Original subtitles

Brian?

What? I've been calling you for like ten minutes. Where have you been?

Italy.

Remember, I got on a plane three months ago. You haven't seen me since.

Oh, yeah.

Phone.

Well...

I'm glad you're back, son. Did you have a good time?

Yeah, yeah. The summer abroad program was a life -changing experience.

I can see that. Is that a purse?

It's called an attaché case.

What's an attaché to? Your boyfriend?

And I'm back.

Is that my baby boy? Oh, I missed you so much.

Hi, Mom.

Ow, ow. Oh, God.

Look, you brought me a pearl.

No, honey, it's his. And before he left for Europe, I warned you this might

happen.

Oh, Brian!

Oh,

back from Italia. Oh, God, I spent such a wonderful summer there. Such fantastic

people. You

horsey American

slut.

That's what they were saying about me?

Ryan!

You're back!

Oh, my God. I missed you so... Here's your present.

This better be worth that hug I gave you.

Hey, Tina.

So, you're back.

What's wrong with you?

Well, while you were gone, she moved all her dolls into your room.

It was her fairy kingdom.

Ooh, the man purse will fit right in.

Tina, go move your stuff.

This keeps getting better.

So, tell us all about it.

Well, what's to tell? You guys wrote all my letters, right?

Yeah. So, this girl you met, Monica, what's she like?

Oh, she's really cool. Yeah, super sweet. We hung out a lot.

Did you just hang out, or did you pay a visit to the International House of

Makeout?

Come on, Dad.

Oh. Oh, sounds like this moniker was good practice for senior year.

The year classes are skid -like stones and spit is swapped like so many

cards.

Ah, Brian, I envy you.

You're entering the single greatest year of a young man's life.

Everything after this year is just a long, inevitable slide in the middle age

where each day is just a little less good than the last.

I love you so much.

Dad, I don't think I'm going to be swapping spit with any girls at school.

Monica and I are pretty serious.

Serious? She can't be serious.

No, I'm serious. We're serious.

I think what your father is trying to say is that we really want you to enjoy

your senior year of high school. This is the year girls your age stare down the

barrel of the real world and they get scared.

And that fear makes them do stuff.

Lauren, you're a junior, right?

Yeah. You're quitting school after this year.

Awesome.

It's obvious that Brian has feelings for Monica, and we need to respect that.

Judy, this girl lives halfway around the world.

Long -distance relationships can never work. Never.

Excuse me.

But my husband has been, like, working in Reno for, like, the last three

and our relationship is doing just fine.

Never.

have been apart all summer, but I just keep myself so busy with my own, you

know, interesting projects that I barely notice he's gone.

Oh, that's him.

Hey, Pear.

What?

You're coming home tomorrow?

Oh, thank God.

He's coming home tomorrow to me. I'm whole again. I'm a whole person again.

Never.

guys, I've got some great news. Monica has a couple of weeks off school for the

Feast of San Gennaro, so I thought I could fly her out. Hold on, hold on.

we go any further, we're going to need to hear a lot more about this feast.

Wait, you've been making arrangements with this girl to come visit?

Yeah, we really miss each other, and since I figured it only cost about 500

bucks to fly her out... 500 bucks?

Brian, we're broke.

Which means we only have money for bills.

And whatever your mother and I want.

Well, I guess I can use the money I've been saving to go to homecoming dance if

I don't plan on going now.

Whoa, whoa. What do you mean you're not going?

Why would I? I have a girlfriend now. But this is your senior year.

This is the year we get some.

I'm not interested in going to the dance with some girl. I'm really into Monica.

Forget it. I don't trust anyone who wants to leave a place where they're

a feast.

Mom. I agree with your father on this one. You only get one senior year.

Why did I expect you two to understand? You're so provincial.

Hey, hey, just because you speak Italian, don't think we don't know

swear word.

Well, I'll talk to him, but I think it's best if I give him a few minutes to

cool off, just reflect on what he said.

Tina had that last piece of pie.

Then I'll go now.

Listen, Harry's right behind me. Just to let you know, he may be acting a little

odd. The man's a singer in a fog hat cover band. Odd with several exits to

Judy, we just came back from the doctor and he has a slight concussion.

Judy, hello.

So good to see you. Harry, are you okay?

Of course, love, I'm fine.

So,

when did you get to Reno?

I think you need to go in and get yourself a glass of water and take one

pills. Well, I'm in there. I'll answer that phone. I won't stop ringing.

What happened to him?

Well, last night, while I was vigorously welcoming him back home,

I accidentally banged his head against the headboard.

