Original subtitles

Daniel, honey, here's your beer. Oh, thanks, Miriam.

I was thinking, since you're all Bears fans, maybe I'll root for the other

just to be fair.

What's their name?

The Buccaneers. The Buccaneers.

You know what a Buccaneer is?

Too much to pay for corn.

Which isn't true anymore. Actually, a dollar is pretty reasonable.

Come on!

Finally doing something as a couple. Yeah. It's fun. Yeah, it's the best.

Oh, Judy, your guacamole sure is interesting.

I have a recipe for one that has flavor.

Let me give it to you.

That'd be great.

Okay, you'll want six ripe avocados. You know what would be even better?

If you went in the other room and you wrote it down for me. I've got a pad

here in my purse.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Interception. Unbelievable.

Damn it. You'll want to core and seed the tomatoes before you dice them. Oh,

shoot. I just remembered I have to pick up the kids. I'm sorry, guys.

Well, I don't want to be the only hen in the rooster house.

I'll see you at home, Daniel.

See ya.

Go the Buccaneers!

Hi, Marion. Thanks for coming.

Clear.

Nathan Frosty.

You know, I know Marion can be kind of annoying sometimes, but she does have

good points, you know?

Like she can be a tiger in bed.

No, wait.

What's that animal that plays dead?

A possum?

Yeah.

She's a possum.

at the mall.

And I just programmed all my friends into my phone book.

Wow, that thing can hold three whole numbers?

Hey, let's see if the voice dial works.

Call loser.

Hey, what do you know? It works.

Punch dork.

Ow!

Mine works, too.

You know, the Clarks will be here any minute. Don't you need to get ready for

dinner?

Freddie. Judy, why do we have to go out with these people just because our

stupid kids' friends were their stupid kid?

Come on, Bill. You have lots of fun friends, and I always get stuck with

lame -o wives. Wouldn't it be great to have one couple where we could stand to

hang out with both of them? That never happens. There's always a dud.

It's like Fitz and Marion. Every couple has a Marion.

Sorry. No, I get it. That's why I marry her. She makes me look jazzy.

together. This is my husband, Bill, and this is our friend, Fitz. Oh, I'm Bob.

This is my wife, Nancy. This is our little boy, Tommy.

Timmy.

I'm pretty sure it's Tommy.

If I say Tommy, will you stop doing this joke?

Whatever you say, Paolo.

Hey, Timmy. Want to help me finish off my Halloween candy?

Sure. Don't get excited, kid. There's not a lot left in there.

Don't worry. I left a decoy back out for him. We're good.

Is there anything that Timmy's allergic to?

Beats me. But if anything happens, we got another kid at home.

You guys hate your kids?

We hate our kids, too.

I kind of like my kids.

Don't worry. He's not having dinner with them.

So, where are we eating, anyway?

Ripsy's Pig Out, home of the Super Slab. Oh, I've heard about the Super Slab.

They use the longest pigs in the world.

Oh, unless you guys don't like ribs.

The only ribs I don't like are my own, because they don't expand to allow room

for more ribs.

Mom! What?

Mom, Tina and her friend are in my room, and I'm on the phone. Do something!

We are going to do something about that right now, honey.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Hey, I gotta say, I had a great time tonight.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind seeing Bob and Nancy again.

Oh, I'm seeing Nancy on Saturday.

What about me and Bob?

Oh, Bob's working.

You want to come? We're seeing a movie about a woman rediscovering love at

midlife with courage and dignity.

Is Rob Schneider in that?

No. Then I'll pass.

We should all do something together soon. You know, we finally found a

where one of them isn't a Marion.

Come on, guys. Marion isn't that bad.

And why are you here?

Don't you mind your own damn business.

Hey, babe.

Hey, honey. How was the movie?

Gripping.

Doris Roberts had a very erotic look.

Don't ruin it for me.

You're not going to see that movie. I meant my appetite.

Bob seemed to like it.

Wait, Bob was there? Yeah, he blew off his meeting at the last minute I was

going to call you, but they said not to bother. It was weird.

It's almost like they planned it so they could hang out with me and not you.

Really? That is weird.

Why would anybody ever want to do that?

Well, it's not completely crazy.

Oh, no, it's crazy. I mean, you without me?

What's that?

It's like just you.

Me? Why is it so hard to believe that the Clarks might prefer my company over

yours? Come on. Everyone knows I'm the fun one.

What? The fun one? I am plenty of fun.

Of course you are. You're delightful in your way, but, you know, you're kind of

my warm -up act, my appetizer. I'm the ribeye.

You're the popcorn shrimp.

Sure, you know, people love popcorn shrimp.

