Original subtitles

Come on, balls.

Play some D.

Hey. Hey, how was practice?

Great. We came up with a name for Tina's basketball team.

I wanted to call us the Big Balls.

Really? Because we play with the big balls.

We went with the Raptors.

Whatever. I like big balls.

Yeah, well, they're no fun when you're horseback riding.

You know, I'm really glad I got dragged into coaching Peanut's basketball team.

It's been great spending a little extra time with her. Yeah, she's growing up so

fast. You don't want to look back and feel you missed out.

Her first game is on Saturday.

Yeah, I'm going to miss that.

Well, you have to go. I just bought the NBA sports package. I'm not wasting my

Saturdays watching a bunch of midgets running circles.

Made that mistake once with that Lord of the Rings movie.

I'm not going to miss the whole NBA season. It's only for six weeks. Aren't

children worth at least that?

Tina, you're getting better.

Hey, you said we were going to see Jordan play.

Yeah, there she is, Tina's friend, Jordan.

No, you specifically said Michael Jordan.

Oh, yeah, that was a lie.

Hey, check out the other team's coach.

Ted Halverson? That pompous jerk.

Some people shouldn't have children.

That's a little harsh.

No, I meant me, so I wouldn't have to be here looking at Ted Halverson.

I'm going across the street to buy a beer. You can't bring a beer in here.

Can't if it's in my stomach.

Halverson. Miller.

Mrs. Halverson.

Miller.

Spending a Saturday supporting your kids' activities? What happened? Sulfur

burned down?

Don't even joke about that. I just happened to be here to watch Tina's team

your team's butt.

Yeah, well, it's not about winning. It's about having fun.

Ah, smoking like a loser from Loserville, Louisiana.

Major export, losers.

Bill, you're not going to get his kettle to boil. Ted's not as competitive now

that he's using the techniques he learned in anger management.

It was the only way the league would give me one more shot at coaching.

I disagreed with a call last year, and I may have overreacted a little bit.

Tipped over a few trash cans and a minivan.

Meanwhile, I did apologize and pay for the damage. My videotape did prove that

the ref was wrong about that call.

Bitch.

Ted, relax.

You're the clover, pretty flowers. Reach in your pocket and rub your worry

stone. Hey, there are children here.

It's a relaxation tool.

I agree, but still, there are children here.

Call to yourself.

Yay!

Beauty's a great coach.

The Raptors are tearing those twinkle fairies a new twinkle.

I know.

I'm going to lose a bundle.

You bet on the game.

I got some action going. Number 12's brother, Zach.

And I got a tip on the next game.

The Red Devils center forgot to take a Ritalin.

And third quarter.

Hey, how... Culverson, do I hear a vacuum cleaner, or is that just the

your team sucking?

Miller, you could take your attitude and you could shove it. Ted Field of

Clover.

Everyone's a winner when they try their best.

Judy's team is very good. All that time she spent watching sports instead of her

children is really paying off.

Yes, it is.

Well, I guess this means the Raptors have a good shot at the regional

Ha -ha.

I'm sure I'm going to miss those extra six weeks of games.

Well, what extra six weeks?

Well, that's how long the postseason lasts.

Six weeks?

Yeah, so much fun.

Riding on the bus with the kids, doing the thing -alongs, painting the

the team colors.

Bus, thing -alongs, toenails. Six weeks?

Okay, Miller, don't rub it in.

Daddy, I want to play without my shoes, because unicorns don't wear shoes.

What a good choice.

We've got to make sure the Raptors lose, and by at least six points.

That's the spread Zach gave me.

If the Raptors get to the playoffs, Judy's going to make me go. Then I can

my whole NBA cable package goodbye.

You want the Raptors to lose?

Put Tina in.

She's like the clown prince of basketball.

Fitz, it's not your place to make fun of my lame -o daughter.

That said, great idea.

When's Tina going to play? In the car ride home with her Game Boy. Judy, Judy,

this game's not just about winning. It's about having fun.

Have you seen Tina play?

It's not fun.

Come on, she's not that bad. Hey, Tina, heads up.

Whoa!

