Original subtitles

Judy, look.

If somebody left this right in front of the back door, I could have killed

myself. Oh, that's for you.

It's an anniversary present.

What?

Wait a minute.

Bill and Judy said I do on April 22.

It's not our anniversary.

How could you forget that special night, huh? It was one year ago today. I asked

you to paint the garage.

You two have fun tonight.

Be gentle. It's its first time.

I'm still in love with you today.

Cause you make me happy.

What's up, Radford Elementary?

Who's ready to blow the roof off this recital?

Hey, think about it, folks. It's a bunch of five -year -olds singing. I'm as

good as it's gonna get.

Sorry I'm late. Some idiot in a minivan cut me off. That was me. I was stuck

behind you. You drive like a woman.

Did you remember to bring the cheese and crackers?

Yes, I did.

What the hell is that?

Cheese and crackers.

When I said cheese, I didn't mean cheese with a Z.

It says here kids love them. Hey, the kids have a Z, too.

You know what, Bill? You could have put a little more effort into it. This is

our daughter's recital. I was running a little late.

I was the one who reminded you the recital was tonight.

Oh, congratulations, Bill. You remembered something.

You're one for like a billion.

Look at this. Someone spent a whole day whittling a freaking watermelon, for

God's sake.

I did that.

I'm kind of known for my edible basket.

That sounds dirty.

The real credit should go to my melon baller.

Mary Sims, I coordinated the recital. Bill and Judy Miller, we coordinated

showing up.

Hi, we talked on the phone.

Oh, you were in charge of the cheese and crackers.

Aren't these things great?

They're individually wrapped, plus they don't expire until, uh... Wow, never.

You know what? We have plenty of food. We don't have to put these out.

Well, Bill and I just had a little miscommunication. We're both working,

kids. You know, technically, these are cheese and crackers. It's not like

they're going to kill anybody.

But if you do feel sick, there's a toll -free number to call.

Bill, arrange them like a seashell.

Believe me, I understand busy. I have four kids and my own business.

Throwing yoga and spinning.

Some days I don't know which end is up.

Maybe your husband could help you with that.

Anyway.

It's all worth it. It shows my kids how much I care.

Well, we care about our kids, too. A lot.

Yeah, we even quit yoga to spend more time with them.

Here are your programs. You might want to pick your seat.

You're welcome.

For what?

I didn't giggle when she said, pick your seats.

She said, pick your seats.

Did you catch that attitude of hers? Like, we're the parents that don't care.

Holy crap. Did you see this program?

I can't believe I've got to sit through a hundred other untalented kids just to

get to ours.

Oh, no, I'm sure yours is headed for Hollywood.

Bill, it's Tina's big night. Stop whining.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me. It's printed on both sides?

Six white horses, she'll be riding. Six white horses, she'll be riding. Six

white horses, she'll be riding.

What?

That's our little girl!

Hey, how's our little star?

She's good. She's tired. She just wants to get right to bed.

She was great.

Mommy and Daddy fell asleep.

I told you she was great.

Your daughter was singing her little heart out and you guys fell asleep?

No, we fell asleep way before she went on.

Don't blame us. I was full of cheese and there was a kid singing Rock -A -Bye

Baby.

I was asleep before the bow broke.

Honey, Mommy and Daddy are so sorry. We didn't mean to fall asleep.

But we dreamt about you.

Why don't you go to bed? You have school in the morning. I don't want to go. I

don't feel good.

Well, you're not warm. Go on up, and we'll be up soon to tuck you in.

You two go do your homework.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you say something, Dad? I must have nodded off for a

Well, you must be very proud.

Don't start.

No, she's right, Bill. We blew it. Look, that nap left us fresh and alert for

the drive home. Safety first. That's what the child learned tonight.

We never did this with Brian and Lorne. I think we're slacking off with Tina. We

are not.

Bill, when Tina lost her first tooth, you put a poker chip under her pillow.

When she's old enough to go to the riverboat and cash out, she'll thank me.

I'm not going to let Tina get the short end of the stick here just because she's

the youngest.

Yeah, I know all about that. Oh, not this again.

Excuse me. Mom and Dad documented every second of your life.

Judy's first word, Judy's first death. Oh, look, Judy's first poop.

The only record of my childhood is two blurry pictures and some hair that I'm

pretty sure is from the dog.

I've seen the pictures. They might be from the dog, too.

Bill, that's not funny.

Ah, you let him laugh. Your poor little daughter is pretending to be sick so she

doesn't have to go to school tomorrow because you embarrassed her.

