Original subtitles

Bill, can you bring me my purse?

What?

Can you bring me my purse?

What?

I said, can you bring me my purse?

Well, you're closer.

Find my checkbook. You need to write Tina a check for the magazine you

Stupid magazines.

Another reason Tina's here, because I didn't have one that night.

No, your checkbook's not in here.

It's got to be.

No, just sunglasses, birth control, pills, and an algebra book.

Ah, this must be Lauren Perth. Uh -huh. Yours must be around here.

Wait, wait a minute. What the hell?

Bill, I can explain. What is she doing with my sunglasses?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find sunglasses that don't squeeze you?

Why are there birth control pills in Lauren's purse?

Don't freak, Bill. I know all about them. I helped her get them. You put our

daughter on the pill?

They are not for birth control, okay? She has some other female issues that

birth control pills are used to regulate.

Like what?

Well, this is some of the stuff you wanted to be kept out of the loop on,

remember? Try me. If I can't handle it, I'll tell you to stop.

Okay, um, the uterus... Stop, stop.

But how can you be sure she's not using them for some guy instead of her, you

know, waterers?

Because she doesn't have a boyfriend.

How do you know that?

Because she told me. Oh, oh, she told you. And we all know teenagers always

the truth, especially in a house where honesty is valued, which is not here!

Bill? I have a trusting relationship with our children. Lauren tells me

everything. And what she doesn't, I get out of Tina by stuffing her with candy.

Not to suggest you're not doing a good job with Lauren, but I'm taking over

raising her. Oh, come on. You're overreacting. A driver's license, birth

pill. Where are this kid's parents?

I am officially back in the loop, and I'm going to find out what's really

on with these pills. No. No, you're not. If you even tell her about the pills,

she'll be humiliated, and she'll never trust me again.

I'm allowed to talk to my daughter.

Fine. Take a shot. But the last thing a 16 -year -old girl wants to do is talk

to her dad about sex.

I know how to be subtle and delicate when talking to women.

By the way, the Sweaty Yams are aces today.

I don't know why I'm taking a driving lesson from you, Dad. Mom says you

two cars.

I only crashed one car.

But I crashed it into our other car, so in your mother's twisted logic, I guess

I crashed two cars.

So, how you been?

Why? Because I'm interested in what's going on in your life.

Anything new in school?

Science has gotten easier since I started teaching creationism.

Now, if you don't know the answer, you can just say God did it.

Or you could always ask your boyfriend. What's his name again?

Dad, I don't have a boyfriend.

Can we just drive?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll keep the conversation on driving.

When you think about it, though, driving is a lot like a lot of other things in

life.

It is? Sure. It's a very serious responsibility, and, you know, a lot of

rush into it.

You know what I mean?

Guess.

In fact, you know, maybe you shouldn't do it till you're older. Much, much

older. But everybody my age does it, Dad. Well, that doesn't mean you're

Why? The first time I did it, I was really good, and I've only gotten

What?

I'm a really good driver.

Oh, yeah, driving.

What's... What's this?

Oh, that must be Nick's shirt.

Nick?

Yeah, some guy from my school.

Who was undressing in your car?

I gave him a ride home and he got hot.

I bet he did.

All right, that's it. Lesson's over. We're going home. No more driving ever.

Why? Because I had a friend in the car? Who gets hot and just takes their shirt

off? I've seen you do it at the dinner table.

That's a little treat for your mother as a reward for her fine cooking.

What's wrong?

Your dad crashed another car?

Worse. He started freaking out because he found a shirt in the backseat. Whose

shirt? Nick DeFalco's. I told you about him. He's just a friend.

Oh, a boy who's a friend. Put those together, what do you get? A boyfriend.

Which you said she didn't have, Judy. Once again, where are her parents?

Well, I'm her mother, and I'm thinking of getting back in touch with her real

father.

Yeah, what exactly is your problem, Dad?

My problem is boys are getting hot in your car and you're on the pill.

You know I'm on the pill?

Mom! I didn't tell him. He found it when he was rifling through your purse.

There's no privacy in this house. I hate this.

Boy, you really stepped in it.

No, I married it.

A big...

pile of it.

I can't believe you brought up the pills. Now, she's never going to trust

again. She was lying to you about why she wanted them. No, she told me about

this Nick. He's just some doofy guy from school, but you overreacted and you

blew it for both of us. You know what, buddy? You're back out of the loop.

Yeah, we're going back to the way it's always been. Me raising Lorne as a

mom. She needs a father in her life. I know, but I can't find the cocktail

napkin with his number on it.

Hi, girl.

Hi, Mr. Miller.

We're going up to my room, Betty.

I'll try not to have sex while we're up.

I was told we were going to work on our book report.

Listen, listen, Lauren, I'm really sorry about yesterday. I overreacted.

You're a good girl, and I totally trust you.

Thanks, Dad.

Trust you to fall.

Right into my trap.

What are you doing with that baby monitor? Shh, I'm spying.

On a baby?

What's her dad apologizing?

He freaked out over nothing.

Yeah, my dad apologizes to me all the time. It's one of the 12 steps.

Crouching sound coming from under your bed.

Your mother thinks she's all innocent, but your sister's up to something, and

I'm going to find out what.

It's awfully quiet up there.

Yeah, that's probably because you put the wrong end of the monitor up in her

room.

I did?

Son of a... It's the way we always used it.

Well, that explains a lot of cries that went unanswered.

Hello?

Just a second.

