Original subtitles

Isn't anyone going to make dinner around here? I'm starving.

Can I eat this?

Yeah, go ahead.

How?

Okay, that's it. We have to go get Dad.

Yeah, ever since Kyle Polsky moved in next door, all Dad does is goof off with

that big, stupid, rich guy.

That's not so bad.

Yeah, you only like him because he bought $1 ,000 worth of Girl Scout

Got me a badge.

Hey, I bet he still has some cookies left.

Of course he does.

Wait. Dad has been over there for a few hours. Come on, we better hurry.

70 -inch plasma.

Biggest one they make. She's a beauty.

Only problem is, when I recline, I can't see it.

So, I had another one built into the ceiling.

Oh, wow.

Untouchables. Great flick.

They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you

send one of his to the morgue.

That's the Chicago way.

Dude, that is the worst Katharine Hepburn I have ever heard.

Hey, Dad, we had to interrupt your little play date with Kyle, but we're

and abandoned.

Yeah, you are so dead. When Mom finds out that you've been spending all your

time over here slacking off while she's at work, she is going to be so steamed.

Wow.

really does come right out of your pores.

Hi.

Got

some

leftover Chinese, a can with no label, and some moldy cheese.

What will that make?

Me? Vomit.

Hey, Perry, I think I found the perfect fabric for our couch. You know what?

When you come back from Reno this weekend, we'll just... What do you mean

not coming home?

Honey, it's our six -month anniversary.

What do you mean, a what?

Oh, sounds like trouble. You know, I did have a feeling that marriage wouldn't

last six months.

It would be sad if I didn't bet on it. Pay up.

But they're not divorced yet.

If they make it one more week, you owe me 50 bucks.

You jerk!

My so -called husband isn't coming home for our anniversary. You know what? I've

had it with him. Hey, marriage is hard.

The key is to get past the first six months. After that, divorce away.

Hey, no, don't listen to her. You know, cut your losses.

Just move on.

I want you to cut it out. You can do enough gambling later when you eat

this is.

With Perry's excuse now.

Oh, well.

He says he can't come back from Reno because his band keeps selling out.

He's in a plug hat cover band they sold out long ago.

They keep adding extra shows.

I mean, he's just so busy he never comes home and he barely returns my phone

call. That is not good. You need to talk. A marriage cannot survive without

communication. Where's my dinner, wife?

Shut it!

Okay.

I feel like I'm the only one putting any effort into this relationship, you

know? I mean, I've been trying to redecorate our apartment for months to

home for us, but Perry doesn't seem the least bit interested.

If he won't come to you for your anniversary, why don't you just go to

You know what?

I like that.

Okay.

Hey, honey, it's me. Listen, good news. I'm going to come to Reno.

Okay.

Okay.

Great. He said he's too busy and told me not to come.

undesirable that my husband doesn't want to be in the same city with me. Again,

shut it.

I was just going to say, whatever you're cooking is starting to smell like tar.

Oh, dinner's ready!

30 minutes! I got the crappy crapper.

Excuse me, Judy.

What are you doing? I thought you were coming with me to the fabric store to

return my sample.

I'm sorry. When I said, yeah, right, I meant, yeah, right.

I've been very busy.

I don't have time to goof around with you.

Sir, madam, your root beer floats already.

Rachel!

Hey,

Linda.

Is this your first visit to Polsky Manor?

Yeah, very Chuck E. Cheese -y.

After my third divorce, I decided I was going to live my life exactly the way I

want. How's that working out for you, Kyle?

I happen to be very lonely.

Really, I would think the girls would love this place, at least the ones who

have gone wild.

Yeah, but after five years of being single, I sort of got a little tired of

kind of girl.

It'd be nice to attract a more grown -up woman.

Well, Kyle, perhaps it would help if you lived like a grown -up. I mean, what is

it about guys who have some aversion to adult furniture? Would it kill you to

buy a sofa?

I have a sofa right here.

Well, you might want to consider classing up your activator. You might

with a woman you also have to blow up.

I don't know anything about furniture.

I'm not a classy lady like you.

Classy?

Yes, I have acquired a certain je ne sais quoi.

For instance, perhaps I would put a sectional over here and...

Perhaps a nice, tasteful armoire over here.

So you'd help me?

Yeah, why not?

You know, I was going to redo my place, but since that's not happening, why

don't I bring over my swatches and get busy?

Yeah, let's get busy.

I mean, let's do it.

I mean, let's have sectionals.

Football time at Kyle's house. Doo -dah, doo -dah.

Every Sunday, I get soused all the doodah day.

I asked for the couch, and where's the TV? Did I come on the wrong doodah day?

