Original subtitles

I need to use it.

Sorry, Aaron.

My sister wants to use the phone now, so I'm going to have to run into the other

room.

Mom! Oh, lighten up. She's talking to her boyfriend. I think it's kind of

She has a boyfriend?

Does he know about her booger wall?

Yeah, I think eight -year -old boys kind of dig that.

I haven't tried to call you guys for like an hour. Doesn't anyone pick up

waiting? It's rude.

Hey, I have some absolutely amazing news. Perry and I are finally getting

married. That's nice. Good for you.

No, for real this time. We set a date and everything.

Terrific. And put a deposit down on a hall.

Oh, my God, you're pregnant!

Oh, my God, we got you a huge ring!

Yeah, I know. Look at this beautiful diamond.

Did you say diamond?

No, diamond.

Diamond. Shut up!

Well, so what happened? I thought Perry was on tour.

No, it got canceled. The promoter decided he didn't want a Foghat cover

they went with someone else.

Who, Neil Diamond?

I'm still in love with you today.

Trust you make me happy.

Linda, I don't know. Are you sure you want to get married in a veterans' hall?

It makes sense, Judy. Your sister and this place have opened their doors to a

lot of grizzled old sailors.

I know it's kind of dumpy, but it's available, which I believe is what Judy

about you on her wedding day.

You know what? It'll work out fine. We'll put the altar up there, maybe a

trellis.

Sorry, just, you know, a trellis.

So the Perry has some thoughts about the ceremony. I mean, his band rented a

bunch of stuff for the tour that was cancelled, so now we're just going to,

like, you know, incorporate it into the wedding.

Tastefully, of course. Of course.

We'll start in utter blackness.

And then, boom!

The empty altar appears in haunting silhouettes of revolving beams of light.

Trellis, you are so uncool.

Suddenly a synthesizer.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Boop, boop, boop, boop.

And boom!

And I...

ball of silver flash rains down and in it appears the bride.

The back door flies open. My band and I appear.

I go into a Hendrixy guitar riff.

My mates and I come down the aisle to greet Linda. We stand before her. Who

she choose?

Can the bridesmaids take a vote?

Oh, Minnie, I forgot the bridesmaids. Yeah, that might require a bit of

choreography, I suspect.

Excuse me. Bill, try something with me, yeah?

Risers.

Revolving beams of light. Ball of flash.

It'd be cheaper if you two eloped and the rest of us just dropped some air.

I'd really like it if you'd stop making these unkind remarks.

Linda, is this really the wedding you want?

Marrying Perry is all I want, okay? That's all that's important, so please

putting him down.

Besides, underneath all the glitter and the flash, it's actually going to be a

very traditional wedding surrounded by friends and family.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for some sorry son of a bitches getting married here next week.

Roach! I didn't expect you to be up this early. What do you mean? I haven't been

to bed yet.

You're a bastard.

I want you to meet Roach. He's the man who's going to marry you. Oh, Roach is

going to marry you?

Ah, Reverend Roach. Nice to meet you.

He's also going to be my best man. And why?

Because he's my main bloke. He's my compadre.

He's my brother from another mother.

Are you sure you're a fully licensed minister?

Yeah. And I take it very seriously.

So, which way are we going with the ceremony?

Naked or uptight?

Uptight.

Bummer.

Well, I just talked to Linda, and the fire marshal said that all of our

have to be flame retardant.

Bill, what are we going to do about this wedding?

Same as we do at every wedding.

Drink a lot, eat a lot, and tape our card to somebody else's gift.

Couldn't she have ended up with that stockbroker guy she dated, Glenn

He asks about her all the time when he comes into my office to get his teeth

cleaned. The high -pitched whining of the drill, the intense pain. I'm not

surprised he thinks about Linda.

She wants to find a nice, solid guy like Glenn. How is Perry ever going to

support a family?

Well, he's got that steady gig in Reno.

Reno? Yeah, his band's booked for two years in a casino lounge. I thought you

knew. Two years?

That whack job is dragging my sister to Reno? I prefer to think of him as that

beautiful, beautiful man who's dragging your whack job sister to Reno.

She probably doesn't even want to go to... Reno. I bet he's pushing her into

just like he's pushing her into this crazy wedding. Judy, Judy, they're happy

about this. I'm happy. Everybody's happy about him moving to Reno, with the

possible exception of the people of Reno.

