Original subtitles

Daddy, that's your question.

Daddy's busy with a very important project here, honey. If he doesn't

on time, his boss gets very angry.

Daddy, where do babies come from?

Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, and there's

nothing good on TV...

They drink a magical potion that's brewed in the city of Milwaukee.

And nine months later, you're born.

So babies come from Milwaukee?

Yes, they do.

Thanks, Daddy.

There's a real father -daughter moment to remember.

I was trying to make a sandwich.

Sandwich could have waited.

Well, that's where you're wrong, Judy. This ham expires today.

What happens when Tina finds out everything you told her is a lie? Oh,

then she'll resent me for so many other things.

Hey, Brian.

Hi. How was school?

Horrible. Well, that's why they call it school.

Bill, Brian, come back here.

What's wrong?

Gym class.

I suck at basketball and the guys pick on me.

Well, maybe you could tell the gym teacher to talk to those boys.

Yeah, and while you're hanging from the flagpole by your jockstrap, look around,

see if you can find a new school.

Bill, our son needs some advice. High school's tough.

No, it's not. It was a blast.

That was us. We were cool. Look at him. He needs help.

I'm right here, Mom.

I know. I'm just trying to toughen you up, sweetie.

Listen, Brian, if you want him to stop picking on you, you have to take matters

into your own hands.

I'll learn how to fight?

No, son, fake an injury.

Wearing a knee brace, people cut your slack.

Isn't that dishonest?

Okay, you want honest, you're pale, and you're good at math.

Otherwise known as a target.

So where am I supposed to get a knee brace?

In my closet.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, hey, hey, don't run.

Limp.

You see what I just did? I just solved my son's problem.

Looks like when it comes to this parenting thing, I rule.

Oh, yeah, you rule.

What if I told them big, giant lies every time they came to me for advice?

Honey, that's mine. Get your own thing.

I'm still in love with you today because you make me happy.

Don't forget to pick up the cake for your daughter's birthday party this

weekend.

Lauren.

Thirteen.

I know it's Lauren and she's 13.

She's the taller one, right?

I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it.

Hello?

Dad, get off the phone, get off the phone. Why, yes, I think we do need our

sealed. We don't even have a deck.

I've just been informed that we don't have a deck. Perhaps you could seal my

daughter's mouth shut.

Mom.

My daughter wants to use the phone. Do you have kids?

Ah, they're so cute at that age.

Word of advice, don't teach them to talk.

I'm going to find some guy on the Internet to send me a bus ticket.

Well, Mr. Florida, get me one, too.

What's with that one?

Oh, it's her birthday party. She wants to invite Alex Borden, and she's waiting

for him to call.

Why can't she just call him?

You don't just call a boy. She has to tell Tiffany to call Lisa to call Brad

tell Alex to call Lauren about some homework.

Oh, my God. Tiffany is totally talking to Brad again?

Just stay off the phone.

Why should I? It's my house. I'm the boss.

Okay, it's the bank's house, and you're the boss, but she still can't tell us

what to do. Where are you going? To talk to her. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Bill, you don't get it. Our daughter's about to become a teenager. This is

I take over.

You're done.

She won't need you again until it's time to pay for the wedding.

So now that she's a teenager, I have no role to play in my daughter's life.

Listen, I've spent a lot of time planning this party, and I want her to

nice 13th birthday, so just pretend she's like the exercise bike in the

and leave her alone.

Trade you the phone for the remote.

Mind if I watch the game?

Watch whatever you want. Okay.

So, almost 13, huh?

Quite an age.

If I remember correctly, B .O. was a big problem.

That still going on with the boys?

Listen,

I'm sorry about the phone thing earlier.

It's okay.

So this Alex hasn't made any moves, has he?

Not like that.

But he likes you, right?

I don't know. My friends say he does.

He's always doing weird stuff, like kicking my chair, tying my shoelaces

together. Oh, he likes you.

That's the kind of stuff you do when you like someone.

I used to snap your mother's bra.

I still do that.

I still like her.

Honey, you're smart, you're beautiful. The boys are going to go crazy over you.

Really? Of course.

I just wish Alex would call.

I know you do, sweetie, and he'd be stupid not to.

Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome, Pumpkin.

But then boys are stupid, so he might never call you.

