All language subtitles for Superbad_subtitle

Yo.

Hey, I was doing some research
for next year,

and I think I figured out which
website I wanna subscribe to.

The Vag-tastic Voyage.

Which one is
the Vag-tastic Voyage?

The Vag-tastic Voyage
is the one

where they find random girls
on the street,

and they invite them
into a van

and then they bang them
once they're on the van.

It's like 13 bucks a month,

and you get access
to a bunch of other sites.

Like one's Latina,
one's Asian, uh, you know,

there's one for fetishes
like feet and pee-pee and shit

and stuff like that.

That's disgusting.
You're like an animal.

I'm-- What? I'm disgusting?

You're the weird one, man.

Don't make me feel weird
'cause I like porn.

You're weird for not
liking porn. I'm normal as shit.

But peeing on people?
That's normal?

Evan,

I'm not saying
I'm gonna look at it.

I'm just saying that it comes
with the site, okay?

I don't know what I'm gonna be
into 10 years from now.

I'm just sick of all
the amateur stuff, you know?

I mean, like,
if I'm paying top dollar,

I want a little
production value.

Like some editing, transition,
something. Some music.

Yeah, you know, well,
I'm sorry, Evan,

that the Coen brothers don't
direct the porn that I watch.

They're hard
to get ahold of, okay?

Your parents are gonna be
looking at the bill, dipshit.

Yeah, you're right.

I probably should pick the one

with the least
dirty-sounding name.

Uh, what about,
like, Perfect Ten?

Something like that, you know?

Like Perfect Ten?

Because that could be
any number of things, you know?

They can't really
get you for that.

That could be, like,
a bowling website.

Yeah, but they don't really
show dick going in,

which is a huge concern.
I didn't realize that.

Plus, have you ever seen
a vagina by itself?

Not for me.

Hi.

Thanks for taking him, Seth.

No-- No problem, Jane.
How are you?

Good.

Beautiful.

Don't touch that.
What are you--? I'm not

a piece of meat.

You two are funny.

I can't imagine
what you're gonna do

without each other next year.

Evan told me you didn't
get into Dartmouth.

I got into some schools,

some pretty good ones,
so I'll be fine.

You gonna miss each other?

No. Miss each other?
No, thank you.

I don't--
I don't miss each other.

Yeah, I'm gonna cry myself
to sleep every night...

Me too.
...when I'm out partying.

Go to school, boys.

Bye, Mom.
Bye, Jane.

I am truly jealous

you got to suck on those tits
when you were a baby.

Yeah, well, at least you got
to suck on your dad's dick.

Hey, Seth, wait-- You can't
park in the faculty lot.

Don't be such a vagine, man.

I gotta get a Red Bull
before class.

You know, you're being
an idiot, man.

You shouldn't have parked there.
Fuck it. I'm about to graduate.

They should be sucking
on my ball sac.

It's the least they could do for
stealing three years of my life.

Oh, fuck me.

Look at those nipples.

They're like little baby toes.

It's just not fair that
they get to flaunt that stuff

when I have to hide
every erection I get.

You know what I do?

I flip my boner
up into my waistband.

It hides it
and it feels awesome.

I almost blew a load
into my bellybutton.

I mean, just imagine
if girls weren't weirded out

by our boners and stuff,

and just, like,
wanted to see them.

I mean, that's the world
I one day wanna live in.

You know, it's been two years
since I've seen

an actual human female nipple.

Shauna?
Shauna was two years ago now?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.
But she was insanely hot.

Exactly. She was too hot, okay?
That's what sucks.

How can that possibly suck?

I'd be psyched
if I got with her.

You got, like,
two dozen handjobs.

And three-quarters of a blowjob,
but who's counting, Evan?

Look, it was the peak
of my ass-getting career,

and it happened way,
way too early.

You're like Orson Welles.

Exactly!
If I had paced myself,

I'd be having
at least steady sex

with a decent-looking girl.

I honestly see now why Orson
Welles ate his fat ass to death.

Well, you'll have sex
in college, everyone does.

Yes, but the point is
to be good at sex

by the time you get
to college.

You don't want girls thinking
you suck dick at fucking pussy.

I still think you have
a chance with Jules, man.

And-- And she got incredibly hot
over last summer

and she obviously
hasn't realized it yet

'cause she's still
always talking to you

and flirting with you.

Are you out of your mind?

Look at Jules' dating record,
okay?

She dated Dan Remick,
who's had a six-pack since,

like, kindergarten.

Jason Stone, who looks like
fucking Zack Morris.

And Matt Muir.

Matt Muir,
he's the sweetest guy ever.

Have you ever stared
into his eyes?

It was like the first time
I heard the Beatles.

Why would she end
her high-school career with me?

Becca dated Eric Rosecrantz
for, like, two years.

Yeah, but that guy's
a fucking idiot.

You're actually a step-up
from that dick-load.

That's why you need to stop--
Will you get this for me?

That's why you need to stop
being a pussy and nail her.

You could bang her for
two months before you leave.

And I'm not gonna dance
around it,

she looks like
a good fucker.

All right, I'm tired of you
talking about her like that.

What, you can talk about her
all day, every day,

and the second I say one thing,
it's blasphemy?

Yeah, well, I don't
constantly insult her.

I'm not trying to insult her.

I'm just saying that she looks
like a good fucker, okay?

She looks like
she could take a dick.

Some women pride themselves
on their dick-taking abilities.

Dick-taking abilities?

Do you think that's a good thing
to say about someone?

The fucked-up thing is,
I actually do, okay?

If some woman tried
to compliment me

on my dick-giving abilities,
I'd be psyched.

Hey, yo, Seth.

What?

Hear I'm having a big grad party
next Saturday?

No.
Yeah.

Oh, shit!

You're not coming.

Tell your fucking faggot friend

he can't come either.

So Jesse wanted me
to tell you

that you're a fucking faggot
and you can't come to his party.

You know, you really
bitched out back there, man.

I bitched out?

You bitched out, man,
you fucking Judas.

Fucking left me hanging
over there.

Did you want me to dive
in front of his spit?

Come on, guys,
let's go!

This is bullshit.

If I equals the square root
of negative one,

then I squared equals
negative one.

Okay?

In other words, if you consider
I as a constant,

you can then define
the square roots

of all the negative numbers.

So I is an imaginary number.
It doesn't really exist.

If I equals the square root
of negative one,

then I squared equals
negative one.

Is this making s--? Okay.

Okay, bye.
Evan!

Evan, hey.
Hey, Becca.

Hey, uh, thank you
for your pen.

No problem. No, no, don't worry.
No worries. You just keep it.

It'll be yours. You won't have
to borrow one again

'cause you'll have that one.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.
That's...

Don't worry about it.

So I was gonna ask you,

did you hear about
Jesse's grad party next weekend?

It should be fun.

I heard. I, uh--
It's a maybe...

Really?
...for me at the moment.

Um, my R.S.V.P.--
Just a maybe?

So far.

There's so much other fun shit

that's gonna be happening
that night

that I can't really commit
and, you know,

hurt someone's feelings.
Fun shit?

But I-- I never see you
at parties or anything.

That's because of all the other
fun shit I'm off doing.

I'd love to be
at all of them, but...

So why weren't you
at Dimitri's on Saturday?

There was so many things going
on. I couldn't find a minute...

What did you do?
...to make an appearance there.

Um, Saturday was actually
a crazy night for me.

Aaah... Agh!

I had some friends over,
and we had a few drinks.

That's Vag-tastic!

I hung out in my basement,

the chill zone,
that's where we chill-lax.

Like "relax" and "chill"
all at once.

Aw!
Oh!

Seth's parents
were throwing a party.

We got to hang around adults,

which was a nice change
of pace, you know.

You-- You converse,
you talk to people,

and they have
interesting stories.

I talked to a man who claimed

he had climbed five mountains
in his life.

Wow.
And then we went to a nightclub

which was incredible.

This big, fancy one.

Gonna look at tits
right now!

"I'm feeling crazy."
I said that.

- You got in?
- We got right in.

Wanna do this,
'roid monkey?

Fuck you!

Then we called it a night.

We were all just really
exhausted.

Oh!
What the fuck?!

You would've loved it.

It was an incredible,
unbelievable night.

That sounds like a lot
of fun.

You know, I-- I'd love to go
do something like that sometime.

Oh, who wouldn't?
I mean, it was like

me and Seth are always
kind of cooking up these fun,

sort of, little,
you know, events.

So I guess you guys
are really gonna go crazy

next year together.

Um, we were going to,

but we got
into different schools.

Really? That sucks.

Yeah, I mean, it's not too bad.
I mean, it should be okay.

I'm not too worried
about it, really.

Don't worry about it.
I'm not worried at all.

All right, well,
thank you for the pen.

Yeah. No problem.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye, Evan.

Mrs. Hayworth,
I joined this class

because I'd be cooking
with a partner.

But she's never here,
and I don't get

twice the grades
for doing all the work.

I didn't invent
odd numbers, Seth.

I know, but look at Evan, okay?
Just look at him.

Hey, don't keep me
waiting much longer.

I'm getting
impatient up here.

Heh. You know what
I'm talking about.

Miroki, you're
embarrassing me.

I'm over here in my unit,
isolated and alone,

eating my terrible-tasting food
and I gotta look over at that.

Looks like the most fun I've
ever seen in my entire life.

And it's B.S.
Excuse my language.

I'm just saying
that I wash and dry.

I'm like a single mother.

We all know Home Ec
is a joke, no offense.

It's just, like, everyone takes
this class to get an A.

It's bullshit,
and I'm sorry.

And I'm not putting down
your profession,

but it's just
the way I feel.

I don't wanna sit here
all by myself

cooking this shitty food--
No offense.

And I just think that I don't
ever need to cook tiramisu.

When am I gonna need
to cook tiramisu?

Am I gonna be a chef? No.

There's three weeks
left in school.

Give me a fucking break.

I'm sorry for cursing.

All right, Jules' partner
isn't here today either.

Pair up with her.
Station four.

Jules?

All right. I'll--
I'll give it another shot.