No, I got rid of the TV and decided to put a painting there.

Well, at least we can still watch the... Ah!

What's that?

Ah, a chandelier.

Why?

I'm just helping me redecorate.

Why?

So I can settle down, meet a better quality of woman.

Why?

I know you have issues with Linda, but I like these changes.

If you really are my friend, you will support me on this.

Absolutely. If this is what makes you happy, I'll support you 100%. We gotta

kill Linda.

What for this time?

She's ruining Kyle.

She's redoing his house and making him grow up to meet a decent woman.

Well, maybe that's a good thing. You can't live like a child forever.

Ping -pong table, gone.

Ceiling TV, gone.

You cannot blame Linda. Steam room, gone.

That meddling bitch.

Where's that going?

How'd you get rid of a few things?

The skee -ball machine. I'm 50 tickets away from winning the giant cone.

Bill, it's Kyle's house. Obviously, he's an adult and he can... Bill, the

tanning bed. Link arms with me. We're not letting it out.

We need to get rid of something to make room for the armor.

I know what we can get rid of.

Oh, Bill, bad news.

I can't go with you to the Bulls game tonight.

What? Why?

Because I'm taking a wine -tasting class with Linda instead.

Ruin her! Ruin her of man!

Bill, don't be like that.

So, you and Kyle are going to a wine -tasting class.

Yeah, well, the other night while we were at dinner, I picked out a bottle of

wine that he really enjoyed. So, after the movie... Wait, wait, wait. Dinner

a movie?

Yeah. Yeah, we really like spending time with each other. Yeah.

It's called dating.

There's only one problem with it. You're married. And believe me, if you could

date other people while you were married, my entire calendar would be

Hey, Judy, I'm just redecorating. It's fun, and Kyle likes my ideas, okay?

Linda, you're doing this because you're upset with Perry. You need to confront

him about why he is shutting you out of his life instead of flirting with

another guy.

Relax. I am not flirting with Kyle.

Just, you know, I was all set to nest with Perry, but he's not around, so...

Now I'm doing it with Kyle.

Well, just remember, this is not your house, and Kyle is not your husband.

Your husband said to put this in the guest room. Oh, my God.

This is like him, the big goof. No, it goes in our bedroom.

His bedroom.

Where's Kyle?

Signing for drapes. I have to look away.

This is only happening because that bonehead Perry's been out of town for so

long. Look, I know you shot this down early.

We are not killing my sister.

Well, I bet Perry would be here in a second if he thought Kyle and Linda were

fooling around.

Maybe someone could make an anonymous call to Reno.

That would be a terrible thing to do.

Oh, look. I just wrote Perry's number down in Reno.

Oh, look. I just dropped some change.

And on a side note, there's a payphone on the corner you could walk to.

Jeannie, I'm starting to lose faith in this plan.

I'll drive you. Genius. Let's go.

Linda,

it's Perry.

I've come back from Reno to talk to you.

Linda, open this door, but I'll have a guard open this door.

It's open.

Where's my wife?

Did you check your apartment?

Of course.

I've neglected my precious treasure, and now I fear she's been stolen from me.

She might be at Kyle's house, next door.

Kyle? Polsky?

Where's that bastard live?

Once again, right next door.

Don't you?

Sweep her off her feet.

Yeah. I'm off to reclaim my woman, my last chance at happiness, and that Kyle

will pay for what he's done. He will pay!

By the way, here's a snow globe from Reno.

Chat later.

Hey, sounds like he's really gonna fight to get Linda back. That's 50 bucks. Bad

news for you, Brian.

Oh, really? Well, did you happen to see the bouquet?

Carnations?

I don't think so.

Our gay son is right. Perry's gonna need some help.

You were right about him. I'm not gay!

No, I mean Perry.

But for the record, who didn't notice they were carnations?

Oh, hello.

What have we here?

Harry?

Harry.

Hey, hey, hey!

We haven't Scotchgarded yet.

Well, I haven't Scotchgarded my heart, which has been stained by your deceit.

That is a fantastic lyric.

Oi, wine face, you got a pencil?

No! I got an anonymous call from someone who said you'd taken up with Kyle. So I

got on the first plane back to tell you that I love you and I'll be lost without

you.

Stay. You flew all the way back here to prove your love because you thought I

was cheating on you?

That's right, lover.

Oh.

Stop it! Shut down!

No, really, Perry. I mean, you wouldn't come home for our anniversary, but you

suddenly show up to throw around some crazy accusations. Come on, Linda. The

of you all cozy on a couch, which hasn't been scotch -guarded like my heart,

which is... Damn, I forgot the lyrics.