I'm just saying boys are just fickle at that age. He might be kicking a lot of

girls' chairs, but that doesn't mean you're not special to me.

So you're saying he likes lots of other girls that he's never going to call?

What did you do?

No, I just... Dad, I'm a total loser.

I did not.

Just out of curiosity, Bill, when we were in the kitchen and I told you to

out of it, was there like a circus song playing in your head?

I was doing great. She said thank you.

Then I just said one more thing and it all went to hell.

Mom, can you come up here?

Sure, honey.

You know why she wants to talk to me, don't you? Because I rule.

Fine. You take care of her. I'll take care of the other kids.

Daddy, where's the scissors?

Top drawer, sweetie. Next to the knives.

Oh, let me help you with that, honey.

Hello? Anybody?

I'm home.

Hey, Bill.

Hello? Anybody good? I'm home.

Oh, hi, honey. Guess who Lauren's in there on the phone with.

Oh, let me take a stab at it. Does it begin with an A and end with a Lex?

Yeah, Alex. He finally called her. Really?

Wonder how that could have happened. I don't know. Tiffany probably told Lisa

tell Alex.

Yep. Maybe.

Or... What did you do?

I'm having lunch at the food court today.

I went with a sub. The pizza looked a little dry and I had Chinese yesterday.

Bill, Bill, Bill!

Who do I see standing over by the burger place but our little friend Alex

Borden? Please tell me you did not talk to him. So I'm talking to him. Oh, no.

And I tell him that Lauren really likes him and he should call her. He's a

little hesitant until they bring his order and he's a dollar short.

I make up the difference, and... You told a boy that our daughter liked him,

then you paid him to call her?

Ta -da!

You know, for your next trick, you might want to try pulling your head out of

your ass.

What?

You're not afraid your daughter will find out you paid a boy to call her? I

didn't pay him. I fed him.

Come on, Bill.

Linda's right. If Lauren finds out about this, she's going to go crazy.

How's she going to find out?

Well,

I don't know. Maybe the kid would tell her.

That could have been a scream of happiness.

Oh, I hear you got a phone call.

You made him call me?

Who's my little girl? Who's my little girl?

I can't believe you. Honey, your father just made a stupid mistake because he's,

well, stupid, but...

will remember it by the time of your party. I don't want a party. I can't

face my friend again.

Well, Bill, I hope you're happy. I told you to stay out of it. For once in your

life, you couldn't listen to me.

Sometimes you make me so angry.

Who's my big girl?

Lauren home yet?

No, she went to the mall.

Oh, because I have a surprise for her.

That's a good idea. Get right back on that horse and ride it off a cliff.

Oh, hey, sweetie. How's the mall?

Fine.

Lauren, I know you're mad at me, but to make it up to you, I have a surprise.

Tonight, we're gonna pierce your ears.

Come on, give me that lobe.

Yours are already pierced. They are?

Huh? They are?

Hey, who said you could get your ears pierced?

We both did when she was 11, and we did it in the doctor's office, not with a

needle and potato, Jethro.

In that case, who wants birthday fries?

I'm not having a birthday party.

Or you could have your party at a Blink -182 concert.

We're going to have to talk about this screaming thing.

I think 182. I can't believe it. I have to call everybody.

I've already invited all your friends, including Alex.

You didn't talk to him, did you? Oh, good going, Judy.

Of course not. I told Tiffany to tell Stephanie to tell Brittany to tell Alex.

Oh, Mom, you rule.

Now, there are eight tickets there, two are for your father and me.

Oh, you guys are going?

Well, yeah. You're too young to go to a concert by yourself.

Okay, then I have some rules.

I pick out the clothes you wear, I pick out the music you play in the van, and

you don't talk to us during the concert.

Or, we wear what we want, we play what we want, we do whatever we want, and you

still get to go to the concert.

Okay.

Who does she think she is, making up rules for us?

Yeah.

Okay, here are the real rules.

I tell you what to wear, you don't sing along to the radio in the van, and you

don't talk to anyone.

Why do I have rules?

Bill, you told a boy that our daughter liked him. You could never do that

Fine. But, you know, you could have told me I had concert tickets instead of

leaving me standing there with my potato in my hand.

Like I could take a potato out of your hand.

Concentration. Now in session.