Oh, my God, I didn't think about that. You know what, Bill? She might be right.

I felt the same way in my third -grade dance recital. Nobody was there to

Me and I tapped my ass off.

What are you complaining about? It grew back.

Well, stop it.

She's got a point.

You know, we need to get more involved in Tina's life, like that crazy fruit

-carving lady is with her kids. You know what we're going to do tomorrow?

Ask her to start taking care of Tina?

No, we're going to go down to the school and volunteer.

Or ignore the problem and hope it goes away.

Bill, from now on, we are going to give Tina 110%.

You're right. She's our daughter. We could try a little harder.

Is something going to tuck me in?

Daddy? She said daddy!

Look at all the stuff they have in kindergarten now. Brian and Lauren

have nearly this much. Halloween festival, computer lab, nature walk.

I remember from kindergarten is graham crackers, naps, and trying to see some

girl's underwear.

Come a long way, Bill.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Miller.

You look rested.

Hey, fruit lady, how's the bowling going?

Good morning, Mary. We want to apologize about what happened last night. Believe

me, we are very embarrassed.

And yet you came back.

Yes, we're volunteering, getting more involved in Tina's school.

Oh, good for you. That's really...

Good for you.

Yeah, like Bill's going to sign up for Morning Greeter.

I am? Yes, you are.

All right.

And you're signing your real name, not Pat McGroin.

Some people look at volunteering as a chore, and some of us see it as an

opportunity to make a difference in our kids' lives.

Really?

Well, I am making a difference, too.

I'm sure you are.

I bet your sweet basket I am.

Well, I guess I'll be seeing you around then.

Can you believe her?

Yeah, what an idiot.

Why would anyone sign these in pen?

Children.

his mother, Mrs. Miller.

She'll be leading Animal Corner this morning because, as we learned from the

the paramedics came, I'm allergic to rabbits.

Okay, kids, let's get started.

How many of you have pets at home?

How many of you have more than one pet?

Okay. How many of you are on your second or third daddy?

Interesting.

Hi, you must be Ben.

I'm Bill Miller. I'm the new volunteer.

You're a big guy.

So how's this morning greeter thing work? We open the door, get the kid out,

send him on their way, right?

We're greeters, not a pit crew.

It's just I can't be late for work this morning. The kid that usually punches me

in got fired for punching me in.

Well, just remember a little courtesy goes a long way.

So why don't you watch one, Rookie?

Good morning, ladies.

Good morning, Mrs. Burns.

Hey, I hear you went to Florida.

My wife had a cousin down there. Okay, so how many of your mommies have gotten

new noses?

I knew it.

Oops. We gotta get started. Mrs. Miller has to get to her very exciting job

where she helps the dentist.

This is on me.

And there's sheep scapes, too. You know what I got for a Christmas bonus last

year? Who knows what number this is?

Can we get healthy animals?

Oh, yeah. Uh, which one? of our little friend should I get out?

The snake.

Yeah, that'll happen. Anyone else?

The parakeet. The hamster. The parakeet. The hamster. Well, you know what? I'm a

little pressed for time. Why don't I take them both out?

Yeah! The whole area here all used to be apple orchards. As far as the eye could

see. Over there.

That. That.

You know what I could use to vet? A safety vest.

Oh.

I'll do it just like you told me.

All right, people, we're going to do things a little differently.

I want you unbuckled by the time you get here and you can kiss your kids in your

own time.

How you doing? See you later. Move, move, move.

Come on, come on.

Come on, honey. Santa doesn't like slowpokes. Come on, you're killing me

Hey, how you doing?

All right, away, away.

Tom has a funny face.

hamster.

and insurance adjusters and veterinarians had to be brought in.

So, thanks to us, it was kind of like a career day for the kids.

Bill, we keep messing up at Tina's school. She came home, she went straight

bed. She's humiliated. She's probably up there trying to shove her head in her

Easy -Bake oven.

It's going to be fine. We'll make it all up to her tomorrow at the Halloween

festival. Do you know what you're doing with that hot glue gun?

Yeah, making cat masks.

Oh, Judy, I'm a little... Ah, hot glue, hot, hot glue.

That's what I thought.

Mary. Hi. I just wanted to see how everything was going.

Great, just great. Come on in.

How you doing?

Listen, I hate like heck to do this, but due to recent events, the festival

committee decided that they would feel more...

comfortable if I took over the decorations from you.

What?

I'm going to need your supply. Wait a minute.

You're asking us to quit?

Well, let me tell you something, lady. The Millers are not quitters.

