Original subtitles

That was amazing.

Best paintball war ever. Yeah, yeah, it was fun, but it brought back some

painful flashbacks from 91.

You were in the Gulf War?

No, no, Judy made me paint the house.

A little part of me died that day.

Shores. What are they good for?

Absolutely nothing.

Kyle, you're a good friend.

Before you moved next door, I really didn't know what friendship could be. In

fact, I'd say you're the best friend I ever had.

Hey, Bill. Oh, uh, Fitz.

What are you doing here? You invited me over to watch the game, remember?

I made a frittata.

Don't bother. It's ice cold.

Is Judy around?

No, but she was looking for you. I guess you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning.

Oh, yeah, that was my one assignment for today. She's gonna be pissed.

Judy should lighten up.

You work hard. You deserve to blow off some steam on the weekends.

Yeah, you're right. So what if I didn't pick up the dry cleaning?

It's not gonna kill her.

Oh, good, you got it.

Thanks for taping the game for me, Fitz.

You sure you don't mind watching it again?

No, it's a great game. I don't mind watching it twice.

I'm just glad we're hanging out again. Oh, oh, interception. Go, go, go.

Don't get too excited. He fumbles.

Are you going to keep telling me what's going to happen? Because it's going to

ruin the game for me.

Kind of like my frittata was ruined.

They lose 14 -10.

Has the mail come yet?

No, and stop asking.

I told you I'd call you the minute it comes in. Dad, you're sitting on it.

Mail's here.

I'm supposed to hear back on one of my college applications.

Nothing, just junk mail and bills.

Did the bills say final notice?

Uh, no. Then it's all junk mail.

Even for the office. Don't forget, Bill, I need to take the car in to get the

muffler fixed, so after you do the yard work and help Tina build her princess

castle, you gotta pick me up at three.

Yard work, castle, three. I got it written right here, baby.

Okay, Bill, that's not a very good system. What if you wash your... Now

good.

Sup, goose?

Top gun it.

You call that a hand slap?

Come on, Wild Bill, up high, huh?

Vintage.

Anyway.

I just bought the craziest thing ever. You have to come over and check it out.

Hey, Kyle, Bill and I decided to kind of just kick it here. We're having kind of

an us day.

I'll get us a couple beers.

Why don't you have your us day over at my place? I got the 70 -inch wine

70 inches?

Hey, can I come check it out? It's Glacier Week on the Science Channel.

Sure, come on over.

That sounds good to me. Thanks for inviting my son along.

Glacier Week?

Do not embarrass me. Do not.

Hey, buddy, I got a... Unbelievable.

Look at my dad.

He's supposed to put together my princess castle today.

Tell you what, kiddo.

I'll help you build her.

I know what it's like to get the brush off.

Hey, you coming or what? I'm invited. Really?

Get down!

All right.

Your castle.

A lot of parts there.

A lot of parts.

Just go.

Come on in, guys.

Wait till you see this.

Look at the size of that crate.

Please tell me that came from Hickory Farms.

Whoa, that's amazing. Looks like it should be in a museum.

And it would be, but I outbid them. Suck wind, Royal London Museum of Boo Hoo

Hoo.

This 15th century war armor, the same kind worn by the Duke of Burgundy during

the War of the Roses.

And the same kind worn by Jethro in that episode of Beverly Hillbillies. So what

are you going to do with it, Kyle?

Like, stick it in a corner somewhere?

No, no, no, no. You need to encase this in a climate -controlled plexiglass box

with diffused halogen lighting.

Yes, Brian, that would be the responsible thing to do.

My ass aren't made of candy.

Then you'll enjoy kissing it all the more.

Guys, be careful. That's a crisis. Oh, dear God. Please, no.

Why? What an absolute travesty. I know. You're supposed to give us a turn, sir,

selfish.

Someone stole my watch on the bus.

And evidently, you slipped me some acid.

Oh, hey.

Just out here doing some yard work.

I have to cover up because I burn easily.

Let me guess.

You're the one without the heart.

And you must be the one without the brain.

Hey, that makes you the wickedly hot -looking fox.

Unbelievable.

off on a Saturday while you're playing with your stupid friend?

Did you even help Tina put her castle together?

No, he did not.

So I did all the grown -up things around here all day long and you did

absolutely nothing.

Take a lude, Jude.

Excuse me? Take a lude?

What are you getting so upset about? We should have a little fun.

Don't talk to me about fun. I know fun. I've always been fun.

And there's a member of the Marshall Tucker band who can attest to that.