I'll give Home Ec
another shot.

Yeah, Hayworth will notice this,
if we cover it with chocolate.

The whole thing?
Just dump it on. I'm serious.

Okay.

And now it looks professional.

That's really impressive.
It's beautifully done.

I think
we're gonna get an A.

So, what are you doing tonight?

Probably nothing. Why?

I don't know. My parents are
gone so I'm having a party.

I don't really know how
many people are gonna be there,

but you could stop by
if you wanted to.

Yeah, I love parties.

Really?

I just don't really
ever see you at them.

You know,
it's a love-hate thing.

So, like, you know, right now,
I really love them, though.

Yeah.

Good shit, right, Miroki?

Mm-hm.

Yeah.

Hey, Miroki, could we have
a minute alone? Just-- Thanks.

Dude, Jules is having
a fucking party.

Hey!

Don't tell Fogell
about the party.

Gangsters.
What's up, guys?

I was just walking
down the hall

and that Nicola
was right in front of me

and she was wearing
these tight white pants

with this black G-string,

and you could see
right through the pants, man.

It was so sweet.

Uh, it's 10:33.

What?

I told her
what time it was.

That's the coolest fucking story

I've ever heard
in my entire life. Insane.

Can I hear it again?
Do you have time?

Yeah, yeah, Seth.
I'll really gonna miss

your knee-slappers when me
and Evan are at Dartmouth.

While you guys are at Dartmouth,
I'll be over at State

where the girls
are half as smart

and thus twice as likely
to fellash me.

What are you guys
doing tonight? Asshole.

We got nothing.
Nothing tonight, Fogell.

No? Well if nothing comes up,
we can get shitfaced again.

You're always calling me
a pussy and whatnot,

but today you're wrong.

At lunch, I'm going to
the same place Mike Snider went

to pick up
my brand-new fake ID.

Chicka-chicka, yeah, fake ID,
fake ID. I'm tight.

That's insane. Evan was like,
"I heard about this party.

We shouldn't tell Fogell."
I was like, "No, tell Fogell."

You could buy us booze now.
It's awesome.

Yeah, I'll--
Sure, I'll buy the booze.

Yeah, man, we're gonna
get our drinks on.

We're gonna party and get crunk
and rock out, dude.

If you're not in this class,
leave this class. Fogell!

Hi!

Okay. I'm-- Gotta go.
Well done, man.

Seriously.
See you after class.

Did you tell that idiot
you're not rooming with him?

Not yet. No.
All right, well, you better.

That guy's
the fucking anti-poon.

Seth, it's dishes time.
What's the holdup?

We're getting
a fake ID, so...

It's not like
a big deal.
Wow.

Not a big thing.

Well, at least we're
getting a graduation party.

Thank God, man.

Oh, I'm excited.

I would do terrible,
disgusting things

to hook up with Jules.

Unforgivable things.
I hear you, man.

I'd give my middle nut
to date Becca.

Becca's a bitch.

You know what? I'm seriously
getting fucking sick of you

talking about her like that,
frankly, if we can be honest.

Me too.
Why do you hate her so much?

You've never given me a reason.
I think you like her.

Fuck no, man!
I hate Becca.

Why, man?

Fine, Evan.
Here it comes.

When I was a little kid,
I kind of had this problem.

And it's not even that big
of a deal.

Something like 8 percent of kids
do it, but whatever. It's...

For some reason,
I don't know why,

I would just kind
of sit around all day...

and draw pictures
of dicks.

What?

Draw pictures of dicks.

Dicks?

Like a man dick?

Yeah.
Like a man dick.

I'd just sit there for hours
on end, drawing dicks.

I don't know what it was.

I couldn't touch the pen
to a piece paper

without drawing the shape
of a penis.

That's fucked.

It's really fucked up.

Here I am, this little kid,

and I can't stop drawing dicks

to save my own life.

All right. I mean, I don't see
what this has to do with Becca.

Just listen. Okay?

Your precious little Becca

sat next to me
for all of fourth grade.

And in the classroom
is where I did the majority

of my illustrations.

I was very secretive
about this whole dick operation

I had going on.

Even I thought
I was fucking crazy.

Imagine what everyone else
would think.

So I would stash
all of my dick drawings

in this Ghostbusters lunchbox
that I had.

So one day I'm finishing up

this real big, veiny,
triumphant bastard.

All of a sudden...

Pussy!

You hit Becca's foot
with your dick?

Yeah. I know.

Agh! Oh, my God!

She starts crying.
She flips out.

And she rats me out
to the principal.

He finds this Ghostbusters
lunchbox dick treasure chest

and he fucking flips out.

He calls in my parents.

Turns out this principal

is some religious fanatic,

and he thinks I'm possessed
by some dick devil.

My parents make me see
a therapist,

and he's asking me
all these dick questions.

They made me stop eating foods
that were shaped like dicks.

No hot dogs, no Popsicles.

Know how many foods are shaped
like dicks? The best kinds.

Yeah.

Well, I don't-- I--
That's really messed up.

Super gay.

Right, let's stop this madness.
Let's just go get dessert.

No, I can't, I gotta
go meet my counselor.

I'm picking out
my classes for next year.

I gotta sit here
and eat dessert alone,

like I'm fucking
Steven Glanzberg?

I gue-- Yeah, I mean,
what do you want me to do?

I don't know. Nothing.
It's fine.

Just relax, man.
I'll see you later.

That's fine. I'll be fine.

Hey, pussy.

Fuck off.

Just the one, though.
Just the one. Not both.

- I'll call Andy and Greg.
- Okay.

And I'll bring the '80s
dance music.

Yeah, yeah.

Seth! Hi. There you are.
We were just talking about you.

Here I am.
That's weird.

So you're coming
to my party tonight, right?

'Cause it's, like,
fully on.

Yeah, why?
Should I not come?

'Cause I could think
of other shit--

Oh, no. No. I-- I want you
to come, I just, um--

You said something earlier
about, like, a fake ID

or something, right?

Yeah, I'm gonna get one.
For "sho," for "sho."

I'm getting that for "sho."

Can you get us booze?

Yeah. I can.
I can get you guys alcohol.

Really? Seriously?
Yes, for sure.

Oh, that would be awesome.
Thank you.

Because we're worried
about that.

That would be great.

Plus, you know,
you scratch our backs,

we'll scratch yours.

Well, Jules, the funny thing
about my back is,

is that it's located
on my cock.

So you do want alcohol?

You want some sort
of alcohol, or no?

You do or you don't?
You do want alcohol.

Um, y-yeah.
You need some.

Either way.

Well--
Either way. Either way's fine.

This is actually kind of
a big favor.

'Cause my parents left me
like 100 bucks

to, uh, feed myself
for the week.

You know, but the house
is full of food,

so I just thought
I'd spend it all

on, you know, extra drinks
for the party, so...

Yeah, that's really nice.

I don't think I've ever
done anything that nice.

It's cool?
Yeah.

Okay. Thank you.
Awesome.

I mean, seriously,
that's really--

That's nice of you.
Thank you.

So should I just, uh, get
a shitload of different shit?

Well, you gotta get me

some Kyle's Killer Lemonade.

Kyle's Killer Lemonade.

I-- That's kind of gay,
but I can get it for you.

So, um--
Killer.

Okay, so then we will
see you tonight.

Go to the ball, guys.

Evan. Get into the game.

Kick it over to me.

Seth! Get off the field!

Dude, get out of here, they're
gonna make me run laps again.

Dude, just fucking listen,
okay?

Jules and her stupid fucking
friend came up to me,

and they asked me
to buy her alcohol.

But not just her,
for her whole party.

You know what that means?

By some divine miracle,
we were paired up

and she actually
thought of me.

Thought of me enough to decide
I was the guy she would trust

with the whole fun-ness
of her party.

She wants to fuck me.

She wants my dick
in or around her mouth.

Did you think that maybe she's
using you to get her alcohol?

She doesn't want your dick.
No!

She's got an older brother.

She could have asked him,
but she asked me.

She looked me

"Seth, Mom is making
a pubie salad,

and I need some
Seth's Own dressing."

She's D.T.F.
She's down to fuck, man.

P in vagi.
She wants to fuck, man.

Tonight is the night
that fucking is

an actual possibility.

You just sound like an idiot.

You're not gonna be able
to sleep with her.

No. Dude, I know I talk
a lot of shit, okay?

But she's gonna be at the party
and she's gonna be drunk,

and she likes me at least
a little, enough to get with me.

At the very least,
I'll make out with her.

Two weeks, handjob.
Month, blowjob. Whatever.

And then I make her
my girlfriend.

And I've got, like,
two solid months of sex.

By the time college
rolls around,

I'll be like the Iron Chef
of pounding vag.

Can we talk about this later?

What the fuck, Evan?
We're down two points.

Fucking calm down, Greg.
It's soccer.

It's soccer.

Fuck you, man.

Hey, why don't you go piss
your pants again?

That was eight years ago,
asshole.

People don't forget.

Do you want to hear
the best part? Becca.

You do the same thing
with her.

When you guys are shitfaced
at the party, you get with her.

This is our last party
as high-school people.

I've fully ignored
my hatred for Becca

in coming up
with this plan.

I should buy Becca alcohol?

Yeah, it'll be pimp!

That way you know
she'll be drunk.

You know when you hear

"Ah, I was so shitfaced
last night.

I shouldn't
have fucked that guy."

We could be that mistake!

Have you talked to Fogell?

All right,
you talk to Becca.

I'll talk to that retard,
Fogell. Don't worry.

Seth, get off the field!

Goal.

You're getting that!
No, I'm not!

Hey, Becca. Hey, hold up.

Oh, hey.
Hey, um...

Hi, uh, did you--?

Did you hear about
the party tonight?

Yeah. Yeah, I just heard.
It sounds awesome.

Yeah. Ahem.
Yeah, I'm going.

Really?
Yeah, I'm gonna go to it.

That's actually why I came
looking for you.

Me and the guys are gonna go
to a liquor store after class.

And I just thought,
you know, if--

If you needed someone
to get you yours, I--

I could do that.
I could be that person.