It'll be fine. She'll visit us. We'll visit her.

Oh, we could go for carnival.

That's Rio, not Reno, you jackass.

I think you might be wrong on that.

Why do we have to get all dressed up? Well, I thought we'd go out for a nice

dinner and talk about what kind of bachelorette party you'd like. I guess

too old for strippers and drinking.

No, you're not.

Oh, good. Let's do that. Oh, my God. Is that Glenn Pearson?

Oh, my God.

Geez, I used to go out with him. I know. Glenn!

Hey, Judy.

Linda, so nice to see you.

Hey, long time no see, huh? What a funny coincidence. You being here?

Well, you mentioned that you were... I eat often in this restaurant because my

office is right upstairs.

And, uh, I see Glenn all the time. He's a patient of Dr.

Gerber's. Great teeth.

Why don't you just sit down right here? Thank you.

Oh.

Hey, look at you two.

Add a baby and a golden retriever and you'd make a beautiful Christmas car.

So, Flynn, how have you been? Good. You know, the usual.

Please, if you call the usual being called an up -and -comer on the May 3,

issue of the Wall Street Journal for that stock merger thingy.

Let's Google him.

What's Google?

Sounds like a kid's game, you know.

Is something going on here, Judy? No.

Judy called, and she mentioned that you guys were... Google, you're in.

Oh, my God, you invited Glenn here.

Yes, you're trying to undermine my wedding.

No. You're getting married?

Oh, good Lord, you tried to fix me up with my ex -boyfriend three days before

wedding? Judy, that's worse than mean. That's just... Horrible.

It's like you finish each other's thought.

trying to fix you up with Glenn. He's just an example.

There's a million other ones just like him out there. Some even have a

personality. You know, I was voted one of Chicago's top ten most eligible

bachelors. See? There's at least nine others.

I can't believe you would be so sneaky. You mean like sneaking off to Reno

without even telling me?

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I thought you might overreact.

What are you going to do, Linda, huh? Quit a perfectly good job and run off

an overgrown child who thinks he's a rock star?

You know what?

That's how you feel about my marriage and my future husband, then don't bother

coming to the wedding.

I was number four.

Did you

hear

that Tina's taking some boy runt to the wedding as her little...

Runt date.

Uh, yeah, actually, they're doubling with me and my date.

You, uh, you still dateless?

I mean, you couldn't get one, right?

I still got a couple dates.

Hey, you know, I just thought of something.

Now that Aunt Linda's getting married, you're kind of the new Aunt Linda.

Oh, you take that back. I am married to you. Cut it out.

Who's your father?

Uh, he's upstairs trying on clothes for the wedding.

Ow, what?

He can say wedding. I know there's a wedding.

I know, I just wanted to hit him.

Oh, oh, hey, meatloaf.

I don't think you're supposed to wear an undershirt with that.

No undershirt. Mmm, sexy.

Mmm, everything.

Man, this sucks.

My sister's finally getting married and I'm not even going to be there.

Come on, you can't miss this.

There's an open bar and a glitter cannon.

You know something good's going to happen.

No, Linda doesn't want me there feeling the way I do about this marriage, and I

can't change the way I feel.

I think she's throwing her life away.

Don't be so negative. When you think about your sister's life, what's she

throwing away?

Hello, Bill. Bill Keane Sharp.

Like the undie there. You can tear that off and throw it at the ladies right

before you bang the wedding gong.

I get to bang the wedding gong?

Linda thinks it's her special day.

Hello, Perry.

Hiya, Judy.

Just stopped by to drop off the bridal party gifts.

Linda and Perry screaming into forever tour.

I see.

I got a lot of stuff to do. Good luck with everything. Judy, wait. Can we have

talk, please?

Um, listen, I know you don't like me particularly.

That's not true.

You took my fiancée on a blind date the other night.

Well, I just don't know if you're the right man for my sister.

Judy, Linda's my life, and I would give up anything to keep her, including my

music and my hair.

That's what she wanted.

although I've never met a woman who could keep her hands off.

You're staring.

Do you want to touch it?

That's not why I'm staring.

How could you drag Linda to Reno away from everyone she knows and loves?

Judy, she wants to go.

She knows you've got Bill and the kids and she loves you, but she wants a

of her own, and I'm a family now.