Repeatedly.

Why didn't he tell you to stop?

Well, he was sort of unconscious, and I was sort of not done yet.

Say no more.

Anyway... I said say no more.

The doctor said that until his concussion clears up, it would be

him to board a plane.

Or you.

Listen, son, you gotta understand where your mother and I are coming from on

this Monica thing.

Dad, you haven't even met her. She's really, really great. Well, I'm sure she

is, but you know what else is great?

A corned beef sandwich.

And you don't have to drive all the way to Israel when you can get one at the

deli right down the street.

And it's just as fresh and juicy and mouth -watering.

You haven't had lunch yet, have you?

No, I have not.

Dad, I think I might be in love with Monica.

Oh, son, just because you kiss a girl doesn't mean... No, Dad.

Monica and I did more than just kiss.

Really?

Are you telling me you're no longer a member of the Never Such a Boobie tribe?

Dad, there is no such tribe.

And yes.

Really? So you got to second base.

Brian, were there more bases?

Uh, I guess.

How many more?

Well, I don't really know that much about baseball, but, uh, touchdown.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Dad, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just so glad you got there before Lauren.

Dad!

Well, me too.

Yeah.

So? Oh, it was really special, Dad, just the way it ought to be.

I'm glad to hear that. I really am.

Wow, my boy is a man.

So tell me more about Monica. What does she look like? Oh, uh, well, I have this

picture.

That's Monica?

She's beautiful.

Yeah.

Of course, anyone would look good standing next to that skinny, flat

girl.

No, Dad, that's me. Yeah, you really need to lose that purse.

You were up there a long time with Brian. Everything okay?

Yeah, yeah. He was just telling me all about the remarkable time he had in

Italy.

I want to go to Italy next summer. Over my dead body.

Why not?

Because I don't want my little girl enjoying Italy the way Brian did.

Don't worry. I'd have a lot more fun. Go to your room.

Fine. I'll go to Italy when you're dead.

That's all I'm asking.

Why are you so mad with Italy?

It's where meatballs come from.

I'm not mad at Italy. I just had a talk with Brian.

Quite a talk. And I really think we should consider bringing Monica over

Why? Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but when Brian was in Italy,

he lost something.

His retainer? No.

Yeah, that too, but something else. Something we thought he'd never lose.

What did we think Brian would never lose?

Oh, my God! Yeah, yeah.

You know, I've never felt more like a dad than I did just now. He told me all

about her, really opened up. She sounds like a special girl.

It was Monica's first time, too, and don't worry, they used all the necessary

precautions. He even set the parking brake. Oh!

Everything, you know?

Maybe we should fly this girl out here and meet her. I mean, I'm not saying

going to marry her or anything, but... Your first time.

That's big.

Hey, you married me and I was your first time.

Yes, yes, you were my first.

And my third.

Fifth.

And everything after 20.

Dad, do we still have those chips that I like? My baby!

So I see you told Mom.

This is just such a big moment in your life.

I just wish I could have been there.

Hey, so we just came back from the doctor and Perry's got a clean bill of

health. Yep, no more bruised brain.

Just got to keep it elevated and stay off it a few weeks.

Hello, I need to book a one -way ticket from Chicago to Reno, and I will need a

kosher meal.

By the way, love, I'm Jewish.

Oh, sounds like he's back to normal. Muscle tough.

Yeah, yeah. I just want to miss him so much, Judy. You know, this extra week

so nice. I kind of wish his injury was more serious, you know, just to keep him

here a little longer.

Aw, isn't that... Creepy.

All right, me and Brian are going to dinner and then the cigar store. Oh, you

guys are going to have such a good time. You can talk about your feelings and

bond. And do our makeup and have a pillow fight. Don't fem it up at cigars.

Oh, hey, Mom, before I forget, Monica says the fairs are really going up, so

should try to get that money together ASAP.

Anything for you.

Okay, how about you stop getting choked up every time you look at me?

My goodness, love, I've got to fly it out tonight.

Tonight? No, no, no, that's too soon.

I've got one seat left. I've got to take it.

Yeah, I've got my credit card right here.

Here it is, right now.

Hello?

Yeah, he's going to have to call you back.

So, Bill, how come you've never brought Brian around here before? Oh, it's not

really a place for kids.

He brought Lauren.

And Tina that time. Okay, okay, for boys, but this summer, Brian became a

Oh, that a boy. Brian, good for you. Come on, Brian, show these guys the

picture. No, no, come on, Dad. Oh, okay, say no more. If you're not comfortable

showing around your picture of Monica, I respect that.