Yeah. Um--

Yeah, no, that would be great.

That would save me
such a hassle,

'cause I was gonna beg
my sister, but--
Oh...

Could you get me, like,
a bottle of Goldslick Vodka?

Yeah. That's the one with
the little golden flakes in it?

Yeah. The girly one.
That's classy.

Um, okay, well, I'll pay you
back at the party, then.

No, no, you won't.
No, it's my treat, miss.

Really?
Yep, and that's that.

It's the first of many too,
so get used to it, sister.

Oh, well, thank you.

Yeah, no problem.
You--

Oh...

I'm sorry.
That guy walked by--

It was an accident.
It's okay.

I was gonna give you a nudge--
A punch, the friend thing.

I didn't mean--

Hey, Becca.
Oh. Hey.

Hey.
Gaby.

What's up, Evan?
Hey, Gaby.

We should get to class.
We're gonna go to class.

So I will see you tonight.

Okay.
Really, don't worry.

Okay. Sorry.

Bye.
Sorry.

Sorry. Heh.

Where's that sack of shit,
Fogell?

He said he'd be here
after lunch.

I'm here with my thumb
up my ass.

I did it, dude. I--
I even offered to pay for it.

It was pimp. Like--
I feel like a pimp right now.

Like one of those pimps.

Whoa, that is fucking pimp.

That's what I was afraid of.

Why didn't I think
of that? Shit!

Sh-- We're screwed.

Okay? We're screwed.
Okay.

That's what we fucking get
for trusting Fogell.

He pussied out. I know it.
He fucking pussied out.

How'd he get into Dartmouth?

I don't get it.
He's got shit for brains.

All right,
how else can we get alcohol?

Yo, guys! What's up?

Where have you been, man?

You almost gave me
a goddamn heart attack.

Let me see it.
Did you pussy out, or what?

No, no, man. I got it.

It's flawless. Check it.

Hawaii?

All right, that's good.
It's hard to trace, I guess.

Wait, you changed your name
to McLovin?

Yeah.

McLovin?

What kind of a stupid name
is that, Fogell?

What, are you trying to be
an Irish R&B singer?

They let you pick any name you
want when you get down there.

And you landed
on McLovin?

Yeah, it was between that
or Mohammad.

Why the fuck would it be
between that or Mohammad?!

Why not just pick a common name
like a normal person?

Mohammad is the most common name
on earth.

Read a fucking book for once.

Have you ever met anyone
named Mohammad?

Have you ever met anyone
named McLovin?

No, that's why you picked
a dumb fucking name.

Fuck you.
Give me that.

All right. You look like
a future pedophile

in this picture, number one.

Number two, it doesn't even
have a first name.

It just says McLovin!

What? One name?

One name? Wha--?
Who are you, Seal?

Fogell,

this ID says
you're 25 years old.

Why wouldn't you just
put 21, man?

Seth, Seth, Seth.
Listen up, ass-face.

Every day, hundreds of kids
go into the liquor store

with their fake IDs, and every
single one says they're 21.

How many 21-year-olds you think
there are in this town?

It's called fucking strategy.

Let's stay calm, okay?
Let's not lose our heads.

I-it's a fine ID.
It'll-- It's gonna work.

It's passable, okay?
This isn't terrible.

I mean, it's up to you,
Fogell.

This guy's gonna think,
"Here's a kid with a fake ID,"

or "Here's McLovin,
the 25-year-old

Hawaiian organ donor."

Okay? So what's it gonna be?

I am McLovin.

Yeah.
No, you're not.
No one's McLovin.

McLovin's never existed
'cause that's a made-up, dumb,

fucking fairy-tale name,
you fuck!

Jeez, man. It'll work.
Give it a chance.

Did you move my--?

Where is my car?

Oh, my God, man.

Ugh.
Didn't I tell you?

What did I say to you?
I told you not to park here.

Why would you park
in the staff parking lot?

Shut the fuck up, Fogell.

I mean,
'cause you're not staff.

I know that, Fagell!
I know that!

Evan, let's go to your house.

Wait, are you guys
still picking me up from work?

Can you answer me?

Man, don't you have
any non-infant clothes?

It'll be fine.
Yeah.

Why don't you just wear
what you wore to school?

No, I can't do that.

I can't let Jules see me
in what I wore to school.

It's completely unbecoming.

No one's gotten a handjob
in cargo shorts since Nam.

Know why I have
to kill these guys?

'Cause you don't negotiate
with terrorists.

Oh, really?
Terrorism.

That's what we should be
talking about right now.

Then why don't you go and get
some of your own clothes?

That's the dumbest thing ever.

If I go home my parents will see
that my car's been towed

and I'll be grounded.

These fucking terrorists
multiply like bunnies.

Where did I leave the M16?

Do you have any bigger clothes,
or do you only shop at babyGap?

Fuck me! I can't--

That's fun.
Why do they make that?

If you can't even...win,
then why am I fucking playing?

Do you wanna go see
what my dad has?

What the fuck?

What the hell is that?

It's a fucking vest,
dumbass.

I'm trying
to look older.

You look like Pinocchio.

No, it's just a vest.

They got a lot of booze
in there.

If we get it now, we can get

to the party faster
with all Jules' shit.

No way, man. I work there.
They know I'm not 25.

Nobody said anything about you,
dick-mouth.

You really fucked me
on this one. So now...

I'm gonna steal the booze.

Don't--
Don't do this.

I promise you
I'll get the liquor later.

Mike Snider's ID always works.
So will mine, man.

Mike Snider's ID doesn't have
one fucking name on it! Okay?

I thought you Dartmouth guys

would be smart enough
to understand that.

Now Seth's gotta pick up
all the pieces.

He won't do it.
Don't worry.

Oh, oh, I forgot
to tell you, uh,

my mom said we can have
the TV from the basement--

Shut the fuck up, man,
he's gonna hear you.

Just be quiet.
Wait until he goes away.

You still haven't told him
that we're rooming together?

Fogell, shut the fuck up.
All right?

And take off your vest,
you look like Aladdin.

Okay. You got it.

Hope piggy can run.

How old are you?

Twenty-two.

You certainly are.
That'll be $80.

Oh. Okay. Cha.

Thank you kindly. Will that do?

Certainly will.

Thank you, Seth.

Hey, thank you.

Oh.

You dropped your purse,
ma'am.

Would you like some help
with your groceries?

Well, that would be lovely,
young man.

Would you like me
to buy you alcohol?

That would be lovely.

Enjoy your remaining years.

I will.

Enjoy fucking Jules.

I will.

Don't do it, kid.

I never had a choice.

You fucking killed her!

No!

Where's all the stolen liquor,
Danny Ocean?

Did you hide it up your butt?

Piss off! I was gonna do it,
but there was a security breach.

You never would've done it.

Let's go to a liquor store

and watch your stupid ID
get rejected.

Wait, I'm gonna go put my vest
back in my locker.

Shoot you down?

All right. Here we are.
This is it.

You ready? Yeah?
Yeah.

Here's the money and the list.

Change is yours.
Keep the change.

Thank you.
Uh, what's the list for?

The alcohol.

We're gonna get alcohol
for the whole party, okay?

We put a lot of time
into this list,

so don't fuck it up
and get sambuca again.

It's perfect.

Ouzo, bourbon,
spiced rum, Goldslick...

Goldslick Vodka.
That's for Becca.

Don't forget that, okay?

Raspberry vodka,
Scotch...

Oh, and Kyle's Killer Lemonade.
A six-pack.

This is
a lot of stuff, man.

I don't know if I can
get away with all this.

What difference does it make
how much it is?

I don't know, man.
I'm, like, really nervous.

Are you okay?

No, man.
I should've wore the vest.

Calm down.
No, no.

What the fuck are you doing?

What if-- What if I go in
and they turn me down, man?

Then we're in the same
exact place we're in now.

Who cares?
It's fucking humiliating!

Everybody in the store
sees them kicking me out.

What if they make me put
the liquor back?

I can't do that.Oh, my God.

This whole thing
is bigger than you, Fogell!

So grow a pair of nuts

and fucking walk in there
and buy the alcohol!

What if I don't feel like it
anymore, Seth, what?

Then I'll fucking
kill you, okay?

I'll get a knife and stab you
through your fucking heart.

No, you can do this.
Come on.

Killing me won't
get you alcohol, jerk-off.

I'm the one with the fake ID.

Then I'll cut
your dumb fucking face off,

throw it over mine
and get your ID

and buy it my fucking self!

Oh, really?

You don't have the technology
or the steady hands

to pull off a procedure
like that, so ha!

Peace.

Fogell, just be cool, man.
Get in and get out.

You're the hero.

Sorry.

Is there a problem here, sir?
Mm-mm.

No, mm-mm.
No problem whatsoever.

Sir, did you do this?
On the floor?

No.

And you should really
clean this up.

Someone could really
hurt themselves.

Fuck my life.

We're so fucked.
We're so fucked.

This plan's been fucked
since Jump Street, man.

Okay, just calm down.
Just calm down, all right?

Hey, so did you bring a condom?
For tonight?

You brought a condom
with you?

Yeah. I figured
I might as well, you know?

I brought a little bottle
of spermicidal lube too.

But you laughed in my face

when I said
I'd be having sex tonight.

Yeah, that doesn't mean you
shouldn't always be prepared.

You didn't even bring a condom?

No.

No, Evan,
that wasn't part of the plan.

I can't believe you did this
without consulting with me.

Plan? We've never discussed,
like, any plan,

but you keep saying
we have a plan.

I had, like, a general outline.
You know?

I was gonna go down on her
for, like, several hours, okay?

She would love that.
She'd be smitten by that.

She'd go out with that.

Or I dry hump the shit
out of her leg.

Okay, well, I just--
I don't see the harm

in bringing one little condom.

And one little bottle
of spermicidal lube?

Yeah, one little bottle
of spermicidal lube.

Evan, that's psycho shit,
man.

No, it's not.

That's like
Charles Manson shit.

What, do you think
Becca's gonna be psyched

that you brought lube?

"Oh, Evan.
Thank you for bringing

"that lube for my pussy.

