Original subtitles

Bill, have you seen my holiday to -do list?

No.

I just put up the outdoor Santa. It was so heavy I had to pull it by its feet

across the lawn.

The neighbors thought I was bringing you home from your office party.

Oh, I love Christmas break.

Spending time with the people that mean the most to me.

Oh, Lauren.

Oh, my friends. I'll be at the mall.

go as a family to get our Christmas tree. Judy, we're going to your parents

Christmas. We don't need to get a tree.

We need a plant we can smoke.

So we all agree parents are a drag.

Car keys, please. No, I'm sorry. Your brother needs the car for his new job.

Brian is blowing your Christmas vacation on a job?

Could he be any more lame?

Glad tidings all.

The answer would be yes.

Well, I'm off to my caroling job at the mall. Our group's called the Fenty Wing.

Straight out of Dickens.

It ain't straight, and you're going to get the Dickens beat out of you.

Well, I have to go see you at eventide.

Fiddle, fiddle, see, fiddle, bye, fiddle, bum, doozy, doozy, day, doozy,

Great. So now I'm stuck here, thanks to the nerdful Dodger.

Warren, you're not stuck. We could go Christmas shopping and maybe skating.

Can't Dad help you with your shopping?

No. Your father has a disability.

He's lazy.

I'm still waiting for you guys to put in ramps.

At least you can help me out by forging your father's signature on these

Christmas cards.

Make sure you put something personal on each one.

Shows that I care.

Great. So because Brian has a job, he gets out of everything while I have to

all the boring Christmas stuff.

Forgot my cape.

Goosey -goosey -gum, goosey -gum, goosey -gum, goosey -gum.

Goosey -gee.

God help us, everyone.

Hey,

man. In case I don't see you before the holidays, I got you a little something.

I love it.

16 ounces, just my size.

And here's the card. To my best friend in the world, every morning I

wake up and thank the heavens... You might want to read that later.

I had a glass of wine and kind of let myself go.

Stetson.

It is Christmas hell out there.

I've been to three stores and I still can't find Tina's crappy, overpriced,

daisy, dumbass doll.

Which Santa is bringing.

I don't care who brings it. Just get it here by the 25th. I can't find that

stupid doll that pees and eats and talks. I swear I'm going to have another

child and let her raise him.

Isn't that why we had Tina for Lauren to play with? It's like a vicious, endless

cycle.

I am wiped out, and I still have a million things to do. I have to bake

for the office party, buy a grab bag gift, finish shopping for the kids. I

like a thousand presents to wrap. Oh, by the way, I'm planning to get you a

really special Christmas gift.

I just need to know what you want, where to go, and money.

I have a great idea.

Let's not get each other a gift this year. It'll be one less thing for me to

That'd also give me one less thing to do. Which would bring your list to zero.

Sweet.

You don't think she's really serious about the no presents thing, do you? I'm

taking her at her word and hoping to stretch it to Valentine's Day.

Dude, women are complicated.

Sure, right now she says no presents, but then she's going to get all, oh,

the holidays.

I have to buy Bill a present because he's so sweet and warm and the most

wonderful person in the... Well, I covered some of this in my card.

My point is, you do not want to show up empty -handed.

Yeah, maybe you're right. I should probably pick her up a little something.

know, you seem to know a lot about women.

After three marriages, I am sensitive to the fact that women be nuts.

I just love the holiday.

Crap, I'm out of cinnamon dot.

Think anyone will notice that the buttons on these snowmen were Advil? No,

tell them not to have more than one cookie every four hours.

Listen, um, I got some bad news. I can't go with you guys to Mom and Dad's for

Christmas. Why not?

Well, I gotta be with Perry and Reno. He's the emcee of a holiday review

Jingle Boops.

Which is a lot classier than it sounds.

It's not, is it?

No.

Are you still gonna make those side dishes Mom assigned to you? Oh, yeah, of

course. You're not, are you?

Great. Add another thing to my list. I'm sorry. I just didn't have time to cook.

Do you mind?

Well, since it's Christmas and I love you, I'll make Lauren do it.

Whatever it is, I can't. I just got a job waiting tables at Platters. They

needed some extra help for the holidays.

So do I.

But you're not giving me money for college.

We were going to see how high school pans out.

Wait a minute. I'm not sure I like you working all the way across town and not

coming home till late.

I get to bring home leftover pies.

Carry mace and don't wake me when you come in.

Unless it's chocolate cream or berry. You know, make it all pies.

Christmas sucks.

What happened?

Nothing we haven't seen coming since he said turn off the football game the

Tonys are on.

I just couldn't believe it. We were singing the 12 days of Christmas and

started throwing food. You know, 12 mini hot dogs, 11 frozen yogurts, 10...

Well, you get the idea.

Anyway, the mall fired us.

That's wonderful, honey. You could be my holiday helper.

It'll be fun.

