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1
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Meet the perfect American family.
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There's the mom.
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I can't sit here and say, like, you
know, I'm really the next Mother Teresa.
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Fuck no.
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The son.
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Studies show a teenager's brain doesn't
really become functional until past 10
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.30, I think.
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The daughter.
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I don't really care what people think of
my hair, if they like it or not. It's
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not their hair, so I don't really care.
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Oh, that rhymed.
12
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And of course, the dad.
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Rock and roll!
14
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You know fucking man crazy Hey, but
that's how it
15
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goes Millions of people live
16
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and ask for Maybe
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It's not too late
18
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So learn how to love
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And forget how to hate
20
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Is that the swimming pool or a pond?
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It's the fucking swimming pool. And the
guy that's building it, I'm going to
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drown the fucker in it.
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This has got to be the 24th house that
my kids have lived in.
24
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We've got crosses going everywhere.
There's crucifixes. I'm having them
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on the wall. We've got crucifix door
handles.
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We'll never be able to sell it.
27
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Oh, well,
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of course it's broken.
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Those fuckers packed it.
30
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Dude, how did my sister's underwear just
get mixed up in mine?
31
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,120
You know, that's just wrong.
32
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Look at it. There's a fucking big chunk
out of it. That motherfucker.
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Where is he? The way I see it, the left
shelf.
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The less shit I'll put on them,
therefore the less shit I'll have.
35
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,020
Okay, so is that good or bad?
36
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Good. Everything we open is broken.
37
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And he'll keep saying to me, I'll glue
it. I'm going to glue his fucking mouth.
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Anything to do with, like, the history
channel and the war channel, all stuff
39
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like that.
40
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:41,760
Yes.
41
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Weather in Afghanistan, 2 ,000 degrees
and cloudy.
42
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What the fuck am I doing?
43
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,520
I'm stuck on the weather channel.
44
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What the fuck is that?
45
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We didn't give the owners any written
instructions. We gave them the remote
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control, and then the owners figured out
by themselves how to work it, so that's
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how easy it is.
48
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Wake signal, that's a better one. What
the hell is that wake signal?
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Jack!
50
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:40,260
Can you get this fucking television to
work?
51
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:45,070
I'm a very simple man. You've got to
have a lot of... computer knowledge to
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the fucking TV on and off.
53
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Jack!
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Fucking thing. Why can't I get a normal
fucking TV, man?
55
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I press this one button and the shower
starts. I'm going, what is this? Where
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I, man?
57
00:04:59,290 --> 00:05:00,810
It's fucking space, that shit.
58
00:05:01,150 --> 00:05:02,430
And the nightmare continues.
59
00:05:03,230 --> 00:05:04,550
Nightmare in Beverly Hills.
60
00:05:04,770 --> 00:05:05,770
Take the satellite.
61
00:05:06,370 --> 00:05:07,570
Yeah, and?
62
00:05:09,790 --> 00:05:11,310
That shit, come on.
63
00:05:11,830 --> 00:05:15,470
With all these buttons, you could use
your fucking blowjob as well. Let's go
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the television.
65
00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:17,290
Press blowjob.
66
00:05:22,310 --> 00:05:24,630
The coyotes are going to eat you.
67
00:05:25,710 --> 00:05:28,330
Mmm, yes, I think you're a nice guy.
68
00:05:28,850 --> 00:05:33,930
Lightning fast fighters to shoot down
enemy planes.
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00:05:35,590 --> 00:05:38,990
Deadly bombers to flatten German and
Japanese warplanes.
70
00:05:39,690 --> 00:05:44,770
Tough, reliable cargo planes to airlift
troops and supplies into battle.
71
00:06:11,650 --> 00:06:13,090
Oh, Dad, this is going to fit.
72
00:06:14,410 --> 00:06:15,410
Yeah.
73
00:06:19,550 --> 00:06:25,470
What are
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00:06:25,470 --> 00:06:28,550
you doing?
75
00:06:29,050 --> 00:06:30,270
I'm trying to bend it.
76
00:06:30,930 --> 00:06:31,930
What?
77
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,800
This what you want to wear to the
Tonight Show though?
78
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:55,280
Yeah.
79
00:06:55,780 --> 00:06:57,160
Very Jackie O, Kelly.
80
00:06:57,420 --> 00:06:58,780
What is? This outfit.
81
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:03,500
What a pleasure to meet you, man.
82
00:07:03,980 --> 00:07:08,380
I've been a fan for a long time. The
first concert I ever saw at the Grand
83
00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:11,100
Railroad opening for you guys at the
Forum. At the Forum, yeah.