"I never would've been able
to handle

"your fucking four-inch dick

inside my pussy without that
gigantic bottle of lube."

Okay, that's-- That's enough.
Fuck.

These girls are 18 years old,
they're not dried-up old ladies.

They're good to go.

Then I won't bring the lube.

Hello, Mindy.

Heh. I love that stuff.
Been drinking it for years.

You know, I heard they recently
decided to add more hops to it.

Um, okay.

I'm gonna need to see
some identification.

Really?

Makes me feel young again.
Heh. There you go.

Ah, shit,
it's Cary Hutchins.

She had the biggest tits
I've ever seen.

Yeah, I heard she got
breast-reduction surgery.

What?
Making your tits smaller?

That's like slapping God
across the face

for giving you a gorgeous gift.

She had back problems, man.

And it's not just
making them smaller.

They completely reshape them.

They make 'em more supple
and symmetrical.

I gotta catch a glimpse
of these warlocks.

Let's make a move.

She's going around
the corner.

Come on.

Okay. Your total is 96.59.

I don't believe it!

Are you okay, mister?

Ow! What the shit was that?

I don't believe it.
I don't believe it!

I don't believe it.

I don't know, man. I think
she looked better before.

But now that she can
jog comfortably,

she's in the best shape
she's ever been--

What is this? What's that?

Oh, man.

Holy shit,
they busted Fogell.

How did this happen, Evan?
Fuck, man!

His dad's gonna
fucking kill him.

Look, okay?

He assaulted the customer,
grabbed the cash and ran out.

So...

How--?
How--? How--? How--?

Say when, height-wise.

I'm gonna start up here,
tell me when.

I'll start on the bottom
and--

Whatever 5'10" is,
he was 5'10".

Ethnically, I mean, did--

What--? Uh...

I mean, wa-- Was he--?
Was he like us, or--?

A woman?

Female?
No.

Is that what you're asking?
No, no. Was he--?

Like...
What? What?

African?
Af-- Af--

Was he African?
African.

No. He was American,
and he was like you.

He looked just like you.

He was Jewish.
Okay, Jew.

It's an odd crime for a Jew.
Yeah, they're pretty docile.

Okay, so we have an African Jew
wearing a hoodie.

Look, I can't do this.

I told you already,
I have an exam tomorrow.

Can you understand that?

I have a goddamn
veterinary exam!

Goddamn it. This is bullshit.

This is some bullshit.

I got an exam tomorrow.
Forget this.

Well, apparently
someone has an exam.

How'd you know?

You. You're the one

that got punched?
Yeah.

Okay.

First things first.
What is your name?

Uh...

My name?

It's M-- McLov-- McLovin.

McLovin?

Yeah. Mm-hm.

Now, what's your first name?
What?

Your first name?
My first name?

Te-- Technically,
I don't have a first name,

so-- So don't worry
about my first name.

But we're the police.

We just wanna get
the story straight.

Come on.
Fuck, man.

Come on!

He must be so afraid.

I don't believe
this bullshit.

I can't believe
this is happening!

I didn't know you could
get arrested for this shit.

We need that liquor.

Are they gonna, like,
take him downtown?

Fuck Fogell.

He got arrested, okay?
We're on our own.

We need a new way
to get liq--

Aw, fuck! The money, man!

Fuck! H-how much money
can you get?

Why are you talking about money,
man? What about Fogell?

Wha--?
That doesn't matter anymore.

I lost a hundred dollars
of Jules' money.

What are we gonna do,
bust him out of jail?

Bake him a cake
with a fucking file in it?!

Fuck Fogell. We need
a new way to get liquor,

which is fucking impossible
'cause we don't have money.

All right,
you just need to calm down.

We need to think for a second.
We just need to think this out.

Fuck thinking, we need to act!

Whoa, Seth!

What the fuck happened?

Just-- Just get up.
Slowly.

You all right?
You okay?

Ah!

I am so sorry, man.

I am so sorry.

I didn't even effing
see you at all, man.

Are you okay?

So it's just McLovin?

Yeah. Mm-hm.

That's badass.

That is badass.

Really cool.

Lot of people
with weird names nowadays.

Chingy. Shakira.

Rafe. Pax.

We arrested a man-lady
who was legally named "Fuck."

Think he was Vietnamese,
it was with a P-H.

But it's still pretty shocking
to see on a license.

Okay, and, uh,

how old are you,
McLovin?

Old enough.

Old enough for what?

To party.

Can I see your ID?

Yeah, I think I have it.

You're an organ donor.

Wha--? What?

I didn't want to be one,
but my wife insisted.

I always give him shit
for it too. All the time.

I say,
"It's just like a woman.

Even after you're dead
they wanna tear your heart out."

They wanna tear your...

I say it weekly
and it's still funny.

It still
makes me laugh.

Really funny.
There you go.

I'm s-- I'm sorry, guys.
I don't--

I don't really have
any information.

He just hit me,
and I didn't really see

what he looked like.

I don't know
if I can help you.

You in a hurry
or something?

Yeah, kinda had
to catch that bus.

Where were you headed?

Uh, near 13th
and Granville.

We can take you there.
Yeah.

Get your information
on the way.

Why waste 2 bucks? Yeah.

We'll take you.
No problem.

Please, please don't
report me, man.

We can figure this out.
We can figure this out.

Why the fuck
wouldn't I report you?

You just hit me with your car.

I'm gonna be totally honest
with you.

I have a warrant out
for a totally nonviolent crime.

Okay? There.
Mercy Street, guys.

Well, I'll be honest
with you for a second.
Okay.

You better get us
a shitload of cash

or a shitload of alcohol

or you're going
to fucking prison.

What are you doing, man?
That's-- You don't need to--

No, let's not--
Let's hang on a second here.

Cough it up.
Fine.

I don't know
if we should be doing anything

too official just yet.

Just take it.
Just take it. Okay?

Seven dollars?

What the fuck, man?
This isn't enough.

What are you, 6 years old?

It's all I have, man.
It's all I have.

Well, you better think
of something quickly.

Ow! My back! My back.
Cops, my back.

No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, don't do that.

You want booze?
I can get you alcohol, okay?

Bro, I'm on my way to a party
right now, okay?

There's, like, tons
of liquor there, all right?

And I can-- I can definitely
get you, like,

tons of liquor,
like so much liquor, so...

Just give me one sec
to talk to him.

Stay right here.

Just talk it out.

Hey, I'm a nice guy.

I don't like this idea
at all.

This guy's fucking creepy, man.
Look at him.

What? He looks like a guy.
That's what guys look like.

What is your problem?

You guys know
a guy named Jimmy?

You totally look
like his brother.

You totally look
like his brother, man.

You do.

You promised Becca
you'd get her alcohol.

If you don't, she's gonna
have a shitty night.

That's all I'm saying.
Come on.

Good luck on your exam
tomorrow.

Good luck on your exam.
You don't wanna ride the bus.

Buses smell like piss,
generally. You know why?

Why?
People piss on 'em.

You know, uh, ahem,
one of you bros

could've come up
and sat up with me.

We're fine back here.

Back's fine.

Safe in the back seat.

Oh. Oh, my God!
What's up?

Hey, Jules.

Who is it?
Who's on the phone?

Seth. Hey, where are you?

I'm-- I'm in a cab right now,
on the way to a liquor store.

Oh, yeah, good. I can't wait
for you to get here.

Well, I hope your friends
are ready to get fucked up.

I'm sure they will be.

Okay, I'll see you soon.
Peace.

Oh, man! Dude, this is crazy.

She called, she said,

"I can't wait
for you to get there."

That sounds like she fully
wants it, man! Oh, yeah!

Who's gonna give it to her,
huh, my man? You. That's who.

Man.

You guys on MySpace, or...?

Um, officers?
Mm?

I can, uh, answer those
questions now if you want me to.

We get the gist
of it.

You were buying beer,
some guys punched you.

Don't worry about it.
We're not gonna find 'em.

Case closed.

Um, but it was only--

But it was only one guy.

Only one guy?
Shit.

How am I supposed to find
one guy?

This job really isn't how,
you know,

shows like CSI make it
out to be.

I mean, when I first joined
the force, I assumed

there was semen on everything

and there was some,
like, huge semen database

that had every
bad guy's semen in it.

There isn't.
That doesn't exist.

It'd be nice.
Like that crime scene today.

If the man had ejaculated and
then punched you in the face,

we'd have a real good shot
at catching him.

No way.

Just punched in the face,
no semen.

Yeah, no semen.

Story of my life. Oh!

Michaels here, uh,

he's six months in.

He's young, but the Force
is strong with this one.

Learning you are,
young padawan.

Thank you very much.

That's Yoda.

Are you familiar with Yoda?

From Attack of the Clones?

We have a 245 at East 24

and Montgomery,
Bailey's Bar and Grill.

Car 98 on it.

See, Michaels, you always take
a call at a bar because,

uh, better or worse,
you get a beer out of it.

Wow.

Pretty sweet, huh?
True that.

Amazing thinking.
Hey, McLovin.

We got a situation at Bailey's,

so, uh, we'll drop you off
after, all right?

Actually, I kinda have

to be somewhere--
Sweet.

Sit tight.
Set course

for Bailey's Bar and Grill,

warp 10.

Engage.

Yeah.

Welcome to the Thunderdome.

Hey, man, are you sure it's cool
that we're here with you?

Oh, definitely, man.

I'm essentially
best friends with the guy,

so a bunch of my buds
are coming.

Don't worry. We're gonna
rock out with our cocks out.

Just kidding.
We are gonna rock out.

Just go, just go.

What's up? What's up?
What's up?

Hello, hello. Hey, guys.

This is something
a smart person wouldn't do.

Look, just act cool and act
casual, and try and look old.

We'll get the booze and get
the fuck outta here, okay?

Come on. Come on, now.
It's Mark's party.

Come on!

Do it up.

Hey, we should just grab

one of these buckets
and get out of here.

Are you out of your mind?

How are we gonna get
a fucking bucket out?

Hey, man.

What the fuck do you think
you're doing?

What are you--? What?
Nothing. Nothing.