Lauren, phone!

It's him. It's the guy.

Hanging up!

Hello? Hi, Lauren.

Oh, hey, you.

Are we still getting together tonight?

It's so great that the Wagners asked me to watch their house and feed their pets

while they're away.

We're going to have the whole place to ourselves.

I can't wait to get all over your fine stuff.

Judy has no idea what's going on with that little girl.

Let's get out of here. Totally.

Act normal.

Do we normally write on the table in mustard?

If you wanted to go for an evening walk, this is so romantic.

Yeah, about that. It was all a big lie. I just wanted to show you the house

where our daughter is fornicating. What are you talking about? Lauren is in here

right now with a boy.

No, she is house -sitting for the Wabners by herself. Oh, wake up. A

girl on the pill in an empty house with beds.

It's practically the first verse of a Van Halen song.

You've been snowed by our daughter. Prepare to feel very, very foolish.

You are right, Bill. I feel like an ass.

Wait, let me finish.

It's standing right next to me.

What are you guys doing here?

Your father thought you were over here with some boy.

What? I am just house -sitting.

See, Bill? Oh, drop the act. I heard you on the phone planning your rendezvous.

Where is this guy?

You're listening in on my call? You were listening?

Somebody has to. I'm just being a responsible parent.

Look, there's no boy. I don't know why... No, Dad.

Dad, don't open that door.

Oh, look, Judy. She doesn't want me to open this door.

Wonder who could be hiding in here.

Was this all some trick to make your father look like an idiot?

Sort of. Ah, stop biting my ass!

Good job.

Here, I'm going to the concert.

Wait a minute.

Concert? Yeah, Green Day, remember?

No. Who are you going with?

With Nick. I told you. Well, I don't remember. Bill, did you hear anything

this? Don't look at me. I'm out of the loop. I'm just a guy who lives here now.

And now that I'm removed from parenting, I can be honest.

Those paintings you made in kindergarten?

Weak.

Mom, I've got to go. He's waiting.

Fine, but be home right after the concert.

That was weird. I swear she never said anything to me about a concert.

Hmm.

What are you thinking?

How freeing it is not to have any kids.

I don't have any reason to be here now.

What about me, Bill?

A single mom with three kids? Ooh, that's a lot to take on. I'll be a Kyle.

Bye, Mom. See you later.

Where are you going?

Oh, a basketball game.

A lot of good freshmen this year.

Really? The team's good.

Oh, I don't know. I'm talking about the cheer squad.

Um, did Lauren take the car? No, her friend took her to the Green Day

But that was canceled.

Canceled? Yeah, last week. She knew that.

What, she lied to me?

I don't believe it. Your dad was right about her and Nick?

Nick? Nick who?

Nick DeFalco.

Nick the Balco?

Yeah, Lauren said he's some doofy kid from school.

Flick Nick?

Nick the Trick? Knows his way around a chick?

They write poems about him?

Oh, my God, I'm calling that kid's parents.

Um, Nick doesn't live with his parents. He has his own apartment.

He has his own apartment?

Yeah, you know, it's great. You know, all the guys bring all the girls over

there to... Just to talk and do nothing else ever.

Get in the car. You're taking me there.

Great. It's the one time I finally get to go to Nick's. It's got to be with my

mom.

This is so embarrassing.

Okay, you might want to stay in the car.

How was your night?

Fine.

Your sinus is acting up?

wants waffles.

What?

Whenever I'm feeling down, waffles always make me feel better.

Why don't you go down and whip it up a batch?

I don't want any waffles.

Honey, I know I'm not supposed to be sticking my nose in your business, but

are you upset about?

You don't have to do this. I can just wait for Mom to come home. Oh, no.

I really want to know.

Well, I was alone with Nick, and I did something really, really stupid.

You know, your mom should be home any minute.

Mom, come home.

Just forget it, Dad.

You can go back downstairs.

I'm sorry, honey.

You're upset, and you need to talk.

You can tell me anything you want, including whatever you and Nick did, and

promise you won't get into trouble.

We didn't do anything.

Oh, thank God.

But I wanted to.

Oh, God.

We were parked out by the lake, and we were talking.

and he just got really freaked out and he said he didn't think of you that way

and he drove me home.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Dad, what's wrong with me? Am I really that gross?

Come on, honey.

You're not gross.

You were when you were three, but everybody is.

Well, then why doesn't he want me?

I don't know, honey, but, you know, maybe this is a good thing.

Sounds like Nick wasn't ready for anything as serious as what you wanted.

I was ready, Dad.

Well, you know, your body might be ready, but there's nothing wrong with

things down a little and knowing for sure it's the right guy.

Don't worry. I'm done with boys. I'm never going to have sex.

Oh, honey, you will.

Trust me.

I hope when the time comes it's... I know. It's safe and with somebody I

I was going to say not on the couch.

I spend a lot of time there.

You going to be okay?

Yeah.

Good.

I'm really glad you were here tonight, Dad.

Really?

Oh, you know, no matter what happens in your life, you can always come to me,

okay?

Dad, I lied to Mom about going to the concert so I could go to the lake with

Nick.

You're on your own.

You were listening? Why didn't you come in and help me out?

You were doing pretty good.

In fact, I think you might be farther inside the loop than I ever was.

Nice job.

Oh, I love that kid. I just hate to see her hurting.

Yeah.

So should I wait until tomorrow to go ballistic on her?

Eh, she's already crying.

I was going to finish it. There's just a little bit left.