Hey,

Lauren, I brought my kitty over to meet you.

I thought you and Perry weren't leaving for Hawaii until next month. Yeah, well,

if you're going to kitty -sit Lulu, I want her to get a chance to know you

because she's very attached to her mommy, isn't she?

Okay, honey, I'm going to let you out so you can meet your cousin Lori.

Cousin? Just go with it. She's very sensitive about being adopted.

She's also sensitive about that hobo costume you made her wear for Halloween.

Shh! She picked that out herself.

Baby.

Someone's having a quabby -wabby day.

Honey, she's not going to come out for me. She's certainly not going to come

out.

Hello.

Oh, she's so sweet.

She's obviously disoriented.

Mommy's right here.

phone with the league rep, the Cougars lost, which means the Raptors are three

wins away from going to the playoffs.

Oh, you gotta be so proud.

I heard Pat Halverson lost another player. There was a kiddie bake oven

accident.

She'll be okay.

She'll never have fingerprints again.

What's she gonna do?

It's going to have to drop out of the league. You have to have seven girls.

probably for the best. They were never going to make the playoffs.

Never make the playoffs, huh?

Poor Halverson.

You know what would be a nice thing to do?

Give him one of your players.

Are you serious?

Well, you can spare one, and then the Twinkle Fairies could at least play out

the season.

Hey, here's a thought. Give him Tina.

What?

Betraying my own daughter?

But you barely put her in the game.

That's why you should give her to Halverson. She'll probably get to play

and you won't feel bad for benching her all the time.

I guess.

And don't worry, I'll go to all the rest of Tina's games, however many are left,

three, right?

And you can just focus on coaching your team.

Well, you know, the decision should really be up to her. Tina!

I accidentally ate a box of cookies.

Honey... The Twinkle Fairies are short a couple of players, and I was wondering

if you'd consider joining them so they could finish out the season. It'd be a

really nice thing to do.

So, I'd have to leave Mommy's team?

Oh, not if you don't want to, baby.

I understand if you'd be uncomfortable being away from Mommy.

They get cupcakes after games.

I'm in.

a healthy, non -competitive way.

Ted, Tina's really improved since you made her point guard. Yeah.

How the hell that happened? Well, Judy just had her plane out of position. I

found her strength and I gave her motivation.

I told her if she didn't deliver, I'd let the evil clown out of the sewer.

He's just kidding. Right, Ted? You bet. Oh, nice rebound, Tina!

Wow, if we play Tina Moore, we might have a shot at the playoffs.

What? No, no, you can't do that. Why not? Because it's not fair. Let some of

other players have a chance. Like the one with asthma. Or a unicorn girl here.

I'm not a unicorn.

Today I'm a butterfly.

The thieves stay on the bench.

I'm the coach. When you're the coach, you can make the calls.

Hey, kid.

Oh, hey, Judy.

Do you know who won the last game?

Snowbell.

How much?

point. Damn.

I'm gonna have to go away for a while.

Tell my family that I love them.

Follow on purple number seven.

What? Are you crazy?

Um, sir, I politely disagree with that call.

She pushed the other player. What?

Ted?

I guess.

I get that call was totally bogus. Don't without now, Halverson.

Take the call back, Red. Sir, step back.

Make him. Yeah, make me.

Are you threatening me? He's not threatening you.

Clover, Ted, Clover.

Yes, you are. What do you say about your mama?

Okay, that's it. You and me out in the parking lot right now. I hope you

a poncho because I'm going to rain down the hurt, my friend.

Get this jerk off my court.

It's not your court. It belongs to the children, the innocent children.

You better not start your car.

the coach now. Tina, you're out. Butterfly girl, you're in.

But I'm still in my cocoon.

Even better.

Oh, Lord.

It's like my heart has been ripped from my chest.

So just another day, huh?

Lulu ran away. I have no idea where she is.

My allergies are going crazy. Is there a cat in here?

No. We don't have a cat.

My skin is on fire. If there's not a cat, then that weird exchange student

really did put a curse on me.

Oh, my God.

You stole Lulu.

No, I didn't.

Then who's that saucer of milk for?