You using my phone?
You weren't invited.

Get the fuck outta here.

Come on, Mark.
It's cool, man.

You using my fucking phone?

You calling
your fucking friends again?

You calling your friends,
your fantastic friends?

Get the fuck outta my house.
Get the fuck outta my house.

Mark, come on, man!
Get the fuck out of my house.

This is my house.
Don't be such a dick, man!

What the fuck?

Mark! You really wanna
do this, man?

You really wanna do this?

Here we go.
We're really gonna do this?

That's right, motherfucker.

Come on, pussy.
Get up, dude.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry, bro.
I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry, bro.

Tiger got out
of the cage, man.

All right? I'm sorry.
Come on, Mark.

Let's just chill.
Everyone just chill out.

Truce, man.

Oh!

Oh!

Right in the nads!

This is for your friends.
Here, have another one.

Shit. Oh, shit,
oh, shit, oh, shit.

Oh, my God. What do we do?

Fuck that. Come on!
Come on!
Choose one.

We can slip out the back, man.

Wait, wait. Come on.
We're here.

Let's just hurry up
and do this.

Are you crazy, man?
You wanna end up like that guy?

Not me. I need my nuts, man,
for a lot of things.

We need this liquor.
You need it. I don't need it.

I'm just gonna tell Becca
how I feel,

and then maybe
she'll get with me, okay?

I'm not gonna get her
drunk out of her mind.

Oh, really? Then how come you
never made a move, you pussy?

Because I respect her, Seth.

I'm not gonna put
unfair pressure on her.

Come on. I don't see a problem.
Let's just do it.

We're leaving, okay?
You wanna get killed for liquor?

No, but I would get killed
for pussy, no questions asked.

Fuck this, man.

You're just gonna bail on me?

I'm going.

Fucking bitch.

Move, people.

Thank you.

Oh, I love this place.

What the hell
is going on in there?

If the bullets start flying,
hit the deck.

You pissed everywhere,
you son of a bitch!

Everywhere? You didn't
see me pissing anywhere.

Hey, sir, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Take your nuts
out of your shells.

All right, Michaels,
I got your back.

Why don't you show this rummy
how we roll?

10-4.

Excuse me, sir.
Stop what you are doing at once.

Blue guys!
Resisting. Resisting!

Whoa!

Slater!
Michaels!
Everybody stay calm.

Everybody stay calm.
Get the fuck outta my way!

Stay calm! Fuck!

Should I shoot him?
No, no, no, no, no, no! No!

Stop him, McLovin!

McLovin, stop him!
Do it, do it, do it, do it!

Ow! Please stop it,
you fucking bum. What the fuck?!

Ah!

Oh... Whew.

McLovin! Nice!

He just came at me.
I took him down.

I'm buying you a beer,
McLovin!

I'm buying you one too.
You guys take note.

That's how you take down
a motherfucker.

That's right!

McLovin
in the fucking house!

Hey.

You dance hot.

Thank you.

Oh, oh...

Okay, okay.
Here we go.

Hello?

Evan, it's Becca.

Oh, Becca. Hi.

Hey. Hello. Hey. Becca.
Becca--

Evan, can you hear me?

Hello? What?

Can you--? Piece of shit!

Guy sells me
a piece of shit fucking phone.

Becca?

It's Becca.

I get one bar
everywhere I fucking go.

What is he saying?

Fucking asshole.

I think--

What happened?

Son-of-a-fucking-bitch company.

What? It's rude. Hello?
Fuck. You suck.

Bullshit phone.
Piece of shit.

I swear I'll bitchslap you
so fucking hard.

What?
Bec--?

Thanks.

This is fucking crazy.

Hey! Look what
fell off the truck!

You're full of shit.

Yeah, I know.

Dude. Dude.
We're so gonna get fucked up.

All right.

Hey.

What is that?

Uh...I don't know. What?

That fucking stain
on your pants, idiot.

What is that?

What are you
talking about, man?

Dude. Is that blood?

What the fuck is that?

Are you bleeding?

I'm not cut or anything.
Why would I be bleeding?

It's fucking blood, man.

Were--? Were you dancing
with some chick in there?

Yeah, so?

It's blood.

Dude, that's not funny.

It's blood, dude.

But why would I be bleeding?
Why the fuck would I be bl--?

Dude, why would there be bl--?

Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.
I'm gonna fucking throw up.

Someone perioded
on my fucking leg?

Oh, shit.

What the fuck do I do?

I've never before
seen that in my life!

This is so disgusting.

Yes, it is.
I'm gonna go get Bill.

He's gotta check this out.
Oh, fuck, yeah.

No. Who's Bill?
What the--? Don't tell Bill!

Bill has nothing
to do with this!

Hey, calm down. Calm down.

Let me get a picture
of that real quick.

No, you can't have a picture!
Dude, stop!

Bill, Bill! Check it out!

This kid's got period blood
on his slacks.

It's merlot.
That's what you don't get.

Hey, Pat! This jerk-off's
got period blood on his pants!

God, man, let me see.

Oh, my God, that's
a fucking man-gina, man.

Hey, do you need a tampon?
I could--

Wait, wait. I have one!
I have one!

Yeah, right? I don't know.

I gotta wash this merlot off.
Is this the line?

What does it look like?
Fuck me, right?

"Uh, yeah, I'm McLovin.
I'd like to buy some--"

Oh!

Shit. Rewind, rewind.

Rewind it. Yeah!

So hard. Do it again.

Oh!

Your legs lifted off
the ground.

Oh, my God.
That is bona fide badass, man.

Oh, you gotta keep that tape,
McLovin. It-- It is badass.

It really is.
Really?

Well, don't you guys, like,
need it for, like, evidence?

No. The only thing
that's evidence of

is you can take a hit
like a champ, man.

Seriously. Take that.
Oh, uh--

Are there any ladies
we'd like to show this tape to?

No.

You don't wanna meet a chick
in a bar, man. Seriously.

That was a major turning point
in my life,

is when I realized that.

You gotta go to other places.

You gotta go to a spin class,
a farmers' market,

pumpkin patch,
given the time of year.

Just somewhere social,
non-threatening.

You know, something like that.

Yeah, I met the missis
at paintball.

Yeah, I shot her in the neck.
And we just...

And we just hit it off,
you know.

My first wife--
Who is a whore, by the way.

--where do you think
I met her?

A bar. A bar.

It was this bar.

It was this bar.

Yeah, it was this bar.

Bought her a Binion's,

complimented her
on her tote bag,

and next thing I know,

she's putting her mouth
around the tip of my penis.

Uh, don't-- You don't have
to tell me that.

Right in there.

She opened up my world,
sexually.

On our wedding night,
we had, uh, group sex.

I mean,
I wasn't involved in it.

But I-- I could hear it
through the wall.
I was.

She was amazing.

And then it was
exactly 23 months later

that I found out
that she was an actual whore.

We discovered her
on the street.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

She was bad.
Fucking whoring bitch.

But you got
a new wife now, so...

Yeah... Yeah, yeah. Yeah!

And, uh, she is wonderful.

Nice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'll meet her.

You know what? I bet I know
your trick, McLovin.

You play the whole myst--

Calling all units.

Armed and dangerous man
in the vicinity.

Just turn that off.

Send backup!
There's so much blood--

I bet you play the whole
mysterious-guy thing, right?

Yeah, seriously.
How's it going with the ladies?

Um... Uh...

It's not the going
with the ladies I care about,

heh, it's the coming.

Heh.

I get it!

What is it?
What is it?

blaah!
Like coming.

Oh!

That's funny.

Oh, my God.
That is really funny.

Whoo! Tshh.

All right, uh,
looks like we got a call.

We can't pay for these.
10-4.

We'll be right there.

Speedy Gonzales, let's go.

We should get
some road beers.

Hell, yeah,
we should get some road beers.

Can I have 13 beers to go,
please?

Please! God, my fucking leg.

Fuck.

I think it's him. Shh.
Oh, is it him?

Uh, hello?
Hey, Becca.

Hi, I had a bad reception.
So... Um...

about your Goldslick...

Oh, guys, shut up.

Hey, what's going on
over there?

Oh, it's nothing.
It's just--

Um, I was just calling,
you know,

to see if you were coming,

'cause I thought
maybe you were stuck at,

like, a nightclub,

or a cocktail party
or something.

Ha. No, no, I-I'm gonna
be there f-for sure.

Full throttle.

Charlie's Angels 2.
Awesome.

I can't wait to see you. Evan?
Okay, bye.

...that was the first time
I ever did coke.

Off that bitch's nipple.
That was so--

- Snow White sniff.
- That was awesome.

That was gorgeous.

Hey, hey, hey. You guys,
stay in this room, man.

They're gonna kill
that guy tonight.

That chick's boyfriend
is pissed.

Yeah. And he's a beast.

I've been praying for a fight.

Literally waking up
every morning and praying

to see a fucking fight.
Fucking wacko.

Hey, hey, hey.
Who's that guy?

Hi.
Who is that guy?

Who's this guy?
Pleasure to see you fellas.

Everyone.

Who are you?
I'm nobody.

No, no, no. I know you.
I know you.

He was at that party with me.
The one I was telling you about.

No, no.
Who is it?

Remember? He's Jimmy's brother.
The guy. The singer.

No.
He's the guy

with the beautiful voice
I was telling you about.

The fucking singer,
Jimmy's brother!

That's not me, man.

Oh, my God.
Sing for us. Sing.

"It's not me"?
You fucking lying?

No, I don't mean
to accuse you guys

of being ill-informed,
but--

My brother came from Scottsdale,
Arizona to be here tonight.

You're not gonna sing for him?

Fucking bullshit.
Sing.

You're a fucking singer.

You sing and you sing good.

Sing it again.
Like a bird.

No, I know, I just--
I want to.

You want a line of cocaine?
No way, man.

Yeah.
Don't make this weird. Sing.

- Sing it again.
- Turbo.

Fuck! Over?

Okay, watch this.
I'll get it right on the nose.

You're gonna fuck it up.
You're gonna fuck it up. Bugger!

Under!