84
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:12,860
71, that was. Absolutely.
85
00:07:13,260 --> 00:07:14,159
Greatest show.
86
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,160
Thanks a lot.
87
00:07:15,340 --> 00:07:19,280
No, see, the thing is, is that if you do
want to go to the Tonight Show...
88
00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:21,960
You're going to have to get cracking.
89
00:07:23,460 --> 00:07:24,460
I won't go then.
90
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,320
Simple as that.
91
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:32,720
He's very nervous. He doesn't like doing
any TV at all. He likes Jay a lot. He
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00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:33,720
watches the show.
93
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:38,100
Not that it's selling out, but it's just
too mainstream for him.
94
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,260
I mean, I make him do it. He doesn't
want to do it.
95
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:45,720
Hi.
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00:07:47,230 --> 00:07:49,790
What I mean, you're talking about dude
looks like a lady.
97
00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:52,430
Don't you want to see your dad?
98
00:07:53,870 --> 00:07:56,090
I'll see you tonight. That's for tonight
show.
99
00:07:56,890 --> 00:07:57,890
Oh, really?
100
00:07:58,030 --> 00:08:00,330
I didn't know.
101
00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:02,190
Oh, you are blonde.
102
00:08:02,710 --> 00:08:03,569
Fuck off.
103
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:04,570
Get a real job.
104
00:08:08,630 --> 00:08:09,890
Hey, how's it going, Ozzy?
105
00:08:10,370 --> 00:08:11,370
I'm Robert.
106
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Oh, big fan too, huh?
107
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,740
Sorry, you're not watching a movie
that's about marijuana smoking.
108
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Turn it off.
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I'm serious.
110
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:42,679
Fuck off. I'm serious. You're not
watching films about marijuana use.
111
00:08:43,260 --> 00:08:44,280
Shut up.
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Leave my room now. I don't need your
help. You sent it to Rick? To Rick.
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-I -C -K?
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He wanted to Rick be cool.
115
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How old is he?
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He's like 28.
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I'm thinking like 60. No, he's a huge
fan.
118
00:09:02,090 --> 00:09:03,350
Don't you want the Eagles? No.
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00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:04,790
Throw it.
120
00:09:04,890 --> 00:09:06,730
Why? Just throw it.
121
00:09:07,250 --> 00:09:10,830
I don't have to answer every question
for everything I do.
122
00:09:11,070 --> 00:09:11,929
Fuck off.
123
00:09:11,930 --> 00:09:12,930
Oh, bugger off.
124
00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:20,380
So, are you nervous before you perform
or what? I don't need a laxative.
125
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,440
I thought you were funny.
126
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:27,440
Want a thing on your lips?
127
00:09:28,180 --> 00:09:32,000
No, we're not getting through. We don't
go there, do we, huh?
128
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,420
Put this one here.
129
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:38,240
Hold on, wait.
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00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:41,300
That'll be all right, too.
131
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:42,760
Thank you.
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00:09:45,290 --> 00:09:48,790
My next guest, legendary rocker, tonight
he's performing a song from his first
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solo album in six years, Down to Earth.
Please welcome Ozzy Osbourne.
134
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:07,570
He was really
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00:10:07,570 --> 00:10:11,810
good. I could tell that he was a little
bit uncomfortable, but he did good.
136
00:10:12,230 --> 00:10:13,990
Now you come back and talk to him.
137
00:10:14,350 --> 00:10:15,350
Who?
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00:10:15,650 --> 00:10:16,650
Next time.
139
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:22,170
What? I said next time you'll come back
and talk, you'll be a talking guest
140
00:10:22,170 --> 00:10:23,510
instead of a singing guest.
141
00:10:23,850 --> 00:10:24,849
Oh.
142
00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:26,210
Right? When's that, next week?
143
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A little later.
144
00:10:33,230 --> 00:10:34,450
Why are we married?
145
00:10:35,830 --> 00:10:37,550
I bet you do when you go out.
146
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:38,770
No, I don't think so.
147
00:10:39,230 --> 00:10:41,250
Oh, yes, you do.
148
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I'll let you go.
149
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Please spare me, seriously.
150
00:10:46,930 --> 00:10:47,990
What's wrong with it?
151
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,150
You're too old.
152
00:10:53,370 --> 00:10:57,270
That's very nice. You wasted your 50,
50. Am I wrong, you said?
153
00:10:57,830 --> 00:11:04,190
Jonathan, it makes you really feel good.
