Original subtitles

Hello, Mother.

I love your new hairstyle. I mean, you're already a beautiful woman, but it

really brings out the brown in your eyes.

Thank you.

And it brings out the brown in your nose.

What do you want?

All right. Well, you know how being the last one in my group of friends whose

parents aren't divorced makes me totally boring?

Your father and I have already apologized for that.

Well, I figure I'd be so much cooler if I had a belly button ring.

Uh... No.

But, Mom, you have no idea what it's like to be a teenager these days.

It's really, really hard to know who you are in this world. That's all I'm

trying to do, figure out who I am and who I'm going to be.

Oh, sweetie.

I'm sorry, but I don't know if we have the space.

For what?

For that big load of crap you just wheeled in.

Dad, Mom's being totally unfair.

Yeah, she does that.

Daddy. Hey.

You need to either run slower or get taller.

Beat it, squirt, and put some clothes on. Shut up, stupid.

Mama says time to close off.

But remember, the underwear stays on till after dinner.

Same rules as when we were dating.

Hey, Dad, can I have a belly button ring?

Judy, can she have a belly button ring? Can't you think for yourself?

Judy, can I think for myself?

Nope. Sorry.

It's totally bad parenting.

Good parents would sit down and discuss it with me.

Well, honey, me and your mom are always looking for ways to be better parents.

Let's discuss it.

Now, Lauren, why do you think you should have a belly button ring?

Well, I think... No!

Sorry.

Sorry, just kidding. Go ahead.

All right, well, I think... No!

You won't get this for about 20 years, but trust me, this is fun.

Now, Bill, go ahead, Lorne.

All right, well, I think... No!

All right, that's fun.

You guys suck.

Hey, go to your room. Fine. You know, she has a TV, VCR, and stereo in her

Hold on.

Go to my room.

Oh, man.

That's right, a 12 -inch TV with no cable. Try and have fun in there.

Judy, I felt toilets.

Let's save 30 seconds a day and assume it sucks till further notice.

How about you?

Oh, on my lunch hour, I had a little Sutton Dunn that I thought you might

It's my hair, you idiot.

I was on my way up to it. Yeah, right.

Look, Mike.

What's this?

Oh, it's a permission slip for your son. His computer club is going on a field

trip. Where are they going, Radio Shack?

about him. He's been acting a little strange since he started high school.

Well, when you have three kids, one of them's bound to be a little strange.

He's lucky we're not lions.

We'd have eaten him.

Well, I think you should talk to him. Oh, don't make me talk to him. I love

I just don't understand him.

Is he using big words again?

Yeah.

But he did apologize for patronizing me.

Whatever the hell that means.

Was your neck still bothering you? Oh, just a little. Well, it's been 13 years.

I don't know why you don't go to the doctor.

Why get fancy? I'm happy looking straight ahead.

Wait a minute. You're cooking with real cheese.

Your sister's coming over, isn't she? She wants us to meet her new boyfriend,

Paul, and be nice to Linda. Why should I? Your sister treats me like an idiot.

You want to win her respect? Try not doing that impression of her ovaries

up.

I don't want to win it that much.

Look, she really likes this guy, and I'm trying to show them a happy couple, and

that's us.

So shut your hole and go change your shirt.

Why should I? You owe me. Oh, yeah?

Well, you owe me.

You calling me out?

Maybe.

What you got?

You owe me because I raked the leaves last week.

Oh, jeez, make it a challenge, will ya?

You owe me from April 22nd, 1997.

I let you watch the end of the hockey game during sex on our anniversary.

Hey, that doesn't count. It was a playoff game. We were both watching it.

Yeah, but you didn't have someone behind you who thought it was funny to keep

yelling, down in front!

That still gets me.

Get up, Dad.

You're a kid. Your room shouldn't be this clean.

The Bubble Boy had a messier room.

Just pick it up.

So what are you doing?

Playing the computer game.

It's called Existence. You slowly build a civilization by acquiring inventions,

solving national problems, building an economy.

Got anything to blow stuff up?

Cool, cool. How do you play?

Well... Well, these two keys are for steering, and that key controls the

detonation sequence.

Makes things go kaboom.

So,

how's everything else going?

All right.

Brian, now that you're entering high school, your mom and I want you to know

that if you need someone to talk to, you can always die, die, die!

Anyway, grades still up?

Yep. You gonna blow up the school?

Nope. And if you do, I'm the only one who paid attention to you, right?

Right. Beautiful. See you at graduation.

Well, actually, there is one thing.

It's not a math question, is it? Because we'd have to ask your mother.

It's more of a woman thing.

Ah.

You don't want to be one, do you? No.

I like one.

Really? Did a girl finally join the math club?