Oh, well, then I guess you're fired.

Okay, that we know how to deal with.

You're firing us from volunteering? You can't fire volunteers.

I know. You wouldn't think so, and yet here we are.

It's not like we can stop you from coming.

We checked.

Oh, my God, we've been fired from volunteering. This is worse than the

Salvation Army wouldn't take our couch.

Well, if you want me to break into her house tonight and get our stuff back, I

don't have any fingerprints left.

Well, maybe it would be less humiliating for Tina if we just stayed home.

Judy, if we stopped doing things because of public humiliation, we couldn't go

back to the grocery store.

We can hold our heads up high because we tried our best.

We're going to that festival tomorrow and nobody can stop us.

You know what? You're right, Bill. What do we have to be ashamed of? Oh, we have

plenty to be ashamed of.

But we're going anyway.

Oh, my God. Look at Mary. She's dressed like a scarecrow.

She probably got a discount on that costume since she already has the stick

her butt.

Well, hello. Welcome to the After School Harvest Festival.

I thought this was a Halloween party.

Well, Halloween's scary for little children. We thought a harvest festival

be more educational.

Oh, what are these?

They're organic oatmeal cookies.

Did somebody make them, or did they fall out of the back of a horse?

Well, healthy snacks are an acquired taste.

Now, why don't you enjoy some fresh cider? Our children pressed it with our

cider press this morning.

I'd like to cider press your head.

You want to have the pumpkin seeds and a cup of soil?

Okay, we're going to dig a small hole, drop the seed in, and later today you

take it home and wait for it to grow.

Won't that be fun?

Ah, yeah. If there's anything kids love more than squash, it's waiting ten

months for squash.

Poor kid.

She heard we were kicked off the committee. She tried to fake six so she

have to come. She's miserable.

Do you blame her? This party's pathetic.

If we hold hands and wish real hard, do you think Mary would go back to the

cornfield?

Okay,

I've heard enough. Asparagus is no friend of mine. I'll be right back.

Where are you going?

I've got to do something about this.

You're planning to disrupt this festival with some...

Stupid prank. All I have to say is why are you still standing here?

as me, but there wouldn't even be a party if it weren't for me.

I worked very hard on this, and then you people just waltz in here and make a

mockery of my festival.

No, stop hitting me. I'm not a piñata.

Your festival? Oh, I get what this is about. You don't do this for the kids.

Mommy. Just a minute, sweetie. You do this for yourself, because that's all

think about.

How dare you.

Mommy. Honey, Mommy's talking.

Yeah, you do it so that people can say, oh, good job, Mary. Thank you. Goodness

for Mary, what would we do without Mary? What's important to us is being here

for our beautiful daughter.

Mommy, I don't feel good.

Oh, sweetie, you have a fever. You're sick.

Yes, I'm stressed. I know. I told you.

Oh, you poor thing. Bill, Tina has a fever.

Well, you know what this means?

Our daughter isn't embarrassed by us. We're not bad parents. She was just sick

and we didn't notice. Ha!

We should probably go.

How's Tina?

I think she's feeling better. She liked the soup you made her. She's very happy

you put the TV in her room.

Does she want me to do anything else?

Yeah, oddly enough. She wanted you to rub my back and make me a scotch and

I can't believe she was sick all that time and we didn't even notice.

We really messed up.

That's only because we were trying to be something we're not.

Good parent?

No, super parents.

You know, some species of animal don't even need parents. The offspring are

prepared for life the second they leave the womb.

What's your point?

I don't know, but wouldn't that be great?

Okay, so we shouldn't try to keep up with a woman like Mary Sims, but we

try to get more involved in teenage school like we did with Brian and

Exactly how were you involved with our school?

A lot of ways.

How about that time I helped with your science project?

The effects of beer on a middle -aged man?

Well, Lauren, remember that time I chaperoned your class trip to the Sears

Tower?

Chaperone? You forgot to wake me up. I missed the bus, so you had to drive me

downtown.

Pointed out sights along the way.

You told me to quit staring at the hookers or I'd get VD.

Let me tell you something.

Your mother and I may have made a lot of mistakes with you kids.

Now that's it.

But isn't it the American dream for kids to do better than their parents?

Look at us.

You got no place to go but up.

I need more soup.

Daddy?

Is your mommy there?

It's amazing we're still alive.

Honey, you coming to bed?

I was just making some more Halloween decorations for the front porch.

You using the glue gun?

Yep.

hand glued to the back of your neck? Oh, yeah.

I

wouldn't

have it any other way because you make me...