't you just tell him I'm fluent in

Russian? I can help you with that.

It means nobody told me you had three children.

Tickets to the opera Friday night.

I don't want to go to the opera. Give them back.

Oh, that's a great idea, Bill. I'll send a card. Opera sucks.

I'm a big, fat liar.

P .S., can I have that promotion?

Love, Judy and Senior Libretto.

Technically, P .S. comes after... That's not important.

Damn, people pay a lot of money to see an opera.

Wow, these cost more than hockey tickets.

Hey, I got an idea.

Carl, isn't your brother a ticket broker? Yeah, he's the successful one.

rubbing it in, Dad.

Judy, here's what we do. We trade in these opera tickets and get Carl's

to get us some Blackhawks tickets right on the glass.

Oh, man, I never sat on the glass before. That'd be so great.

No, what am I talking about? We can't trade in his tickets.

Well, is Dr.

Gerber going to be at the opera?

No, he's got some charity dinner. So he'll never know. We have a great time

the hockey game. You say we went to the opera. It's a win -win situation.

Oh, I don't know, Bill.

Judy.

Now stop that, Bill. That's not fair.

I'm serious.

Okay, fine.

Judy, would you hold this mold in place for me, please? Okay.

Got it.

Judy, can I ask you a question?

You know my Michigan Avenue office?

I'll take it.

Take what?

Your question.

I leave my schedule at the Michigan Avenue office, and I got my dates

It turns out that the charity benefit isn't until next weekend.

Right. My wife really gave me the business about giving away the opera

so I was wondering, could I maybe have them back?

You're upset.

I can tell. No, no, no, I'm not upset. It's just that when Bill saw the

he was so happy and... He's been very sad lately.

He's a sad man.

Doesn't seem sad.

It bottled up, but I'm very sensitive to other people's pain.

Judy, Judy, do you want to lighten up on the pressure, please? Oh, sorry.

Yeah, okay, you know what?

Forget about what I said. You and Bill, you go to the opera, okay?

Have a great time. Just grab my wife a program on the way out, all right?

A program?

Yeah. Beverly collects them.

They're the only thing she collects that's free, and I like to encourage

I could get you one of those easy, because they give them out there at the

opera.

And Monday morning, you and I, we're going to have coffee.

You're going to give me every detail, all right?

Okay, yeah. So why don't you take the mold out and clean them up?

at the timer.

Hey, Dad,

if you and Mom go to the hockey game Friday night, can I still have my

creepover? Sure, but only if you promise to invite over some horned dog teenage

boys. And make sure they bring beer and cigarettes.

Can you ever say no?

Can I have a horned dog?

in the fridge.

Sorry, I got here first, but the oven's free.

Dad, I can't cancel my sleepover now.

I've already invited everybody.

Oh, sleepovers. I love sleepovers.

Technically, they're not sleepovers if your guests aren't there when you wake

up.

Hey, Aunt Linda, could you chaperone my sleepover tomorrow night? Oh, are you

kidding? Yeah, that'd be so much fun.

Or we can style each other's hair, do manicures, facials with anti -wrinkle

cream. You're 13.

13 turns to 36 pretty quickly, honey.

Judy, I'd like to introduce you to our two new friends, Front and Row.

Hello, Judy. We're gonna get ripped.

Phil, we can't go to the hockey game tomorrow night. We have to call Carl and

get our opera tickets back.

What? My boss wants a program and a total recap of the opera. We have to go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's got to be a way out of this.

I got it.

We get cheap opera tickets for tonight.

That way you get the program, get to learn all about the opera, and we still

to go to the hockey game tomorrow.

Man, that nap at work paid off.

I don't know, Phil. That's crazy and irresponsible.

I'm out.

All right, I'm back in!

Herbert and I are having coffee Monday morning, and I gotta have details.

Fine.

Whoever said it's not over till the fat lady sings has never been to the opera.

for a good hour and a half. You've never seen so much plaque.

Not even on that plaque?

Dr.