Me.

feel bad, but last night she showed up at my bedroom window crying for me to

her in. Oh, really?

Okay. You expect me to believe that she jumped out of my bedroom window and made

her way across town in the freezing rain just to get away from me?

Well, you did have a boyfriend who did that.

Go straight yourself.

Hey, how was your game?

We won.

Too bad you didn't stick around to watch it.

Yeah, Tina's team got slaughtered and...

I was kind of depressed.

Drop it, Bill. I saw you provoking Ted so you could be coach and bench Tina.

You're trying to lose so you can watch your stupid NBA package, aren't you?

Well, you have all the answers, don't you? All the answers.

Are you saying I'm wrong?

No.

Unbelievable. You'd rather undermine your daughter's self -confidence and

the spirit of the team.

At halftime, they show NBA bloopers. It's called Hoops Woops.

You should be ashamed of yourself. From now on, you are Coach and Tina's team to

win. And if I sense anything less than that, I'm signing her back up for tap

dance. Oh, God, no.

I won't go back to those recitals. I won't. You will.

And this year, they're bringing in DeNoise and Duffel.

See you at the game.

Man, that stinks.

First my cat, now my husband.

Your husband peed on your carpet?

No. He doesn't want to spend any time with me. Perry just called. He can't go

Hawaii. He's got to work.

Now I've got an extra ticket and no one to go with.

Wait a minute. Did I just hear the words Hawaii?

Extra ticket.

No one to go with?

Yes, those were all the words you heard.

Take me! Take me!

Judy, this is supposed to be the honeymoon I never had. I never had one

Oh, my God, it'll be great. We could lay on the beach, drink Mai Tais, order

room service.

It'll be the perfect honeymoon.

No husbands.

Well, the tickets are non -refundable.

No, they're really good.

I told them I'd be winners.

Too bad, because I have like an Ocean View suite and a full spa package.

Okay, Raptors, before we play this game, remember one thing.

Winning isn't everything.

But if we don't win this game, we won't go to the playoffs.

Who wants pizza?

Okay, Twinkle Fairies, make me proud. Get out there and win!

Your team's looking good, coach.

Now, thanks. We've been playing pretty... Halverson.

You know, the rec department has a restraining order on you.

Yeah, but not on Mr. Jenkins, the grumpy old janitor.

Don't worry, I'm not here to make trouble. But don't screw it up.

Hey, lady, can I just mock over there?

Game time!

You cheered when we scored, and you girls are eating pizza during a game.

A light snack.

Double cheese pepperoni?

The elephant tranquilizer of the pizza world?

You want to lose.

No, how could you?

I'm going to Hawaii with Linda.

So, you made me be a good coach, and now you're throwing the game.

That's a very good point.

And I'm going to think about it while I'm sunbathing in Hawaii.

Well, if you don't have to go to the playoffs, neither do I. If anyone knows

to be a big loser, it's me.

Oh, bring it on.

Because I've got a secret weapon. My point guard dog just died.

Or at least that's what I'm going to tell her.

Well, give someone else a chance. Hannah, you're in.

Oh, wait, wait. Give me those.

But I can't see.

Go, go, go.

Okay, Trudy, you're in. Oh, by the way, everyone on the team's invited to a

party at Madison's house after the game except you.

a twinkle fairy.

Hey, let go of me. Let go of me. This isn't civilized.

Don't you start the car night mode.

Hey.

Bow, Raptors.

No time left on the clock.

Number 10 gets a free throw.

No!

You do realize she's on your team.

believes in you.

Are you folks confused about the colors of the uniforms?

You didn't make the playoffs.

What are you going to do now?

I'm going to Hawaii.

Tina! Tina!

Tina! Tina!

Are you proud of me, Daddy?

Yes, honey, I am.

I really am. That was a great shot.

And you know what? For the next six weeks, I'm going to be the best coach

ever seen.

Hang on.

Six more weeks?

Miss Moore?

Uh -uh, I quit.

You quit the quitter? Is that how I raised you?

Yes.

You were listening.

That's my girl.

Remember, you don't have to lose.

Just don't win by more than five points.

You wearing a wire?

You little snitch!