Once you've had, like, four bowls, you kind of want a steak.

Well, guess what? The Clarks invited me for dinner Friday night, but only after

I specifically told them you were busy. Huh.

I guess that makes me the fun one and you the dud, a .k .a. the Marion.

That is absolutely ridiculous.

A .k .a.

You have no idea what a .k .a. means, do you? A .k .a.

I don't care. There's no way I'm the Marion. There's got to be another... Oh,

wait. I get it.

So obvious.

What?

Well, the Clarks are looking for a little group activity.

You know, where the kisses are hers and hers and his. Three's company, too. Oh.

I see. So the only thing the Clarks could possibly find interesting about me

my body. That's what keeps me coming back.

I'm starting to wonder what keeps me coming back.

that the Clarks are drawn to my personality or my charm or my wit.

Eh.

Well, I was going to cancel, but now I am definitely going for dinner Friday

night because unlike you, I am not the Marion.

Be sure to wear clean underwear for the orgy.

I always wear clean underwear, Bill. Another way, I'm unlike you.

Well, I am going with the Clarks. for dinner. Have fun bowling.

Have fun boring.

Okay, you're all set. Douglas just activated all the extra features on your

phone. Oh, that is so great. Thank you.

Douglas is kind of the stud of the Tektronix Club.

So the girls in the club think you're hot, huh?

Oh, there are no girls.

But we did build a female robot named Vicky.

How do you know it's female?

You know what? Don't answer that.

See ya.

Hey, check this out. You want to see something cool? I shot a video on my

It stars me. It's called Warlock of the Basement.

The year is 942 A .D. In a time of darkness, there arose a teenage

Oh, Perry, you're so fine. You're so fine. You blew my mind. Hey, Perry.

Hey, Perry.

That's not you.

Oh, my God. That's my Aunt Linda in a cheerleading outfit.

Pom -poms.

And a cowboy hat. Pick a theme for God's sake.

Oh, Perry, you're too fine. You're too fine. You blow my mind. Hey, Perry.

Hey, Perry.

Come on. Why is she spanking herself?

Maybe she's been naughty.

There goes the cheerleading outfit. Okay, okay. Turn it off. Turn it off.

It's some disgusting video that she made for her husband.

Okay, we must have switched phones. We have to get the phone back to her and

never let her know that we saw it. No, wait, hang on. I saw something that

odd. Yeah, the cowboy hat. We discussed it.

No, no.

See that mole above her butt? It looks suspicious.

No, it's asymmetrical and it has an irregular border.

She should definitely have a doctor look at that.

Okay, well, how are we going to tell her to get it checked without letting her

know that we saw this?

My dad's a dermatologist.

We can email it to him and he can check it out.

Fine, whatever, you know, hopefully it's nothing, she'll never have to know, and

we'll never have to see her do anything like this ever again.

Hey, I forgot my keys.

Oh, look, I must have leaned up against my car, I'm all dirty.

Oh, dirty, dirty.

So Christmas morning, I realized I hadn't bought enough presents

for Tina, so once she unwrapped the gift... I take it into the kitchen, I

it back up, and I shove it underneath the table.

Oh, kids are so stupid.

It's a good thing they're cute. Not ours, but the ones on TV.

I know we've been doing a lot of kidding, but I would like to propose a

the one thing worth coming home to at the end of the day.

TV.

What's everybody laughing about? Did Judy tell you something funny I said?

Bill, what are you doing here? Yeah, we thought you were busy tonight. Yeah,

you're supposed to be bowling. I got there. It was canceled. Actually, it's a

funny story.

You're going to love this. Is this seat taken?

Yes. Thanks, lady.

Bill, can I talk to you for a second? Excuse us.

Unbelievable horning in like this. You can't stand the fact that they like me

better than you. Okay, maybe I was off the other night and made you look good,

but I've worked up some funny stories and they're going to love me tonight.

You know what they're really going to love? My story about how we got drunk at

Brian's eighth grade graduation.

You can't tell that. That's my story. I'm the one who threw up on the

valedictorian.

Yeah, but I'm the one they called the cops on.

All right, fine, fine. You tell the story. Thank you.

So, this one time, we were at Brian's graduation. We were tailgating in the

parking lot. I was there, too. I was there, too. And the really funny

was on my 10th beer. I had a broth and opened it. I threw up! I threw up!

Hey, Bob and Nancy. It's Judy calling again.

Haven't talked to you guys since we had dinner last week.

If you're worried about calling the house because of you -know -who, you can

call me on my work number.

Okay, bye.

If they're going to call anyone, they'll call me at 1 -800 -S -U -N.

N -N -N -N.