Man, I thought Lauren was taking care of all the Christmas crap around here.

Yeah. I got a job now, so car keys, please.

Well, what about Aunt Linda?

Oh, I'll be with my husband having a good old -fashioned topless Christmas.

Wait, you know, I tried to spread a little holiday cheer around, and what

get you?

Two salted pretzels.

And a son that is slowly killing me.

Welcome to Flatters. Would you like to hear the specials? Sure. So would I.

I'm starving.

Let's find a real waitress.

Don't your parents really think you work here?

Yeah, it was the perfect scam to get out of my mom's holiday chores.

Now Brian has to be your Christmas elf.

But the loser even has a costume.

So after we eat, you want to go back to my house and see how we're doing on

rateyourbutt .org? Yeah.

I bet we both scored ass -tastic.

Oh, no.

Your family's here.

What?

Hey!

Welcome to Platters. What the hell are you doing here?

Well, we had to take a little trip to the emergency room. There was a slight

electrical mishap while Brian was hanging the Christmas lights.

He got all shaky. It was hilarious.

Good news is, I took a picture.

And I'm fine.

In the neighborhood, we thought we'd see our girl at work.

Aren't you going to see that?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Amy. I'll take it from here.

I understand you accept competitors' coupons. Bill, it's not a coupon. You

wrote free steak on a piece of paper.

Um, actually, I'm not going to be waiting on you guys. They already have

training a new girl. And don't mention me, because she's a little insecure, you

know, because she's a newbie.

Welcome to Platters, where service matters.

The specials are on the board.

Don't make me read them.

You can come out now. They're gone.

Oh, that was close.

I was under there forever.

You know, your little sister eats croutons off the floor.

I can't believe I pulled it off.

My parents think Brian's the smart one. And they're right.

You're busted.

Would you like to see our wine line? Okay, drop it. Your little scam's over.

saw a picture of your newbie on the wall. She was Employee of the Month in

You're going to rat me out to Mom and Dad?

Actually, no. I had another idea.

Oh, God.

Brian, let's go. I have to hem that nightgown I bought for Grandma, and

her size.

Sorry, Mom. I can't help you anymore. I just got a job here, too.

What? But you're supposed to be helping me.

When do they need you to start?

It's your birthday!

Happy birthday.

Right now. It's your birthday.

Happy birthday.

From your friend that platters.

Hey,

there you are. I've been looking all over.

You're not in line to see Santa Claus, are you?

Not if you're going to bad -vibe me.

Anyway, I took your advice and bought Judy a CD.

Great. Now you're all set in case she springs a present on you.

Yeah, I just hope I got her the right thing.

Wow, look at that.

That is a beautiful ring.

Yeah. Judy would never expect me to buy something like that.

Holidays only come around once a year.

You know what?

You're right.

I'm buying myself a pinky ring.

There's something in the air.

The smell of 5 ,000 people in overcoats.

It's bad that I pretend I have laser vision, and every time I blink my eyes,

blowing somebody's head up.

Judy, that is not the Christmas... You're trying to blow up my head, aren't

It's not working.

Hey, wait, is that Bill in the jewelry store?

What's he doing in there?

Well, it looks like Kyle's helping him pick out a ring.

That sweet, sweet man.

We said no presents, but he couldn't resist.

Come on, I gotta go find him something special.

See, just when you think he's only thinking about himself, he does

generous like that.

What the hell? I'll take the one with the bigger stone.

I'm worth it.

Gina, hurry up! We're leaving for Grandma and Grandpa's.

Three hours in the car. Did you go to the bathroom?

Yes, already.

Stop treating me like... like a baby.

I was talking to your father.

All set? Let's go.

I love you.

What was that for?

Nothing. I just love you.

I don't like the sound of that.

Have a good time at Grandma and Grandpa's. It kills me that you two

with us.

I should call your boss and tell him how important it is to spend Christmas with

your family. No!

You'll get us fired.

Yeah, and if I get blacklisted as a waitress, what kind of future am I going

have, Ma?

I guess not much of one.

Thank you.

I think.

Okay, well, you two be safe, and don't forget the most important thing.

No more mincemeat. I don't care what anyone says. That's not a pie.

Bye. Love you.

Be safe.

See ya.

We're free!

New family!

It's Christmas anyway. We're way too old for that stuff.

Yeah, besides, we have the whole house to ourselves.

I'm going to invite Becca over. We're going to crank call all the dweebs in

school. Oh, great. And Hakeem's coming over for a jam session.

Since when are you guys in a band?

No, silly. We're making jam.

Oh, sounds cool.

I'm going to need yours and Hakeem's phone numbers. Sure.

Well, just got off the phone with Hakeem. Of course, he's spending

with his family.

So you can't make jam?

No, he's the one with the double boiler.

Becca's hanging out with her parents, too.

Loser.

L -O -O -S -E -R.