Judy, I love her.

And if you think I could ever imagine asking her to start a life with me

you by her side, then you've got no idea how much you mean to her.

Please come to the wedding.

Don't you break her heart?

I know you don't know me very well, but understand this, Judy, I do not make T

-shirts that lie.

Thanks for coming to my bachelor...

All right, take it easy. Aim for four.

Honey,

I'm so glad that we made up. I love you so much.

I'm so sorry I was so judgy about your marriage. No, you were not judgy, Judy.

Yes, I was judgy, Judy.

Judgy, Judy.

You see a homeless man, I'm giving him the keys.

You'll never want to leave. No, I know, me too, but we're sisters. You can't

ever lose me.

Hey, where'd you go? Here I am!

Hey, you dropped my scarf.

You got it?

Thank you enough for driving, Bill.

Nope. No, you cannot.

I can't believe I'm finally getting married. Phew, huh?

Perry's so great.

I mean, he really makes me laugh.

Usually I'm just laughing at him.

What do you mean?

Oh, come on, let's face it, he's kind of a clown.

I like to think of him as a diamond in the rough.

Well, I mean, sure, I'd probably be better off marrying, like, a lawyer or a

doctor or even that guy.

But what the hell? At least I got married before I was 40, right? That's

important.

But that's not the only reason, right?

As good as any.

Shutting with Glee's tiring.

Did you really mean that, Linda?

About getting married before you're 40? Mm -hmm.

Hey. Hi. So, have you seen Linda?

Yeah, she's in the bridal room.

How does she seem? Is she okay?

Better than me. She's not dancing down the aisle.

Neither are you.

Hello, everybody.

I just want to thank you all for being here on a blessed day. The love of my

life, and I say I do.

I do check.

I do check.

A bit more reverb.

I found your minister in the bathroom.

Made a big mess.

I'm good.

I'm good.

All right.

Let's get the show on the road. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, that's right. We're doing the uptight version.

What a bummer.

So, you're not worried about Linda anymore?

No. It's her life.

I'm not crazy about the fact that she's going to Reno, but she's doing what she

wants, and Perry really does love her.

Yeah, I know he loves her.

Oh, God, you know what, Bill? I gotta learn these moves. I gotta go find

When do you smoke?

Uh, just today.

After you get over the initial nausea, it's actually very calming.

So, uh, how you doing?

Good, good.

It's just, uh, starting to feel pretty real here, you know?

Screaming into forever!

You seem a little nervous.

Yeah, well, I am appearing in a ball of flash, and I got a lot of hairspray on,

so... Listen to that.

Last night... Last night in the car, you said some

things that kind of stuck with me. Some things about Perry.

Oh, what'd I say?

Well, you called him a clown.

No. Come on, there's nothing compared to what Judy calls you.

Jackass.

Stupid jackass.

Easy jackass.

I don't listen when she says those things.

Jackass who doesn't listen.

Last night, you made it seem like it didn't matter who you were marrying as

as you got married before you were 40.

Wow. I said that, huh?

Look, you know, marriage can be hard, and you don't want to dive into it just

because of some deadline in your head.

Linda, I know we haven't always got along, but you're...

You deserve to be happy.

Oh, Bill.

You forgot your glow stick bouquet, love.

Oh, thanks.

You might want to run a razor over those knuckles before the wedding night,

Angel.

Do that right now, honey.

You know, I walked in here today with the prettiest girlfriend in the world,

I'll be walking out.

With the most beautiful wife.

And I mean you.

Wow. Did you hear that?

I love him so much. There's not a doubt in my mind.

Good for you.

You better get out there.

Great. Sure.

Thank you.

For everything.

I love you, you know.

Yeah.

You know, too. Go. You should... Hey!

We're back from the honeymoon.

Aloha. How was Cleveland?

It was wonderful.

I'm now officially in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Yeah, he wrote his name on the bathroom wall.

I'm in the baseball hall of fame.

So, I guess the big thing is we have some news.

Yeah, when I go to Reno, Linda's going to stay here in Chicago.

Really? What?

I mean, I have some vacation time and periods every third week off, and we

realize we'll see each other as much as we do now.

Yeah, but it's not going to be the same.

I have to say, a big part of our decision was finding out that somebody

loves me.

I just can't walk away from that.

Could you at least move further down the couch?

Cause you make me happy