Gems like that, it's a wonder they're not calling back. No, they're not

because you went on and on with your boring story about your fender bender.

With Michael Jordan.

He flew me home in his helicopter.

He invited me to Nantucket. Oh, you know what? This is crazy. I'm going over

there to find out why they're not calling us back. Wouldn't it be better

went, since you're the reason? But if I go, they'll open the door. Yeah, to say,

beat it, boring. Where's your fun husband?

Oh, this is crazy. Look at us. We're fighting like idiots. And for what?

We don't need Bob and Nancy.

Who cares which one of us they like better? You're right. We're the coolest

people we know.

Honey, can I get you another beer?

Sure.

So,

we're taking

the one car?

the image as big as I could, but my dad still needs a better picture.

Maybe he could use the one that's stuck inside my head, because I'd love to give

that one away.

What are you supposed to do? Just say, hey, Aunt Linda, can you show us your

butt so we can get a better picture?

Oh, Julie.

Jackpot.

Let's do this.

Oh, whoops. I'm so sorry, Aunt Linda. It's okay. I got it.

Oh, my

God. Did you see that kitten go

up the chimney just now? What kitten?

One of Tina's friends brought a little kitten over and it got loose. It just

up the chimney.

Neither can I. Oh, well.

Better her than me.

Guys, I think I see it.

I do, too.

going on here?

Um, okay, I know that this looks bad.

We were simply trying to get a picture of your butt.

What? For my father.

What?

Okay, remember when we got our phones mixed up?

We might have accidentally saw the video you made for Perry.

Oh, my God.

Did you, um, did you see me? We saw everything, including the cowboy hat,

is a whole other conversation.

But Douglas noticed a suspicious mole, and his dad's a dermatologist, but we

needed a better photo, so... Wait, wait, wait. What mole?

Are you talking about this? This is a tattoo.

A tattoo?

Well, it was... It started one. It was going to be the Chinese symbol for

courage, but the minute he stuck that needle in, I chickened out.

Oh, well, that's relief, I guess. But we are really sorry about this whole

thing. It's okay.

It's okay, Brian. I know you meant well.

Funny, though, I didn't realize that a dermatologist could make a diagnosis

a camera phone video.

Oh, sure.

Um, where he works, they have all the latest equipment and technology.

Oh. What hospital is that?

Uh, it's, uh, Saint.

Um, Saint.

I lied. He drives a bus. I find you highly attractive.

Why don't we just calmly ring the bell and act like rationally you dropped your

hat, loser?

Oh, hi.

Hi, Bob.

Hi. I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by.

Me too.

Hey, Bill, Judy.

What are you doing here?

Well, you guys haven't called us back in like a week, so...

We're wondering if it was something Bill said or something Bill did to make you

want to avoid Bill.

We haven't been avoiding Bill. Ha! We haven't been avoiding anybody.

Ha?

We just haven't really been in the mood to socialize. You see, it's just,

well... It's been a horrible week for us. The day after we had dinner

with you guys, Nancy lost her job.

Yeah, and on Friday, Bob's doctor found a spot on his chest X -ray.

We won't get the results till Monday.

Good, so it wasn't me?

You are so terrible.

Wasn't I?

I feel awful.

Why, did we miss the Dairy Queen? I can double back.

No wonder we don't have any couple friends. They've been going through

horrible and all we can do is think about ourselves.

You're right.

We should go back there and ask them if there's anything we can do to help them

through this difficult time.

And I know just the thing that'll cheer them up.

Isn't the whole reason for getting ice cream so we could bring some for them?

Oh, yeah.

Well, this is so inconsiderate.

Just throw it in the bushes.

No, hang on, hang on. I can finish it.

Oh, brain freeze.

Okay, just throw them away.

Hang on, hang on. I'll work through it.

Bill!

Oh, my God, Judy. You're not going to believe this.

What a surprise to find you here.

Oh, hi.

Feeling better, Bob?

Actually, I am.

Every day's a gift.

Cut the crap. You're not the least bit sick, and I bet Nancy here didn't even

lose her job, did you?

No, but I got a promotion that wasn't as good as the one I wanted.

So you ditched us for Fitz and Marion?

They're a better fit for us.

Buccaneer joke.

It is a lot to pay for corn.

Yeah,

it's just so weird when you find a couple where you like both people.

Both people? Which one of us don't you like?

Bill, stop it.

Both of you.

Both? Which makes you both the Marion.

What?

It's all right.

It's a good thing.

It's just that when we... All went out together. You made us feel really

uncomfortable. You and Judy are very competitive.

You know what? You're right.

Which one of us is the least competitive?

It's me, isn't it?

Please go.

You two.