Original subtitles

Meet the perfect American family.

There's the mom.

I can't sit here and say, like, you know, I'm really the next Mother Teresa.

Fuck no.

The son.

Studies show a teenager's brain doesn't really become functional until past 10

.30, I think.

The daughter.

I don't really care what people think of my hair, if they like it or not. It's

not their hair, so I don't really care.

Oh, that rhymed.

And of course, the dad.

Rock and roll!

You know fucking man crazy Hey, but that's how it

goes Millions of people live

and ask for Maybe

It's not too late

So learn how to love

And forget how to hate

Is that the swimming pool or a pond?

It's the fucking swimming pool. And the guy that's building it, I'm going to

drown the fucker in it.

This has got to be the 24th house that my kids have lived in.

We've got crosses going everywhere. There's crucifixes. I'm having them

on the wall. We've got crucifix door handles.

We'll never be able to sell it.

Oh, well,

of course it's broken.

Those fuckers packed it.

Dude, how did my sister's underwear just get mixed up in mine?

You know, that's just wrong.

Look at it. There's a fucking big chunk out of it. That motherfucker.

Where is he? The way I see it, the left shelf.

The less shit I'll put on them, therefore the less shit I'll have.

Okay, so is that good or bad?

Good. Everything we open is broken.

And he'll keep saying to me, I'll glue it. I'm going to glue his fucking mouth.

Anything to do with, like, the history channel and the war channel, all stuff

like that.

Yes.

Weather in Afghanistan, 2 ,000 degrees and cloudy.

What the fuck am I doing?

I'm stuck on the weather channel.

What the fuck is that?

We didn't give the owners any written instructions. We gave them the remote

control, and then the owners figured out by themselves how to work it, so that's

how easy it is.

Wake signal, that's a better one. What the hell is that wake signal?

Jack!

Can you get this fucking television to work?

I'm a very simple man. You've got to have a lot of... computer knowledge to

the fucking TV on and off.

Jack!

Fucking thing. Why can't I get a normal fucking TV, man?

I press this one button and the shower starts. I'm going, what is this? Where

I, man?

It's fucking space, that shit.

And the nightmare continues.

Nightmare in Beverly Hills.

Take the satellite.

Yeah, and?

That shit, come on.

With all these buttons, you could use your fucking blowjob as well. Let's go

the television.

Press blowjob.

The coyotes are going to eat you.

Mmm, yes, I think you're a nice guy.

Lightning fast fighters to shoot down enemy planes.

Deadly bombers to flatten German and Japanese warplanes.

Tough, reliable cargo planes to airlift troops and supplies into battle.

Oh, Dad, this is going to fit.

Yeah.

What are

you doing?

I'm trying to bend it.

What?

This what you want to wear to the Tonight Show though?

Yeah.

Very Jackie O, Kelly.

What is? This outfit.

What a pleasure to meet you, man.

I've been a fan for a long time. The first concert I ever saw at the Grand

Railroad opening for you guys at the Forum. At the Forum, yeah.

71, that was. Absolutely.

Greatest show.

Thanks a lot.

No, see, the thing is, is that if you do want to go to the Tonight Show...

You're going to have to get cracking.

I won't go then.

Simple as that.

He's very nervous. He doesn't like doing any TV at all. He likes Jay a lot. He

watches the show.

Not that it's selling out, but it's just too mainstream for him.

I mean, I make him do it. He doesn't want to do it.

Hi.

What I mean, you're talking about dude looks like a lady.

Don't you want to see your dad?

I'll see you tonight. That's for tonight show.

Oh, really?

I didn't know.

Oh, you are blonde.

Fuck off.

Get a real job.

Hey, how's it going, Ozzy?

I'm Robert.

Oh, big fan too, huh?

Sorry, you're not watching a movie that's about marijuana smoking.

Turn it off.

I'm serious.

Fuck off. I'm serious. You're not watching films about marijuana use.

Shut up.

Leave my room now. I don't need your help. You sent it to Rick? To Rick.

-I -C -K?

He wanted to Rick be cool.

How old is he?

He's like 28.

I'm thinking like 60. No, he's a huge fan.

Don't you want the Eagles? No.

Throw it.

Why? Just throw it.

I don't have to answer every question for everything I do.

Fuck off.

Oh, bugger off.

So, are you nervous before you perform or what? I don't need a laxative.

I thought you were funny.

Want a thing on your lips?

No, we're not getting through. We don't go there, do we, huh?

Put this one here.

Hold on, wait.

That'll be all right, too.

Thank you.

My next guest, legendary rocker, tonight he's performing a song from his first

solo album in six years, Down to Earth. Please welcome Ozzy Osbourne.

He was really

good. I could tell that he was a little bit uncomfortable, but he did good.

Now you come back and talk to him.

Who?

Next time.

What? I said next time you'll come back and talk, you'll be a talking guest

instead of a singing guest.

Oh.

Right? When's that, next week?

A little later.

Why are we married?