I believe it was stained by your deceit. That's right.

We're just taking a wine class together, okay? There's nothing going on. I take

my vows very seriously. You're the one who's got some secret life in Reno that

can't even be part of. Well, I heard from a very reliable source that

was amiss here. What reliable source?

Catherine Hepburn.

Catherine Hepburn? That was a dead -on Sean Connery.

Perry, your wife is sleeping with Kyle Polsky.

I've said too much.

It actually looks like Linda and Perry are going to break up.

That's too bad.

I really like Perry.

Not as much as I like 50 bucks.

I wouldn't start e -bidding on a lightsaber just yet.

In fact, why don't we make this bet a little more interesting?

I'm listening.

If you lose, you have to make out with whoever I open this yearbook to.

Okay, but if you lose, you have to make out with whoever I open the yearbook to.

Deal. You go first.

All right.

Aha! You have to make out with... me.

Do -do -over.

Aha!

Nelson Dimmick.

The kid with the laminated hall pass because of his special bathroom needs?

The deal's a deal. Your turn.

Mrs.

Felsey, the cafeteria lady?

A word of advice.

Avoid kissing her on Fajita Friday.

Believe me, the same goes for Dimmick.

Linda, sweetie, we need to talk.

What's the point?

Perry really loves you.

You should go and work this out with him.

I don't know, Judy. I mean, our marriage was already in trouble even before Sean

Connery got involved.

And he avoids me for months and then marches in here and makes a big scene.

It was romantic.

The only time Bill ever swept me off my feet was when I almost stepped on a

peanut butter cup.

Go tell Perry you love him and that nothing happened between you and Kyle.

Nothing happened, right?

No, no, no.

Not really.

Not really?

Well, something might have sort of kind of could have happened, but, you know,

Perry barged in, and now I'll never know.

What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

There was a feeling.

He felt you up?

No, don't be crazy. I'm a married woman. You felt him up.

Don't set anybody up, okay?

No, I was just sitting there drinking my wine in my dream living room with a guy

who actually wants to spend some time with me. I mean, I can't say it wasn't

tempting.

You're not thinking of taking up with Kyle, are you?

I don't know.

I guess it depends on Perry.

Go to him, girl. He's waiting for you right now.

Shut up, Bill.

I've got to go take a shower.

Don't use all the hot water.

Bill, I think we might have broken up my sister's marriage for a stupid steam

room. This is terrible.

Nothing's going to happen between Kyle and Linda. He's used to strippers and

bimbos. He's not going to lower his standards just to date Linda.

Even so, I hate to see her hurting like this.

We need to talk to Perry and fix it. If anyone can show him what love is, it's

us. Judy, Judy.

You're so romantic.

Nah, it's just a wrapper.

Oh, it's you, sir.

Yeah.

Listen, Perry, Bill's real sorry about the phone call.

He was just doing what he thought was best in someone else's voice.

You see this wallpaper?

She's got an eye, my Linda.

I'd love to have made a home with her.

You still can.

It's not too late to save your marriage.

I can't compete with a guy like Kyle.

I mean, he's rich and he's here.

And he's been married several times before, so he's obviously good at it.

Harry, don't you put yourself down. You are a big rock star in Reno.

You got your own fog hat cover band.

You stand on stage night after night playing Slow Ride and that other hit.

I'm not a rock star. I'm a fraud.

Of course you are. You're not the real fog hat.

Did you think you were the real fog hat?

No, no, I haven't.

A secret shame, and it's the reason I haven't wanted Linda to come and visit.

Perry, nothing you've done will stop Linda from wanting you back.

Oh, no.

This is how I've been spending my nights.

Oh, my God.

Perry, what are you doing here?

Linda?

Perry has something to tell you that might not be easy for you to hear, but

please, keep an open mind.

I can't do it. Be brave.

Linda, darling, I hope you can forgive me.

My fog hat cover band got fired, and I've had to do something desperate to

money.

You joined the Coast Guard?

If only it was that noble.

I get it.

You're the captain in a Captain and Tennille tribute band.

Now you know my secret shame.

And Reno's public shame.

So this is what you couldn't tell me?

You don't think less of me.

I couldn't think less of you.

None of us could.

Hurry, honey, I don't care about any of that.

My love for you has nothing to do with which classic 70s band you cover.

You don't have to shut me out of your life, okay?

Because someday, your looks will be gone.

When the others turn you on, who will be turning you on? You will.

I will.

Mrs. Felcy.

Yes?

You, uh, you look very pretty today.

Especially with that bit of stewed tomato on your bosom.

Lose a bet.

Well, let's get this over with. I got 3 ,000 fajitas to make.

You make me happy.