I feel hammered.
That doesn't make any sense.

You're a fucking pussy.
Okay, okay. Great, great.

Okay, McLovin,

see if you can do it.

Kid's gonna nail it.
Come on.

Do it, buddy.
Come on, buddy!

Bring it.
0.08, booya, motherfuckers!

Man!

That's my boy!

Beginner's luck.
Beginner's luck.

So, what's it like
to have guns?

Mmm.
It is awesome, McLovin.

I mean, it's mindbl--
It's great.

I haven't had one for long,
a few months,

but I'll tell you,
it's like having two cocks.

Yep.

If one of your cocks
could kill someone.

Can--? Can I hold one?

What?

Can I hold one of your guns?

Yeah, sure.
Fine with me.

Why not?

Everyone should hold a gun
at least a couple times.

Oh, yeah, there you go.

Have a blast.
"Have a blast."

That's funny.

I've never held
one of these before.

Are they hard
to shoot?

Uh, well, if you're Michaels,
they are.

What?
He can't shoot worth dick.

I can shoot.
What are--? Wait.

You think I can't shoot
worth dick?

I tell you, you cannot.

I shot that cat last week.
It was already dead, man.

I still shot it.
That cat was dead.

There's only one way
to settle this, guys.

Shoot-off.
Shoot-off.

Shoot-off!
Shoot-off!

Mark, Mark, that's him.
Johnny Cash.

Right there.

Oh, you got a stain too.

We're blood brothers.
Shut the fuck up.

Where do you get off
dancing with my fiancée?

No, I wasn't dancing. I don't
even dance. That's the thing.

I've never even tried it,
so it's, like,

weird that you'd think that.

Talk about the hurting.

Woo.
Yeah.

She broke it.
You broke it.

Yeah.

Yo! Fight!
Move it.

Go, check this out!
Oh, fuck!

What the hell is this?
Hmm?

I don't fucking--
It's detergent.

Yeah, what are you doing
with it?

Fucking blood on my pants.

Whoa.

Get down!

What the fuck is this
all about, man? Are you--?

Well, fuck me.

Fellas. Ah!

Oh, shit, I've been tackled
by little girls!

You die! You're next!
Oh!

I should fucking kill you,

you motherfucker!

Hold him, Jimmy's brother!
Hold him!

What do you mean "hold him"?
No. No way.

You humiliated me.
I'm sorry!

You used my leg as a tampon.

I'm calling the cops.

Evan! Come on!

Move!

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Yeah. Fifth and Paysview.

Hurry.

Mark, I called the cops.
You should hide your gun.

You're a fucking pussy.

Don't listen to him, officer.

If you make this, we're
no longer friends, Michaels.

You're a fucking pussy.
Cheating. You're cheating.

Ah, fuck me.
There you are!

Suck on my nuts, Slater!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right,
that was a lucky shot.

That was a lucky shot.

Wa-bam! I rule!

All right.
I got jizzed on. All right.

Can I shoot one?
Here, go nuts. Go nuts.

Have a good time, man.

Empty the clip.
Empty the clip on it, man.

Shit! Cops!

The cops!
Bail, bail, bail!

Shotgun, shotgun.
Damn it!

No. Shotgun.

Whoooooo!

What a rush.

What do you guys wanna do?

Man, let's get drunk.
Let's get more fucked up!

You're fucking living
the dream, Michaels.

Oh, man.

This is gonna be
the best night ever.

We've got a 257 at Fifth
and Paysview.

Shit.
All units in the area report

to Fifth and Paysview.

Car 98, that's you. Do it.

Fuck.

Shit.
Shit.

Car 98 on it.
You dumb fucking whore.

Hey, did she say
we're gonna get

to, like, shoot somebody
or something?

Oh, God, I wish.

Nah, it's probably
some lame house party.

We'll drop you off after.
That cool?

Yeah, man. Let's show
these fuckers how we roll!

You fucking prick.

What?

You bailed on me.

I didn't bail on you.

Yeah, you did.

You said you were
gonna do something

and you didn't do it.

That's bailing.

You're the one that dragged me
to that fucking party

with those lunatics, man.

I didn't bail on you.

You bailed on me, okay?

You bailed on me this morning
when Jesse spat on me

and you're bailing
on me next year.

Fuck--? It finally comes out.
That's good, man.

We were supposed to go
to college together, Evan.

Since we were kids,
since elementary school,

that's all we've ever
talked about,

was us going together,

and you got
into fucking Dartmouth.

You're making me feel
like I'm a bad guy.

Like-- What am I--?
I didn't do anything wrong.

I got into a good school.

How the fuck am I supposed
to get into Dartmouth?

You knew I couldn't get in.

How fucking selfish are you?

You had no problem letting
Fogell take the fall back there,

you don't want me going
to a good school.

Fuck, man!
So, what the fuck do you want?

I'm not gonna let you
slow me down anymore, Seth.

What are you saying?

I've wasted the last three years
of my life

sitting around talking bullshit
with you, man.

Instead of chasing girls
and making friends,

I've just sat around
wasting all my time with you.

And now I'm going to college
a fucking friendless virgin.

Is this about Becca?
This is about some girl, man?

I like her.
Who gives a fuck?

She's some fucking girl.

Gonna go out with her
for two years? What about after?

Fuck you, man,
you're a piece of shit.

Fuck you!

And next time you're
pissed off about something,

don't keep it inside
for 10 years,

say it like a fucking man!

Don't touch me.
Fuck you!

Hey, McLovin, are the numbers
on your side odd or even?

I don't know.
It's too dark to see.

We got flashlights.

Oh, that's true.

Bing.

Where the fuck are we?

Hey, Slater.
What's that?

Slater.

Now, young Michaels,
you will die.

All right. Come on, stop it.
What, you can't see?

You can't see.
I can't see. Fuck it.

How you like it?
Hey, fuck off, that hurts.

You stop first.
Not until you stop.

Stop it, asshole.
Hey, you stop.

Fuck you, Evan!

Don't fucking touch me.

Why did you do that?

Oh, my God.

Are you guys gonna make sure
he's okay?

Go out there and check on him.
You check.

You go out there.
Fuck that. You go.

Balls.

Okay, we'll both go out there
and check on him.

I can't believe
this is happening again.

What are the odds?

Is everyone okay?

Yeah, we're great,
thanks.

Hey, hey.

Where's the love?

H-he's okay.
He's fine.

Stand over next
to your friend.

Get over there.
I got 'em.

You got these guys?
Mm-hm.

You boys doing
a bit of drinking tonight?

No, officer. Not at all.
Not-- We--

We found those.

I don't believe you.

Freeze.
Stand right there.

We're telling the truth.
Keep it going.

Don't be a hero tonight, guys.
Wrong night for that.

Yeah. Do what you have to do.

Spread your shit!
Get on the ground!

Loaded gun,
ready to go.

Spread your shit.
Pussies on the pavement, fellas.

Come on!

Please,
don't shoot, sir.

"P-please, don't shoot."

Just shut up
and spread your shit!

I am the law, okay?

Now hold hands.

What?
Why?

Because you don't want
an asshole where your face

used to be,
"Whaling" Jennings.

Hold his fucking hand!

Just fucking hold
my hand.

There.

That's not so hard, is it?

Here, McLovin,
have a cigarette.

Smoke up.
Life's short, you know.

Suck it in,
my friend.

Suck it long and deep.

Enjoy it.

McLovin, McLovin, McLovin,
McLovin.

You like Officer Slater
and myself?

Yeah, you guys--
You guys are awesome.

Thanks.

We really like you too,
McLovin.

So here's
what's about to happen.

We're gonna arrest
these two guys

and you're gonna write
a witness report

saying they leapt
in front of our car

like madmen and there
was nothing we could do

to avoid them.
Sound cool?

Yeah, that's fine.
Good.

That's good.
Pretend he's your little sista.

Your little sista
with the...

What the fuck?

Fagell?

Shit!
Shit!

Run! Run!

Wait.

Hold on,
I gotta get all the booze.

Seth, wait up!

McLovin bailed!

Chase the kid!

Stop!

That's one fast kid.

I want a ride, you hear me?!
You can't unarrest me!

McLovin!
Come on.

McLovin!

McLovin! Why?!

McLovin, come back!

Ow, my hand! Monster!

Nicole. Nicole, get Daddy.

Get Daddy.
Get Daddy!

Oh, shit.
Get away from my kids!

You sick sons of bitches!

Ow! What the fuck?!

Michaels, are you okay?

It's just beer.
Give me a break.

It's just beer.

Aw, man up. What happened?
What, did you lose him?

He's a freak.

He's the fastest kid alive.

This is not good.

He's the fastest kid alive.

"Fastest kid alive" my ass.
Come on. What are we gonna do?

I'll shoot my gun in the air.

Give me a fucking warning
before you do it.

I'll scare him out
of wherever he's hiding.

This isn't gonna do shit.

Shh. Shh.
Get in the car. Get in the car.

This is your fault,
you piece of--

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
They shot Seth.

They fucking shot Seth,
I know it.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Should I run?
Yes!

- Fuck. Stop!
- Stop the bus!

Stop it!
It's stopping.

It's stopping.
Oh, thank God.

Hey, Evan,
pay for me, please.

That's me and him.

Hey, hey! It's you.

McMuffin.

You know this guy?
It's--

Ain't got no cop people to help
you keep your booze now, do you?

Hey! Back the fuck up, man!
Gimme it.

Or I'll beat the shit
out of you!

Give me the booze.

Hey. Back the fuck up.

Back the fuck up.
Back the fuck up.

Please, please, calm down, sir.

Gooooldsliiiick!

Get off the bus
or I'm calling the cops.

Eat shit, bum.

Oh, shit, guys.
We're three blocks away, man.

We made it. We made it
with the booze and everything.

We made it.

Hold this.

I can't believe
you still have the liquor.

It's awesome.

Yeah, I told you
the idea would work.

I fooled those cops.

I'm McLovin. Whoo!

I am McLovin.

Whoo!

Why do you guys
have detergent?

I don't understand why
you were smoking cigarettes

with those cops.