I didn't feel nervous at all.
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00:11:06,010 --> 00:11:07,010
Do it now.
155
00:11:12,989 --> 00:11:13,989
What?
156
00:11:15,450 --> 00:11:18,910
Why can't you... Why do you start these
things? You never tell me you're
157
00:11:18,910 --> 00:11:22,990
going... Because everyone else had what
we said and you're the only one that
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00:11:22,990 --> 00:11:26,610
didn't like... Darling, let me explain
to you. You have not been standing in
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00:11:26,610 --> 00:11:29,730
front of 30 billion denticles for 35
years.
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00:11:30,910 --> 00:11:32,230
Just write me a note.
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00:11:47,650 --> 00:11:48,650
Oh,
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00:11:53,810 --> 00:11:54,910
hi, Michael.
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00:11:55,270 --> 00:11:58,350
How you doing? This guy got a delivery
for someone.
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My name is Michael, and I was hired as a
security to watch the Ozzy Osbourne and
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Mrs. Shannon Osbourne house. I walk
around the perimeters.
166
00:12:06,710 --> 00:12:07,790
I walk outside.
167
00:12:08,030 --> 00:12:12,670
I check the front house, the doors, the
windows, the back house, make sure just
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00:12:12,670 --> 00:12:14,850
everything is okay around here.
169
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,160
It's a blood clot.
170
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:23,480
It's a blood clot?
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00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:24,720
Yeah, feel it right here.
172
00:12:24,860 --> 00:12:27,300
I have fun over here.
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00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:34,440
My next guest, a legendary
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00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:37,720
rocker. Tonight he's performing a song
from his first solo album in six years,
175
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,300
Down to Earth. Please welcome Ozzy
Osbourne.
176
00:13:48,149 --> 00:13:52,630
It was on the stove too Kelly.
177
00:14:02,410 --> 00:14:07,030
Ever since Kelly was born, she has what
we call a wobbler.
178
00:14:07,310 --> 00:14:08,169
Leave it alone.
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00:14:08,170 --> 00:14:09,330
Dad, it's not hot anymore.
180
00:14:09,570 --> 00:14:10,590
Darling, leave it alone.
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00:14:10,870 --> 00:14:11,990
It's kind of like a freak out.
182
00:14:14,010 --> 00:14:16,430
Forget it. It's not hot anymore.
183
00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:17,730
Leave it alone.
184
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:19,450
Daddy! Oh, but nothing.
185
00:14:19,870 --> 00:14:21,870
Why are you so sarcastic towards me?
186
00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:24,230
I'm not. I'm in a bad fucking mood now.
187
00:14:24,590 --> 00:14:27,750
What? I nearly set the kitchen on fire.
Oh, shut up.
188
00:14:28,010 --> 00:14:29,030
Is that your fault?
189
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,330
Wait till your mother starts with me.
190
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:35,200
She's had a wobbler every day since
she's been living. So when you say, what
191
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,080
caused it to storm out? It's Kelly.
192
00:15:10,670 --> 00:15:13,470
I'm really, really, really, really
serious about Kelly, Mum.
193
00:15:13,970 --> 00:15:16,010
I'm about to snap at her.
194
00:15:16,870 --> 00:15:20,810
She's tired. You're all so tired and
you're snapping at each other the whole
195
00:15:20,810 --> 00:15:24,010
time because you're tired. It's not that
I'm tired, Mum. She's always got this
196
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:26,450
attitude towards her.
197
00:15:27,410 --> 00:15:29,650
Jack, I'm not disagreeing with you.
198
00:15:30,950 --> 00:15:34,610
We've got to sit down and everybody's
got to talk and get it sorted, Jack.
199
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,780
Jack is a pretty cool guy.
200
00:16:01,020 --> 00:16:03,600
Very, very mellow, very easygoing.
201
00:16:03,940 --> 00:16:08,700
It's been pretty tough for him because
he's kind of the oddball at school.
202
00:16:10,380 --> 00:16:15,060
He is friendly with kids.
203
00:16:15,470 --> 00:16:19,610
but he doesn't socialize with them. Jack
isn't one of these kids that'll hang at
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00:16:19,610 --> 00:16:21,410
the mall and go see movies.
205
00:16:21,650 --> 00:16:22,970
That's not his life.
206
00:16:41,260 --> 00:16:44,360
If they believe you, then it's like one
thing. But if they feel like you're
207
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:49,000
lying, which we usually are, then it's
like you don't really do anything the
208
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:49,919
next day.
209
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:50,920
Just to lay low.