Gerber, the tools are all sterilized. Plus, I sent out the dental reminders

the next two months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, great, great. Did you hear

Khalid's joke?

No, I missed it. Must have been too busy working.

Doctor, if your Michigan Avenue office called and asked if someone could stop

later and help them with bookkeeping, I'd be happy to.

So would I.

No, it sounds like Colleen has a couple. Thanks anyway, Judy.

You know, we're very excited about going to the opera tonight.

Giovanni Giacosa is playing the role of Alfredo.

Really? Yeah, and they say the mezzo -soprano is extraordinary, particularly

vibrato. No kidding. Who is it?

Her name is...

Very hard to pronounce.

Angelina Signorelli DeCentrella? Yeah, that's it!

Must take her a while to sign a check, huh?

Judy, it's really great having somebody in the office with whom I can share my

passion for the opera. Yeah, we do have that in common. You want to talk opera,

you come see me.

You know, it's really killing me that I'm going to have to miss tonight's

performance. Oh, yeah, what a shame.

Wait.

Maybe I don't have to miss it.

You know what?

We're screwed.

Old news. Let's go to the game.

Bob, we're not going to the game.

What? I don't know what happened.

All of a sudden, Colleen was showing me up, so I started kissing his butt like

you told me. I was throwing around words.

Mezzo, soprano, vibrato.

I even think I said burrito.

He didn't even notice. He loved me.

Then, bam, he's going to the opera again tonight.

Well, it's a big theater. He'll never notice we're not there.

Oh, he'll notice. He managed to get seats right next to the ones he gave us.

have to get our tickets back and go to the opera again.

Unless...

I'll

go put on my suit.

Bill, where's Carl with those opera tickets? He said he'd be here. He'll be

here. Is someone cooking candy?

No, I think I just ironed over a couple of Skittles.

Ah, I just made a new flavor. Lemon, lime, cherry lint.

Dad, why does Lauren have to have her sleepover tonight?

Why? What's the problem?

There's a bunch of 13 -year -old girls upstairs running around in their pajamas

and hitting each other with pillows.

Merry Christmas, son.

Dad, I'm trying to study, and they keep running into my room and tickling me.

And a happy new year.

How would you like it if I invited all the mom's friends over to run into your

room and tickle you?

Not gonna happen.

Oh, God, that better be Carl.

Okay, people.

I tried to get back your original opera seats, but they were already gone.

So I got you even better seats. Fifth row center.

Who loves Carl?

That doesn't help us at all. We need the same seats back.

I love Carl.

It's over, Judy. I'm out of ideas. There's absolutely no solution to this

problem.

I know. We got great seats.

What if we go to the opera and ask the people in our old seats if they'll trade

with us?

I don't know.

Will you do it if we pretend it's your idea?

Okay.

But act surprised when I come up with it in the car.

Hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing watching TV?

I have a lot more super fun stuff planned.

And, Linda, you've already made us watch you try on all of your new outfits.

We were playing fashion show.

Now, who's ready for a game of remember me?

Oh, okay. You go away, and we'll see if we can remember you.

Did you just bath me?

Someone's on popcorn duty.

Now, Remember Me is a game where we call boys and have a little

bit of fun with them. Ooh, call boys.

All right, ladies, okay.

I'll go first.

Hi, Jason, it's Linda.

Remember me?

Yeah, that's right. You ditched me at that French restaurant.

made me pick up the check.

It's a jerk.

My new boyfriend is a biker with a black belt in karate, and, um, he's gonna

kick you in the throat.

You ever been kicked in the throat? It doesn't feel too good. Kind of like how

you ripped out my heart. That didn't feel too good either, loser.

Apparently my boobs weren't big enough for him.

There is H1 and 2. Gerber's not here yet.

Just need these people to show up. We trade and we're home free.

You mean we're home free after four and a half hours of ass -numbing boredom.

Shoot, here he is.

Hi, we're just sitting here enjoying our seats. Good seat.

Judy, Bill, you remember my wife Beverly? Nice to see you. It's been a

haven't seen you two since the Easter party at our house.