Because I fucking rule.

Aw, we are so gonna
get laid tonight.

I am. I'm gonna get laid.

We're finally gonna get
our drinks on.

Chicka-chicka. Yeah.

I can't believe
Becca's bottle broke.

I'm sure it'll be fine.
Yeah.

I thought
you didn't need it.

You were gonna tell her
how you feel.

Good luck getting Jules drunk
enough to have sex with you.

What's wrong with you guys?
Nothing.

You two femmes can talk
about it next year

at your little
slumber party.

Oh, you told him.

Told me what?

Yeah, you're an idiot,
Fogell.

Well, we gotta tell him now.
No, we--

Well, he knows
something's up.

What are you guys talking about?
Tell me right now.

Seth, me and Evan
are rooming together next year.

What's the big deal?

"Oh, my God,
Fogell's rooming with Evan."

Jeez, why don't you go
cry about it?

I didn't tell you because--

'Cause you're a backstabber?

And you lied to your best friend
and you just don't care anymore?

I didn't expect this
from you, Evan.

Not from you.

Give me that booze, Fagell.

We never should have had
to hide our arrangement.

Seth's here.
Seth, you're here.

Hi. Everybody, Seth has got it.

Evan.
Gaby, hey.

Where have you been?
You almost blew it.

What are you talking about?

Becca.
She's been waiting for you.

She's over there.

She's way smashed.

And she's been yammering
about you all night.

Really? What was she saying?

S-she-- She told you
that she thinks I'm a good guy?

No, no.

"I will fully blow him
tonight."

What?

I know.

Yeah.

But she's totally hammered,
and if I get with her

and I'm not drunk,
isn't that, like, unethical?

Oh.
Not if you're drunk too.

I guess-- Uh...

To Seth.
To Seth!

All right.

Who the fuck is Seth?

I'm Seth!

Let's do another one to me.

Oh, boy.

Calm down. Calm down, man.

Calm down.
She likes you.

She wants to suck
on your penis.

It's a good thing.

It's the best...

thing.

Just down the hatch.

Fogell. 'Sup?

Oh.

Evan, hey. Evie, come here.

Can you please help me up?

I fell down and these assholes
won't help me up.

Shit.
Oh.

Uh, thank you.

I have been waiting for you
for, like, ever.

What took you so long?
Oh, I know, it--

No, I can't even--
Oh, do you--?

Do you have my Goldslick?

Oh, it's such
a crazy story, okay?

I-I-- I swear I was--

It doesn't even matter.

Look. Look what we--
Hm?

We can just drink this.

Here.
Oh, no.

You could have a drink.

I'm already pretty wasted.
Take a drink!

Okay, here's to...you.
This is to Becca.

To Becca.

To the respecting--
Guys.

--women.

To...

people respecting women.

Okay.

Yeah.

You're
a lightweight.

Um, hey.

Mm?

You and me...we should
go upstairs, 'cause, um--

'Cause I need
to tell you something.

Okay?

Oh, you could just
tell me here, I mean...

I can't tell you
because...it's a secret.

For you.

From me.
All right.

So, come. Come on.

Bye, guys!
Bye.

Bye-bye.
Bye.

You changed your name
to McLovin?

Wow.

That's so cool.
Thanks.

So, like, what's Hawaii like?

Hm?

All right. I am back.

I had to thank the peeps
for coming out, you know.

Jules.

I want you to have
a drink with me.

Just drink some of this.
You're gonna love it.

I--
You're tot-- I know

you're gonna love it.

You know, I--
It's green beer...

for your information.

You know,
I'm actually good...

right now. Thank you.

And, uh, thank you very much
for bringing everything, again.

Seriously. It really made
the night, so...

No, that's how I roll.
That's the thing.

It's no problems.
You'll learn that.

I love talking...

and conversing with you.

But I can't hear you, though,
'cause the music is so loud.

So...do you wanna go
outside and--

And talk more?

Um...

Yeah. Sorry, sure.

You know, why not?
Let's do it.

I haven't conversed
in ages.

Okay. Ladies--

Ladies first.
Okay.

Thank you very much.

No problem.
Watch your step,

I fell earlier today.

Are you serious?
Well, I was hit by a car.

It's a long story.

Oh, shit. Careful.

Okay, well...

So loud.
Mmm.

Don't let the parents hear.

You look so pretty.

Are you okay?

I so flirt with you in math.

Tell me about it.
I-- Samesies.

I--

I've wanted
to tell you for so long...

that you're the best...girl.
I know.

I've wanted to get with you,
like, so...hard.

Like, so hard.

You're the best.

We'll take this sweater off.
I think so.

Just be careful, 'cause it's
a meaningful sweater to me.

It's vintage.
Okay.

Bought it at that...

vintage market.
Just hurry.

And this one.

It's off.

Oh, hey-- Wait, careful.

Aah!
Oh, shit.

Oh, my...
Put that there.

Now, lookie, lookie...
Okay.

Oh, my gosh.
...what I got for you

under here.
You are the prettiest girl...

this side of the Mississippi.

You look so pretty.
And...

Look so pretty.

...under there.

Hello. Heh.

Whoo!

Oh, you're--
It's the best.

You're so...unique.

Come here.

Evie, kiss me.

I like you so much.

Come on, McLovin.

I've never been
with an older guy before.

Well, it's...way better.

I know, we made some
kick-ass tiramisu earlier.

It was deli--
It looked weird.

But it was delicious.

Whoa!

What--?

What's wrong?

I ju-- Um...

I would prefer if we would
just do that at, um...

At some other...time.

No, there is no other...time.
School is up.

What's wrong with right now?
Well, I mean, you're--

You're drunk.

You're, like, really,

really--
So? You're drunk.

You're drunk, Jules.

Yeah, uh, um, I'm actually--
I'm not...drunk at all.

I don't even drink.
So it's-- I mean...

Jules, you drink.
You drink.

Everybody-- You--
You had me get liquor.

So you drink. It's like...

Uh, well, yeah, 'cause
I'm throwing a party, remember?

'Cause other people drink,
and so I just--

You don--?

You don't wanna...

you know?

Not...uh, right now.

You know, not while...

you're drunk.

But, you know,
thank you.

No, thank you.

Evan. Evan.
Hm?

I'm so wet.

Oh, yeah.
Mmm.

Oh, yeah, they said
that would happen

in Health...when
I learned about it.

Yeah.
Yeah.

They taught me about--

Oh!

Who's down there?

Yeah, it's your hand.

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh...
Thank you.

That's good.
You have such a smooth cock.

Thank you. You would too,
if you were a man.

You got
such a smooth...chest.

I am gonna give you...

the best blow-J ever...

with my mouth.
Uh--

Um, why don't we just--

Why don't we just kiss
a while, instea--?

Why don't we just keep kissing--
Okay.

--for a bit, cause--
Instead of--

How badly do you wanna fuck me?

Jesus Christ. Heh.

Jesus, fuck.

What?
Hang on a sec. One second.

I don't think
you wanna do this.

You're really drunk.

No, I'm not. I--
I am not drunk.

I see that you are.
And I--

I think you are.
I really--

I want you inside me.

I want you to be my first.
I want you inside me.

Uh--
So just-- Just go with it.

Wha-- What?
Let it happen.

Oh, I know, but...

this is kind of intense.

Um, and I just--
I'm just so drunk--

I can't even, like,
process this.

And, um...
you're really pretty.

And I just think,
this isn't how I pictured it.

I don't understand
why you have to be

such a little bitch
about it.

You just call me a bitch?

Yes, a scared--

See, I, like-- I think
we're not thinking clear--

Ah, holy shit!
Oh, my God.

Go get Gaby!

I'll go get her.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Go get Gaby,
please.

I got a boner. Heh.

Good.

Do you have a condom?

Yes.

And lube. Heh.

Seth.

Uh, are--?
Are you crying?

No, I just have s--
Something in both my eyes.

I don't cry. Funny.
You look-- You look--

It looks
like you're crying.

So wha--?

It's my last chance,
and I fucked it up, and--

Your last chance to do what?

To make you my girlfriend
for the summer.

You're, like, the coolest person
that's ever talked to me.

I thought we'd both be drunk--

What does me being drunk
have anything to do with it?

Never get with me
if you were sober.

Look at you.

Look at me.

Seth, come on,
you didn't blow it.

I think maybe--

What the fuck?!

Help me.

Ow!

Shirley.

I'm sorry.

Someone forgot
to call pest control.

Yep.

Where you going?
Party's on.

Where you going?
Oh, no.

If you're back there,
get out.

Everyone, come on!

We will
shoot you.

Party's over.
Evan?

Get the hell outta here.
Keep your hands up.

Life's bullshit,
Miroki.

Ev, wake the fuck up, man.

We gotta go! Those fucking cops
are here, man.

"Oh, no,
it's the cops."

Evan, come on!

Get outta here,
right now.

Get out of here.
She's not interested.

Drop the crantini.
Move it, sister.

See ya, sugar tits.

Guys, come on, move!
Everybody out.

Leave the booze and go.

What the fuck, man?

What the fuck, Seth?

He's my best friend.
Oh, shit!

Oh, shit. Come on.

I assume you all
have guns and crack.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Come on. Don't stop.

Whoa.

Okay, everyone,

prepare to be fucked
by the long dick of the law.

Get out.

Come on, go.

Aah! Fuck off, Seth!

Get a room.

I'm gonna save you.
I'm gonna save you, Evan.

Fuck.

Ow.

Fuck. Fuck, man.
So heavy.

It's in.
Oh, my God, it's in.

All right, everybody out.
Come on, let's go.

McLovin!

Oh!

What the fuck?!
Officer Slater, is that you?

You ran away from us!
Why'd you run away from us?

Michaels, get up here!
No. I didn't run away.

What the fuck?
I didn't run away. I--

Why would you do that?!
I was just all disoriented--

Were you violating that girl?!
No.

You just violated her
with your penis?

Michaels, look.
McLovin!

No, no, no-- No.

Whoa.

Holy shit. Were you just
getting laid?

No. Well...
yeah, I was, but--

Yes, he was.