Chinking up.

Names up.

Pull me.

Right now.

Lift my wrist, please.

I gotta tell you, Judy, it's this or driving to a wall.

I'll tell you what. Pull over there. We'll stop and get some snacks. You can

take a breather.

Thank you.

Kids, we're gonna get some snacks.

Doing a real good job not talking to the kids. Thanks.

You want anything from the store? Oh, I'm fine.

And don't even think of doing that, pulling the car away just as you're

to get back in.

Come on, Judy, give me some credit here.

I haven't done that since you were in labor with Tina.

Concentration.

Names of... Kids Who Bug Me.

Tiffany.

Lisa.

The Kid in the Hat.

Mr. Miller?

Oh, Alex.

By the way, thanks for buying me that food the other day.

Milk good?

So, I wanted to ask you something about Lauren.

You did say she likes me, right?

No.

But I thought you said she likes me.

Mr.

Miller, are you all right?

Because I can call 911.

She doesn't like you, okay? But you didn't hear that from me. You didn't

anything from me. Now just leave me alone.

How's it going?

Fine. Just fine. Can we go now?

Are you all right?

Yep. You're sweating.

No, I'm not.

It's my little girl's birthday. I was crying.

Under your neck?

Tears roll.

And these are bad seats.

Stop complaining. Besides, you can watch the whole concert on the Jumbotron.

Wow, an 80 -foot tall television.

I think we could... No, Bill.

I wonder why Alex isn't sitting next to Lorne. Who knows? He's sitting next to

Tiffany. He's not even paying attention to Lorne. I wonder if something

happened. Judy, kids have minds of their own.

The important thing is nobody said anything to anybody and we're all

the concert.

What did you do?

Nothing. Did you say something to Alex?

No. Oh, now I know you're lying because when you lie, you stretch your words

out. I do not.

Dad, did you tell Alex I didn't like him?

No.

Bill!

Dad, why would you tell him that?

I didn't know what to say. I was stuck in the van with him. He wouldn't let up.

So you told him Lauren didn't like him?

First, I'm not supposed to say she likes him. Now you're mad at me because I

said she doesn't like him.

Give me some credit here.

At least I didn't blab about how she goes crazy waiting for him to call.

How she dances with a pillow and pretends it's him. How she writes Alex

piece of paper over and over again.

Lauren loves Alex.

Lauren loves Alex.

Lauren loves Alex.

Wasn't it a lot louder in here a couple of seconds ago?

Turn around.

You two kidding to happen.

From now on, I'm going to make a note of what color coat you're wearing.

I just chased a girl who looks like you for three parking lots.

Look, I'm sorry about what happened. Please come back to the concert with me.

No.

Come on. Your mother's going to kill me.

No.

Look, I know I screwed up. I was just trying to help.

But you didn't.

You told me you liked this guy. You said it was really important to you. What

was I supposed to do?

Uh, nothing.

Now, see, that's the problem.

You're my daughter. I can't just do nothing. I want you to be happy.

I gotta be honest with you. I'm lost here.

This was so much simpler when you were little.

If you were upset, I'd just hold you upside down, bite your toes, and you'd

laugh, and everything would be okay.

You don't think that would maybe... No. No.

Look, I'm really sorry I ruined your birthday, and I have no idea how to make

better. You can't.

I really like this guy, and you embarrass me in front of all my friends.

There's nothing you can do that's going to fix that.

Okay, how about I give you 50 bucks?

What? I'll give you 50 bucks to go back to the concert and let me off the hook.

Cash?

If you won't take a check, sure.

Well, okay.

Really? You're not insulted that I'm just buying your love?

Just fork it over.

You know, Punkin', your happiness means everything to me.

I know, Dad.

We should be getting back.

Oh! And here come two security guards and the girl I was chasing.

Let's go.

Don't wait.

It's almost over. Took care of it.

I want to know. Enjoy cancer.

Deal.

Look at our daughter.

Ten minutes ago, it was like the world was ending.

Now it's like nothing ever happened. I will never understand her.

Becoming a woman!

What do you say we ditch the kids and sneak down to the good sneaks?

part is, if our children turn out to be screwed up, I can't just blame you.

Mom, we still had a good time tonight.

You want to go upstairs for an encore?

Only if you give me a standing O.