No.

Trust me, this girl would never join the math club.

She's a bad girl, isn't she?

Yeah, sort of. Us Millers like them bad.

So what's your plan of action?

Well, I've just been helping her with her schoolwork and carrying her books,

listening to her problems.

Well, that's all well and good, son.

If you want to become a member of the Never Touch Your Boobie tribe.

Close the door, son. Help is here.

Now, I'm going to tell you something you need to know about women.

High school girls like jerks.

Why? Why do birds fly?

Why is the sky blue?

Who knows the answers to these questions?

Well, there's actually very simple answers to those questions.

You want to be smart or you want to touch a boobie?

Come on, partner.

You've got to make them think you're a little dangerous.

When I was in high school, your mom was the hottest chick in our class.

She was way out of my league.

Then one day, I got caught smoking and throwing a cherry bomb down the toilet.

That's when she looked at me with love in her eyes and thought, this guy's

really gonna piss off my dad.

Is that why Grandpa always refers to you as Mom's first husband?

Yes, it is.

Dinner will be ready in five minutes. Oh, thank you. So, Linda tells me that

two have been married for 15 years.

Yep, and I can honestly say it's still not worth half my stuff to get rid of

her. Now, that's why.

So, Paul, Linda tells us you're a psychiatrist.

Actually, I'm a psychologist. If I want to be a psychiatrist, I'd have to go

through medical school and residency and all that. Yeah, I know how you feel,

buddy. I was going to take the management course at work, but it's like

Saturdays. Uh, Paul... is also a published author.

Go on, tell them about your article. It's just a little thing I wrote for a

journal about ways to help you release your inner negativity.

And what do you do?

I sell toilets.

They also help you release inner negativity.

Sweetie, it's time to get ready for bed.

I want to show Daddy my drawing.

Ah, what is it?

Daddy on the potty.

That's nice, sweetie. Go on up.

Come on.

Why can't I stay down here?

Well, because I like you too much, honey.

This is a very nice drawing, but it couldn't be Bill because this man is

reading.

It's nice when your loved ones do sweet things for you.

But hey, what am I saying, Linda? Your cats probably do this for you all the

time.

Bill, behave yourself.

Actually, I think Linda started it.

Well, it was nice meeting you, buddy.

I actually have a very honest relationship.

In fact, that's what my article was about.

Yeah. Uh, you know, Paul thinks that the secret to a truly fulfilling

relationship is being totally honest with each other at all times. Mm -hmm.

Oh, hey, you guys, we should play truth be told.

What's that?

Well, it's where you tell your partner something that you've always wanted to

say with the understanding that there is a safety zone, okay? Which means they

can't get angry at you.

I got another game. It's called I'd Like to Have Sex Again Someday.

Come on, this could be fun. You two seem like you have a really good marriage.

We do have a good marriage. Well, let's give it a try. Just a fun little

exercise. That's why I got married, so I don't have to exercise.

Linda, I'll go first.

Truth be told, Linda, I don't like that dress you're wearing.

Really? Enjoy the ride home, buddy.

While I think you are a beautiful woman, that dress doesn't show you in the best

light. You know what else doesn't show her in the best light?

Light.

Okay, uh, no, I respect that.

And, uh, truth be told, um, I really hate the music you play in your car.

Not everybody likes ragtime.

So, I respect that we have different musical tastes, and I won't play it

anymore. Okay.

Now, you see, that wasn't so hard. Why don't you give it a try?

Oh, all right.

Come on, Judy, go for it, go for it.

Okay.

Uh, truth be told, Bill, I don't like your shirt.

I know, that's why I wear it.

So, short term, Bill?

I don't think this is a good idea. Come on, Bill, do it for me.

You sure about this?

Bring it on, baby.

All right, truth be told, Judy.

I might have lied before.

I'm not that crazy about your haircut.

Really? Unless you really like it, in which case I'll just shut up.

No, no, I wasn't sure I liked it myself. I was just trying something new.

Well, that was easy.

Look, no bruises.

Yeah, you see, most people want to hear the truth. You say it and you forget

about it.

Okay, well, I think dinner's ready.

Actually, another thing just popped into my head.

What's that, dear?

Well, sometimes you can be a little bossy.

I'm done. Let's eat.

Bossy? No, I didn't mean bossy. I meant demanding.

Or nice.

Well, is that everything? Because you might as well get everything out.

Judy, I love you more than anything in this world.

I love you so much, I don't even care that you overcooked chicken.

Oh, that you sing all the time, even though you can't carry a tune.

Sometimes when I'm watching TV, you just won't stop talking.

Oh, so it isn't enough that I have a job. I've got to be a gourmet cook, sing

like an angel, keep quiet during wrestling.