It's not what
you think, guys.

I'm not--
Sit the fuck down.

You sit the fuck down!
Whoa. No.

I thought we were friends,

and then you go
running away from me!

Contain yourself!

We're friends!

Shut up!

Calm down. Calm down, man.
Why? What?

You just cock-blocked McLovin.

Okay? He's our friend.
We don't do that.

We should be guiding his cock,
not blocking it.

Just relax, okay?
Let's make this right.

Wait, what are you--?
What are you guys doing?

No, please, I can't--
I can't go to jail.

Please, I can't go to jail.

No, look...

We're really sorry,
McLovin.

This-- This is--
This has gone on--

This has gone way
too far.

What?
What are you talking about?

We know you're not 25, man.

We're not idiots, McLovin.
Yeah.

Well, did you know
the whole time?

Look...

when we were your age,
we hated cops.

When we saw you
in the liquor store,

we just--

I guess we saw a bit
of ourselves, you know?

And, um...

we just wanted
to show you

that, you know, c-cops can
have a fun time too.

Yeah.
You know?

You know, in a way...

I think we wanted
to show ourselves.

Also, I'm--

I'm really sorry
that I blocked your cock.

Apology accepted.

Seriously, man.

- Oh...
- That feels good.

Oh, it feels so good.
I missed you guys.

I just wish we could make it up
to you somehow, man.

Well, do you think you can do me
a really big favor?

What is it?
Anything.
Name it.

Kid's fucking crazy.

Stay back for your own safety.

Get off me, you fucking cops!
Get your hands off me!

Do you know who I am?!
I'm Fogell!

Aah! I'm--
The joint can't hold me!

Holy shit,
Fogell's a badass.

I am gonna break your glasses,
you fucking cop.

You can't hold me!
Fucking pigs.

Oh!

Oh, shit. Oh!

Nice mullet, asshole.

You crazy!
This kid's crazy. He's nuts!

Well, we caught
the infamous Fogell.

Get your hands--
Wait for me, Nicola!

Wait for me on the outside!

We were gonna go
to Hawaii.

Man, that's gonna get you
so much ass.

Seriously?

I know what to do
about the car.

Sweet.

Fucking go.
Fucking throw up.

Are you carrying me?

No, I'm saving you
from the cops.

You saved me?

Well, I don't know
what you're talking about,

but thanks.

Can I--?
Should I just walk?

Uh, should I walk?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Where do you wanna go?

Sleepover at my house?

You wanna come sleep?

Okay.

Okay.

Does your mom
still have pizza bagels?

Yeah. Lots.
Pizza bagels.

So by signing this,
you are officially saying

that as we stopped you
from being mugged,

a crackhead stole our cruiser
and did God knows what with it.

You cool to sign that?
Of course.

I owe you guys my life.

We owe you, Mc--

What's your real name again?
Fogell.

Ah, fuck that.
We're calling you McLovin.

McLovin.

Let's do this dance!

That was crazy!

All right, now, guys.
Check this out.

Probably the greatest move
in doughnut-spinning history.

You paying attention?

Behold,
the upward-spiraling pigtail.

Why is it called that?

I don't know! Ha-ha-ha!

Make the badge proud, Slater.

He's not usually this drunk
when he does this,

but I think that could
make it more cool.

McLovin!

Oh, no.

Fuck.

Oh!

Oh!
Slater!

Officer Slater!

All right.
Fucking crazy.

Let's do this.

Hurry, hurry, let's go.
I'm going, I'm going.

Go, go.
I'm going, I'm going.

I'm out, I'm out.
Here we go, here we go.

Yeah? Yeah, okay.
Back up!

Don't blow yourself up,
asshole.

Oh!

Yes.

Oh, my God.

It worked. It worked!

Whoo!

We won. We won.

Can we shoot at it?

I don't know. Can you?

Break yoself, fool!

Tight.

Listen, and then she said
she was gonna give me a blow-J.

I can't believe
she said that to you.

Man, you have no idea.
What was she thinking?

You don't even know.

I gotta tell you.

I gotta tell you something,
Evan.

What?

I was in your room, like,
three weeks ago

while you were taking a shit.

And I saw your housing,
like, forms.

So I knew you and Fogell

were gonna live together,
you know.

I'm sorry, man,
I don't know.

I should've told you.

I don't know why I didn't.

Don't-- No, don't be sorry.
I should be sorry.

I was being a dick.
I was being a big dick to you.

No, I-- Uh--

Listen, Seth,
I want you to know,

I don't wanna live
with Fogell.

I never wanted to live
with him.

I just don't-- I ha-- I--

I'm afraid to live
with strangers.

I can't--

I can't do it.

I know, I know.

I can't believe you saved me.

You saved me. Heh.

I can't believe.
I owe you so--

You carried me.

I love you.

I love you, man.

I love you.

I love you.

I'm not...even embarrassed
to say it. I just--

I lo-- I love you.

I'm not embarrassed.
I love you.

I love you.

It's like-- Why don't we say
that every day?

Why can't we say it
more often?

I just love you.
I just wanna go

"I love my best friend, Evan."

We should go up
on my roof.

For sure.

Like, when you went away
for Easter, wha--

On your vacation...

I missed you.

I missed you too.

I want the world to know.

It's-- It's-- It's
the most beautiful thing

in the world.

Boop-boop-boop.

Come here. Come here, man.

I love you.

I love you.

What the fuck?

What up?

Morning. Morning.

I should get moving.
I should get moving.

I should be getting
a move on, for "sho."

Yeah, you don't have-- I mean,
you don't have to, you know.

I don't really
have anything...going on.

Uh, you don't have
to rush off like that.

You wanna hang out?

I was, uh, gonna go
to the mall.

I have to get, uh,
a new comforter...

for college.

The mall,
they would sell that.

Cool. So, uh...

Your mom's got huge tits.

What do you think?

I don't know, man.
Don't ask me.

'Cause I-I don't give
a shit how pants look.

Yeah, I need
someone's opinion.

Those are too tight. Heh.

Those are way too tight.

Yeah, but, like--

Way too tight.
You need to upgrade.

But when I was wearing
your dad's pants last night,

I realized that if I wear pants
that are, like,

a little too small,
it might encourage me

to lose a little weight.

And also chicks can
kind of see,

like, you know, the borders
and outline of my dick a little.

Yeah, man,
they go nuts for that.

The male camel toe.

Yeah, the camel tail.
It's-- It's right--

I know where it is,
where it happens.

Like, right there.

See-- It-- They're so tight
that one ball is, like,

above my dick, even.

Yeah, exactly.
It's like three.

It's like a three thing.
It's like ball, dick, ball.

It's like--
It's like a division sign.

It's like a bunch
of people crammed into a van.

You know, I just wish
you would take these off.

You're right,
these look stupid.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

I'm really sorry
about that.

I can't believe
I actually did that.

Did-- I feel bad that I'm making
you buy me a new one.

It's seems, like, ridiculous.

No. I have to, it's puke.

It's gross.
Oh, my God.

Do alcoholics get
hangovers?

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
It's them.

What the fuck
do we do, man?

Don't stop. I don't know.

Hey.
Hey.

How's it going?
Hey.

It's so good to--
How are you feeling?

I've felt better. Heh.

But I'll be fine.
How 'bout you?

I'm okay.

D-did you have fun
last night?

Uh...

You know,
I actually don't remember much.

I don't remember anything.
Heh.

So weird.

Nothing.

Um...

I didn't puke on you, did I?

Uh, you didn't.
I remember that you--

I avoided it. It whizzed
right by me, and I said,

"Stay away from me,"
you know.

I'm really sorry
about everything last night,

and I just...

Thank you for being
such a nice guy about it all.

Oh, that's okay, you know.

At least you don't have
a black eye from it.

That looks terrible.

Yeah.

You look great.
You don't look terrible.

It's just, like,
a bad bruise.

Everything's great,
just from he--

This, just like right there.

Your eye.
Yeah, your eye.

Everything else
is great.

But seriously, I--

I acted like a fucking idiot
last night.

You don't deserve that.

So I'm sorry.

On the upside,

I think you look cool
with a black eye.

I'm just gonna throw
that out there.

I don't--
I don't know.

Well, thank you,
smart guy. Thanks.

That's actually, uh,
why I'm here.

Because I have to get
a ton of cover-up

for, uh, the grad photo.

Oh, man. Fuck.

And I'm gonna get Jules
a new comforter.

I have to get a comforter too.
For college.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah,

I just figured
I would need one.

So, Seth...

So do you wanna come
buy me cover-up or something?

I mean, you kind of owe me.

Yeah, definitely.
I would love to do that.

I ha-- I had, uh,
such bad acne last year

that I pretty much became,
like, an expert on the stuff.

Well, you drove.

E-Evan drove me here,
though, so...

Well, so I-- Well, I mean,
I have-- I have my dad's car.

So I could just give you a lift

and then Evan could
take Becca home.

If that works. I don't know
if it's in your route.

That would be fine
with me.

Fine, yeah. Do--
Maybe we can get some food.

Yeah, I'd like that.

So I guess
I'll call you, then.

Yeah, give me a call.
Yeah, you have my number.

I have your information.
So, uh, put her there.

Perfect.
So, uh...

Good. Uh, all right, man.

Okay.
Okay, guys.

Becca.
Bye, guys.

Bye, have fun.
See you, Jules.

Yeah, that's funny. Too funny.

Where do you wanna go to eat?

So can you honestly
help me figure out

what kind of cover-up to get?

'Cause, I mean,
I don't know

if I should get, like,
an oil-based kind...

Oh, welcome to the party, baby.

Let me get my freak on.

Yeah. Are you ready?

Hit me now.

Oh, stroke that funk, McLovin.

Oh, stroke that funk.
Yeah.

McLovin in the house.

Burnin' up. Come on.

What you drawing, baby?

Don't let the teacher see you.

I need some McLovin.

Yeah, baby.

Stroke that funk, McLovin.

Uh, superbad, baby.

Super what?

I said I'm superbad, baby.

Yeah, that's
what I'm talking about.

Are you McLovin it?

I love you.