That's right, and can I just say again how sorry I am about your trellis, but

your kid bet me I couldn't climb it.

He was right.

Oh, honey, Beverly, this is the Irving.

Oh, don't just wave. It's the Irvings. You should go ask her about her surgery.

We should.

Pardon me, sir.

How did you, uh... They're old. I took a shot.

All right, so far, so good. The people haven't even shown up. Excuse me.

You're in our seats.

Say, how'd you like even better seats? Fifth row, center.

No, thank you.

Come on, they're great seats.

And after she's had the baby, you're not going to get out that often. You might

as well live it up now.

She's not pregnant.

Well, whose fault is that?

Get down to the good seats. Stop romancing her.

She's my sister.

We're in a real jam. Would you just mind trading seats with us?

Would we be doing you a favor? A big one. Then no.

Excuse me.

We'll trade seats with you.

Done.

Bill, what are you doing? Now,

you two, how do you feel about moving up a row? You'd be closer to the stage,

plus you won't have to sit behind this guy's melon.

Sure.

Bill.

We have four seats in the row behind where our seats are. It's a dark

Your boss will never know.

You know, I think I'm smarter when I'm wearing this suit.

Over here. How are the Irvings?

Heavily medicated.

I don't think they knew who we were.

This is going to be so much fun. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to this.

Oh, no, no, no. This is definitely not our seats. We're one row up.

Excuse me, I believe you're in our seats.

Yeah, I know.

They made us move.

Why would we make them move?

They tried to get us to move first.

It's true. We saw the whole thing.

Somebody tell me what's going on here.

All right.

Last night we were attacked.

The mugger made up with our opera tickets.

He was about this tall, bald, beard, wearing a blue suit.

Dear Lord, that's him.

You're absolutely right, officer.

There will be no more threatening phone calls tonight.

You know girls at this age.

Boy crazy.

We watch a movie now.

Yeah. Aunt Linda just has one more phone call to make.

Now, Jason, thanks a lot for calling the cops, you big woman.

No, no, don't deny it. I know it was you.

Hey, should we tell them we're the ones that called the cops?

Let's just see where this goes.

No, you're lying.

Pretended you liked the opera, sold my tickets, and embarrassed me in front of

the entire section. Wait a second.

Yep, that's it. That's everything.

I'll admit we made a few mistakes, but it's just because I wanted to work in

Michigan Avenue office. I'm so sorry that I lied to you. I appreciate your

honesty, Judy.

You do work hard.

I can assure you this won't affect your chances for promotion.

Really? No, I just lied. How's it feel?

Hey, my wife only made one mistake, and that was listening to me.

It's okay, Bill. Colleen probably deserves that promotion.

I mean, she's there all the time. She's there when I get there in the morning,

when I leave.

Okay, Judy. No, no. I mean, she's there almost every weekend. I mean, she even

agreed to go to that dental convention with you in Toledo. Yeah, okay, Judy.

No, I give Colleen credit.

I mean, why would a beautiful single woman want to spend her weekend with her

boss in Toledo?

Nathan, why are you still talking to these people? We've got to get back to

seats.

I'll be with you in a minute, sweetie.

All right, you happy?

You got me.

You keep quiet, the promotion's yours.

I don't want to get a promotion this way. Yes, she does. She also wants an

week's vacation.

Fine.

But don't think this means you can push me around, because nobody pushes me

around. Nathan!

Come here, sweetheart.

Judy, I'm proud of you.

Proud of me? The only reason I got the promotion is because of blackmail.

No, you worked hard for it. You're a capable, confident, reliable employee.

If there's one thing our kids should learn from your example, it's... Hey,

Bill, if we hurry, we can catch the end of the hockey game on TV.

Good, because I didn't know where I was going with that.

Oh, my God, I can't believe the girls would do something like this.

Don't they know if they put the shaving cream in her hand, they got a tickle

under her nose?

Amateurs.

Wouldn't have it any other way.