I bet you do when you go out.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, yes, you do.

I'll let you go.

Please spare me, seriously.

What's wrong with it?

You're too old.

That's very nice. You wasted your 50, 50. Am I wrong, you said?

Jonathan, it makes you really feel good. I didn't feel nervous at all.

Do it now.

What?

Why can't you... Why do you start these things? You never tell me you're

going... Because everyone else had what we said and you're the only one that

didn't like... Darling, let me explain to you. You have not been standing in

front of 30 billion denticles for 35 years.

Just write me a note.

Oh,

hi, Michael.

How you doing? This guy got a delivery for someone.

My name is Michael, and I was hired as a security to watch the Ozzy Osbourne and

Mrs. Shannon Osbourne house. I walk around the perimeters.

I walk outside.

I check the front house, the doors, the windows, the back house, make sure just

everything is okay around here.

It's a blood clot.

It's a blood clot?

Yeah, feel it right here.

I have fun over here.

My next guest, a legendary

rocker. Tonight he's performing a song from his first solo album in six years,

Down to Earth. Please welcome Ozzy Osbourne.

It was on the stove too Kelly.

Ever since Kelly was born, she has what we call a wobbler.

Leave it alone.

Dad, it's not hot anymore.

Darling, leave it alone.

It's kind of like a freak out.

Forget it. It's not hot anymore.

Leave it alone.

Daddy! Oh, but nothing.

Why are you so sarcastic towards me?

I'm not. I'm in a bad fucking mood now.

What? I nearly set the kitchen on fire. Oh, shut up.

Is that your fault?

Wait till your mother starts with me.

She's had a wobbler every day since she's been living. So when you say, what

caused it to storm out? It's Kelly.

I'm really, really, really, really serious about Kelly, Mum.

I'm about to snap at her.

She's tired. You're all so tired and you're snapping at each other the whole

time because you're tired. It's not that I'm tired, Mum. She's always got this

attitude towards her.

Jack, I'm not disagreeing with you.

We've got to sit down and everybody's got to talk and get it sorted, Jack.

Jack is a pretty cool guy.

Very, very mellow, very easygoing.

It's been pretty tough for him because he's kind of the oddball at school.

He is friendly with kids.

but he doesn't socialize with them. Jack isn't one of these kids that'll hang at

the mall and go see movies.

That's not his life.

If they believe you, then it's like one thing. But if they feel like you're

lying, which we usually are, then it's like you don't really do anything the

next day.

Just to lay low.

Who's it is?

Fucking dick.

This shit will kill you faster than crack.

You know what? I think tobacco is the most addictive shit that I've ever eaten

in my life.

And the funny thing is, you don't have a cup of buzz.

You do it first, apparently.

No, you fucking don't. So I heard. I smoke.

Heavily for 40 fucking years. I've just quit seven months ago.

Well, I can't stand the smell of this shit anymore.

You know what? I'm an ass -kicking fat kid.

What? Nothing.

You got money for me?

Yep. Thank you very much.

Fucking crap on you guys.

I had a guy pull chicks in his fucking mouth. Please don't get drunk or get

stoned tonight. Because I'm fucking pissed off because I can't.

Don't be, don't drink, don't take drugs. No, no, I don't do that. Please.

If you have to take drugs, cut them.

Kelly has this thing about leaving us when it comes to going to the standard.

It's her thing. She tells me to fuck off and all that.

Kelly's in my... She's a little bitch when it comes to that.

Kelly was a big -ass mall rat, and I just started taking her clubs and then

of just told her to fuck off, and that was it.

He's been running around talking crazy shit about me, and I found out. And I

think it's more that he feels guilty about doing it, to try to be mean, and

he gets in a bad mood.

What's going on?

Jack can do anything he wants to, say anything he wants, talk all this shit,

if it comes back to him, he just freaks.

Dad, I... Why don't you ask your mom? Dad, I have. She won't do fuck all. She

goes, oh, I will, I will, but she hasn't, and she won't.

Dad, I'm just, I'm really about to lose it with her. She ditched Sarah, who's

supposed to be her best friend, and just left us. If it wasn't for me, she'd

still be at a fucking mall with a dumb friend.

See, it was me who said... Hey, Kelly, when she used to hang out at the mall

with her little stupid friends, I'm like, Kelly, come and meet us in class.

We'll hang out. Jack, I really understand, but you've got to understand

I'm coming from. I love you all.

I love you more than life itself.

You're all fucking mad.

Stop.

Shit.

Life can be so sweet.

Love can be so fine.

I know I'm complete when I hold...

As we stand there.

Mike and Kelly are still fighting.

My husband's still moaning because he still can't work the remote control.

But at least we finally moved into the house. We're home.

Can you imagine the neighbors when they see that by the door?

Some think that I'm a son of a gun, but I'm out to have some fun.

Crazy.

Hey, but that's how it goes.

Millions of people live in Aspo.

Maybe it's not too late to

learn how to love and forget how to hate.