But lately, I haven't been able to have any fun because someone around here has

to be the grown -up. Before you came along, I had a husband who was at least

good as a trained monkey.

I could give him a few simple tasks and reward him with treats.

Oh, by the way, we're out of mini -corn dogs. Never mind.

Why are you yelling at me? Because you are a bad influence, Kyle.

You're the most irresponsible man -child I've ever met, and that is saying a

lot, because I married this.

I don't have to take this. I'm out of here.

If you want a duel later, Bill, come on over and don't forget your battle hat.

Go ahead. Open your mouth. Open your mouth.

Next at 5, Everybody Loves Rain.

Here's your magic princess castle. It doesn't look like the one in the box.

Well, you don't look like the kid on the box, but you don't hear me crying.

Oh, hey, Judy, I'm all finished with the castle. I'm going to go over and meet

Kyle. Stop. No, Kyle.

I think it's time you two take a little breather. Why?

Because he's an irresponsible idiot and I don't need a match and set.

work out this afternoon so you get to be an adult and take Tina to her dance

class. Uh, Tina quit her dance class. No, I didn't. Well, you should. It's

It's not lame.

It's boring and you're taking it.

You should go. You done calling Bill stupid yet?

I'm never done, but I'm going to take a break.

Uh, if you want to chill you out, can you lend me a jacket? Sure. Any word

Tripton University yet? No, still looking.

Oh, Brian, come on, relax. You're a shoe -in.

these days you'll look back and you'll wonder why you were so worried.

Yeah, maybe you're right. It is only three weeks late.

Still nothing.

What is the deal? My friend Hakeem got his letter a week ago. Big fat reject.

Oh, I know he is, honey.

But he's clearly a friend.

No, Mom, the letter with the reject.

And I'll tell Hakeem he thinks so highly of him.

Poor kid. When is that stupid university going to get back to him already?

Well, Judy, since this application's right here in your jacket, I'm going to

ahead and say never.

My God, no!

I must have put it in there to mail, and then I got this new jacket. Hey, you

know what? I think I'm going to go to the neighbors and see if any of them got

our mail accidentally.

What?

Nothing. Are you upset?

A little.

Mom, don't worry. I'm not going to say anything to Hakeem.

Although I should.

God, I can't believe what I did. I'm a bigger screw -up than Kyle and Bill put

together. Judy, don't be so hard on yourself. My God, there's not even

postage on this.

Okay, we've got to get this down there and see if they'll still accept this

application. How are you going to do that?

Linda, I'm very good with people. I work with people at my job all day long. I

know exactly how to handle them.

So you see, it was my mistake.

And it would be a shame for my son to have to pay the price for that. I don't

want to cause any trouble.

You seem like a really good person. I was just thinking that maybe there was

some way you could help us out.

Well, there might be something I can do for you.

Thank you so much. I so appreciate that.

I can tell just by looking at you that you are a lovely, understanding woman.

I'm a man.

Not a woman, a man.

And what a man. I mean, if I may say so.

On second thought, I am not sure there is anything I can do for you.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. And after you've been so kind, it's just that we're

talking about my boy's future here. You know, it's been his dream to go to this

school.

Look, I see you have kids, too.

Imagine if your son here was denied something this important.

That's my daughter.

And what a looker. Hubba hubba. Are we through here?

No, no, we can't be. There must be someone else we could talk to. Your only

chance is to take it up with the dean of admissions down in Polsky Hall.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Polsky Hall. That's like the Beer family?

Because she lives right next door to Kyle Polsky. Did he graduate from this

place? All Polskys graduate.

His parents just had to pay for a few more buildings.

Okay, do you think if we ask Kyle Polsky to put in a good word, it might help us

out? It might.

Oh, God, I can't go crawling back to Kyle. He hates me. What a shock.

Cutie, I really don't think you have a choice.

Well, thank you so much.

And I'm terribly sorry for insulting you and your daughter.

By the way, you have a beautiful wife.

That's my twin brother.

Ooh, there's another one at home like you.

It's so good to see you relaxing.

You are such a good man and a wonderful provider for this family.

Oh, my God.

You've done something horrible.

What? Why would you say that?

Because I'm not a wonderful provider, and you know it. I provide nothing.

Brian's application into Trifton, and I may have blown his entire future.

Oh, no, no, no. You haven't blown his future.

You've blown ours!

Who's gonna support us in our golden years? Lauren?

We can't live on tips.

All right, don't get all... We're not gonna make good poor people, Judy. We

don't have indomitable spirits.