210
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:52,440
Who's it is?
211
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:53,620
Fucking dick.
212
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,940
This shit will kill you faster than
crack.
213
00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,180
You know what? I think tobacco is the
most addictive shit that I've ever eaten
214
00:17:00,180 --> 00:17:00,799
in my life.
215
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:04,359
And the funny thing is, you don't have a
cup of buzz.
216
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,660
You do it first, apparently.
217
00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:09,160
No, you fucking don't. So I heard. I
smoke.
218
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:13,400
Heavily for 40 fucking years. I've just
quit seven months ago.
219
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,960
Well, I can't stand the smell of this
shit anymore.
220
00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:17,920
You know what? I'm an ass -kicking fat
kid.
221
00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:19,480
What? Nothing.
222
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:21,800
You got money for me?
223
00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:23,619
Yep. Thank you very much.
224
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:29,880
Fucking crap on you guys.
225
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:34,680
I had a guy pull chicks in his fucking
mouth. Please don't get drunk or get
226
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,940
stoned tonight. Because I'm fucking
pissed off because I can't.
227
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:42,060
Don't be, don't drink, don't take drugs.
No, no, I don't do that. Please.
228
00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:43,840
If you have to take drugs, cut them.
229
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:08,950
Kelly has this thing about leaving us
when it comes to going to the standard.
230
00:18:09,050 --> 00:18:10,750
It's her thing. She tells me to fuck off
and all that.
231
00:18:11,230 --> 00:18:13,330
Kelly's in my... She's a little bitch
when it comes to that.
232
00:18:13,710 --> 00:18:18,370
Kelly was a big -ass mall rat, and I
just started taking her clubs and then
233
00:18:18,370 --> 00:18:19,970
of just told her to fuck off, and that
was it.
234
00:18:22,910 --> 00:18:26,390
He's been running around talking crazy
shit about me, and I found out. And I
235
00:18:26,390 --> 00:18:30,510
think it's more that he feels guilty
about doing it, to try to be mean, and
236
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,590
he gets in a bad mood.
237
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,120
What's going on?
238
00:18:39,260 --> 00:18:43,340
Jack can do anything he wants to, say
anything he wants, talk all this shit,
239
00:18:43,340 --> 00:18:46,020
if it comes back to him, he just freaks.
240
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:50,700
Dad, I... Why don't you ask your mom?
Dad, I have. She won't do fuck all. She
241
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:54,000
goes, oh, I will, I will, but she
hasn't, and she won't.
242
00:18:54,620 --> 00:18:58,860
Dad, I'm just, I'm really about to lose
it with her. She ditched Sarah, who's
243
00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:02,980
supposed to be her best friend, and just
left us. If it wasn't for me, she'd
244
00:19:02,980 --> 00:19:05,080
still be at a fucking mall with a dumb
friend.
245
00:19:05,620 --> 00:19:08,960
See, it was me who said... Hey, Kelly,
when she used to hang out at the mall
246
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,480
with her little stupid friends, I'm
like, Kelly, come and meet us in class.
247
00:19:11,580 --> 00:19:15,560
We'll hang out. Jack, I really
understand, but you've got to understand
248
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,500
I'm coming from. I love you all.
249
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,840
I love you more than life itself.
250
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:21,620
You're all fucking mad.
251
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:23,960
Stop.
252
00:19:24,420 --> 00:19:25,420
Shit.
253
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,540
Life can be so sweet.
254
00:19:28,780 --> 00:19:30,920
Love can be so fine.
255
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:36,120
I know I'm complete when I hold...
256
00:19:47,390 --> 00:19:49,610
As we stand there.
257
00:20:08,490 --> 00:20:10,210
Mike and Kelly are still fighting.
258
00:20:10,490 --> 00:20:14,090
My husband's still moaning because he
still can't work the remote control.
259
00:20:14,310 --> 00:20:17,610
But at least we finally moved into the
house. We're home.
260
00:20:17,910 --> 00:20:21,430
Can you imagine the neighbors when they
see that by the door?
261
00:20:21,830 --> 00:20:28,490
Some think that I'm a son of a gun, but
I'm out to have some fun.
262
00:20:32,070 --> 00:20:33,070
Crazy.
263
00:20:33,910 --> 00:20:35,910
Hey, but that's how it goes.
264
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:43,200
Millions of people live in Aspo.
265
00:20:46,060 --> 00:20:51,980
Maybe it's not too late to
266
00:20:51,980 --> 00:20:57,920
learn how to love and forget how to
hate.
19364
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