Thanks, Dad. No problem.

I made a color copy.

Man, Brian.

Nice work, huh?

Holy cow.

What a looker.

Yeah, she kind of is, huh?

Kind of.

You got any pictures of you guys at the beach?

Well, you know, all this talk of, you know, while everybody's smoking cigars,

seems kind of phallic, don't you think?

These big boys aren't phallic. They're Dominican.

Right. Well, as Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Hey, hey, quit

spouting that Freud mumbo -jumbo and take a long, deep drag off your old

stick.

Brian, you doing okay there, kiddo? Yeah, yeah.

No.

I puked my first time.

Me too.

Are we still talking about cigars, or are we back on the sex?

Both.

See, Bill, you said this girl's name was Monica, and he met her on the Summer

Abroad program?

Yeah. My kid Jeremy did that Italy program last year, and he, uh, also lost

Hmm. With this same girl.

What? No, no, no, that's not possible.

Monica's first time was with Brian.

I'm afraid not.

See this necklace she's wearing?

My kid gave that to her.

If you ever see her again, I'd like it back.

Who's my mom's?

I don't believe this.

She scammed Jeremy out of 600 bucks.

It was supposedly for a plane ticket to Chicago, but once he wired her the

money, he never heard from her again.

Broke the kid's heart.

Oh, my God.

Thought you should know.

Well, yeah.

Thanks, Noom.

So, uh, your boy ever take her to the beach?

I just got off the phone with the coordinator from the exchange program.

looked into it, and turns out this thing with Monica is true.

She's some local girl who preys on rich Americans.

And for some reason, Brian.

Well, thank God we didn't wire her that money. Yeah, because I'm going to need

it to fly over there and take that boot that Italy is shaped like and kick her

ass with it.

Yeah, and I'm going to punch her with Michigan.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey, Brian.

Dad. By the way, thanks for taking me to that cigar store last night. I had a

great time.

Yeah, it was fun.

Yeah, it meant a lot to me, and it wasn't like you were just my dad. It was

you were my friend.

Thanks. Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna go up and see if Monica's online. I haven't talked to her

like, 12 hours.

What are we gonna do? The boy's in love with her. He'll be crushed, but we gotta

tell him. But that's gonna screw up his attitude towards women for the rest of

his life.

Like my sister.

She had a lousy first time, and look at the horrible choices she's made.

I mean, Perry turned out to be the keeper.

Linda may have made some bad choices, but in fairness, so did the guys who

her. Brian!

Does he have to know?

Can't we just lie to him, you know? Tell him we won't let her go. But then he'll

just hate us.

This girl was no good, and he should know it. He's a man now. He can handle

truth.

Yeah, Dad.

Brian.

About Monica.

Yeah, I'm so excited for her to meet you guys. I know that you're going to love

her just as much as I do.

Well, she can't come.

Why?

There's something you should know.

As wonderful as Monica is, you're just way too young to be this serious about a

girl who lives halfway around the world. You're a senior. There are plenty of

girls here.

Date them.

I thought you understood how much she means to me. Brian, you heard what I

Case closed.

I cannot believe you.

Don't ever pretend like you're my friend again because you're not.

He's going to hate you for this. You know that, right?

Better me than her.

Still haven't gone back to Reno?

I was supposed to fly back days ago.

All these freak injuries keep happening to me.

Like, last night I got hit in the head with a book.

Books are heavy, honey. They fall.

I thought I was in the shower.

And this morning I was trying to get something out of the car and the trunk

smacked me on the head.

Must be a faulty hinge.

Something's come unhinged. Linda, can I talk to you for a second?

What are you doing?

Kill him!

And then he'll be dead.

And that's almost as bad as being in Reno.

I know it's crazy, okay? But I just missed him so much, I was willing to do

anything so he wouldn't leave me all alone.

Well, why don't you just be honest with him and ask him to stay home?

Judy, I don't want to seem needy.

How's Brian?

Still pretty steamed.

He not only picked up some Italian phrases, he got some of their hand

down, too.

Are you sure we're doing the right thing, you know, taking the blame?

It was a beautiful, heroic gesture protecting a young boy's memory of his

love.

What's this wee crap? He still likes me.

Oh, come on. He'll come around.

If he hadn't done what you did, who knows what kind of screwed -up

he would have gotten into.

I can't believe it.

You've been purposely giving me concussions just to keep me here.

Yeah.

Well, I am the luckiest man in the world.

You really love me, don't you? I do.

I do.

Once again, he's the keeper.