Wait, don't fix this. Turns out the Polsky family gives a lot of money to

Trifton. They may still accept his application if we get Kyle to call the

on Brian's behalf.

So you want me to ask Kyle for a favor?

Or we could put all our chips on Tina.

We're going to end up eating garbage in the streets.

I'll talk to him. Okay, but we've got to fix it fast before Brian finds out.

How much of that did you hear?

Everything. Oh, my God, this is huge.

I don't want you to say one word of this to your brother. You understand me? Oh,

no. I have waited my entire life for this moment. I call the shots here for

I want clothes.

I want my own room.

I want your room.

And I want it filled with stuff. Valuable, valuable stuff.

I'll give you 20 bucks.

Suckers.

I want to settle for 10.

I'm telling you, Judy, I should talk to Kyle alone.

I am here to keep you on task. You go in there, he turns on cartoons, I've lost

you for the entire afternoon.

Oh, that's right, I'm a huge screw -up.

Wait, wait, why are we here again?

Which one of us destroyed our son's future?

Oh, that's right, it begins with the letter U.

Fitz?

Hello there.

What are you doing here?

Just, uh, you know, hanging.

No accent or whatnot?

I'm gone one day and you swoop in and barnacle yourself onto Kyle's ass.

Bill, we're not really here too long. Hey, don't blame me because Judy put you

on a timeout. There's a new goose flying wingman and it's me.

Except I'm not going to die forcing Maverick to team up with Viper in the

contest against Iceman.

I love Top Gun.

Yeah, it really holds up.

Judy?

Wait, you both got armor? Yeah, I bought that for Fitz. We've been jousting on

our minibikes.

One day. I'm gone one day. Now everyone has armor but me.

And minibikes.

Bill, we're here for a reason.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need a favor.

Apparently, Trifton University never got Brian's application, so...

Yeah, we were hoping you could pull a few strings.

It'd mean a lot, especially to Judy, and she's the one who forgot to send...

Let's not dwell on the detail.

Oh, this is too good.

Little Miss Perfect screwed up and now needs the most irresponsible man in the

world to bail her out. That about sum it up?

Yeah, is that about sum it up?

In high school, I let you cop a pity feel.

I don't even know if you should be over here talking to me, Judy. After all, I'm

such a bad influence.

Okay, you got me.

I have no right to call anyone irresponsible.

And I'm sorry for what I said, honestly.

But could you please be a good guy and call that dean for us?

I don't know, Judy.

Words hurt.

Sorry isn't just a panacea. A little word I learned at Trifton University.

I don't know if you're worthy of my forgiveness.

Well, what can I do to prove to you that I am worthy?

You're going to make that call, my friend.

Hit her in the knee. She's got a tricked knee.

Sorry, she took my armor.

Eating garbage, Judy. Eating garbage.

You're going down, lady.

Looks like somebody's son's going to community college.

Let's get one thing straight, Posty.

future is me and my husband.

Oh, yeah.

Ow.

Seriously.

Ow.

Dude, you pack a pretty hard wallop for a girl.

Oh, my girl days are long behind me, and there's a roadie in Chief Street who's

an attempt to that.

Now, you are going to call that theme.

All right, all right. I'm going to call him anyway.

I'm just busting your stone.

Oh, I don't have any stones, but a little warning, the lady in the

office does.

Do you ever know anybody in the stones?

Bill, your wife is awesome.

You're a lucky man to have a woman who can lay a beat down like that.

Yeah, broke Fitz's arm in high school once.

Came back for seconds, didn't ya?

Got to admit, it's nice to know you're a monster screw -up like the rest of us.

Oh, much worse. What kind of mother would forget to mail in her child's

application?

You what?

No, no, honey.

It's okay.

Mommy laid a beat down on the neighbor, and now everything's going to be just

fine.

Which college?

Oh,

thank God.

Wait, I thought you wanted to go there.

Well, not since I found out about the University of Chicago's physics

department. It's the best in the country.

Plus, when I found out that Kyle here went to Drifton, I kind of, you know,

cooled on the place. No.

Okay.

I thought about it, and 20 bucks is not going to cut it. So unless you want you

-know -who to find out about you -know -what, I... He already knows.

He does?

daughter, sweetie.

Now, you see how dignified it looks when you put it on properly?

Skilled metalsmiths' toys make it not only impenetrable, but you provide a

complete range of motion.

It's not a toy, Dad.

It is a piece of history, and it deserves to be treated with respect.

It was intended for war, not for your entertainment.

That was pretty entertaining.

Ah, Dad, come on.

Dad.

Dad!

I wouldn't have it any other way Cause you make me happy