Judy remembers safety, though. Shut up!

Judy, it's not like I enjoy... Oh, my God.

What? The pain in my neck's gone.

Oh, so what are you saying? This whole time I've literally been the pain in

neck. I didn't say that. And that's another thing that's annoying. You

put words into my mouth. Oh, my God.

My neck feels great.

Oh, look. I got shoulders.

What's that?

It's just a list of things for the next time we play.

You misspelled nitpicky.

That feels incredible.

I'm going to sleep like a log tonight.

Good night, David. Night.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I just thought if living with me was so bad, maybe you'd rather not live at

all. This whole dinner thing was your idea.

I only played that truth be told game to make you happy.

But you didn't have to like it so much.

I didn't have to play it at all, but you wanted me to, so I did.

Do you really think it's right to get mad at me for something you asked me to

do? You're right. I'm sorry.

You gonna do this all night?

Truth be told.

everything's fine.

Especially you.

You are so fine.

What? That's right, I'm talking to you, my lovely lady.

Have you been drinking?

Only if you mean drinking in your loveliness.

I'd like you to say hello to a friend of mine.

Nothing. I just wanted to show you how sorry I was for what I said yesterday.

You're perfect just the way you are. Yeah, right.

Oh, really?

I only said those things because I was mad at you for making me play that game.

So you were lying when you said those things about my hair and my singing and

cooking? Yes.

What's wrong?

That pain in your neck is bothering you because you're lying again.

No.

Thank you.

That was worth calling.

Brian's school wants to see us right away.

You're kidding.

Get dressed. I'll drive.

Oh, good, good, because you're a much better driver than I am.

Honey,

are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Wow, haven't been in this office in 20 years.

How you doing, Miss Bowden?

I'm going to take a wild leap and assume it's still Miss Bowden.

Yes, it is, Mr.

Miller. I'm going to take absolutely no leap and assume it's not Dr.

Miller.

What happened?

I'm afraid we caught Brian smoking.

Smoking? That doesn't seem like Brian.

Oh, I don't know, Judy. He is his old man's son.

So what'd you do? Bust a little troublemaker in the bathroom?

No, he threw up and passed out in the hallway.

In front of a girl we think he was trying to impress.

Brian, this does not seem like you. Where would you get an idea that smoking

would impress a girl? Who cares where he got the idea?

No, the kid made a mistake which he thought up on his own, and I will

punish him.

I'm just asking him, why were you smoking?

I didn't want to become a member of the Never Touch a Booby Trial.

What?

You told your son to smoke.

I am so sorry about this. All the kid does is homework.

I just thought he should loosen up a little, be a teenager, have some fun.

By having a smoke and touching a boob?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

But then again, you were nothing but trouble when you were a student, so why

should I expect anything else of you as a parent?

Hey. Honey, wait for us in the car.

Gotcha. Not you, you stay.

Fine.

He was the one smoking.

Listen, lady, never talk to my husband in front of my son like that again.

And he is not a bad father. He is just a stupid, stupid man doing the best job

he can.

Honey, are you defending me? Because it sounds like it could go either way.

I'm working with what I got.

You told him to smoke?

I was just trying to help him get a girl the way I got you.

You didn't get me by smoking.

Well, you know, by acting like a jerk.

You didn't get me by acting like a jerk either.

I dated you because you were sensitive, you big idiot.

I was not sensitive.

Oh, all right. The day my dog died, you skipped that cheap trick concert to talk

to me because you could tell I was down.

That's when I thought, yeah, you know, he's a little bit of a jerk.

But he's kind of a nice guy, too.

It's the first time you ever noticed me.

No, actually, the first time I noticed you...

You were standing right over there, wearing a tight red Aerosmith T -shirt,

jeans with a back right pocket ripped off.

Some guy made you laugh, and I thought, if I could make her laugh like that,

life wouldn't be so bad.

Wow.

Just when I think you're an idiot, you say something so sweet.

Plus, you weren't wearing a bra that day, so the ladies were out to play.

I bet you could still fit in that Aerosmith T -shirt.

Ah, we're back to lying to each other.

Ah, you bet. This whole truth thing's killing us. I think if we really care

about each other, we can build up a nice wall of lies that'll carry us through

to our 50th anniversary.

I'm with you.

So I'm not bossy?

Not unless you say so.

And you like my hair?

It makes you look ten years younger.

What kind of lover am I?

Fantastic every time.

We were just talking.

Wait a minute. We're married. That's right. We were making out.

Take it outside.

Yes, ma 'am. Oh, just a second. I forgot something in your office.

I know that my husband made a big mistake, but he really is such a good

Can't you see?

Wouldn't happen any other way.