They're supposed to lose her, which I guess also applies.

Well, they just don't know the fun that they're missing when they're wasting

time with their family. They sure don't.

Do you want to crank Tommy again?

Nah. You were way too happy just to be getting a phone call.

You know what?

Let's kick this party up a notch. I know just the thing.

I already told you once. I am not going to help you set up your Star Wars

nativity scene.

It's beer party time.

Wow. Cool.

This must be the kind that needs an opener.

That must be our pizza.

Pizza and beer. It's good to be grown up, huh?

It's Mom and Dad.

Why did they come back?

We're supposed to be at work. Quick, to the basement.

Let's get my thick baby up to bed.

I can't believe we're not going to make it to your folks' house. Be sure and

find out exactly what she ate so we can give it to her again next year.

Bill.

Fish sticks.

I wish we'd stop for dinner. I'm starving.

Do you know the... The Christmas miracle?

Dad's eating our pizza.

How do you know?

Well, he's making those creepy moans, and that can only mean two things.

I don't hear Mom saying, hurry up, so it's got to be the pizza.

Come on, I'm cold and hungry. Can we just go out there and tell them the

No. We have to wait till Mom and Dad fall asleep.

They'll just think that we got in late from work.

You're right. I can do this.

Oh, no. Dad's moans are getting louder.

You know what that means.

He found the cheesy bread.

Well, Tina has a fever, but she managed to fall asleep.

Did you order a pizza?

No, but I thought about it. Technology is amazing.

Well, I have to say, I don't mind missing the trip to Indiana.

But now we have nothing planned for Christmas.

Or do we?

I know we said we wouldn't, but I couldn't help myself. I bought you a

something. I couldn't help myself either. I bought you something, too.

No.

Stop.

You didn't. I don't believe it. You big crazy present guy.

We can still have a decent Christmas. I'll put on some music, you start a

Ah, we need something to burn. Hey, where's Brian's cape and that stupid

Here.

Found the Christmas tree skirt.

Thanks. I can use it to keep warm.

What are they doing?

They put on music and I think they lit a fire.

Like we do every year when we open presents.

Do you remember last year for breakfast, Mom made those little pancakes shaped

like snowmen, and she wrote, I love you in syrup?

Yeah.

Stupid pancakes.

Stupid, I love you in syrup.

Merry Christmas, honey.

A watch!

Wow! And it's got those...

fancy Super Bowl numbers on it.

You mean Roman numerals.

Judy, the Super Bowl is American.

Well, you deserve it. Now me!

I'll show you how much you mean to me.

Oh, my God.

A CD.

Tissue paper.

More tissue paper.

Here it is. I mean, what's this?

Really, what is this?

A CD opener.

Came free with purchase.

No more broken fingernails for you, my lovely lady.

Where the hell's my ring?

What? I saw you at the mall buying a ring.

Who's it for? Who do you love more than me?

You bought yourself a pinky ring?

It's my birthstone.

Well, I hope you and your hand will be very happy together.

I don't know what you're so mad about. You're the one who said no presents.

I know, but then I saw you in the mall, and I don't know what... Oh, God, you

know what? You're right. Thank you. Wait, why?

Because I did this to myself.

I lost the Christmas spirit. I turned the holidays into a big list of chores,

and now I'm paying the price for it. Look at this lousy Christmas. No tree,

dinner. Tina's sick, and the worst part is Brian and Lauren aren't even here.

It does feel kind of weird.

Especially since this is the last Christmas before Brian goes away to

Do you realize this may be the last time we're all together for the holidays?

Wow.

Never really thought of it that way.

Stupid college.

I don't know why I'm making such a big deal over a stupid ring.

What I really, really want is our family to be together.

Christmas isn't about presents.

I still get to keep the watch, right?

The only present that would make me happy right now is if Brian and Lauren

here. I really miss them. We're here!

Hallelujah! It's another Christmas miracle!

What are you kids doing home?

Well, we were hiding in the basement because we lied about having jobs. We

didn't want to spend our whole Christmas vacation doing a bunch of boring

Christmas chores.

Or going to Grandma and Grandpa.

But we heard all the wonderful things you said, so we're giving you the

that you really wanted. All of us together.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Go to your rooms!

What? Can't believe you lied to me!

Here's a job for you, trying to survive without TVs, phones, computers, and

possibly food! Now get upstairs!

Did Santa come yet?

Honey, what are you doing out of bed?

I'm feeling better.

Now can we all open presents?

Not your brother and your sister. They've been very bad and they're being

punished.

So there's no Christmas, Mommy?

Oh, you know what? Get down here, all of you.

Really? Yeah, I'll be mad tomorrow.

Tonight it's Christmas.

We may not have a lot, but we have each other. And really, what else do you

need?

The presents are ruined.

At exactly 11 .35.

I'm feeling better.

Oh, wait a minute.